Delightfully delusional with a sense of a cold harsh reality

My focal goal in 2016 is putting on size, period, I must make it an obsession. In this current superficial competitive society, size matters, people especially insecure males will size you up. I never cared THAT much about size but rather enjoyed the fruits of being lean. But now I must, for protection, to look more masculine and to warn off potential conflicts. Looking to put in 10-15 kilos of muscles, that’s right muscle, whether I do it naturally or not I don’t care. Size, size and size.

 

I write this post in a state of unbridled bliss. Currently I’m in a great state of mind. And most importantly happy and very optimistic about the future after accepting the past.

It has been quite an odd journey with many ups and down. Starting to understand the delusional of this modern society fully, my current positioning and my grand plan to escape this modern jail with my pride, dignity and honour intact. This extreme capitalistic vain superficial society has taken a toll on many and I don’t want to be another victim, I want out but at the same time using it to benefit and better myself.

When it comes to my sexuality, starting to understand why issue with porn, escorts and women. Living under females and having shame associated to my sexuality caused numerous misunderstanding in my life especially relationships with women. Never having a masculine role model caused me years of heartache as I was ashamed to be direct and assertive with women regarding my sexual desires which caused numerous women to assume I was gay. So many women and pussy thrown at year yet I never enjoyed my sexual life. But now anymore, I want women, sex and the constant battle between the sexes, I want the high of highs and the low of lows.

Life. Life is abundant and scarcity is a state of mind. There’s no shortage of women, food, money and happiness. As a male, my happiness and resources I have is all depend on me, I must go out and get what I want, no one will do it for me, sure, some will help but definitely it up to me to make moves to obtain what I want and desire.

Physically I nearly reached my prime, and have understood the untoll damage PMOing done to my body. After all my researching, without a doubt PMOing during my development period and even before it, caused couple inches in height, a larger frame but surprisingly didn’t stop the development of my sexual apparatus(I ain’t bragging just acknowledging)

The importance and power of semen retention. I always knew the power and potency of semen even in the heights of my PMO days but now I truly understand the impact ejaculation has on the body. Seriously, one nut bust, makes me weak, exhausted, increases social anxiety and effects my cognitive abilities for 2-3 days, the more I bust in a short timespan the longer the impact. Obviously I still want to bust nut but it will be only in a woman’s mouth, on her face or inside her lol

Health, I have nearly solved all my health issues and well informed about diet and the effects of modern foods on my health. On top of that also become well acquainted on how to dress well, haircut that suits on, beard cut to suit facial aesthetics and the ability to attract women. I know how to make my skin super clear and glowing, teeth super white, hair thick and long and body lean and muscular. Took me years to understand the balance of the body but now kinda have mastered it. Just have to put it together to obtain the look I want. Oh, it definitely isn’t for women really, loving waking up in the morning looking healthy, keep work healthy.

All and all, all is well and hopefully will get better, bring it, god bless.

 

It has been 3 weeks and only one relapse and I am feeling absolutely great. Sexually very certain I’m over my ED and near cured my PE. I want this streak of happiness to continue. So I want to finish this month off with a solid bang.

No sugar, no wheat, clean organic healthy food, supplements, lifting, semen retention and looks ways to improve career and job prospects whilst increasing my social life. Oh yea, will spend couple hundreds this week to spoil myself with clothes and things to improve my quality of living. Can’t wait

 

Unfortunately there was no food home today, and I ordered a large pizza and chocolate mousse. Will feels the effects of the sugar tomorrow morning with a weaken immune system, block nasal, poor sleep, indigestion and throat full of mucus. It looks like I need to learn to cook more and stop god damn relying on my mother. She always insists to cook but it has left me feeling helpless when it comes to cooking. I need to be my own man now.

 

I feel ridiculously amazing. Full of energy, physically doing well and never been health as this before. I have resolved majority if not all my health issues, only need to improve my sleep and I will FINALLY be operating at 100%. I understand the power of nutrition, exercise, sunlight, supplementation and positive thinking. Now I truly believe I can attack my life issues at 100% now and start seeing real results.

