Determined to Live; Failure is not an Option

Discussion in 'Ages 20-24' started by rcfergie5, Jun 1, 2012.

  1. rcfergie5

    rcfergie5 Guest

    Re: Bringing Anxiety to it's Knees; A Golden Life Waiting to Happen

    I beg to differ. I've lifted weights soley, and I only gained muscle, never lost fat. Because 1. I didn't do any cardio, 2. My diet was mediocre.

    I still don't plan on lifting any until April 25, a couple weeks isn't too much for some people, and I find I may be needing more than a mere week to recover completely.
     
  2. rcfergie5

    rcfergie5 Guest

    Re: Bringing Anxiety to it's Knees; A Golden Life Waiting to Happen

    368 Days Overall, 296 Days PMO Free

    All right, YBR. To cut to the chase, I've been experiencing more negative moods, and lack of memory, lack of brain function in general, lately, and I'm beginning to reconfirm that Internet Addiction is real, and the withdrawal symptoms compare to that of illegal drugs like cocaine. It's probably no wonder I do the AA drills every other day!

    So starting tomorrow, I'm spending only an hour on days I'm online, while I'm still cutting one day, each week. I will be online tomorrow, April 16, and April 18, this week. I'll cut down to 30 minutes online, later.

    As for masturbation, due to the concern I might be zinc deficient and I think that also affects my brain power, and the fact it's also obviously addicting, I'm avoiding masturbation, at ALL costs. I deserve better than this!
     
  3. rcfergie5

    rcfergie5 Guest

    Re: Bringing Anxiety to it's Knees; A Golden Life Waiting to Happen

    Now I'm really pissed at myself... I MO'd.. Only twice, though... But I'm feeling worse every time I do it.. I don't care if it's good for some people, it's not good for me, and I can't just have an MO schedule, this is bullshit! And on top of that, I was on the verge of looking up porn! Also, I've been online for hours daily, lately.. And all that is fucking up my mood! That's it, I'm adding an MO counter back.. Fuck this all. Tomorrow I'm taking drastic measures: spending only an hour on online days, and I'm gonna pinch myself everytime I think about masturbation.. I can't baby myself everytime I MO, anymore, because this is not working. That is not working at all.
     
  4. rcfergie5

    rcfergie5 Guest

    Re: Bringing Anxiety to it's Knees; A Golden Life Waiting to Happen

    Last MO tonight, and I nearly looked up some nude pictures, even got so close to peeking at porn... Uh oh.. This calls for the most drastic measure now: I'm taking 10 days offline, to not only maintain my no PMO streak, but to make sure I never spend hours online again, and certainly never MO again. This is my punishment, as well as my solution... Good night fellas.
     
  5. Sexual-healing

    Sexual-healing Face it, to overcome it.

    Re: Bringing Anxiety to it's Knees; A Golden Life Waiting to Happen

    I hope you'll do well my friend.
    It'll be good for you to stay off your computer for a while.
    Do what is best for you! Best of luck.
     
  6. JJ

    JJ New Member

    Re: Bringing Anxiety to it's Knees; A Golden Life Waiting to Happen

    Agreed that time off the internet can really help. Internet can be a big trigger, but if you associate internet only with a certain mundane activity the association will fade with time--for example, only checking email, bank account, etc.
     
  7. rcfergie5

    rcfergie5 Guest

    Re: Bringing Anxiety to it's Knees; A Golden Life Waiting to Happen

    372 Days Overall, 300 Days PMO Free!!

    So far, I greeted plenty of people, and I just got my good mood back since yesterday, and I already approached four women at the same time and asked for the time and directions! Epic win!

    Another epic win is that I scored 166 points without bumpers on bowling, the first round. Whoo hoo! Part of the Superfriends thing (like with the Halloween and game parties).

    The bad news is, I embarassed myself when I bowled the ball and hit something I honestly didn't quite see, as there were no pins, and a couple people told me not to do that when there are no pins, but I overreacted.. I even teased my friend Carli playfully, and she didn't take it well, so she told me to stop, and I felt insulted, so I sarcastically told her, "I feel real sorry you can't take a joke, I was only trying to be your friend, see ya later." later that time, I talked to Lori, who calmed me down before, when I overreacted, as well as my old teacher and friend of Lori's, Lucille, about the situations I didn't handle well, and they were very understanding.

