Document the Victory

Discussion in 'Ages 40+' started by realness, Jul 7, 2020.

  1. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    There are journals that I return to again and again. Sometimes just to read that one sentence that will wake me up and fill me once again with purpose. @Musicman 2.0 has such a journal. He would write about "being a man" and that resonated with me. He wasn't talking about slapping women and stomping on the heads of little kittens, but rather striding forward in his own sense of himself. But, sometimes we have to frame things in what seem caricatures in order have a starting point; the more nuanced stuff comes later.
  2. realness

    realness Active Member

    Thanks I will check out Musicman's journal. A nice run of spring weather has really helped the recent days of recovery. Makes it so easy to grab a tool of recovery like going for a quick walk, yard cleanup, outside with the kids, etc. I've also launched into podcasts to play while I'm working at home. When porn comes to mind it's quickly chased out by what a waste of time it will be and how lousy it will feel after a binge session. It's nice to have those thoughts be dominant instead of so quickly getting sucked into the thrill of binging. Maybe this is a fruit of recovery here, as the streaks without PMO get longer and more consistent, and relapses are more sporadic.

    I really love the community here. Will go check out some more journals.
    Saville likes this.
  3. forlorn

    forlorn Well-Known Member

    Hi Realness. I know you didn't like being cooped up indoors throughout winter and I agree, it's nice to be able to spend a little time outdoors again. BTW thanks for your Podcast recommendations the other day, I will check them out :)
    realness likes this.
  4. realness

    realness Active Member

    Doing well. Wonderful spring days have eased the struggle and kept me focused and occupied. When porn comes to mind it's just so mentally clear that it isn't worth it and the thoughts are dismissed so quickly. That certainly isn't always the case, but it does seem like a more common mindset now as I've been progressing in recovery. I'm hopeful that it's a sign of progress. My local Celebrate Recovery also resumed in progress meetings this week and it was really great to see familiar faces, say hi to people by name, and be in a safe environment where I can share my story and current state.

    I do wonder overall how much mental health damage PMO does.......

    FMO is definitely happening almost daily though. I have to honestly say that.
    Old Tom Bombadil and Gil79 like this.
  5. Old Tom Bombadil

    Old Tom Bombadil Active Member

    Hi Realness, What does FMO stand for? - sorry/ embarassed to ask but I thought it would be dumber not to. I tried googling it but came up with Flavin-Containing Monooxygenase which I am sure is not what you mean. :) Tom
    realness likes this.
  6. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    I commend you for your honesty!

    I have found FMO (fantasizing while MO'ing), in the end, is also harmful. FMO eventually leads back to PMO. This has been my experience and the experience of every other man here who's journal I have read, and I've read 100's. You are doing great realness, but be mindful that you are still experiencing the dopamine hit from your hand and not a real person.
  7. realness

    realness Active Member

    Old Tom, that made me laugh! Maybe there's something to this Flavin-Containing Monooxygenase that can help me get my rocks off! Fantasy Masturbation Orgasm. There's a summary here on YBR somewhere that lists all the abbreviations and lingo that we throw around, thanks for bearing with it. It's a language of recovery that I've also been learning since joining here 9 months ago. You've led me to ponder the value of our language and abbreviations because there's a risk that it could alienate people or slow them down a bit. But I think the value of having specific language is that it validates the issues, suffering and particulars of what we're recovering from. It also bonds us in some ways to walk this walk and learn the language.

    Thanks Saville! I need to hear that truth. Settling for FMO over porn use is truthfully an improvement, but it is also truthfully settling for something less than real healing, intimacy, mental health and integrity.

