Deshi basara: my journey out of the pit

Discussion in 'Ages 30-39' started by deshi_basara, Jan 26, 2021.

  1. deshi_basara

    deshi_basara Active Member

    I noticed recently that I've struggled to regulate some of those modestly risky behaviors. In particular, the urge to check people out in public -- I haven't done as well resisting that impulse over the past week or so. I think part of me is justifying it by pointing out that I've been experiencing some return to normalcy, especially in the sexual department with my wife.

    That being said, there are two reasons I'd like to curb this behavior. Firstly, I've discovered that it can be a slippery slope for me; at the very least, I've done a much better job keeping it under control over the past several months, and that has corresponded with one of my cleanest recoveries, in terms of mitigating the higher-risk behaviors and keeping intense cravings to a minimum. I believe there's a direct causal link, but even if there's not, I'd like to take the approach of "if it ain't broke, don't fix it." Secondly, I feel like I have always been the kind of guy that leers at women in an unsubtle way. I don't want to be that guy anymore, both out of respect for my wife, and also because I don't want to make those women feel uncomfortable.

    Maybe someday I won't have to worry about this so much; maybe the behavior won't carry the same risks for my addiction, and the occasional glance won't turn into indecent stares at every opportunity, but I haven't reached that point yet. I still have plenty of work to do, and that starts with policing myself in these instances.
  2. dark red drifter vessel

    dark red drifter vessel Well-Known Member

    More than ten years ago, I went to a gay bar with a neighbor of my family. She was a lesbian and wanted to show me the to her turf or something. I'm bi, so it kind of made sense. I must have been in my mid twenties. The patrons that night where mostly 40+, but some must have been way older. I was the only young dude there.

    Never in my life have I been leered at like I was leered at in that night. Openly, bluntly and with a dull desperation in their eyes, a desparations that knew there was no chance in hél I'd ever consider them, but they could not help but stare.

    That stare? You are wanted, except really anything is wanted, but what makes you you. You do not matter to that stare, it annihilates your person. It's your body thats of interest, and if your personality figures into the equation at any rate, then only as an obstacle that has to be negotiated out of the way so as to access the body.

    They came up to me that night, not all, but a whole fucking bunch of them. They asked for a lighter, if I wanted a drink, about the weather fuck do I know what. The words didn't matter, the question was: can I get you to be with me. And the answer was always no. But whenever I looked up, or turned my head, there was a host of seeking, staring eyes trying to catch my gaze.

    Even if I had been a sexually frustrated dude wanting attention (and that is what I was) there wasn't going to happen anything. Because these dudes while there words were respectful, there whole fucking treatment of me was not.

    You feel sort of hollowed out, stuck with a pin to a box in that mens mental wanking gallery. And you know it. And they know it. And its the least appealing, least sexy, least complimenting thing.

    I got just a one day trip to the country of being stared at by older men. It was fucking educational. And I have a shred of understanding now that this specific night in my life, where I had to wave off dudes like they where flies on a hot summers day, that being checked out constantly, leered at is how a lot of women get to live there fucking lifes.

    That gave me some perspective into male privilege. I had had no bloody idea.

    For me its one of the grand ironies of life that a man that wants you can be at times the least appealing thing in existance. When you see that dull, leering void behind their eyes.

    And funny thing, I've been there, of course. When we're in horny mode and you do NOT give a fuck and just want to jump somebody. In that moment, we're prone to loose all grace, subtlety, charm, appeal, manners.

    It is a shitshow. It is the quintessential, the culmination, the fucking meta conference of shitshows. Sadly. I'd like us better to be our nicest when we're horny. What a courageous fresh planet we'd live on. :3

    So yeah, that was a wall of text. I appreciate you wanting to stop looking at people that way and wanted to give some encouragement. (I have nothing against sad old gay people by the way, I fully intend to become one myself some day. Maybe not the sad part, if it can be helped.)

    Edit: I by the way feel that there's a way of looking at people that are of interest to you in a way that is not demeaning. There must be, cause most women seem to have it down, and a lot of men, too. I think it has to do with time, place, occasion and not drooling. Just maybe. :3
    Last edited: Apr 20, 2021
    deshi_basara and Pete McVries like this.
  3. deshi_basara

    deshi_basara Active Member

    Thanks for your insight, vessel. I've always felt ashamed after the fact, suspecting that it probably feels dehumanizing, and I've had female friends describe it that way before (about being leered at in general, not by me). But it's helpful to hear that confirmed from the male perspective too. For the record, I hope that I've always been a little more subtle than those guys you described, but that's beside the point.

