Disheartened by constant relapse?

Discussion in 'Pornography Addiction' started by Billy B., Apr 10, 2017.

  1. Billy B.

    Billy B. PMO is NOT an option!

    One fella wrote to me privately, lamenting the negative psychological effects of constant relapse and how he feels so despondent sometimes that he feels like he will never be free.

    My response, below, I thought I would share in the hope that it might offer encouragement to others in the same predicament.


    I'm sad to hear that you can't seem to get over the hump or whatever... I wish that I could offer something to help inspire you.

    The only thing I can really do is to encourage you to keep trying. I can totally relate to that self-depreciation that comes from constant failure, though. You've seen me do well here but I went through the same cycles myself, many times before I got this clean-streak rolling. I encourage you to stay here, read widely, support others and journal every day or so (even while you're using), analysing yr triggers and yr attempts to side-step them and all the rest. Ain't nobody here (except the odd fuck-wit) who's gonna offer anything but total support. The forgiveness and patience the other fellows offer may help you to be less hard on yourself. Coming here regular, even if yr still using has got to have a cumulative effect.

    I encourage you also to keep trying different strategies (and try them again, if they don't seem to work as, sometimes, a strategy may not work sometimes but, at other times, be helpful). I think it is absolutely possible for you to get clean. That you just haven't perhaps found what works for you.

    I suspect that there are many tools and strategies that you've yet to try, and none of these require that you be clean to get started. Some of these may include:

    SLAA - Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous. I find the groups I attend to be extremely supportive and talking about my addiction out loud, in a safe environment, hearing other peoples stories has taught me much about myself. If the whole god/higher-power thing happens to be an issue,
    it need not be.

    God - I can't remember if you're a man of faith or not, but if so, I imagine there is much strength and forgiveness that could be found there, either in your personal relationship with, or through your fellowship.

    Therapy - Almost any addiction equates to a mal-adaptive strategy to cope with uncomfortable feelings. Sorting out ones baggage and learning to cope in healthy ways with stress, grief, loneliness (whatever) is likely crucial to any kind of success - in the long term, but even getting in over the initial hump. Perhaps an actual sex-therapist that might help, or one who works with
    mindfulness. Again, if it doesn't seem to be working, try a different strategy, a different therapist, a different approach.

    Internet porn-blockers - there's much debate over their usefulness, I know, but it's certainly true that they have helped many folks to at least get through the first few months or so, to a point where they can feel strong enough to start making that choice for themselves.

    Meditation, nutrition, physical fitness, engaging a new hobby - reading widely here will give you many ideas/examples of what has helped others to get clean. And it really is a whole-life-style approach to recovery (not simply abstinence) that seems to be the key.

    Have you had a look at the
    hack-book based on Allen Carrs non-willpower method?

    Please don't give up on yourself: the alternative doesn't bare considering as far as I'm concerned - that is to stay stuck in one's shit, miserable and disconnected, indefinitely.

    Posi-vibes to you, Bro.

    I hope to see you back here and engaged, once again.
    Mendoza likes this.
  2. NightsWatch

    NightsWatch Member

    You'll know you're ready to move on in anything in life when perceiving the task is no longer a mountain to be climbed, but rather a weight to be dropped and soon forgotten.
    Billy B. likes this.
  3. Mendoza

    Mendoza Well-Known Member

    I'll add to that: seeing the mountain seems like an impossible goal in the immediate present. Defer success to much later; what counts here is the journey in its unheroic step by step process, a day at a time. It's in the one step, a day at a time where the mini victories can be won. Soon enough, you will be on top. But you got to get that notion of immediate success out of your head.

    Hats off, Billy B. Great piece of work.;)
  4. kira

    kira Member

    Amazing thread!

    Thanks Billy B :)
  5. Nomadic

    Nomadic Member

    Well written, Billy B! Thanks for posting. Very meaningful and positive.
  6. Billy B.

    Billy B. PMO is NOT an option!

    Thanks, folks, yeah.

    And Mendoza: you and Nightawatch are right on the money. I've been roughly two and a half weeks free of my daily pot habit and it's One Day at Time that is getting me through this. Trying not to focus on the mountain but just on the section of the trail immediately in front of me. And, just as importantly the idea that, for me, there's nothing to 'give up', only an opportunity to get real, to find out what life is like without my addictions numbing me to the pain (as well as the joy) of life. Consequently, I'm not struggling with the potential to relapse, only with the discomfort of withdrawal which is much more manageable: as I know it will pass.

    Stay gold, Brothers.
    Last edited: Apr 11, 2017
  7. Nomadic

    Nomadic Member

    Reminds me of when I started running. I wanted to be a good runner who could run 6 miles per day and be lean and mean. I ran 3 miles 2 days in a row and thought, this is impossible! I'm so sore! It's so HARD! I suck at running! Luckily, I had the foresight to take a step back and say 'No, maybe I'm expecting too much too soon. I'm new to this. It's a process.' How about going for 2 miles every other day instead and then adding a mile when I feel more fit? I put a more realistic approach on it.

    3 years later, I was averaging 7-8mi per day/ 50 miles a week, racing half marathons, and was 50lbs lighter. Never in my wildest dreams did I think I could have achieved this when I started. But soon after accepting the process.....and enjoying the process, I realized if I just focused on what I had to TODAY.....that 2 mile run or just taking a walk and eating well, I would eventually just keep improving if I was just consistent. And who knows where that constant improvement will lead? And that's what happened.

    If I just tried to cram in miles and looked to the finish line back when I started, I would have quit early on, wrongly adopted the "I suck at running" mantra, stayed chubby, and been unhappy with myself deep down.
    But breaking these down to baby steps, being consistent and patient with paid huge dividends. I think same applies somewhat to having a lifestyle that is PMO free. You have to accept the process and do the little things to help yourself along the way. You can't just be putting the majority of your focus on how your dick is working and how long your streak is.
    Billy B. likes this.

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