Divorce.

Discussion in 'Ages 40+' started by breath, Oct 12, 2021.

  1. breath

    breath Active Member

    When is it right to do?

    Summon the courage to rebuild and believe in oneself.. see the values/reasons to persevere?
     
  2. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    I believe that most of us got married to a pretty good partner, but that our lack of life-skills, and theirs, contributed to the relationship faltering. I also believe that we can summon the courage WHILE we're still married. I think it is incredibly important to do so. Belief in oneself sounds good, but what is it anyway? Unless one's spouse is abusing them, in no uncertain terms, I think we have a duty to ourselves to try harder. I have watched my own relationship move from the sewer to sweet smelling ground. No, it's not a perfect relationship (which one is?) but we have fun together and the love is there. My unhappiness was my unhappiness. Ditching PMO allowed me to investigate this unhappiness further.

    One thing I do know for sure is that leaving a marriage for another person is folly.
     
  3. Mad Dog

    Mad Dog Well-Known Member

    It sounds so easy just move on but what do you move on to, what are you moving on from ? I faced this seriousness and the more I thought about it the more I realized the main problem I had was ME ! I agree with Saville moving on because of or too another person is a mistake in my opinion a big one.
     
    Last edited: Oct 14, 2021
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  4. breath

    breath Active Member

    The dilemma is not for another person but rather about not wanting to be bossed around and berated. I've been sleeping on the couch, and also not allowing myself to be bossed around and berated. I don't want to play the blame game, but I blame myself #1 as having silently endured disrespect for many years... I'm calmly trying to stop the pattern is all
     
  5. breath

    breath Active Member

    Wow. I just had a moment where I was compelled to PMO... I thought better of it. Quick reflection : I was stressed about tough challenges i face these days and could instantly make the pain go away.. I'll keep on the harder prouder path though.. whew that was close ! I'd better clean up my professional workspace in the next hour and stick to my 2 year plan of garnering work
     
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  6. Mad Dog

    Mad Dog Well-Known Member

    Be strong ands don't let her disrespect you ! Women. do this so it's a way to have control. They don't hav e male strength their mothers teach them how to do it. When she acts up simply say " no !"She will push but be strong say: " you know I ove you but you're not going to give me shit or disrespect me that's over honey !" It will take time but she will stop and suddenly sex will become more sensual. I went though that with this with my first marriage when I first stopped her she became insanely sexual.
     
    Last edited: Oct 24, 2021
  7. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    Sleeping on the couch only creates further division, imo. I too was bossed around and berated. I turned things around by reaching out to her and by not taking anything personally. My only mandate was to have regular sex (once-a-week). When we are intimate it cures a world of hurts. A man's job, in part, is to suck up the unreasonableness that women use regularly.

    Creating boundaries, having talks, do not work. We decide that we are worthy and then we go about our day doing the things the male partner must take care. If there is a vacuum the women will fill it with her ideas of what manhood should look like.

    Great that you staved off the pmo beast!
     
    Libertad likes this.
  8. badger

    badger Active Member

    you said " silently endure for many years" same here the first 25yrs of my marriage i was a drunk. so the wife had control over everything i couldn't even control myself. i could not take care of myself. for all those years she was the boss. took care of everything. and let me know it. i endured it because i thought i deserved it. i have been sober 18jyrs now. the first 4-5yrs i started to assert myself anytime she wanted to boss me around like old times. i did not feel guilty as i was not drinking and fucking up anymore. that has changed. but the one that changed was me not her. she can go on trying to berate me or insult me. it will fall on deaf ears. she will then stop. this has not happened in years. now PMO. same guilt except she does not know why i am submissive now. but she can smell the guilt like old times. again with this streak of no PMO, i am changing. slowly but surely. she can sense it again. i look her in the eye now and we discuss my decision and agree or disagree. but no more name calling, disrespect, or berating. again, the one that changed was me. she just changed to live peacefully with me or not. now i am not saying bully her or i am the macho man. i am saying now i am assertive and speak my voice. i am not a masturbating milquetoast. not a pussy. everything just kind of falls in place when i don't allow the filth monster in my house. hang in there it gets better. sometimes it gets worse before it gets better, just do the next right thing in front of you. don't quit before the miracle.
     