Yes, I’m 27 and I am NOWHERE near where I wanted to be. Porn addiction, lifestyle choices, procrastination, internet addiction has caused me immense damage and stunted my physical, social and mental development as a male. But along this journey I have learnt a lot about life, economics, women, health and religion. No longer have a serious interest in sports, modern TV/Media, thank the lord for the internet in a way, taught me so much and helped me escape this mind numbing media. Just need to avoid some forums, facebook and all that social media rubbish.

Oh I haven’t even mentioned this is the longest I have ever went without porn, 3 weeks and a couple of days, I think I might have entered a flatline but honestly I don’t care, I’m more focused on life and what it has to offer. Obsessed now with knowledge, history and being the patriarchy of my family. I’m ready to lead and take charge of everything, make moves but move silent.

 

Relapsed, first time in 3 weeks. I won’t be crying over it, as one failed relapse won’t undo the damage for 3 weeks. Right back on the track of self-development. Note, will make a more in-depth post about self-development/improvement soon.

 

Made, again, that book No More Mr Nice Guy hit some cold hard truths.

Starting to realize or fully understand actually the damage of living under a single mother household, no male role models along with living with just sisters. This is how I turned out, from 14-now, female relatives and female teachers crushed my thirst for life, masculinity, independence, looked to appease women TOO MUCH, null my aggression and assertiveness and increase self-doubt and anxiety. Pre-14 I was a beast, my thirst for life was unquestionable, I feared no man, didn’t think anything was outside my capabilities and was ruthless in a position way. Puberty hit, lead by females created a toxic mix which created a manchild who was afraid to pursuit the life he wants, the sex he wants and the women he wants. Years sadly wasted, relationship burned due to my feminine behaviour. The amount of people I pedestaled, never making decisions, afraid of consequences really damaged my life, I CANNOT underestimate this, so painful, acted like a woman nearly all my life.

Even now, observing my sisters, I see the real difference between man and women and the difference of capabilities each sexes have, men have a much higher ceiling, simply because of testoestrone, god's gift to man, the poor diet, chronic PMO, poor sleep destroyed that on the side as well. Sigh, definitely didn't reach my physical potential as well.

 

Just want to say, I have so much to learn, life is exciting and amazing.

 

Unstable is BACK.

Wow. Guys I have never felt better before in my method. I basically solved all my health issues, now I know what I cannot and can eat and how food, arguably the most powerful substance in the world affects me physically and mentally. I’m physically bigger than ever before, have built quality lean muscle, skin is glowing and hair is thicker than ever and hairline is on point. Years of turmoil and illness finally defeated. And oddly enough if it wasn’t for my porn and internet addiction which kicked off my health crusade I wouldn’t been this health. Now with a better understanding of my body; I’m ready to take on the world. I’m happier than ever before.
Semen retention and Intermittment fasting/Fasting with a high fat diet will or has turned me into the beast I always wanted to be and look like. The power of testosterone is magical and truly god’s gift to men and I haven’t even discussed human growth hormone which is mainly activated during fasting. Over the course of my life journey I have definitely become more religious and truly believe these a god, a good god. I honestly feel like I have unlocked my true hidden men and physical potential.
Just need to fix some minor issues like braces and tooth implant, get back to rigorous saving lifestyle and learn and explore more than ever before. Oh, finally gonna start kick boxing and MMA,
I want power, strength, knowledge, happiness, health, longevity and happiness,

Turning 28 soon, never looked better, my 30s will god willing, be my defining decade, more excited about the future than ever before

 

Now today was a productive day, woke up early, went to gym, came home later and went to MMA class. And my lord, how empowering is learning to fight and put on muscle, it literally changes your mindset. This is what I always wanted as a child, empowerment, masculinity and power. Living under matriarchy killed this thirst. It’s too late to write about this now. Will do it first thing tomorrow morning.

 

Here is some of my deepest thoughts while I just started a 72 hr fast

I love my dearest mother but it seems she has only 10 to 15 years left. She just refuses to change her diet. I plead with her to remove refined sugars and hydrogenated oils from her diet but she just cannot. She has been culturally socialised to eat this bad diet which has been giving her severe health effects. She has early signs of diabetes and health disease but still stubborn to change. I have given up, all I will do now is enjoy the remaining years with her.