    The point of that is, I may be overcoming approach anxiety, but I still really need to work on accepting criticism, no matter how much I can't stand it, and respecting the fact that some people don't like being played with, no matter how much I expect them to. Sometimes, I still care too much about what people think, I still take things personally. Maybe it's because I'm still going through Internet and masturbation withdrawal at once.. And I'm gonna keep learning from those mistakes and moving forward, much like Rocky. In fact, I am apologizing to Carli, tomorrow.

    Day 373 Overall, Day 301 PMO Free

    I have never felt so empty in months! I even felt like crying... It's horrible, I did more damage than I thought, and I've been hard on myself, all because my masturbation and much Internet use almost lead me to a PMO relapse. The only things in my favor, is that I stopped myself before it was too late, and I'm still going out, even though I absolutely do not feel like looking at anybody, much less a pretty girl, whatsoever..

    Which is very sad, because I love me some girls! I didn't even want to go to yoga class... I can now imagine how I would've reacted to a full PMO relapse, because that's the fucking lowest I could have gone! Even lower than I am, right now..

    Now I'm really done with masturbation, once and for all, it's not for me, and I'm just gonna stop saying anything about it, from here on in. And after April 23, 2013, I don't care what anybody thinks, because unless it's the holidays or my birthday, I am only gonna be online once a month, for the sake of safety and my brain.

    Oh and I did apologize to Carli, earlier this morning, though, and we're good. And I exercised my mental resistance to my addictions by breaking sticks, pretending they were my addictions, and throwing them away in the grass, where they belong.

    Day 374 Overall, Day 302 PMO Free

    This morning started out with me still feeling a little bad about myself (although not like yesterday), then it dawned on me: even though I was much worse yesterday, I still went and did yoga class, and did the films for my graduation speech. Then my self-esteem raised, and I knew if I just got out of my head and talked to some people, I would feel better about myself. The point is, I can still do anything I want even on a bad day, as long as I believe I can. So now that I realize that, I can't really use my bad feelings as an excuse.

    I went sailing on a boat as part of the Outdoor Recreation class, and it was very relaxing. I even sat in class to chill with some female classmates Samantha, Selene and Jessica and a teacher Nancy, because none of us wanted to go to the mall today.

    Day 375 Overall, Day 303 PMO Free

    Lessons learned this past week:

    •Dwelling on negativity and being in your head makes you feel like doing nothing
    •Don't try to do everything at once
    •If you "just do it", you'll forget about your bad feelings, at least for the moment
    •No matter how bad you feel, keep moving forward, both literally and figuratively.

    I thought about trying to do every AA drill at once, anxiety went up, I panicked, lost focus.. Couldn't even walk up to a girl and ask for the time... I felt a little bad about myself, but then, I decided to stop being hard on myself, and just know I probably can't do all four drills at once.. I cannot do a drill if I'm not calm..

    "The world ain't all sunshine and rainbows. It's a very mean and nasty place, and I don't care how tough you are, it will beat you to your knees an keep you there permanently, if you let it. You, me, or nobody is gonna hit as hard as life. But it ain't about how hard you hit. It's about how hard you can get hit, and keep moving forward; how much you can take, and keep moving forward. That's how winning is done! Now, if you know what you're worth, then go out and get what you're worth. But you gotta be willing to take the hits, and not pointing fingers saying you ain't where you wanna be because of him, her, or anybody. Cowards do that and that ain't you! You're better than that!" - Rocky Balboa

    Day 376 Overall, 304 Days PMO Free

    I decided, I need to get over the Internet withdrawal before I can resume my AA drills. I can't do the drills if I'm going through an addiction withdrawal. This is not an excuse, this is not even anxiety related; this is reality. And I can't force myself to do more than one thing at a time.

    And another lesson I learned today: life is no fun when you're constantly thinking about your goals, like beating approach anxiety, or getting laid. Not fun at all! Quite frankly, I got sick and tired of thinking about that shit. I need to get my brain together before I'm ready to proceed.
     
