Document the Victory

Discussion in 'Ages 40+' started by realness, Jul 7, 2020.

  1. Gil79

    Gil79 Seize the day

    Hey, as @-Luke- wrote: every day without porn is a little victory. And besides we just need to focus on this day. Oftentimes when I spend time on PMOing when I should have worked I think 'oh, I wish I had done something else with my time, even if it is not working'. Everything is better than acting out, even if it is just reading a book, going for a run or watching a move while you should work. And maybe that is even where the need to act out sometimes comes from: the need to have time for yourself, calm down and gain strength and motivation to be able to do the things we need to do. It is a balance, right? Well, anyway, I hope you are able to forget about your relapse cycle and keep your head in the right direction.
    realness likes this.
  2. realness

    realness Active Member

    thanks @Gil79 .

    Went crazy PMO binging last week. Over the weekend I got back to engaging with family and moving on outside projects. It felt good to start this week with a few days of sobriety under my belt. Hit some depressed and negative moods while resuming work today. My social media has lots of porn recovery content which is good. But sometimes it's jarring when there's a betrayal story focused on wives or a story about early porn exposure to children. Both of these kinds of stories remind me of the hurt I've caused my family and those I love. They send me down a bit of a negative spiral. Shame and regret pile on. So I've unfollowed some of those sources as it's becoming unhelpful.

    I enjoy life on days without PMO. The joy builds as the days go by. Sometimes the urges build as well. But the last few weeks of binging were so intense I don't have strong urges to PMO right now. I'd like to build momentum and strength this week and going forward. I will be working on better discipline for when the urges come back. To be strong and able to go for a walk, work an ongoing outdoor project, hop on the bike, or any other healthy thing when an urge passes.

    Today I'm also feeling some vasectomy pain. It's been almost 6 months. Dull aches and sensitivity in my balls. I'm scheduling an appointment with the uro who did the surgery to get the details of how he performed the surgery and to see if he has any advice. If things keep up or get worse, I will be looking into reversal options this fall.
  3. realness

    realness Active Member

    there's just no other way than the way of sobriety and integrity. Came through to the other side of some urges today when the house emptied out. Glad to be here.

    This week has been tough with the wife. She brought up catching my MO'ing three years ago, and how it's hard for her to not relive that when I am neglectful, hurtful, checked out, etc. It's tough because I know there is truth to that. As I'm still recovering with frequent relapses I know that I'm often powered down, brain fogged, and lacking awareness and self awareness. But I also know there's issues that my wife needs to address. Like pride, control lack of empathy/forgiveness, etc. It's tough to navigate and it feels like we're not making any progress. I'm afraid our marriage may be stuck this way for some time.

    My worst fears rarely pan out. PMO'ing today would have driven me down mentally so badly. Catastrophizing and wracked with worry. Oblivious to the beautiful September day outside.

    I'm glad I heard out my wife and pushed back in some ways. No mister nice guy.
  4. realness

    realness Active Member

    Sticking to the path. Wrestling with the tension in my marriage. My compulsion to lust and PMO has definitely driven some of the issues. My wife's pride and unforgiveness have definitely contributed as well. We're working well together in parenting each day and enjoy watching tv together each evening (we're exhausted, finally planning some real dates in a few weeks lining up babysitters) but intimacy is pretty tough. I reach out a lot, she receives but doesn't reciprocate. If I exercise strength and self discipline, this will work out and there will be times where I can assert how I need to be treated while also owning my faults and working on them. If I cave and PMO I'll be so covered with shame and brain fog that I'll just be passive and allow all of the blame to be placed on me. Because I will believe that I deserve all of the blame.
    Mozenjo and Saville like this.
  5. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    You are totally getting this, realness! :) Keep reaching out, even when the affection is not returned. We change and the world around us changes.

    Great work!
    forlorn, realness and Mozenjo like this.
  6. Mozenjo

    Mozenjo Well-Known Member

    I agree with Saville, realness. Keep doing what you're doing, and good things will follow. Staying clean will lift the weight you're carrying around, and your wife will notice how you've grown.
    realness likes this.
  7. realness

    realness Active Member

    thanks @Saville and @Mozenjo . I really appreciate the encouragement and perspective you guys give to me.

    Marriage tension is slowly thawing. I thought that we'd have one big discussion and then move on. But this is kind of new, where we're both making smaller steps at recognizing and appreciating each other. We'll see how it plays out.

    One change I've made is to stop letting my wife sleep in. She is never proactive at getting up with the kids at 7am, school days or weekends. I promoted that tendency for years now by closing our bedroom door after getting up, keeping the kids away from her, and taking on all of the morning work. Total nice guy tendencies. And my motives were also selfish. I was looking for recognition, to be praised and known as a more hands-on husband and father. And when I didn't get any recognition or appreciation from my wife, then I wanted to do it and be the martyr. I'd do it and then be grump and resentful towards my wife when she did get up. So no more of that. It's gone well the past few days where I either stay in bed too and let the kids wake us both up, or get up and get changed without any effort to quite the kids. That means asking her to do anything needed while I'm busy changing the baby, getting breakfast going, or any of the other thousand things needed when 4 kids get up. She hasn't pushed anything yet, but if she does insist on sleeping in or closing the door I'll have to be ready to ask why she wants to sleep in. As in, what's out of the ordinary that we aren't going to be a team with 4 kids that just woke up.

