Determined to Live; Failure is not an Option

Discussion in 'Ages 20-24' started by rcfergie5, Jun 1, 2012.

  1. rcfergie5

    rcfergie5 Guest

    Hi, I'm Robert, I'm 20 year old caucasian male, brown hair buzz cut, blue eyes, 6'4" and 250lbs, pretty handsome, I had Asperger's Syndrome since I was 1 month from 3 years, I'm a virgin, I'm a weight lifter and a 3-year community college student.

    Anyway, my porn habit started out of curiosity by looking up naked pictures of women on Google, at age 9-10. So, I started getting into the habit of looking at those pics, including pics of naked anime girls, even discovered hardcore porn at 13-14. I'd been caught by my parents many times, even while I was masturbating to nude pictures near them. Now regarding the MO, I started masturbating at 12 by grinding my penis with a towel until I ejaculated (I've even came when I played a video game controller repeatedly and fastly pressing the buttons, against my crotch before then) I really began making a habit out of jerking off since, and my porn habit got worse as the years went, then so did my masturbation habit (see the correlation there?). I always "vowed" to my parents when they caught me again and realized I delete browsing history so that I think they wouldn't know I looked at porn, and I would constantly get paranoid when they were standing behind me while I'm on the computer, asking me if they can see the history and I would try to lie my way out of it, but I was a terrible liar lol.

    Anyway, little did I know, my libido (i was always horny even when I was a child lol) was slowly diminishing the older I got, even when I was in high school, I couldn't even get aroused looking at a girl's round ass or hugging girls like I used to, in fact, about 6 months ago, that one day I went to go watch an amatuer sex video on my ipod (which i got about 2 years ago) and I attempted to jerk off, when I noticed, I couldn't even get semi hard manually stimulating myself while watching! Couldn't do a thing.. Made me realize, I had only been able to cum before I got hard for a pretty long time, before that happened. It was really bad, depressing even. I was at my worst case of ED!

    I took 10 days off (which is the personal best record) porn and also caffeine, then I discovered that L-Arginine helps with erectile dysfunction. It got better since I started taking the pills (and was able to cum while being hard again) but they were not helping the problem, they were only masking the problem. I got to the point where I fully accepted the fact PMO will always be a part of my life and was able to cope with my usually negative and pessimistic attitude, which I improved to an extent.

    I didn't exactly have bad social skills or no confidence, but it was much less than it rightfully should've been. I wondered why I was shy, unable/rarely able to get a girlfriend (couldn't hold onto a relationship for long though, didn't think they were "right for me"), why I was depressed most of the time, mean, why I didn't like myself, lasted 5 more months after I discovered the ED, almost 8 weeks ago, I finally did some research after I again realized I still couldn't get it up even looking at porn without jerking off, wanted to see if porn really was causing the ED that I even noticed, then I discovered YourBrainOnPorn.com, and confirmed that not only porn was the problem, but my chronic masturbation!

    That's when I no longer denied it, I struggled during this journey, lasting 2-3 days on average before each reset, managed to last 9 days porn free twice (one of those times was actually 9 days PMO free), and eventually the addictions got weak, and that time I actually began realizing my appreciation of real women, and life in general.

    Looking back, my habits really getting bad when I first got my iPod, and I could more easily masturbate while watching porn privately, I even masturbated to BBWs and SSBBWs, lesbian sex and farting fetish videos. Never got into Tranny, gay, or sex with animals or feces porn, though, although I did see the 2 Girls & 1 Cup and 2 Guys & 1 Horse videos. Both were bad.. Never watch.

    I see now how messed up my life was on my porn days.. Never again. It has been over a week since my last relapse, and I knew I had to get rid of all the nude pictures I had, all the bookmarks and all the history, before I screwed up again... And I hadn't looked back since. In the past, (little did I know) whenever I stayed away from porn, I'd get back my ability to get a little erection, even though I was still masturbating constantly (been off and on porn those times) Eventually, I was convinced, that I will never watch porn again, rarely masturbate, and only wait to get laid, and do just that only, for the orgasm.

    Now for the good news, and once again, I've been appreciating women, and people in general, becoming less self-centered and more caring, my social skills better (and pushing me to farther improve that skill), anger, depression, anxiety and boredom practically disappeared, improved physical performance (I can grab the basketball hoop with one hand when I run to it and jump, due to heightened testosterone resulted from abstinence, I'd believe. Pre-reboot, I could sometimes touch it), better muscular build, voice is a little deeper (both also due to heightened testosterone), I improved my confidence and self esteem, which is the key to attracting ladies and being treated better by them and people in general lol

    I know I'm not out of the woods yet, in fact, I'm far from that point, I've been reading a lot of posts regarding rebooting/recovering from porn addiction here and there, and I know those posts encourage me to keep going. Thanks for taking the time to read this post!
     