Looking back now and understanding my childhood. I realized I didn’t have a great childhood as I thought I did. Living around a single mom and all sisters blunted my mental, emotional, intellectual and physical development in all aspects and I pay for them as a man in his 20s for way behind his peers and never reached his near potential. My childhood started well, a young child full of energy, happiness and hungry, this is observable through my early photos, a child in a bliss state. As I aged, I became quite resentful of my mother, I remember I use write letters and on the wall for my distain for her. I felt then as I young boy, I wasn’t allowed to thrive, constantly ridiculed, negative taunts and wasn’t ever allowed to express my masculinity. Teacher told my mother, Unstable has a gift in football/soccer but she never took me. Years later, people told I should have become a professional and I remember kids at school at the year end when we went to different schools; telling they can’t wait to see me being a professional. And honestly I was definitely good enough. I was never taught how to fight, how to court women, how to do business, how take care of my health and enjoy this world. Always under the thumb of elder sisters and my mom. I love her still but women can never raise a man properly, majority not all the time, the male child turns out terrible. And I won’t go there but I definitely suspect I might have been sexually abused by older boys; my mom’s tongue split out about this once and I remember telling her I can’t remember something happening to me. Something happened, and I starting to believe I’m repressing some moments about this occurring. Maybe some acid, LSD, Weed or other psychedelic drugs to relive the trauma or to convert it.

Also majority of my teachers from primary school and high school were females and they taught us nothing and didn’t understand the nature behaviour of young boys. From puberty to high school I got progressively worst, PMO along with female teachers I crashed and burned by final year of high school and was a dead PMOing zombie with major health issues dropping out and failing university.

I chronically underdeveloped. Height wise I’m average and health wise fine now but as child I was underdeveloped. And the root cause was my diet high in refined sugars, gluten, processed food, pasteurized milk aka poison and nowhere near enough vegetables and quality red meats and lean meats. Here what I unfortunately have to deal with, small frame because of sugars, slight overbite, one tooth extraction which has caused uneven face and slight sunken face, bags under eyes all my life, constant blocked noise and weirdly built body. In real life you won’t notice most of this but I’m a perfection and honestly I have and can fixed most things. Just need tooth implant, better sleep, zero PMO, zero processed food, fasting to cleanse and clear body and muscles to put on frame to cover the small frame, naturally or nature. This is why I’m obsessed with health, diet, fitness, performance and bodybuilding, I have been put in a weaker position but now I want to take my physical performance to the next level and have health aesthetic well developed children.

I have finally accepted we live in a tremendously sick corrupt world. Like life itself isn’t bad but this capitalism and government control is pure slavery; nothing more and nothing less. The people are subjugated and don’t understand how bad they have and how worse it is going to get. We are constantly told lies; especially when it comes to health and lifestyle. The modern media won’t even touch on government control and the banking system and the realities of money. Nearly all their health recommendations are wrong. They food pyramid is completely wrong, grains/carbs/gluten are preposterously bad for you, masturbation will blunt your physical development, cause acne, cause hairloss, make you depressed, anxious, weak and cowardly. Fasting is the greatest health protocol known to man. And this modern medicine will just cover up the symptoms and cause but never address lifestyle, nutrition, sleep and mental and physical environment especially with all these toxins around. And the topic of soil depletion hasn’t EVER been addressed in this world, only few speak upon it.