    I just got my vasectomy, so that will definitely put the breaks on any kind of MO for a while!
    Old Tom Bombadil, Gil79 and Saville like this.
  8. Old Tom Bombadil

    Old Tom Bombadil Active Member

    Thanks Saville and Realness for putting me straight about what FMO stand for. To add my 50 cents worth to this conversation. I totally agree with Saville that FMO always leads back to PMO. I have been doing pretty well with no PMO for over a month now and was starting to feel confident again but have found this week really difficult because F thoughts keep creeping into my brain especially due to sleepless episodes at night when I am seriously bored. I know from past slip ups the next thing is some FMO, then some peeking, then fall blown porn bingeing. So for me at least I think monklike behaviour however difficult that is, is the only way forward for quite a while. Its that dopamine monster that is responsible - we have to fight the bastard!
    realness, Cali and Saville like this.
  9. Cali

    Cali Active Member

    Same pattern gets me every time "boredom -> FMO -> PMO binge". Thanks OTB for reenforcing that for me as I have also had fantasy creeping back into my mind during this reboot, which if allowed to continue will most surely end badly.
    Old Tom Bombadil and realness like this.
  10. realness

    realness Active Member

    I've reached the coveted one week mark since the vasectomy. Oh, and today is 1 Month no PMO! The procedure was as expected, unpleasant but no major pain. The hardest part has been early this week when the pain moved from the surfacey incision sites to my balls. It's an ache like blue balls, often on the side of my testicles. This has set up anxiety that can be intense at times. It's a fear that I won't heal correctly or the pain won't go away. Googling things was a big mistake as it highlighted the super rare cases where a vasectomy can result in long term pain for some men. Anyways, intellectually I know that I'm healing normally but the anxiety and fear flares up daily. The healthy ways that I deal with anxiety like a bike ride or other exercise are off the table probably for a few more days.

    Despite the pain and discomfort, it's unbelievable that fantasy and the urge to MO are real and present. I really want to MO, in fact I'm looking forward to when I have to to clear things out and get specimens off to the doctor to confirm sterility. But I know that first things, I need to heal down there more, and second, it's the unhealthy way of dealing with anxiety knocking on the door as well.

    Anybody have have experience in vasectomy recovery? A friend at work said this is all normal, and for him 10-14 days was the real turning point. It was a relief to hear that.
    Saville likes this.
  11. Cali

    Cali Active Member

    My experience was the same as your friend, it took at least a couple of weeks to heal. Also, I highly suggest not to MO while you are healing!
    realness likes this.
  12. Cali

    Cali Active Member

    @realness, once you are healed from your vasectomy you should try to not to go back to regular FMO as that is probably negatively impacting the brain rewiring required for beating this addiction. I also have not been able to do my reboot monk mode, but I reserve MO for those occasions when I need to get a release to prevent a PMO session. I am tying to make sure that FMO is very rare, once so far in this reboot. Please understand that I am not trying to be judgmental, just sharing my experience that too much FMO always leads back to PMO. Wishing you the best!
    realness and Saville like this.
  13. realness

    realness Active Member

    Thanks Cali for your encouragement and wisdom. Fortunately or unfortunately I MO'd 7 days after the vasectomy. I was getting hard and feeling more and more pressure everywhere in my groin and prostate. It did help to relieve pressure as well as confirm that arousal and orgasm are good after the procedure as there was no pain. Again I MO'd at 10 days and today at 11 days after the procedure. It's confirmed that I've healed well but I need to change direction here and involve my wife in this recovery process from vasectomy. What an opportunity to change course. I've never asked her for a handjob, or talked about physical or mental buildup for wanting sex. And I doubt she'd reject me asking for her to be a part of it. I was just too lazy and scared to bring it up but this recovery is a good opportunity to go down a different road. There's a medical reason for it, and she loves me and will likely not mind being involved. This could open doors.

    The fear and anxiety last week was really difficult. It would come in waves and felt crushing at times, almost like a panic attack. It robbed me of a lot of sleep and being present with my family I had no complications or issues healing except for a continuing dull ache in my testicles that comes and goes, especially the right side. Lots of googling for people's experiences confirms that this is common and went away for a lot of guys between 2-6 weeks, and some guys even up to 6 months. Yet still I've struggled at times to fight off the fear that my balls will always ache, that as a sex addict I've conditioned my body to make a ton of sperm with lots of releases, and that I may always struggle with achy balls as they try to recycle sperm that doesn't get released anymore. Anyways, wow, those fears have eased over the past few days as I've been able to do lots of activities without the ache getting worse. I need to pray and believe in my body and the vast medical knowledge and confirmation that men's bodies adapt to this change and that my balls are perfectly capable of handling and recycling my sperm. And also to focus on the continued activities I can resume. And be grateful when my body tells me that it's ok to progress as each activity is resumed (push ups and longer walks this week, hiking with the family on spring break next week, and hopefully back on some short bike rides mid-APR.