  8. rcfergie5

    rcfergie5 Guest

    Re: Bringing Anxiety to it's Knees; A Golden Life Waiting to Happen

    Day 378 Overall, Day 306 PMO Free

    Internet withdrawal was a bitch at first, along with abstaining from MO, but finally I've been able to go a week without fucking my hand, and the fact that I spent 10 days offline easier than I thought! To tell you the truth, I'm still healing, so for safety'a sake, I'll only be here once a month unless it's the holidays or my birthday (August 10), or even when I'm just doing it to fill a job application. It was great being here everyday, but some changes needed to be done. Thanks for all the support, bros. Peace out.
     
  9. rcfergie5

    rcfergie5 Guest

    Re: Bringing Anxiety to it's Knees; A Golden Life Waiting to Happen

    Update: because of our financial difficulties, and the fact Tiffany's car stopped when she was driving her friends to Big Bear over a week ago, and now that she let a friend of hers take it apart, there's 5000-7000 dollars we got to pay just for the vehicle damage! Nope, nothing in my family has changed a bit. Nothing. In fact, I think we're getting worse...

    And on top of that, I got mad because my mom only got two dollars today and she gave one dollar to me and Tyler, when I deserved more than two dollars a day. Shitty money, shitty attitude. Who would take a dollar for one day.. Seriously.

    My mom just doesn't know how to calm us children down when we are having problems; she only knows how to argue with us, making them worse... If I don't like my situation anymore, why don't I just get a job? Oh wait, the economy!
     
  10. rcfergie5

    rcfergie5 Guest

    Re: Bringing Anxiety to it's Knees; A Golden Life Waiting to Happen

    I've considered getting a job, this time.. I don't know exactly where to work, except Ralph's, perhaps. The family's financial life sucks, and I need to stay out of the house, for the most part.

    I was rude to some of my friends, including Selene, out of the blue, and that hurt me more than it hurt them.. But I apologized. And to be honest, this was the second time I felt like crying since last Thursday, where I didn't even want to go to yoga.
     
  11. rcfergie5

    rcfergie5 Guest

    Re: Bringing Anxiety to it's Knees; A Golden Life Waiting to Happen

    Update: I went to yoga today, even went back to weight training after two weeks, but this time I started off light. I plan on doing the 5x5 program on exercises, like curls, bench presses (flat, incline, close grips), barbell rows, pull ups, what not. I did lift a lot of weight on the shoulder press machine though, and put up 235lbs (and I'm around 230!)

    I feel better, for now. I'm honestly gonna miss you guys and being online everyday, talking to you guys, checking in, and whatnot, but near complete abstience will help me stabalize myself emotionally and mentally, maybe even physically.

    As for porn, masturbation and possibly even caffeine, abstinence is permanent, so I don't have to worry about any of them. And I will be online when it's that time for me.
     
  12. gameover

    gameover Age: 26

    Re: Bringing Anxiety to it's Knees; A Golden Life Waiting to Happen

    You finding masturbating is effecting your erections and mood?
     
  13. rcfergie5

    rcfergie5 Guest

    Re: Bringing Anxiety to it's Knees; A Golden Life Waiting to Happen

    sorry for the belated reply.. I decided I can't just be online once a month, either, too long to be offline.. I can take about a week or two before I start to miss you guys haha

    plus, the problem was I was pressuring myself to abstain from MO for a long period of time, that's what affected my mood, which may have affected my erections as well, due to anxiety... Now I MO every couple days, and when I need to.

    Also, I decided to forget about the hooker thing, as well, and just focus on getting a job, because I've been applying for them, lately. And I did my research on people behavior in locations like Orange County and Las Vegas, and some places are conservative (Orange County, which is also Republican and religious), while others are liberal (Las Vegas), and I'm a liberal. I live in Aliso Viejo, California, and as a part of Orange County, almost all the people, here are conservative, Republican and religious, which means they value tradition and are complacent on that part. That's why in my experience, the girls don't chase after me or hit on me, so if you're looking for those kinds of girls, you may want to find a liberal city. Plus my current residence isn't all that great, for while some are just marvelous people, others are uptight, snooty, stuckup assholes.
     