  2. rcfergie5

    rcfergie5 Guest

    Re: Incredibly interesting journey

    Days 1-8: My libido was lacking and I was experiencing highs and lows and mood swings

    Day 9: Today I was randomly getting a little semi-erection without even thinking about anything, except I felt urges to masturbate, but I managed to resist it, I know from experience during my recent struggle with the porn addiction, if I masturbated, I'd have to look at nude pics to masturbate again, therefore I just relapse. Pretty vicious cycle.
     
  3. rcfergie5

    rcfergie5 Guest

    Re: Incredibly interesting journey

    Day 10: Warning: This might cause triggers... Reader discretion is advised. I had a dream last night, masturbating to a naked chick stripping herself, then I came all over my face, then I woke up, thank God that was a dream haha.

    I seriously could've sworn I had a wet dream. Then again, it's only been 10 days no PMO, so too premature to assume lol. No libido or desire for women at all. I'm still not feeling much anxiety though. So this flatline stage is a mixed bag.
     
  4. Natsuki

    Natsuki Failure is success if we learn from it.

    Re: Incredibly interesting journey

    Hello and welcome to the site! :)

    It's great that you are seeing progress already even at day 10 before you first signed up. I had a bunch of sexual dreams the first week or two. Hentai is a more popular porn category than I originally thought. I'd estimate about 1/3 of the journals I have read have mentioned it. (It became my biggest problem.)

    Keep up the great work! Also, thank you for your comment on my journal too.

    Best wishes,
    Natsuki
     
  5. Azrael

    Azrael Guest

    Re: Incredibly interesting journey

    What influence do you believe this has had on you and your porn addiction?

    Also, how addicted were you to caffeine, and how easy was it to stop consuming it? I could swear that at times, I've been more addicted to soda and energy drinks than I have been to porn :p
     
  6. rcfergie5

    rcfergie5 Guest

    Re: Incredibly interesting journey

    Yeah, it was easier for me to be less addicted to caffeine once I cut porn, which means I'm now drinking caffeine 3-4 days a week, instead of 7 days a week haha anyway, I believe with autism, it's easier for you to get addicted to porn, and harder for you to find a way out of the addiction, not to mention both those things together affect your social skills and your self-esteem. Well, I've actually overcome Asperger's before I recently overcame porn, so my social life is changing for the best.
     
  7. rcfergie5

    rcfergie5 Guest

    Re: Incredibly interesting journey


    I have seen some hentai porn myself, though I was mainly watching straight porn, and sometimes lesbian porn. But mostly straight porn.

    And thanks so much for everything!
     
  8. rcfergie5

    rcfergie5 Guest

    Re: Incredibly interesting journey

    Day 11-13: Not much to report, still having some ups and downs, especially with my confidence. One minute, I get self-conscious about people knowing I'm not confident (eye contact is hard to make), the next minute, my confidence just comes out of nowhere. It's weird.. ::) Also, yesterday I watched a booty shaking video (no nudity) on Youtube, and I was tempted to jerk myself off, but thankfully I didn't, otherwise if I was done jerking off, that would've lead me to look at nude pics/porn to masturbate again, which means a full on relapse, so after I was done watching, I told myself, "Get the fuck out of there". Thankfully my libido was still too low, because I still can't get an erection watching videos like that. Which draws me to the conclusion, that I should definitely avoid watching those videos.
     
  9. rcfergie5

    rcfergie5 Guest

    Re: Incredibly interesting journey

    Day 14: Confidence has suddenly gotten much better. Almost no worries, no self-defeating thoughts, no negativity. Libido is still pretty low, but even that is slightly better. I was flirting with a young female cashier at Ralph's while I was buying a couple energy drinks a bit, it felt awesome. I was also making my bed, cleaning my room and doing dishes to consume time before I went out across the street. I'm also working planning on doing social activities with some friends, so I can consume even more time.

    Update: Hours after I went to Ralph's, and right after I left the library, I went to the Vitamin Shoppe to buy a pack of Emergen-C, and I was flirting with a couple more young female employees there, especially with one of them. Both times I flirted, I could feel this little sexual energy inside me. It was awesome. I can't wait to see how tomorrow goes.
     