    On the PMO front, the recent MO's included safe-searching porn star images. Not good, so I must involve my wife in any orgasms the next few days and get on that road. BUT..... this is entering week 5 of no PMO binges and it's going to be awesome to extend that sobriety.
    Gil79 likes this.
  14. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    It's great that you've healed up well! I am quite sure your wife would be more than happy to give you a hand job, now and again. But, be careful that that doesn't become the new normal for sex. PIV is always the best way to rewire and stay rewired. My wife would prefer to give me a hand job, because it fits into how she operates her life. It's a job she does, like doing the laundry, taking care of emails, etc. I have accepted the odd hand job, but mostly I make her put out. Intimacy comes from two bodies joining. She has said, from time to time, "why don't you take care of yourself once in awhile?" I say back to her "then why am I married?"

    5 weeks clear of PMO binges is great, realness!
    realness likes this.
  15. realness

    realness Active Member

    thanks Saville! Been a really rough week with my wife very sick. She really pushed her self last weekend to organize a big charity event and I feel like I've lost her to that and the sickness. Been fighting off feeling overwhelmed and resentful. The vasectomy recovery was slower than expected too (but is going well I'm just about back to normal). And then I got a really bad cold as well. All of those things combined to beat me up. I had to really push things and be a single parent to 4 kids at times. The kids got mild versions of the cold so they were home from school for a few days which cranked the stress level to the extreme. I couldn't make it out the office or the coffee shop while working, so home-life is something I've really wanted a break from and couldn't get it. Just have to vent this out. Two days this week I escaped by safe-searching as much racy stuff as I could find and MO'ing. A small part of that was also just using my dick and confirming that it works and there's no ill-effects or complications from the vasectomy. Thankfully no porn. It's clear now that favorable conditions for being sexually healthy with my wife won't be happening very soon. Hopefully next week.

    The sun is out. We're getting a big warm up and can do things outside this weekend. I'll be looking for ways to get out of my own head and get healthy and moving despite the limitations that have kicked my but this week.
  16. realness

    realness Active Member

    Things are getting better after a really rough few weeks. Both my wife and I were sick for over a week, vasectomy recovery, and then a stomach bug hit all 4 kids while we were on a trip last week. I still have some lingering anxiety about the vasectomy but my balls really do feel pretty good. I was able to do a 45 min bike ride around town on Saturday, 23 days afterwards, without any major discomfort during or afterwards. It is amazing to get out of the house a few times this week and get a break from my family. I love them, but I have the opposite problem of a lot of fathers in that I'm home too much and too involved. It's affirming and validating to get out of there and get things done, whether it's in the office or running errands.

    Unfortunately I've set up a stronger habit of hitting the raciest stuff I can find on facebook or reddit that I can sneak past covenant eyes to MO with over the past 2 weeks. Thankfully it hasn't escalated to a full PMO binge. I was feeling it today after working from home this morning but escaped to a coffee shop for this afternoon. I'm healed, the weather is good, and it's time to pick up the tools of being healthy and active. Push ups, pieces of outdoor projects to keep me moving, checking in with budies. Participating here.
    Old Tom Bombadil likes this.
  17. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    It will, though. Peeking always leads to PMO.

    Glad you are healed and being physically active.
  18. badger

    badger Well-Known Member

    peeking/FMO-that's like replacing whiskey with beer. same results. both got me drunk and in trouble. same venom, different receptacle.
    realness likes this.
  19. realness

    realness Active Member

    Yup badger. Pmo relapse today. Been brewing for a while. Predictable results. I'll be back here tomorrow to work my recovery.
  20. Gil79

    Gil79 Seize the day

    Sorry about your relapse, but well done on staying accountable here!

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