    It's only been 9 days but there have been times I've wanted to PMO. I push the urges away knowing I don't want to give up the clear thinking, improving mental health, and growing integrity I'm enjoying. To be honest, sometimes I dismiss PMO urges because there just isn't enough time for a proper PMO binge. For me and my advanced compulsion/addiction, that means 3+ hours to get totally bombed out and high on depravity. It's not a very wholesome reason for the times over the past week I've rejected the urge to PMO. But it does say a lot about how much I allowed lust to rule over me.
    Saville likes this.
  8. breath

    breath Active Member

    The art to saying no... you touched on a vast topic which related also to all facets of life where there are numerous options to choose from......

    One thing which can be useful or produce great results is structuring one's schedule to keep ourselves out of the situation we want to avoid.


    As I type right now, my wife is actually out for a few hours. So after I sign out of YBR , i'll have an important choice to make... but it is also a great opportunity.

    Best to you, et al
    realness likes this.
  9. realness

    realness Active Member

    good stuff @breath , I hope you made the best of the opportunity with your time alone. I'm slowly learning from other journals and those more advanced in their journey how important it is to pair action with self-help and knowledge. Otherwise we just intellectualize this stuff and stay mired in the filth. Read a chapter of a self help book? Pair it up with a walk that day. Caught up ton an inspiring journal on here? Spend an hour on a project or hobby that day. Stuff like that.

    Anyways I'm feeling pretty good as I approach two weeks away from my big self destructive compulsion. Today I took a half day off work and got a great mountain bike ride in. The colors are really starting to pop here in the Rocky Mountains!
  10. breath

    breath Active Member

    Yea going strong.. So hard issues in my life... I've gotta stay strong and win the fight so to speak.... My life is so difficult now (don't wanna divulge what) but it makes porn a non -issue almost - but I'll stay off porn and stay on the fight... That said I'm off now, signing out ongoing to work... Might take a 10 min lie down have a coffee a nd work...

    Best to all on this thread (especially the $0+ thread :)
    realness likes this.
  11. breath

    breath Active Member

    46 days ! great work man
    realness likes this.
  12. Mad Dog

    Mad Dog Well-Known Member

    Outstanding ! Keep going !
    realness likes this.
  13. realness

    realness Active Member

    Very restless today. Discontent but not totally down or unhappy. Maybe some withdrawal going on. Connections issues while working offsite add to the frustration and feeling that I'm not getting anywhere. But I'm hanging tough and even getting a set of push ups in to burn off the energy and anxieties.

    I'm still having a hard time reaching out to my wife with hugs and affection and not getting any reciprocation. So I've pulled back. It would be healthier if I could keep reaching out and be willing to address issues with my wife. But I know there is unforgiveness and pride on her part so I just don't want to stir it all up. Maybe I'll get healthier and be the bigger person in the near future. For now, I stay in bed as long as I can so she gets up and helps with the kids. I don't greet her first thing in the morning like I normally do because it's always me initiating. It hurts that she greets each of our children as they get up and come into the room but not me, laying right next to her. No sex for a month now. It's frustrating but it remains in the background of the chaos of us parenting 4 kids each day. It would normally drive me into full binges of PMO to bomb my brain with debauchery and dopamine to escape, and also give me a bigger problem to preoccupy myself with. But I surely know that will make it all worse, and damage my brain and my mental health. I'm letting an MO in every few days which isn't ideal, so I'm working on increasing the time in between. We'll have to address how she can overcome the betrayal of catching me masturbating 3 years ago and deceiving her about that for years. But we'll also have to address her record of wrongs, coldness and lack of graciousness and openness to me.

    The lack of intimacy of home and me not acting out through PMO definitely increases the intensity of attraction that hits when I encounter a really nice figure out in public. It's kind of a rush! I keep it to just the first glance where I notice, and I'm not tempted to fantasize or stare. It feels good to be alive and feel that rush and also have the discipline to not let it get out of control. Surfing the urge, one of my favorite tools that I've picked up here on YBR.

    I can't get through this alone, and communication has been sparse with the few guys I can open up too. They are very busy with work. Thankfully I have a good recovery group to attend every Tuesday and this community to come to at all times.
    Old Tom Bombadil likes this.
  14. badger

    badger Well-Known Member

    i totally understand. it's hard to be intimate when we are hiding something. i feel guilty and don't approach the wife. i say "if she only knew the degenerate videos i watch". it's the same with anyone i come face to face with. this filthy addiction spills on to all areas of my life. getting better. but still a way to go for me. hang in there buddy.
    realness likes this.
  15. Mad Dog

    Mad Dog Well-Known Member

    Sounds cold--- but this is about YOU ! This is a good forum folks will listen without judgment. Eventually your wife will come around when she sees you want her BUT don't need her ! Hang tough dude your doing a good job !
    realness likes this.
  16. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    Keep reaching out. Be relentless in your affection and goodwill. Eventually she will come around. Remember, you are doing it for you, not her. We reach and give because it is healthy for us. We reach out because it's natural to do so and creates good habits, along with helping the serotonin flow.

