did it again

Discussion in 'Ages 40+' started by badger, Mar 13, 2021.

  1. badger

    badger Well-Known Member

    i know not an excuse but this am snuggled with my wife after over 30 days and last failed attempt at sex due to PIED. i thought i was ready after this long streak, long for me anyway. same result. my little friend didn't wake up. frustrated. upset. shameful. went to my old reliable PMO. i rationalized needed release. rationalized it really wasn't relapse because i tried with y wife first. same bs excuses. it is still a relapse. damn. start again. thank you for letting me have my pity party. have 2 ears and 1 mouth for a reason. will listen for a while.
  2. Mad Dog

    Mad Dog Well-Known Member

    It will happen dont gi ve up
  3. forlorn

    forlorn Well-Known Member

    Don't beat yourself up about it. At least you attempted sexual intimacy with your partner, I'm presently so 'paralyzed' by fear of failure that I don't even attempt it. I suspect your 30 day streak wasn't long enough to allow real change to take effect. I've just done a month without PMO. A couple of days ago I tried masturbating without the use of porn or fantasy and I found that I couldn't get aroused. If I allowed myself to look at porn or conjure up a mental fantasy I would 100% get a response down below. I guess this is why they suggest a 90 day period of abstinence.
  4. badger

    badger Well-Known Member

    thanks. i will keep fighting the good fight.
  5. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    @badger, though you feel the failure acutely, it was actually a success. Initiating intimacy with your wife was brave. You took a chance on yourself, which means, if you allow it, it can inform your future self. Being vulnerable is always a risk, but it is a risk me must take! I've been where you are and felt the devastation that goes with not getting a boner. It isn't just that you need to wait longer, but that you must take the pressure off yourself to "perform." A number of weeks before I tried PIV with the wife I would hug her a lot and we would kiss. This fooling around allowed the circuits time to reacquaint themselves to intimacy.
    Cali likes this.
  6. Cali

    Cali Active Member

    I would not be too hard on yourself for not being able to perform yet. I am almost at 30 days and I am sure that I still cannot get aroused without porn or fantasy. I keep reminding myself that I have been using PMO and/or fantasy for decades so expecting to rewire my brain in a few short weeks is not realistic. I like @Saville's suggestion of beginning with intimacy that does not require full on intercourse that way I can ease into getting the proper circuits firing again. We need to make a conscious decision to give this rewiring thing a chance or else we will be on our death beds someday with a lot of regret. We can do this @badger, but we need to be patient and remember that years of abuse will need time to heal. I know the reward will be worth the wait and I try to remind myself of that fact everyday.
    forlorn likes this.
  7. Mozenjo

    Mozenjo Well-Known Member

    Badger, everyone above is right: you are to be admired for going for it. I would bet your wife is glad you did. The intimacy you both want with each other doesn't have to center on intercourse. That will return in due time. It's that time that we must all log in. In the scope of our lives, it's a very short period of time, really, and so worth investing in. Hang in there, man. I'm proud of you.
  8. badger

    badger Well-Known Member

    thank you Cali. appreciate the feedback. always reading your posts for gems of wisdom.
  9. badger

    badger Well-Known Member

    thanks. my wife was both surprised and very happy at my try at intimacy. i have not been intimate with her, not the physical, in years. thanks again.
  10. badger

    badger Well-Known Member

    patience..uggh. the opposite of instant gratification with porn. working on it. thanks
  11. badger

    badger Well-Known Member

    thanks Saville. you make a lot of sense. i will keep at it.
  12. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    You're welcome! :)

    It can be hard to think of what we do as significant, or brave, or worthy, because we've spent our lives putting ourselves down. I know that when others say "good job" I often don't feel like I didn't a good job. But, this is as much part of the journey, as staying away from P.

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