Document the Victory

Discussion in 'Ages 40+' started by realness, Jul 7, 2020.

  1. CleanBootsBaby!

    CleanBootsBaby! Well-Known Member

    Also, don't you ever forget, there's light at the end of this tunnel.

    The reptilian part of your brain is fighting against the one that is responsible to drag you back into a "horny and then sad teenager" state. These ups and downs are normal, but, as you were saying, the way is through.

    Remember your brothers that have no other release than a wet dream that sometimes takes 3 months (exactly 90 days in my case when I started this streak! crazy!) to come, and think how much more blessed you are. If they are able to endure, so do you.

    You are a good man, I can tell.
    realness likes this.
  2. realness

    realness Well-Known Member

    Thanks CBB!
    Man, thinking on that it's true that when I've given up and decided to be in a PMO cycle, I exist in this state and don't even know it. Thank you!

    The urges are hitting hard today and I'm working on identifying the greed that I have in my heart towards lust. I have a great day where I can work in a coffee shop, get something good for lunch, and then work the afternoon with peace and quiet before I go home and step up to the plate of loving my family well. All fantastic blessings, and yet I want to PMO! Outlandish greed. And Cleanboots you rightly point out other situations that require hard work and dedication, and brothers who serve as an example of perseverance and integrity to look up to. Thank you. I wish you even greater rewards of intimacy in addition to the peace and contentment you are blessed with in abstaining from PMO and compulsive MO.

    13 days no PMO, 10 days no MO I think. I'm on the path of no O except with the wife.
    CleanBootsBaby! likes this.
  3. realness

    realness Well-Known Member

    2 weeks no P or PMO today. I'm happy about that. After some tumultuous emotions over the last few weeks I'm in the blahs.

    I caved to MO yesterday that included some fantasy. That's a slip that I must confess. I am increasing the times between MO as I'm definitely too weak to try it with out fantasy or P memories. I'd rather not MO at all and have more O with the wife, or longer breaks of no O at all. I'm working through all of this. Thankfully I have a night out with a buddy planned for a nice break from work and family life/responsibilities.
    StarWarsFan likes this.
  4. StarWarsFan

    StarWarsFan Member

    Good work, keep it up!!
    realness likes this.
  5. realness

    realness Well-Known Member

    Thanks SWF! Yesterday was a good day of no PMO or MO. I enjoyed drinks and dinner with a friend and it was a great break from work and family life.

    I've been pondering the phrase "sexual sanity". It came from one of my favorite stories of sex addiction recovery, Samson and the Pirate Monks by Nate Larkin. For 30 years I've lived a life of sexual insanity. MO and PMO daily and often multiple times per day for so long is absolutely insane. Just now in midlife I'm seeing that. I'm seeing it because of other people sharing and being transparent. I never questioned that behavior. It was just a state of being; how I coped with any worry, stress or anxiety in my life.

    Sexual sanity for me means only O with my wife, and I'm willing to accept an MO once per week maybe to still fit what I define as Sexual sanity. I believe that a long period of abstaining from MO like 30 days will help me further define sexual sanity for me. I don't like that I MO'd on Wed, but I can't deny the rationalization that it was better than PMO and will likely bridge the time between sex with the wife. I need to write this stuff down and see how my thinking changes as I execute my firm comittment to purge PMO from my life.
  6. CleanBootsBaby!

    CleanBootsBaby! Well-Known Member

    Glad to hear things are going well for you, despite the urges. Keep on keeping on!
  7. realness

    realness Well-Known Member

    last week ended kind of rough. I really had no energy and was feeling down emotionally. Friday afternoon I MO'd with some p-subs. Of course that didn't help anything.

    I endured through some boredom and feeling down over the weekend and gradually things got better. Had lots of quality family time and have started off this week feeling good and committed to press on through some withdrawal feelings and to work hard at my job and enjoy my life and family life when work is done each day.

    Anxieties come and go especially regarding how to handle going forward with my rough vasectomy recovery. I have call tomorrow with a reversal specialist to go over a lot of general questions I have.
    StarWarsFan likes this.
  8. StarWarsFan

    StarWarsFan Member

    I can definitely understand the boredom and mood swings, but mine have been a bit better recently.