Here’s my thoughts with women and my lifetime experience with women. Women adore men, they love men, and their life is all about men. They want a man to court them aggressively, and they will do the exact same if needed, they want to be dominated sexually and emotionally. Women act like they are independent but love the domination that a man offers. But they want men. Women have a strong distain for men beneath them because men should be “superior”, use that word loosely, than women. Women will always want the man to be the prize whilst she acts like the prize. Women love men who are self-centric, narcissist who love themselves and life more than they like women. They love daring men, men who speak their thoughts, challenge the status quo, going getters and who have a zest for life. They hate men who worship them, men who constantly speak well of them disgust them because they want to be bad in the presence of a masculine man; see I used the word masculine man not the dirty word known as the alpha male online. They just want you to be a man in all aspects basically. Physically strong with a rock solid muscular body whether lean or big doesn’t matter, WOMEN LOVE MUSCLE, don’t let anyone else tell you otherwise and I obviously mean lean rock solid muscle not bloated muscles. Men naturally have thicker skins, hair, age better and are more vibrant hence why they love men who are narcissist because women secretly are jealous of the male’s aesthetics and testosterone. Anytime I became looked obsessed and love myself to the max, women literally flocked towards me. Also women want to please you, want you to smash them and use them as sex object (In a good way obviously) and allow them to show their wild side without being felt guilty. Don’t get it twisted, if you want women, become self-centric, looked obsessed and approach them in a masculine manner with a direct approach with your goals and intentions you have for them. They love it.

I failed with so many women it isn’t funny. If I knew what I knew now, I would have a body count of 150 and many relationships. Many women over the years direct approached me in the streets and professed their attraction towards me. Countless dates on Tinder, Uni girls, Work girls so many women I have missed out on. And here is the sole reason I didn’t smash many women who even have many relationships. Firstly I didn’t think I was worthy, always felt there was a better guy out there or I wasn’t good enough, this is even when I’m the one being approached. It took me years to get out of this mindset, it wasn’t until 22-23 I started taking care of myself and the women flocked even more towards me. There was a time even I was scared of pussy, yes that’s right SCARED. I would have dreams where I put my penis in and it will burnt. I was scared of women and vagina also going to hell having philosophy might have been the reason for these odd dreams. Also I didn’t want to accept the sexual desire and realities of women. Why? Because if women want to smashed by men, have sexual desire exactly like men, want to be dominated and like it rough than most of this applied to my mother and sisters and add my religious upbringing it took a very long time to accept this reality, like up to 25. Stuff like this, I should have accepted by 15, only if I had a dad and proper role model. But I’m definitely over that now, I’m definitely worth it and Unstable will get his. I love myself and thus women will love me. This is also why nofap is REAL, women love semen, it literally revitalize and energies them. I notice once I get past 2 week is when the real attraction occurs and I have had odds experiences as well.

So now at the moment my total focus is on health, repairing damage from sugar and teeth extraction, Muay Thai/Kicking and grappling for defense, getting a job, finances in order, looking health and good as possible, strength training instead hypertrophy training at the moment and finally getting the degree and qualifications I want and need and living the life I always wanted. Oh and travelling as well.

I truly believe now that Fasting, Healthy Eating and Semen retention will help me live the life I always desired with positive thinking I can get what I always wanted as a MAN in this world.
My thoughts, Unstable

PS, Forgive about the spelling and grammar I have rushed it

 

I’ll stop my water fasting. I cannot do proper 3-7 water fast because my family is obsessed with food. I will continue on with intermittent fasting, 18/6, 20/4 or 23/1 all depending on lifestyle and current circumstances.

Recently I found a picture of me. Roughly around 12-14, how dear lord, its unbelievable how bad I looked. At that young age, had bags under my eyes, uneven face all due to masturbation and malabsorption due to a poor diet. I never EVER been nourished and sexually charged properly. This is the source of my modern determination to beat the ills of processed foods, masturbation, poor sleep and internet addiction.

 

With the national anthem of my nation blasting through the speakers as my heart pumps testosterone through my views. Unstable is angry and hungry.
I truthfully reached the age of no fear and death doesn’t scare. I don’t fear my creator and I’m his servant. Sick and tired of porn and ED. A male in his physical prime should have rock solid penis at will and never suffer the humiliation of PE. I know what needs to be done.

Deleted snapchat, deleted facebook and had enough. I fucking want to thrive not live.