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  9. breath

    breath Active Member

    SO SIMILAR! I have for allowed my passive phlegmatic personality to submit to her fire and controlling and berating. I have stopped taking it.. Not blaming her , after all I enabled that.. I won't beat myself up either... Just not gonna be subject to any disrespect.. It'll be on deaf ears as you said, or in any case it will not get me to shrivel or cower to avoid conflict. I still feel like I'm going strong with no PMO (even though I do have to reset the counter from a day ago- still I have tasted being off it and I like it way better and am not a pornwanker anymore!)
     
  10. breath

    breath Active Member

    How do I reset the goddamned counter?
     
  11. Mad Dog

    Mad Dog Well-Known Member

    As long as you keep you're internal counter reset that's all that matters !
     
  12. Old Tom Bombadil

    Old Tom Bombadil Active Member

    Hi Breath,
    A great set of exchanges between you and the guys. Breath you have my sympathies. I too sleep apart from my wife and she wont let me back - it is shit. Mad Dog is right about the streaks its the internal counter reset is what really counts but here is how I reset my digital counter on YBR. First I need to be logged in. Once you are you will see that all the posts have a bit at the bottom that reads I'm using Your Brain Rebalanced's new PMO Tracker! Set up your own here. Click on the blue bit and it opens a page with a prompt that says "Set the date and time that you began your streak". Click in the box that says "Date" and you get a calendar showing the days of this month (or earlier if you click on the arrow at the top). Click on the date you began the new streak. If you want to set the time, click in the box that says "12.00" and has a clock icon and select the time. When you are finished press "Submit". Remember that the counter reset will not show straight away. All best,
    Tom
     
    Last edited: Nov 1, 2021
    breath likes this.
  13. breath

    breath Active Member

     
  14. Old Tom Bombadil

    Old Tom Bombadil Active Member

    Indeed onward and upward! Best,
    Tom
     
  15. breath

    breath Active Member

    Hmm,

    still the couch for me..... but we are civil..... I'lll go clean and be positive, it is extending an olive branch in my mind....
     
  16. Mad Dog

    Mad Dog Well-Known Member

    What would happen if you said Iam sleeping in the bed tonight?
     
  17. realness

    realness Active Member

    This threat is a gem. There are layers of addressing compulsion and PMO use/addiction, and one big layer to address is the consequences of passivity and escape that add up over the years. Especially in relationships and with your spouse if you're married. A lot of us may just have a general bent towards passivity and conflict avoidance (nice guy syndrome), but PMO use pushes that bent into a steep dive. I completely agree with @Saville , @badger and @Mad Dog on their points. We leave a big gap of leadership, drive and presence in a relationship when we're withdrawn and passive as a result of PMO. Like badger said, we feel we deserve to be pushed around and mistreated.

    I've experienced steady gains in my relationship as I've advanced in sobriety. I have less brain fog with PMO relapses being less frequent and more distanced. I have better self awareness as I'm not dragged down as much with shame and self loathing. I have increased clarity being active in recovery with wisdom found here in YBR and in one-one-one encounters with others who are serious about recover and real life. Those have translated to my relationship as I've embraced conflict in a healthy way instead of retreating. And I've followed through in instances of conflict where I would previously just retreat, thinking that lodging my complaint was enough and I'd quickly retreat in the face of any resistance. We'll typically get resistance. But when we're sober minded we have a clear view of what's reasonable and can continue to assert ourselves in a healthy way to get a relationship on a healthy footing for both parties. Especially for ourselves when we are changing direction from an unhealthy course.
     
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