Document the Victory

Discussion in 'Ages 40+' started by realness, Jul 7, 2020.

  1. realness

    realness Well-Known Member

    Feeling pretty good these days. There's 3 guys I'm meeting with regularly now, at least once a month. 2 are much younger than me, and 1 is older. All are men I can be real with, and can be detailed and honest with regarding P, lust and challenges I'm going through. It's an honor to hear their victories, losses and challenges and walk next to them on the road of life for however long it will last. What a huge turnaround from the dark days of my P use when I was so isolated and just couldn't understand why I didn't have any close friends.

    The absence of numbing P highlights stuff I need to work on. Resentment continues to be the biggest one. It feels huge and overwhelming and defeating sometimes. But sharing it with my brothers makes it lighter. Sometimes it even makes it go away for a while. Resentment hides real action and healthy work that I can do to address real problems that I have in my life. It's an easier branch to grab on to that snaps and drops me to the ground in defeat every time. Sounds familiar!

    Our church had a men's retreat recently and I had some good conversations with other guys. I gently put my recovery out there and it's there for them to take or leave when it comes to further friendship. There's been a few men willing to take off their armor and drop their weapons and walk through life with me like David and Jonathan in the Bible. I'm so grateful for them!
  2. badger

    badger Well-Known Member

    the big book of AA deals specifically with resentments. it was a lifesaver for me. it's about drinking but can be applied to any addiction. get a sponsor, work the steps, it will change your life. it did me. found what i have been looking for all my life. Alcoholics Anonymous is the name of the book. i had tried literally hundreds of self-help books, therapy, conferences, etc. this is the only book you will ever need. it has all the answers to living life on life terms. it is a lot of work, but very much worth it. am here to help if you need and want it. don't quit before the miracle.
  3. realness

    realness Well-Known Member

    Thank you badger. You're a blessing in this place, on my journal and to many other brothers here. I just read your comment on Gil's journal about how you noticed that you relapsed we'll before actual PMO in your actions and thoughts. That resounded with me and I'll be giving it some thought.

    Attending an AA meeting and reading the book are on my to do list. Brothers from AA have brought fellowship and richness to my journey when they share at celebrate recovery.

    I'm doing really well right now and have been jamming on gratitude over the last week. Recovery is a rich and abundant life
    Mozenjo, badger and Saville like this.
  4. realness

    realness Well-Known Member

    Feeling agitated today. So coming here with mixed feelings and generally feeling unsettled. I miss the warm weather and the ability to hop on a bike and get out the bad energy. But there are other ways of being active and today it's taking more grit than normal. I'll be thankful that I didn't PMO this week when I spend extra time with the family and friends, celebrating Thanksgiving.

    The overseas job process grinds on with the HR on that side moving very slow. It's actually to our benefit now as it's not possible to get there before Christmas, and we'd rather things stretch out longer now and not moving in the dead of winter in January. Things go in fits and starts, and I get very excited, and then have to manage my emotions and disappointment when there's another long delay in response or movement. So this also takes some extra grit and resolve to focus on each day, and the joys and challenges that each day brings. If, after all of this, we finally get a formal job offer and moving orders, it would start the process of getting special passports and a visa, and then setting household good pick up days and a travel itinerary. So, much more waiting but I'm thankful for friends to see this week and then more outdoor opportunities as winter sets in for our corner of the rocky mountains.

    In the meantime, it's been a fun challenge to gear up to have roof-top storage on one of our cars. Fun fact, all Yakima and Thule roof racks and other parts are made of solid gold and then overlaid with plastic, metal and fiberglass! How do people pull this stuff off factory new?! Thankfully some investments in FB marketplace have paid off and I have managed to coble together a full set-up at some reasonable prices.
  5. realness

    realness Well-Known Member

    Enjoyed the holiday with some travels out of state and time with good family friends. I was surprised to start this work-week feeling so low. No major reason why. Seeing my last journal entry suggests that this is maybe a longer term funk that I am in. I'm frustrated that the job offer I accepted so long ago is still draging on with nothing definitive yet. I don't have any power or control over that process and it feels sucky. Leading my family gets frustrating when there's so little progress made financially. We are close to living paycheck to paycheck and as things break down and need fixing it is hard to get ahead a little bit and add to our small emergency fund/savings. And getting our house in order (clutter and disorganization all over) also adds to the low feelings as I also have limited control. I can only push my wife so hard. It also requires more work as it is on me to run my home, and set the emotional tone of the home.

    So, all of those low feelings suggest an escape through a long binge of PMO. I'm dismissing those suggestions as they come. I need to keep moving. Working at the coffee shop, then working at the library, picking up a chore or a quick job in between to bump the brain and feel some accomplishment. I will be reaching out to some friends today, and I can't wait for Celebrate Recovery tomorrow night where I can just be with some dudes who are for real about real life. Maybe I'll share, maybe I'll just listen. But I'm really looking forward to that as it is the exact opposite of the isolation and withdrawal from life that PMO is.
    Saville likes this.
  6. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    Yup, this is a thing with a wife. I lowered my standards awhile ago about the clutter. As long as my space/s are fine I don't worry about. Most men want to ditch the clutter, most women want to hoard. We are trying to be free, like we were in our 20's, and our wives are trying to hold onto their positions as matriarch.
    realness likes this.

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