devnull

Discussion in 'Ages 40+' started by devnull, Jul 23, 2017.

  1. titan_transcendence

    titan_transcendence Well-Known Member

    I think we P addicts would need this printed somewhere near our computers, like when we got the idea: "Hey, I want to watch some nekkid ladies and rutting. Its so fun!" Then we should see words like this - Want to PMO - how about feeling like this? Sound a good idea still?
    Its a vicious cycle indeed, by PMO'ng we start to feel so bad, that we want to some quick remedy for that. Then we use just more P, and it helps for that time when we are using. But when we have to return to reality, we have sunk just lower in our mood.
    Its no other way than bear those symptoms for few days, then deal with new rising urges. After few days, we can reach more stable mood again - but then have to deal with our "forgetfulness" how bad the P was at first place.
    Stay strong! You can do it!
     
    Last edited: Aug 6, 2017
  2. devnull

    devnull Member

    Yeah, TT. When thinking about PMO I wish I could press a button and instantly feel what I do now for a few seconds. It would be great aversion training. But unfortunately, like you say, we have to deal with the 'recovered' brain compelling us to go back to the source of the dopamine. But I welcome the return of the urge, because by then I won't feel quite as bad as I do now, and it'll mean I have another chance to resist.

    And resist I must, because otherwise I don't know what I'll do. My life will go down the toilet. I'll have let myself and loved ones down. I'll have no or limited prospects. I'll lose my friends. I'll lose my health. I'll end up with no money. I'll eventually die poor, unhappy, alone, unfulfilled, and leaving a trail of emotional wreckage behind me for loved ones to deal with. I must resist or this is the sort of fate that awaits me.
     
  3. ruggerdoug

    ruggerdoug Well-Known Member

    @devnull, for what its worth you (and my oldest son) have inspired me to do more than just go through the motions on this fight. Your last several posts about your struggles and some things he asked me this morning combined to hit me between the eyes.

    Openly struggling here doesn't just help you it helps others.

    Keep at it!

    RD
     
    devnull likes this.
  4. NCBob

    NCBob The 11th commandment: Thou shalt not peek:-)


    Hey Devnull, this entire PMO process just sucks the life right out of us, doesn't it. The entrance to the PMO highway is lined with pearly gates, almost heavenly. And soon enough, our lives turn into a living hell.

    If we can resist giving in to the temptation of that incredible dopamine fix, and do it time and time and time and again, until our brain understands that we're serious about experiencing true joy, well, then, we'll have this thing figured out.

    Keep the faith, bro:)
     
    devnull likes this.
  5. bobjes

    bobjes Active Member

    You made me realise that it is aversion training for me... If the urge comes up I actually do feel sick tot the stomach thinking about the empty P wraith years and something in me shouts 'No way am I going back there'.

    Keep on Dev!
     
    devnull likes this.
  6. fcjl8

    fcjl8 The only path for me

    Hi devnull...

    Hang in there brother... cheering for you. Fight hard sir! Fight this scourge with all your might!

    We are here to fight along side you. We are in this together.

    Peace and love
     
    devnull likes this.
  7. devnull

    devnull Member

    Thanks a lot for the support guys, really. Boy, how I've majorly crashed and burned after my longest stretch of sobriety ever. I thought I could just shrug the binges off and get clean again, but instead I'm really, really struggling like I can't believe.

    I've been in Class A addict territory, on a rapid swearing-off and re-binging ping-pong cyclic loop of doom that I don't seem to have any control over. It's seriously Not Pschologically Good to be flip-flopping mental states like this. I seem to have two sides to me that have almost no overlap: the one who wants to live, and the the one who wants oblivion. Flip a coin to see which one is in the driving seat at any given time.

    How does what feels like an utterly broken brain fix itself? I've no idea. I think it was really an act of God (grace) that I made it to escape velocity last time. It's not something I seem to be able to do on my own. There needs to be some mysterious intervention.

    But OK, despite saying it many many times recently, I can't really do much more than say it again, with all the conviction I've got: "This is it. It's over. NO MORE!". I will also pray to receive more strength.

    Even as I write this I can feel presence of the addict, lurking.
     
    Last edited: Aug 7, 2017
    NCBob likes this.
  8. 40New30

    40New30 Keep going

    I understand completely, been there...it's like a living nightmare. The only thing you can do is draw a line in the sand today.
     
  9. NCBob

    NCBob The 11th commandment: Thou shalt not peek:-)

    Exactly, devnull.
     
  10. devnull

    devnull Member

    Warning: some might find this post triggering.

    For the last 2 weeks I've been in a huge Russian beach resort. There were literally thousands of 18-25 year old Russian girls, pretty much all with perfect bodies and wearing spray-on hot pants or tiny bikinis. Cavorting or reclining seductively, as they do.

    It has just about driven me insane, and I'm being serious. From breakfast to bedtime it's been a non-stop eyeball assault, live soft P really. I've been muttering 'holy fuck' to myself (out loud, can't help it sometimes), and softly biting my knuckles on many an occasion. As a result I've not really been too present with the people I'm with.

    I've binge PMO'd quite a bit as a result of being massively triggered every day, but finally got physically exhausted of it and 'rested' for a few days. 'Rested' meaning feeling quite ill and crap of course. Life of addict... It's tough.