  10. rcfergie5

    rcfergie5 Guest

    Re: Incredibly interesting journey

    Day 15: feeling slightly shitty but still confident. Last night I saw a "Bombshell Butt Workout" video on Youtube, featured a very good looking lady who turns out to have done porn, I am not mentioning the name of her since I just mentioned that, I looked up a nude picture of her, took a quick look, then immediately got away and deleted the history before I MO'd. Now, it's only a slip rather than a full relapse, so I won't set it to day 0. But I think I'm more tempted now to look it up again and MO, probably the chaser effect. But I'm still resisting, no matter how long the chaser effect will last.

    Keep in mind, out of 59 days into the reboot, I managed to last a total of 49 days PMO free. Which explains now I can manage to get a semi erection fantasizing about a real women with my eyes closed, just like last night. Hopefully this chaser effect goes away ASAP.
     
  11. rcfergie5

    rcfergie5 Guest

    Re: Incredibly interesting journey

    I relapsed twice, MOing to porn pics. And now I feel like shit, depressed, unmotivated, irritable, insecure, don't feel like talking to anybody or looking them in the eye. I even feel physically weaker, less energy in me now.

    It's probably good I just observed very closely for myself. Because now I'm restarting g the no-PMO thing tomorrow, which will be easy because I won't be listening to music online, using the Internet and drinking caffeine on the same day. My triggers should easily be resistable, and I expect a flatline period then.
     
  12. Antinoüs

    Antinoüs New Member

    Re: Incredibly interesting journey

    Don't feel discouraged, every little bit will help in the long run. You just need to get rid of temptation and avoid your triggers altogether. You might want to start a new Youtube Account. I don't know how you stumbled upon that workout video, but clearly, it was a slippery slope from there. Maybe it was in the suggested videos? I know I stopped using the youtube account I was using for porn related purposes because the videos it would suggest would be far too tempting (thinking about them right now, I have to force myself not to take a look).
    As for the lack of energy, I would urge you to get out and empty your mind. Maybe go see a stupid action movie, something to make you forget about everything. You don't need social interaction if you don't want it just now. Just force yourself to get out. It will really help. Hope it gets better soon. It will eventually!
     
  13. rcfergie5

    rcfergie5 Guest

    Re: Incredibly interesting journey


    Even on YouTube i'll just avoid looking at those videos, and yes it was in the suggested video... A friend of mine knew who the chick was and that's why I looked her up, and I think now I remember her on my PMO days... I'm definitely gonna avoid all the triggers altogether. Too much trouble. Thanks man
     
  14. rcfergie5

    rcfergie5 Guest

    Re: Incredibly interesting journey

    Once again, I relapsed to PMO after the 4-day streak, another relapse before that streak, happened after only 2 days, after my last post, unfortunately, that also means I relapsed to the Internet itself. During the challenge though, I came to the conclusion that Internet addiction lead me to my PMO addiction. I also relapsed to the caffeine addiction. So I'm definitely keeping my caffeine consumption low after this, and spending only a total of 2-3 hours online, a day, rather than spend all day online, everyday.

    I'm not beating myself over this relapse, though. This relapse happened to be an experiment, to confirm that Internet addiction and Internet porn addiction go hand to hand for me. Well, correlation between the two confirmed.

    Also, yesterday I was able to get a slight erection, and then two semis afterwards, with only my imagination. It was awesome. That was all due to spending 6 days not using the Internet (for entertainment, except for checking in on Facebook), listening to music on my iPod and drinking caffeine, all while also avoiding PMO most of the time, all which improved my dopamine levels, which explained my ability to get it up a little with no touching my penis. So, that's also why I'm using the Internet for only a few hours a day, keeping the music volume down, keeping my caffeine intake under full control.

    I'm still going to beat my 15 day streak, then make it to two months. I just must make a goal to not PMO, one day at a time. And I must remember how I feel after every relapse.
     
  15. rcfergie5

    rcfergie5 Guest

    Re: Incredibly interesting journey

    Also, I'm calling PMO my vampire that lives inside of me, because that litterally sucks the life energy right out of you, and it attacks you every time you relapse..

    I can't even look at a non-nude picture if it turns me on.
     
  16. rcfergie5

    rcfergie5 Guest

    Re: Incredibly interesting journey

    Day 65 Reboot: Last night after the PMOs, I somehow still managed to get a semi-erection with my imagination, then I fell asleep, while still trapping the urges that allow artificial sexual stimuli to turn me on in my brain, so I can allow myself to control them permanently, keeping commitment to not being turned on by any artificial sexual stimuli whatsoever, and today my confidence is affected, but only very slightly, I still know that I can completely break this addiction. I'm in groups with some friends on Facebook, we're all weightlifters, unfortunately for me, all 3 of them look at porn, softcore especially, and post nude pictures that could turn me on, which is a very real potential danger for me, as much as I "love" porn and masturbation, so it's within my best interest I go to groups that may contain those images, once or twice a week, and should I (accidentally) see them, I'll have a quick look, think of them as something that doesn't arouse me (that part, I know will work), and move on. Other than that, I will be able to avoid all my triggers at all times.