    I also agree that there is an appropriate and respectful way to look; after all, it would be an overreaction to go through life with horse blinders on, and perhaps that's the distinguishing point. When I can occasionally glance without it turning into a creepy stare or an obvious neck-crane, and when I can appropriately moderate that without falling back into old patterns of leering at everything that moves, then maybe that's an indication that the addiction isn't in control of that behavior. The fact remains that I'd still like to minimize it out of respect for my wife, but of course there's a balance. It's not a cardinal sin, and once it's under control, I don't need to self-flagellate every time it occurs.
  4. dark red drifter vessel

    dark red drifter vessel Well-Known Member

    No no don't worry, I don't think you're that bad (cause DUDE they had not an ounce of restraint in their leerballs left :3).

    I have been the leer-o-matic myself, at times. I have looked at all kinds of people. Oo It's one of these things I saw from two of its sides (and understanding is a three edged sword). So I feel you are on a good path trying to better yourself, a commendable one.
  5. deshi_basara

    deshi_basara Active Member

    Thanks man, I appreciate it. That's what this whole journey is about - transforming into the best versions of ourselves.
  6. deshi_basara

    deshi_basara Active Member

    I MADE IT. 90 DAYS Y'ALL. Of course the journey doesn't end here, but it feels pretty damned good to hit this milestone.
  7. dark red drifter vessel

    dark red drifter vessel Well-Known Member

    Eyooooo! Congrats!
    deshi_basara likes this.
  8. deshi_basara

    deshi_basara Active Member

    I figured I'd take a moment to check in, since it's been about a week and a half. My plan had always been to post regularly on here for the first 90 days, and then switch to posting occasionally or as needed after that.

    That being said, everything has continued to go smoothly - no urges or struggles to speak of. Just a few days ago, my wife and I were watching a movie, and a very explicit sex scene came on with plenty of nudity. The main thought going through my mind was "this is excessive, I wish they'd move on already." In similar situations during the first 90 days (and during other reboots), I always felt like I was hanging on for dear life just trying to get through it, with an inevitable series of aftershocks that I had to ward off in the following hours and days. This time, it all felt rather ho-hum; I wasn't particularly into it, and I hadn't even thought about it again until just now (nor did I have cravings of any kind that could be linked to it).

    It makes such a huge difference when we do this thing the right way. Not just abstaining from the most obvious behaviors, but keeping in check those behaviors that fall all along the spectrum from high to low risk. I think the single biggest thing that held me back, for years and years, was my inability to keep fantasies in check. At some point during a reboot I would get the urge to fantasize, and inevitably I would eventually give in, allowing the addiction free reign over the projector screen in my mind. This kept the addiction alive and well, with enough power to keep up his assault in the coming days and months.

    During this reboot, I didn't let that happen. There were several separate incidents when he tried, but I rebuffed him at every attempt. During the toughest moments, I tried to completely drown out all thoughts by literally filling my mind with both visual and auditory white noise. After my first big success in defeating these fantasies, it became easier to handle every subsequent urge. I think the main difference between this reboot and others was posting regularly on this forum. During other reboots, there was no accountability: I didn't consider fantasizing to be a relapse, and I was inconsistent at best in reporting these incidents to my wife and therapist. By posting daily (for the most part) on here, I had committed to reporting every little detail, and the prospect of admitting that I had succumbed to these fantasies was enough of a deterrent to prevail.

    Anyway, I just want to thank everyone that has responded or liked my posts throughout these past several months. I can't tell you what a difference it has made to know I wasn't just screaming into the void - that there were others out there who identified with my struggle, and had their own unique perspectives to offer. And to anyone reading this that feels stuck in an inescapable prison, just know that I've been exactly where you are. It only feels inescapable because the addiction is a clever bastard that has convinced you of that. It's kind of like the proverbial elephant who has been tied to a stake since infancy; he's been convinced that he's trapped because that's all he's ever known, even though he's long since grown strong enough to break free. It won't necessarily be easy, but you too can tell the addiction to fuck off, and then finally snap that goddamned rope.
    TryGuy65, Babylonier, Shady and 2 others like this.
  9. Deleted User

    Deleted User Guest

    Hey man, how are you? Been a while since we heard about you. Hope you’re doing good, man.
    deshi_basara likes this.
  10. deshi_basara

    deshi_basara Active Member

    Hey Bilbo, I'm doing good man! Thanks for thinking of me. I've been meaning to check in, but you know how it goes -- life gets in the way. I just passed 5 months clean, and it has continued to be a pretty smooth ride. Occasional small bumps here and there, but nothing close to what I experienced in recoveries past.