  14. tsmith1302

    tsmith1302 Active Member

    Re: Bringing Anxiety to it's Knees; A Golden Life Waiting to Happen

    I have the same approach. I find it works for me too.
     
  15. rcfergie5

    rcfergie5 Guest

    Re: Bringing Anxiety to it's Knees; A Golden Life Waiting to Happen

    Day 405, 333 Days PMO Free

    I just graduated from Adult Transition tonight, and I ate up that 3/4 pound Wendy's triple cheeseburger, fries and a sprite easily lol I'm also cutting back on alcohol, drinking only once in a while, from now on. Because although I got leaner everywhere, I put on extra fat on my tummy, and I do not want that to ruin my bodybuilding physique. I hear even just drinking 1 beer a day can add 15 pounds of fat in a year!

    Also, my good mood has returned, for the most part.
     
  16. rcfergie5

    rcfergie5 Guest

    Re: Bringing Anxiety to it's Knees; A Golden Life Waiting to Happen

    Day 407 Overall, Day 335 PMO Free

    Exactly one month away from the full year, and my mood is getting better almost each day, and cutting alcohol really improved my physique already, and I've been doing more cardio this week, even after training my legs with supersets and sometimes even beyond that, not to mention most of my sessions are lasting an hour! It makes me feel really good about myself. Also, I've been getting thoughts and feelings where a lot of people are out to get me, lately. But I think now's the time to get back to talking to people. Fortunately I got a pizza party going on at noon, in the gym at Saddleback College, I paid for it about 6 days ago.

    Also, I saw a cute blond girl, wearing very short shorts, even saw that little wedgie there, and I got a good look for a solid few seconds haha But I'll only look at girls so often, at this point. I just wish they throw themselves at me, but too bad in this county, it seems not to be allowed for anyone to hit on one another. At least I'm living in a safe place, because I'm trying to replace my negative thoughts with more positive, productive ones. I graduated, so here's my chance to get back my positive life.

    I even had a couple of random girls poke me on Facebook recently. Must be a coincidence. But since I'm online, I don't think I should take the chance to contact them, I'm just not sure. If that's in real life, I'll probably take that chance, though.
     
  17. rcfergie5

    rcfergie5 Guest

    Re: Bringing Anxiety to it's Knees; A Golden Life Waiting to Happen

    Day 408 Overall, Day 336 PMO Free

    Yesterday, once again, I practically MO'd to provacutive pictures, and remembered how serious this addiction is, I didn't even feel like going to the gym to work out! Fortunately, I still had enough fire left in me to get off my back and just do it, and so after 75 minutes and 1,012 calories, I just forgot about it. And decided to go on the NoFap diet again, for my own benefit. If I can be disciplined on fitness, why not NoFap? Fapping only makes me feel better for one moment, anyway, and it leads me to peek at those images.
     
  18. Goon

    Goon Guest

    Re: Bringing Anxiety to it's Knees; A Golden Life Waiting to Happen

    Sir, it's a goddamn honor to be in your presence! 408/336 days boggles the mind!
     
  19. rcfergie5

    rcfergie5 Guest

    Re: Bringing Anxiety to it's Knees; A Golden Life Waiting to Happen

    I very much appreciate the comment pal :)
     
  20. rcfergie5

    rcfergie5 Guest

    Re: Bringing Anxiety to it's Knees; A Golden Life Waiting to Happen

    Day 409 Overall, Day 337 PMO Free

    I hadn't fapped for the last two days, and abstinence is a bitch, no matter how many times you've done it. I'm tempted to have an orgasm, but I know that's my addictive brain craving it, and it's not worth giving in to its power. So I'm trying to think of something non-sexual, and that feeling lessens, if not going away.

    At least cardio combined with bodybuilding is much more pleasurable in the long term. Just doing it to feel better about myself.. I've gained a lot of muscle while losing a lot of fat, I'm now 227lbs with 18 1/2" arms, compared to April 29, 2013, where I weighed 230lbs with 16 1/2" arms after a two week break from exercising (and before I switched from powerlifting to bodybuilding).
     

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