I've been cruising other's journals, gaining encouragement, wisdom, support and some laughs. I've been wanting to journal for a long time now but have been putting it off, so this is the time to follow through on the commitment that has helped many others in their journey here. I'm 41 years old, and since early childhood like several others here I have always been drawn to erotic lust, even before puberty. I remember the fascination with soap operas, the euphoria of watching the characters make out. Of course the classic JC Penny catalog. I first MO'd to one of those evening "news" shows like Entertainment tonight where the last segment of the half hour show was something more risque like a playboy star interview or something. And then of course dial-up internet happened around 15 years old which really fueled my consumption of pornography. I was probably a daily user of internet picture pornography through college, and I then got brave enough to rent movies from adult video stores around 23 years old, which primed me pretty well to start using video on tube sites around 29 years old. This really took off and I experienced PIED in my marriage in my early-mid 30's, and backed off consumption just enough to lose the PIED but I was still using. Before getting married at 26 I shared a limited picture of my struggle with my wife. I admitted using P again early in my marriage. It was a traumatic experience, my wife was devastated. We started using monitoring software and from then on, it was a background issue where my wife didn't really want to know details but did want to know that I was always making efforts to not use, stay accountable, etc. In January 2019 she caught me up late but not in the act of viewing P. I was able to close the laptop hearing her coming. Again, she was devastated, didn't want to know specific details but wanted me to address the issue. I was devastated as well, and this was a turning point for me to get PMO out of my life for myself. I went through about 9 months of counseling, which did a good job of digging out the underlying issues of what was driving me to this behavior. I'll elaborate on this on future posts. Since those 18 months or so, I've been healthier but still going back to PMO, I've been improving in recovery and it's time now to add this journal to my tool belt. I'd love to be challenged here by brothers, and I need to push myself to share and encourage on other's journals. Another tool for me to pick up in my recovery. Today is Day 1.