Discoraged, past given up, but looking for new light.

Discussion in 'Ages -19' started by thepmokiller490, Oct 20, 2019.

  1. thepmokiller490

    thepmokiller490 New Member

    So I just made this account for this quick, simple post. I was already on one of these kinds of forums but that didn't stay relevant. I'm also very doubtful that this could lead to anything new but here's my story.

    Tl;dr. I don't fight relapses anymore. I'm finding that coming to peace with PMO is easier then quitting now. Where would you go from here?

    I got addicted around mid-6th grade. Stupid perverted kid wanting to put tits in the search bar. Soon, I found myself searching for more, and next thing I knew I couldn't stop searching. So I went with the basic quit fast strategy: abstain for long enough to have something click. I kept doing it, I kept resetting the counter. I got caught several times. Still didn't quit. I was going on to year 1, then year 2. I kept relapsing and resetting for far too long. Man do I know now how in vain it was. I tried talking to my brother about it. He told me at the time he didn't know how to help me.

    Highschool came around. Freshman year had new band friends, and later on I found a few people outside. Even some girls I loved talking to. PMO was still a problem, but those relationships felt like new revival to keep going. Summer of freshman year I got my longest streak, 45 days. It came crashing down when I went back to school.

    Sophomore year I updated my brother on what I had. He revealed to me that he also occasionally PMed too. Except he didn't have a fucking problem. He couldn't help me. I had a mental breakdown and I couldn't bring myself to tell my dad about this. I don't see how it could help me.

    For the rest of that year I slowly fell, and I simply just wanted to be able to give up. I went for so long, but I knew nothing could come of it then.

    It's my junior year now. I've given up on the idea of holding back relapses. However, I don't see why that's so bad. So long I did the same thing and got nowhere. I feel my life is starting to go somewhere.

    Along with this, I have been seeing a new light on how others see it. THEY. DON'T. CARE. These other girls I chat with a lot nowadays simply asked me if I ever watched porn, and I admited to them. Myself from a year ago would never have done that. People joke about and I ofc don't like it but I laugh with them.

    However there is definitely something I can't ignore. I'm still horribly pervy. It is on a uncontrollable level and I finally saw that it was the reason for my social insecurities.

    This was a lot of rambling. If you made it this far I thank you for your time to read it. Where would you go from here? Anything else you want to know know?
  2. thepmokiller490

    thepmokiller490 New Member

    What did I expect?
  3. Joshua Shea

    Joshua Shea Well-Known Member

    Are you truly addicted to it as in it's causing worse grades, friendships to fall apart, etc., or do you just feel shame after PMO?
  4. thepmokiller490

    thepmokiller490 New Member

    It's an addiction in the idea of it being uncontrollable. It is a lot of shame, which I set myself up for with what I made my personal standards. I feel like I'm wronging someone through my fantasies and my ways to make them. I told myself for years that pmo isn't "natural" and I shouldn't be doing this.

    Relationships with any girls I do find myself talking to don't feel like a real relationship. Like right now these girls who sit right next to me occasionally ask me for my input on whatever odd topic they are talking about. That's really it. Sometimes those last the entire class (seminar class btw) and I love those days but otherwise I'll find myself sitting there listening to what they are talking about and I struggle to find interest in it. When I do join in I get ignored and I just stop mid sentence. These days I make fantasies about them, and make it feel like I shouldn't talk to them when I've done that.

    Thanks for the reply. Sorry I took so long to respond as I didn't think I would get one.
  5. Joshua Shea

    Joshua Shea Well-Known Member

    @thepmokiller490 Where do you think those personal standards and feelings like you shouldn't talk to them after fantasies come from? Do you have anybody in your real life who knows about your porn addiction?
  6. thepmokiller490

    thepmokiller490 New Member

    Shame. Shame that I would think those things about them. It feels like the small relationship I have with anyone falls apart, and I know it's my own doing. Since my start of wanting rid of this I (dumbly) told myself that I'd never get a girl if I had pmo and now I want to get rid of that idea. While I like their chats, I don't see myself with any of them. One already has a bf. The other I feel like I already missed my chance. Thats when I start the fantasies. That is when I stop trying to chat. If I feel it's not going anywhere I want, I give up on it and let it die. Doesn't help me with my introverted nature.

    My brother knows about it. However, he at that time told me that he as well does this sort of thing. Except he didn't have an addiction, he actually did it in controlled, entertaining urges. It's not entertainment for me anymore. A little while ago he said he was entirely done with this. Yeah, why not have the great grades, not be struggling with catch up, actually getting a life planned, AND JUST QUIT PMO BY SAYING HE DOESN'T WANT TO ANYMORE! I do have a good relationship with him, just a vent.

    Would you mind if we swap to private messages? This post was just wanting to get someone to notice me. Thanks for noticing.

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