    Good luck with getting answers on the vasectomy issues!
    realness likes this.
  9. realness

    realness Well-Known Member

    Thanks SWF- the call went well. I'm going to wait and evaluate things over the summer and decide if the discomfort I'm feeling is worth a reversal. It may not work, and will likely restore facility, so it's somewhat of a gamble. The 1-2% figure of bad vasectomy outcomes that urologists throw around is bullshit. The real number is around 15% of men experience some kind of chronic pain or discomfort after a vasectomy, with one of the main reasons being congestion of sperm and seminal fluid build up. Their promise that your body will simple "absorb" your sperm after your vas are closed off simply isn't true for a good amount of men and the options to resolve that issue are just not great. I'm fortunate that I'm in a low-level of pain and discomfort and that there is a good chance my body will eventually reach an equilibrium where the pressure and congestion should resolve.

    I had a nice O with the wife last night. Although tired, she was generous and responsive to my direct request and we really enjoyed our time together. Today I thought about PMO with a chaser effect going. I asked myself if doing so and hiding it from my wife was a fair thing to do in light of her generosity last night. I asked myself if I wanted to be a deceitful person. I asked myself if I wanted to isolate myself in the basement room for hours. I asked if I wanted to risk being discovered by evidence on a laptop. I asked if I wanted to feel like shit tonight while taking care of my family. I asked how it would feel playing with my kids and talking with them with a PMO binge on my mind and conscience. I got good, clear answers to these questions and I'm in a good place now. I may do the whole thing again in a few hours, tomorrow, next week, etc. I'm grateful that each time I will have the opportunity to make the right choice and do what's best for ME.
    Saville and Cali like this.
  10. realness

    realness Well-Known Member

    I chose to PMO today.
    Libertad likes this.
  11. Libertad

    Libertad Well-Known Member

    Great way of putting it. No excuses, taking full responsibility for your actions and reactions to whatever lead to it.
    To be honest is a great foundation.
    So my like is not for the relapse but the way you expressed and see it.
    realness, Mozenjo and Saville like this.
  12. realness

    realness Well-Known Member

    Thanks so much for your encouragement @Libertad. Unfortunately I binged out a few more times but I was able to make the turn back toward recovery. Over the last few days I've enjoyed some victories where the wife was out of the house for a few hours and I chose health instead of PMO. I just got done our taxes without PMO. Over the years that has ALWAYS been a good cover and excuse to PMO as it created a perfect alibi for being on the computer alone for long periods of time.

    Despite some setbacks, I'm still trending toward turning my sexual energy toward my wife, where it has belonged the whole time. This has been an amazing few months of increased intimacy, but things have moved into discussions and issues that I've long avoided through PMO. Like my high sex drive compared to my wife's lower one, how to ask for sex (I'm focused on clear and direct communication, not the nice-guy manipulation and covert contract communication that I am more inclined to), spontaneity, and having to deal with not having sex as much as I'd like in our current season of life. It's hard, but it's way easier than PMO, worrying about an open browser, getting caught, etc.
    Saville and StarWarsFan like this.
  13. Libertad

    Libertad Well-Known Member

    Saville has a few good posts about how he approached his wife after not doing PMO any more on his journal, it was around 2-3 years ago. He also took the manly and direct approach, like you described it, and not the so called "nice guy" covert one. And it worked for him.

    If I remember it correctly, he mentioned something like, not to let yourself be descouraged by the rejection of the wife or her words, she needs to know that you really want her, later her willingness and attraction to intimacy came back more or less, even that in one of his later posts he mentioned, that they don´t have sex very frequently, but because he does not iniciate it as often any more.

    What you said about not having to worry about an open browser is very true. There is something about not having to hide certain aspects of our life for which we often are ashamed of. It frees us and our energy and we become more authentic.
    realness and StarWarsFan like this.
  14. realness

    realness Well-Known Member

    Right on @Libertad ! I'm reading through Saville's journal for a second time. It's incredibly inspiring and I'm really grateful for what he has done and his generosity in sharing health and wisdom to others. I love how he continually points out that we do this for us, that we change and the world around us falls into place. It's really motivated as it highlights what's in our control and frees us from worrying about what isn't. I'm a classic people-pleasing nice-guy raised by a domineering mother and a passive, often absent father. So those similarities make his journal very applicable to me.

