Feeling pretty down today. Despite that, I was doing much better last week and over the weekend recovering from my last relapse. I'm proud of the 8 days of sobriety I have now. It isn't that surprising that this week is bringing more difficult emotions and even brief urges to think of P in general, as well as the rush and excitement of the thought of indulging. Some of the reasons things are harder now: most obvious is the time that has passed since my last relapse. It's so easy to forget the destruction of P and for the seduction of it to build up again. I need to say it again for my own sake, the seduction and urges are waves that build and crest and then go away. They won't kill me, nor build up stronger and stronger. I must maintain this commitment to reality, hard work, and running to the tools I have to move on in a better direction or activity when urges come. There as a big social event yesterday that I really would have liked to go to, but it wasn't a great fit for our young kids. The logistics of taking care of them outweighed the fun we'd have at the event. This is a recurring feeling for me as I just can't wait to do more fun things when the kids are old enough to take part in it. Rather than get caught up in envy or discontentment, I need to practice gratitude and being in the moment with my family. Things turned out alright yesterday as I got some work done in the backyard while the kids built and played in a fort with neighborhood friends. Social media use also increases the envy and FOMO I felt yesterday and today. I wasn't able to connect with a mentor/dear friend yesterday on the phone as I usually do on Sunday afternoons. I have few other friends that I talk about real things with, so that adds to the feelings of isolation I'm feeling today. Anyways, just got to write it out and process it. I don't feel like I'm going to run to P or MO or anything. There are some fun social activities that we've planned for this week, as well as the start of school for my 2 oldest kids. Also, there are 2 new guy neighbors that have moved in my block and they're fixing up old houses. They're great to talk to and their work is something really cool that we can talk about and I can help with a bit. Over the last week I've spent a few nights socializing with them which has been a very cool development in my life. I'm grateful for these positive things that are going on. I just want to be aware of the negative emotions that I feel today, so that I can process them in a healthy way.