Document the Victory

Discussion in 'Ages 40+' started by realness, Jul 7, 2020.

  1. realness

    realness Well-Known Member

    Feeling pretty good these days. There's 3 guys I'm meeting with regularly now, at least once a month. 2 are much younger than me, and 1 is older. All are men I can be real with, and can be detailed and honest with regarding P, lust and challenges I'm going through. It's an honor to hear their victories, losses and challenges and walk next to them on the road of life for however long it will last. What a huge turnaround from the dark days of my P use when I was so isolated and just couldn't understand why I didn't have any close friends.

    The absence of numbing P highlights stuff I need to work on. Resentment continues to be the biggest one. It feels huge and overwhelming and defeating sometimes. But sharing it with my brothers makes it lighter. Sometimes it even makes it go away for a while. Resentment hides real action and healthy work that I can do to address real problems that I have in my life. It's an easier branch to grab on to that snaps and drops me to the ground in defeat every time. Sounds familiar!

    Our church had a men's retreat recently and I had some good conversations with other guys. I gently put my recovery out there and it's there for them to take or leave when it comes to further friendship. There's been a few men willing to take off their armor and drop their weapons and walk through life with me like David and Jonathan in the Bible. I'm so grateful for them!
  2. badger

    badger Well-Known Member

    the big book of AA deals specifically with resentments. it was a lifesaver for me. it's about drinking but can be applied to any addiction. get a sponsor, work the steps, it will change your life. it did me. found what i have been looking for all my life. Alcoholics Anonymous is the name of the book. i had tried literally hundreds of self-help books, therapy, conferences, etc. this is the only book you will ever need. it has all the answers to living life on life terms. it is a lot of work, but very much worth it. am here to help if you need and want it. don't quit before the miracle.
    mailboxsam, Mozenjo, Saville and 3 others like this.
  3. realness

    realness Well-Known Member

    Thank you badger. You're a blessing in this place, on my journal and to many other brothers here. I just read your comment on Gil's journal about how you noticed that you relapsed we'll before actual PMO in your actions and thoughts. That resounded with me and I'll be giving it some thought.

    Attending an AA meeting and reading the book are on my to do list. Brothers from AA have brought fellowship and richness to my journey when they share at celebrate recovery.

    I'm doing really well right now and have been jamming on gratitude over the last week. Recovery is a rich and abundant life
    Mozenjo, badger and Saville like this.
  4. realness

    realness Well-Known Member

    Feeling agitated today. So coming here with mixed feelings and generally feeling unsettled. I miss the warm weather and the ability to hop on a bike and get out the bad energy. But there are other ways of being active and today it's taking more grit than normal. I'll be thankful that I didn't PMO this week when I spend extra time with the family and friends, celebrating Thanksgiving.

    The overseas job process grinds on with the HR on that side moving very slow. It's actually to our benefit now as it's not possible to get there before Christmas, and we'd rather things stretch out longer now and not moving in the dead of winter in January. Things go in fits and starts, and I get very excited, and then have to manage my emotions and disappointment when there's another long delay in response or movement. So this also takes some extra grit and resolve to focus on each day, and the joys and challenges that each day brings. If, after all of this, we finally get a formal job offer and moving orders, it would start the process of getting special passports and a visa, and then setting household good pick up days and a travel itinerary. So, much more waiting but I'm thankful for friends to see this week and then more outdoor opportunities as winter sets in for our corner of the rocky mountains.

    In the meantime, it's been a fun challenge to gear up to have roof-top storage on one of our cars. Fun fact, all Yakima and Thule roof racks and other parts are made of solid gold and then overlaid with plastic, metal and fiberglass! How do people pull this stuff off factory new?! Thankfully some investments in FB marketplace have paid off and I have managed to coble together a full set-up at some reasonable prices.
  5. realness

    realness Well-Known Member

    Enjoyed the holiday with some travels out of state and time with good family friends. I was surprised to start this work-week feeling so low. No major reason why. Seeing my last journal entry suggests that this is maybe a longer term funk that I am in. I'm frustrated that the job offer I accepted so long ago is still draging on with nothing definitive yet. I don't have any power or control over that process and it feels sucky. Leading my family gets frustrating when there's so little progress made financially. We are close to living paycheck to paycheck and as things break down and need fixing it is hard to get ahead a little bit and add to our small emergency fund/savings. And getting our house in order (clutter and disorganization all over) also adds to the low feelings as I also have limited control. I can only push my wife so hard. It also requires more work as it is on me to run my home, and set the emotional tone of the home.

    So, all of those low feelings suggest an escape through a long binge of PMO. I'm dismissing those suggestions as they come. I need to keep moving. Working at the coffee shop, then working at the library, picking up a chore or a quick job in between to bump the brain and feel some accomplishment. I will be reaching out to some friends today, and I can't wait for Celebrate Recovery tomorrow night where I can just be with some dudes who are for real about real life. Maybe I'll share, maybe I'll just listen. But I'm really looking forward to that as it is the exact opposite of the isolation and withdrawal from life that PMO is.
    Saville likes this.
  6. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    Yup, this is a thing with a wife. I lowered my standards awhile ago about the clutter. As long as my space/s are fine I don't worry about. Most men want to ditch the clutter, most women want to hoard. We are trying to be free, like we were in our 20's, and our wives are trying to hold onto their positions as matriarch.
    realness likes this.
  7. realness

    realness Well-Known Member

    I really spiraled with PMO for two months.