    I did some valentine's stuff today for the family while they all napped. It made me happy. I could have PMO'd. In your face Porn.
    Old Tom Bombadil and Saville like this.
  15. realness

    realness Well-Known Member

    Checking in here. Things are going well. I have felt the pull at times and exerted some effort to stay active and not self-sooth with PMO. I had a high-stress work call yesterday and found myself installing Redditt during the call and going to a p-sub site. It was if I was viewing myself from above or something as I went through the motions like a robot. Thankfully I pulled out of this behavior before getting hard, maybe 10 minutes or so. I had the choice to stop and refocus on my work tasks, continue the p-sub scrolling, or escalate to a laptop and PMO. I'm thankful I pushed through and got back to work. Things were easier the rest of the day. I haven't given much thought towards triggers, but this really highlighted a stress trigger that I was previously ignorant of.

    I feel my sexual energy today. It comes up thinking about my wife which feels good. It's frustrating that I can't act on this energy right now, and maybe not until Sunday which has become our expected weekly time of intimacy. She said that it is ideal for her as she feels more connected to me having me around over the weekend. Fair enough. I would like more and there's a chance more can happen spontaneously or if I clearly ask for more. We have a date dinner tonight (I proactively set up a babysitter.... action on my part!) so intimacy could happen tonight. At the least, we'll connect and enjoy ourselves and the evening break from intensive parenting of 4 young kids.

    I have a buddy coming into town for a ski trip soon and some exciting work travel in the next few weeks. Good things to look forward to.
    Old Tom Bombadil and Saville like this.
  16. realness

    realness Well-Known Member

    Wow, my sexual energy is coursing through me. I've made it a point to not MO or touch myself, little to no fantasy either. This is the first time in a long time I haven't MO'd in between sex with the wife. I'm happy with being healthy!

    I tried for sex last night and was turned down. Had a good date and snuggling intimacy with the wife but she said no to anything more. It's a bummer that my first instinct is to pout and have hurt feelings. But I got on top of that, recognizing it as "nice guy" bad coping skills. I also immediately thought, "I should have MO'd today"..... but also processed that as an activity that only sets ME back and is a lousy outlet for my energy. She asked if I was disappointed and I said yes, making it a point to be honest and direct. I said that I did enjoy our closeness and time together on our date night and expected her to come through for me in the next few days. Sundays are more normal days for sex so I'll definitely be asking again then, if not before. I'm making it a point to bring up my wants and needs directly and honestly.

    My wife will be watching the kids while I get a ski day in with a buddy from out of town this weekend. So yeah, a healthy outlet for my energy is right on my doorstep. And my wife certainly loves me and looks out for me in other ways.
    Mad Dog, Bilbo Swaggins and Saville like this.
  17. realness

    realness Well-Known Member

    This afternoon is 3 weeks with no porn and I feel good. I don't have much to say. I fear that the more I say and overthink, the more I stray from the simplicity of walking in strength and healthy coping mechanisms. Instead I am mining this site daily for wisdom and affirmation.

    My efforts at orienting my sexual energy towards my wife are bringing rewards, but also new (normal and healthy) problems to deal with. My drive is much higher than hers. We have sex once every week or two. I would love it twice a week. Her declining sex is often difficult for me. I often internalize it as rejection and have trouble dealing with my anger and resentment. Still, it's not impossible for me to find healthy coping mechanisms. Pushups, a walk, exercise, working outside. Reaching out to a friend.

    Who am I and how do I practice healthy manhood? This is my journey that I can now travel unencumbered by PMO.
    CleanBootsBaby!, Libertad and Saville like this.
  18. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    Love this!
    realness and CleanBootsBaby! like this.
  19. badger

    badger Well-Known Member

    keep on truck'n
    realness likes this.
  20. CleanBootsBaby!

    CleanBootsBaby! Well-Known Member

    Great effort and results, man!
    realness likes this.

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