    I'm definitely still on the mend in the PIED department; things are good with my wife, as long as we don't try to make it happen too frequently. I start to run out of steam if we go more than a few days in a row, and multiple times a day is definitely not happening yet. I'm hoping things will continue to get better there, but only time will tell.
  11. Deleted User

    Deleted User Guest

    Good news, man. I’m very happy for you. Things seem completely different for you than they were just a few months ago, it’s amazing. I remember your first posts, you weren’t telling the same story… Congratulations for your progress, man. Keep it up, and keep us posted.
    Last edited by a moderator: Jul 2, 2021
    Babylonier likes this.
  12. deshi_basara

    deshi_basara Active Member

    Hey everyone, I'm going to start posting more regularly on here again. I'll elaborate more in the coming days and weeks, but long story short, I've felt like I've been losing my grip ever so slightly. Nothing close to a relapse or anything; just the unwanted return of some low-risk behaviors (stuff like aggressively checking women out on the sidewalk, scrolling social media hoping for sexy photos, etc). I just want to get a bead on this thing before it grows any further.

    This is a pretty busy week at work, so my posts will probably be fairly short for a bit, and I might not post every day, but I promise to fill in more details soon.
    Deleted User likes this.
  13. badger

    badger Well-Known Member

    just one peek i say sometimes to my self. it won't hurt my progress if it is just one peek at a woman in lingerie or a short mini skirt. after all it's not pornhub. it's like eating a whole box of exlax and willing myself not to shit. my ramblings. take care
    deshi_basara likes this.
  14. dark red drifter vessel

    dark red drifter vessel Well-Known Member

    I love it. They indeed sent a poet! :3
  15. deshi_basara

    deshi_basara Active Member

    It took longer than I intended to post again, but things have been crazy busy here. I originally decided to do this because, as I alluded to in my last post, I have felt recently like I've been slowly losing my grip. I haven't fallen or anything, but I'd noticed some creep in terms of low-medium risk behaviors. Aggressively checking out ladies in yoga pants and/or sports bras, lingering on sexy ads... Even feeling the impulse to visualize pornographic scenes while having sex with my wife. I wasn't being fully honest with my therapist until last week, when I told him about all of this.

    And as I expounded, more examples began occurring to me. It's like I had vaguely noticed each of the individual instances, but it wasn't until I zoomed out and took stock that I noticed the pervasiveness of the problem. It's kind of like a cancer that has been subtly spreading over the past couple of months; my therapist agreed that I can still turn it around, but it requires aggressive treatment. And the most effective treatment for me is posting on here, putting it all out in the open. As the saying goes, daylight is the best disinfectant.

    While it took me a week to post again, the first post has already had a positive effect. I've been doing better about not giving myself whiplash when I see a jogger or something, though I've still had weak moments. I've also been better about not scrolling social media (again with some weak moments here and there). I did catch myself checking out someone's ass here at work today, and continued to look even after I recognized it, so I definitely have room for improvement. Hopefully with regular posting, I'll continue to do better.
    Deleted User likes this.
  16. deshi_basara

    deshi_basara Active Member

    Hey all, I've had an easier time keeping things under control recently. Posting on here (even just a couple of times) has reminded me that those little behaviors are not as benign as my addiction would have me believe. This has helped me notice those urges more quickly and resist them more easily.

    Today is a bigger challenge -- I'm working from home, all alone. I've definitely noticed a number of twinges, with the addiction trying to take advantage of the situation. So far I've been able to suppress those cravings, probably because I've been especially careful to avoid the low-risk behaviors today. For example, I got on social media earlier to burn a couple minutes, but I noticed that I was scrolling with the hope of seeing sexy content. I immediately shut that down -- I can't give even an inch to this thing given my vulnerable circumstances right now. I'm not about to jeopardize 7 months clean.
    Shady likes this.
  17. badger

    badger Well-Known Member

    it's the first car in the train that kills you, not the caboose
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