    Waves of flu and strep throat have beaten the family down.

    We got our travel orders and flight itinerary to report to the new job in southern Italy in early April. We have some weeks of intense logistics to get our family of 6 ready.

    Intimacy with my wife has been dying off for months now and I'm struggling with how to lead in that, communicate honestly, and deal with hurt and rejection.

    I've deliberately set up dinners out with a good friend every few weeks, and volunteered for a business trip to get some time away from the family. I'm a hands on work from home Dad and I'm really looking forward to the trip.
    Saville and Gil79 like this.
  8. Gil79

    Gil79 Seize the day

    It must be a lot of work to arrange all that! I can imagine that it is difficult to find peace of mind under such circumstances. I hope you will be able to leave out the porn again. Big chance that then the intimacy with your wife will also come back naturally (which is also a reminder to myself)
    realness and Saville like this.
  9. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    As you know, your pmo habit isn't helping.

    realness likes this.
  10. realness

    realness Well-Known Member

    Dang right! Feels good to be on the better end of the PMO habit, in sobriety land.

    Next weekend after some work travel I'm putting the factory roof rails and crossbars back on the minivan. I had to remove them over 7 years ago when I bought it, so it would fit in our old house garage. A nice older guy at church is going to let me use his spacious garage. With winter hanging on in the Rocky Mountains, the mild spell I was hoping for to work outside just isn't in the cards.

    Finding all of the parts and hardware neatly organized was a big confidence booster. I'm pretty damn proud of myself for keeping it all. When we go overseas, we can use the rack to carry a Yakima cargo box with all our stuff, and be very comfortable inside. I'm looking forward to a day on the road, driving it down to Los Angeles to be shipped overseas
    Gil79, badger, Mozenjo and 1 other person like this.
  11. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    This is awesome! Can't wait to hear how things work out in Italy.
    Gil79 and realness like this.
  12. realness

    realness Well-Known Member

    Posting for the first time from bella Italia! Feb and March were full of action, preparing our family and the house for this move. An epic barrage of Western snowstorms made things extra interesting. Got the car dropped off for shipment in LA and then we managed to clear out the house and leave the US in early April.

    It's been grand to have a clear head without PMO for a while now. There is always movement as other things creep up without P to numb problems away and allow them to get worse. Wow, anger is an issue for me and I'm surprised by that. As amazing as this move is for us, it starts with some difficulties. No car, a small apartment without laundry, tons of adjustments. No amazing travel experiences yet as we square away necessities and logistics like kid's school, house hunting etc. So the kids can drive me nuts and tensions with the wife can creep up. Thankfully I met a buddy here who's also in the recovery world. It's way cool how a few spoken words from this world can identify a brother to you. Someone who's real and safe and not going to BS you. Since this guy's been here longer than me, it opens the door to other relationships. The opposite of addiction is connection. As demonstrated right here on this forum. I've also found a few new podcasts that are enriching.

    We've had a few amazing meals and gelato. We've begun the process of renting a really great place for the family. We'll have a registered car this week so we can start getting off base and exploring more.
    Saville and path-forward like this.
  13. Larry

    Larry Member

    Sounds wonderful. My wife and I were in Venice last summer and I had lemon gelato and an Aperol spritzer (not necessarily together) every day we were there.
    realness likes this.
  14. mailboxsam

    mailboxsam Active Member

    Just checking in on you realness - how’s it going there in Italy?
    realness likes this.
  15. realness

    realness Well-Known Member

    hey thanks for checking in! Italy is hot, chaotic, wonderful, stressful and exhausting. Building a new life has been harder than I thought it would be. Thankfully, me and the family are doing well We've ended up in a great house, in a safe parco (small gated community), and the kids have adjusted well to the new school year. After working through all of the logistics of renting a home here, moving in, the family getting sick in July and August, and some car trouble, we are looking forward to the chance to travel for some long weekends in October.

    Through it all there was a wonderful 4 months of sobriety from PMO. Unfortunately since June, I've chosen to indulge several times in July, August and last week. As I get older, and maybe because of the stresses of being new here, the mental anguish of PMO is so much more severe. I do not believe I have ever really been depressed, but over the last year PMO has brought on depression and despair for me. Thankfully this heals after a few days. But it's clear that PMO is so very dangerous in this specific way for me.

    I'm really thankful for the strong bonds with a few men that have enabled me to confess and process my relapses over the phone or video messages. I've also made a few friendships here where I can address this part of my life in person, and exercise more rigorous honesty and integrity. There are some great opportunities to keep isolation far away and deepen friendships and connections.

    Here's some unknown and not so pleasant realities of southern Italy, just an hour away from the beautiful vacation spots: tons of petty crime, streets glittering with the shards of broken car windows, always worrying about where to park, open prostitution under bridge overpasses and field entrances, Gypsy/Roma camps burning plastic and trash, on and off-ramps turning into tunnels with trash piled up on either side. It's wild! Of course there are many beautiful things and places in between. But this has been quite an adjustment.

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