    That is hardly an act of betrayal, my friend. As I've mentioned many time I was outed as a cheater twice and I've managed to put the marriage back together. I'm against the "big talk," though. You can never know where such a talk will end up. The woman usually has trouble sticking with the narrative and instead of her admitting her poor behavior she will bring up all your failings. Women can out maneuver men in such talks and so it's a zero sum game.

    Our actions determine how relationships go. Keep doing what your doing. Reach out, smile, hug, smile some more, do more work around the house. Don't keep score. Tell your wife she's beautiful, attractive, that you love her smile. Why? Because you are building something special inside yourself. It isn't caving to be the one who keeps giving. Be funny, go for walks together. Tell her there's no one else you'd rather grow old with. It's all awkward and clumsy at the beginning, but we get better at it as time goes by.

    You're doing great abstaining from the devil P! You've totally got this!
  17. badger

    badger Well-Known Member

    i agree with you. all the attention and affection may affect my wife. but it is me who is changing from the inside out when i do this. thanks for the reminder.
    Old Tom Bombadil and Saville like this.
  18. realness

    realness Active Member

    @badger , @Mad Dog and @Saville , thank you. I am grateful. Based on your encouragement I'm reminding myself that this is about me. Shedding the weight of PMO is so sweet. Despite the tension with my wife, I enjoyed my family through several events together over the weekend, and also enjoyed myself as someone unburdened by PMO lately. I'm experiencing new feelings as a result. Maybe that didn't come out very well but it's hard to explain how it feels to have PMO increasingly in the past. There's more enjoyment and hope I find going about my day. Less random anxiety and fear. I'm learning that those last two feelings aren't so random but are really driven by PMO and the weight of shame and guilt it heaps on my shoulders.

    You are right on this. I always want to efficiently resolve things with a big talk but it ends up in a circular argument that actually expands the disagreement. My instincts are wrong. I've started to change and it's a slow process but it's already working and I'm seeing positive change in me and you are right that the world around me will respond to that. It's slow, like turning a huge ship instead of a boat. But I'm sold on this.

    Thank you for this. They are hard words to hear when I'm letting my resentment and hurt control me. But this advice is undeniably true.
    Saville and Old Tom Bombadil like this.
  19. realness

    realness Active Member

    It's a strange feeling to be on the downside today regarding my marriage when I should be really happy about my progress with PMO. This afternoon I'll hit 3 weeks of no P and that's awesome! There have been moments of lust and MO and I've been confessing those actively to a few men and I know they need to be killed as well. But to have that distance from the total abyss of any real P or multi hour binges especially does feel great.

    Tension with the wife flared up again last night and it has me down and stumped today. This time it was about my presence and help during the day since the office is closed and I'm teleworking. There is envy and frustration on my wife's side with COVID forcing telework. The freedom I have getting out of the house, working from coffee shop/library, running errands, meeting friends for lunch, generates tension. It's a blurry boundary of what I could be responsible for. I've been limiting my day time responsibilities to school drop off at 8:30AM and pickup at 3PM. That leaves my wife home with the toddler and responsible for pre-school pickup at 11:30. I want to keep it simple like that, but her frustration yesterday was that I could have been available for preschool pickup and could have freed up her day. I've tried to encourage her to set up child care for the toddler occasionally so she has a few hours to herself a few times a week, or for us to obtain in-house child care. But she always has reasons to turn those down and instead finds fault with what I could/should have done.

    Stupid, blurry boundaries like this just flare up the tension. I basically got dragged into the "big talk" last night that @Saville warned about. I was literally thinking "I've been drug in and now I'm being outmaneuvered" . I held my ground as much as possible and put the talk to an end with no major resolution. Somehow we both feel inadequate and unable to please the other and we just go round and round. So I'll be working on loving her well and getting over my own "score card" and resentments. Avoiding big talks. Making healthy choices so I can view things clearly.
    Saville likes this.
  20. badger

    badger Well-Known Member

    my brother, i understand completely.
    i have been married 43 years and it doesn't get any easier. you have to pick your battles. what i have recently since PMO being PMO free is work on me. i used to give in to her for everything even if i knew it was wrong. never satisfied her anyway. i did this because i felt guilty of the smut and degenerate stuff i was jacking off to. i felt i deserved her complaints. like penance. no more. now i am not saying i am an asshole either. but today i am working on me. on being a man. in the end that is what she wants anyway, not some little bitch at her beck and call. i can do it now because there is no guilt on my part. i try to agree with her when feasable, but if it is nonsense or a power/control struggle. she will agree with me. anyway enough of my ramblings. hang in there, i am.
    realness and Saville like this.

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