    I've felt utterly impotent. I love to watch these girls, but even if the hottest girl in the world was all over me, I'd have PIED and be a total loser. I read the journal of some other guy on the 40+ section, and he says he had a 22 year old gf and got PIED and still jerked off to P when she wasn't looking. Fuck.... Us addicts are so fucked up.

    Also here I've seen plenty of young males that seem more manly than me - deeper voices, more muscle mass, great looking girls on their arms... Again, I've felt like a total and utter loser.

    I'm starting to think that I need to have an aim, like successfully dating and fucking a younger woman. But what a massive uphill battle that will be. Right now whenever I see hotties or imagine real sex with them my brain lights up like a Christmas tree, but I'm totally dead in the penis department. If I'm being honest, right now I don't even want real sex, what I want is to say 'take off your clothes and do sexy moves while I drop my pants and jerk off over you'.

    The only thing that gets me actually hot is P, even live females would have to act like P to get me going. Depressing. Maybe I need to find a female P addict to be with.

    Sorry this is not a positive post. I feel very far away from positive.
     
    Last edited: Aug 11, 2017
  11. ruggerdoug

    ruggerdoug Well-Known Member

    @devnull, i've been chewing on what to say in response to your post for over an hour. Do I try to be positive or funny? Incredibly wise? I really have no fucking idea how to respond to help you!

    I thought I was carrying a little bit of misery in my life working in a big firm with about 50 under 30 auditors, mostly female and because of corporate policy can't even think about them. You sir are several layers of hell deeper than me!

    Something to think about.

    Wisdom beats muscles. Serious. Don't forget this is coming from a guy that's dated younger women and plays rugby with 20 somethings. Wisdom always beats muscle. Compare yourself on a wisdom scale to everybody else. You're at the top of the heap!

    Wisdom tells us that looking at their tits is going to get you labeled desperate or a creepy old man or worse! Look them in the eyes! You'll come off as confident, take the focus off the bikini and show yourself to be a higher grade male than the new young guys who can't look them in the eyes!

    Talk to a few of them. They're not just objects to stare at. Just casually say hello, where are you from, enjoying your trip? All it takes is for one or two of them have a conversation with you… If you can do it without a language barrier… And then you realize sometimes a young beauty is just a body without a brain. Many times I found the fantasy pops like a big thought bubble when you realize they're at the stage of their lives a doll without substance.

    Get your work done and get out of there!

    Rugger
     
  12. bobjes

    bobjes Active Member

    @devnull that sure is torture...

    I love the irony though, right out of the script of a comedy on Porn addiction!

    Seriously, I live in a holiday town with sub-tropical conditions most of the time... One of the things I am still learning is not to get lost in the part of my brain that can light up like a Xmas tree when the soft porn images are all over the streets and beaches. It is some kind of mindfulness practice. Rather than ignore the beauty that can not be ignored I acknowledge it in my mind (wow, beautiful woman). Two elements here, 'beauty" as young women sure are beautiful and sexy (older ones too :)) and like to highlight this on their holidays, and secondly 'woman' in other words a real human being, living and breathing and with real emotions, not some P image! Trying to ignore what is in front of me does not work. And it is in the ruminating about, processing in the brain of what I perceive that the triggering happens. The acknowledgement that there is a real person here kinda stops the jumping into the brain super high way to PMO that we have created for ourselves...

    It takes a lot of practice but over time has gotten to a point where I have started talking to some of the women I meet as @ruggerdoug suggests and often it feels like a relief to perceive them as human beings rather than images.

    On the feeling the PIED... That has felt really sad to me over the last year and still does. But that is about learning to empower myself again after disempowering myself through PMO myself for such a long time...

    How do you eat an elephant a friend asked me earlier in the week? One bite at a time! and healing from PMO addiction sure is an elephant...

    Thanks for sharing!
     
  13. fcjl8

    fcjl8 The only path for me

    Summer time in Canada , which is very short. The ladies all dress like they will never see another summer. Every where is a provocative zone. Winter time they are bundled up in parkas and boots.. LOL. It is a real shock to the system when the short shorts... yoga pants and mini skirts first appear.

    I have learned to take a "notice and dismiss" approach. I mean if an attractive lady crosses my view... hey that is not my issue. If I start to linger or take 3-4 looks or store images away for fantasy... well... honestly that is my old way. This is working out quite well. I also, make lots of eye contact and smile. I get lots of "hellos" back or even conversations strike up. Much nicer than objectification of old.
     
    bobjes likes this.
  14. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    I think, for a man, we need a woman in our lives to help right sexuality ship. MO is fraught with danger for any addict, as it leads eventually back to P. We get that "fuck it" moment and then just go for it. As 40new30 said "draw a line in the sand today" and stay absolutely sober for a couple of weeks. After those two weeks you'll be thinking more clearly. Not easy, of course, but a necessity if we are to get clean. Also, after two weeks, you might plot a strategy to meet a woman. I mentioned to Mendoza a long time ago that perhaps if he lowered his standards as to what a woman should look like then he might actually find someone that suits him emotionally. Just throwing spaghetti at your journal walls. It's a process and we must believe in it.
     

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