    Update: Second day in a row, of relapsing.. However, I managed to put SafeSearch on my Yahoo/Flickr and Google accounts, and remove myself from groups that contain any artificial stimuli (like pics and videos) on Facebook. Hopefully that'll be enough to help me avoid triggers for good. Keep in mind I don't look at porn on computers, when I relapse, I use my iPod touch, so I have to keep an eye on how I use my iPod at all times. Thanks for the support guys.
     
  17. rcfergie5

    rcfergie5 Guest

    Re: Incredibly interesting journey

    Day 67/Day 2: I'm not feeling as shitty as I was yesterday, even though I saw some zoosexual images (made me think of the two guys and the horse), I subconsiously searched the video on Youtube, I actually saw the actual video on there, this time I couldn't bear to watch the whole thing but a few seconds of the sex. That's what reminded me to not watch beastiality (which I was never really into anyways) videos when I felt tempted (after seeing the pictures), and I realized, the more extreme the porn, the higher the superstimuli, the higher the dopamine hit, and not only would I have relapsed, but I would've depressed myself even more than I was yesterday. Especially since I am no longer PMOing anyways. Oh yeah, and I was tempted to watch the kids in the sandbox after I saw some reaction videos on Youtube, and I'm glad I didn't watch that video, just reading about it and even seeing a picture pains me! So, yeah. No PMO relapse here. I'm not even gonna think about browsing them as of today.

    It's time I really take my sexual energy away from PMO, and use it to improve my social skills, and meet women.
     
  18. rcfergie5

    rcfergie5 Guest

    Re: Incredibly interesting journey

    It's only been day 3 of no PMO already, and I (already) feel much better than I was on day 1. In all honesty, I also have been realizing more and more, I have some friends who I don't even seem to care that much about, other friends that don't seem to care that much about me. I go to Adult Transition Program, a school for disabled students aged 18-22, and most of them in my class are not very sociable, or at least ambitious, compared to me. Some of them even bore me (some have voices that make me turn my face away even slightly, and others don't seem enthusiatic, so I just avoid talking to them most of the time, few have attitudes that could be a little better) and the girls in the school I've texted, I notice that the only time they ever text me is when I do. Maybe it's partly my fault I didn't build meaningful relationships or even friendships with them in the first place, but I do realize at the time I was addicted to PMO, I didn't know any better. But anyway, I tried asking them if they wanted to hang out with me as a friend, but they either have a job, spend time with the family, go visit Mexico or wherever, or they'd say yes, but only in groups, rather than one on one. But even when they say, they would hang out with me, they'd never let me know when. Even when I set the time and date, when the time comes, they somehow manage to come up with some excuse to not hang out with me the moment I bring it up, like, "I am spending time with my family", which may partly be true, but other than that, they're really hanging out with their friends and each other. They may try to be nice but apparently, they're not as much my friends as I thought they should be. I'm not an idiot, after all.

    Sometimes I feel like nobody ever invites me to anything, even when I've been invited many times, but I always seemed to use excuses, like, "I'm just too lazy or too busy" to come. It seems no matter what I say or what I do, I never hang out with anybody. I'm beginning to think my quality friends/partners would only be the ones outside my school (adult transition), even though I can try to build up some quality relationships or even friendships with some people in the school. If I can't build up the quality of relationships of any kind whatsoever I might draw the line. Because although they still look at me the same, the only difference between my PMO self and the me I am now, is that I have a positive attitude and believe in myself and enjoy myself now. And I'm willing to ditch anything if it doesn't work out. I know I can always build newer, better ones. Also, the staff members seem more enthusiastic to see me than most of the students.
     
  19. Champion

    Champion Back To Settle Unfinished Business

    Re: Incredibly interesting journey

    Hi rcfergie5,

    You're doing good man, just keep at it!

    If I may share some advice, try to take an active approach to your addiction. It's not just about not PMO-ing, it's also about what you do instead. Think about what triggers you and then avoid those situations. Writing it all down helps. Also try to spend your time on fulfilling activities, like working out, writing, making music, things like that. Socializing too. Things get better and easier with time.

    Let's do this dude!
     
  20. rcfergie5

    rcfergie5 Guest

    Re: Incredibly interesting journey

    Thanks Champ. Funny you mentioned working out, I happened to weight lift, myself haha. Boredom is definitely one of my triggers, and I have to avoid that at all times. So I'm definitely gonna do anything I decide to do, in order to not be bored. Thanks for reminding me, man.
     

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