BRING IT

 

Finally, understood what makes my skin ridiculously dry and causes hair to fall out (Hairline still prefect and hair super thick), its boils down to sugar and insulin. These two are the main culprit of poor health and finally understood the damage they do. Basically anything processed and refined is bad for you. I’m just going to eat a diet similar to those of Korean, Japanese, Chinese, Taiwanese, Thai and so on descendants eat. Already seeing ridiculous improvement in my health, and sometimes I’ll just eat high fat meat diet by itself. A near decade wasted due to poor health.

 

Finally discovered the root issue of my health, I know the cause but the issue is I have a leaky gut and always had a leaky gut. I just done 40 hour water fast break and followed by another 40 hour water fast and break to cure this issue. Now just started a final 5 day water fast and this should seal my gut and I should finally have a perfectly operating healthy gut. Now the causes are simple, mainly processed food, and the main culprits are Sugar(Any form even fruits), Gluten, Grains, Lactose and trans fat. Now I have finally removed all this trash for my diet my health markers have gone through the roof. Also these water fast without a doubt have helped heal my prostate issues and improved my erections.
But when I reincorporate foods back into my diet, I will introduce the less inflammatory food as possible, so animal fats, lean protein, eggs, tallow, coconut oil followed by vegetables (See gut reaction to these food) than white rice preferably Japanese and Basmati rice and that’s all I’m going to eat. Numerous spices and exotic vegetables to bring flavour and life to my meals.

Finally, I see light at the end of the tunnel.

 

Here I am. Couple days away from my 28th Birthday. Just came back from a party, full of beautiful girls in their early 20s and late teens. Just what? Not a single sexual thought, not a single movement down stairs and not a single conversation. Let me make it worse, physically I have never been stronger than before, never looked better than ever before and muscular than ever before. I truly wipe inside but outside portray that of a confident vibrant man, shameful; how did it turn out like this?
I’ll tell you how it turned out like this. These shame around my sexuality, being brought up in a religious household around single mother and sisters who shamed, threaten and sabotaged my sex life. Every time I am with a girl, there’s weird shame I feel, after every ejaculation I feel guilty and I feel shameful when I pursuit women and become sexual with them. My family environment and toxic/weird relationship with sisters and family has damaged me. But I will recover and thrive, I have just entered my prime and NO MORE MR NICE GUY.

Let me expand on that last sentence. I’m too much of nice guy, yes I already read the book but my behaviour lingers. I try to help people when they don’t ask for help, I explain myself too much, I scared to succeed and failure stops me and I’m afraid of the future and change. But here is the reality. Life is always change, adapt thrive or die. My mother is gonna die one day, sisters have moved on with their family and it is about time I thrive.

One of my worst Nice Guy characteristic; is I give people too MUCH benefit of the doubt. I respect people too much, I assume people are smart or smarter than me, which is never the case. I assume people have the same thought process as me which is never the case. And I assume a lot of people have street smarts as I do, which again, is never the case. Yes, I will be arrogant, I am definitely in the top 20% of intelligence, I beat a lot of people for smarts. But time to put these smarts into action.
For now on in, I will live for and ONLY the benefit of Unstable. Everything, no more being ashamed, I will eat the diet I want to eat, live the way I want to live, do the drugs I want to do, work the job I want to work and be the best version of me and the Unstable I always wanted. Death no longer fears me, but failure and regret. So be it. I had enough, I am bored, I am a man, I want to be strong, powerful, good looking, have great social life, but here is the kicker, I don’t just want but I will. The only true love in this world; is thy love for self. And here goes, no more being ashamed. Unstable for Unstable.

 

For the first time ever I didn’t have sexual regret or felt bad for having sex or desiring it. I’m really started to understand my underlying porn addiction; never felt worthy of having sex, ashamed a lot as a young boy by a matriarchal household and religiously damned for having normal sexual desires like everyone else. But I did an exercise like No More Mr Nice Guy, where he tells guys to masturbate or was it have sex and don’t be ashamed afterwards; did exactly that and I feel great. No desire for porn after or masturbation. Should have done this years ago, talking like 16 instead of 28 but such is life
.
On the 28 part, today is my 28th Birthday. I have learned a lot. And definitely No More Mr Nice Guy and finally over the programming from school and University; the indoctrination was just too much and the lies we are fed is unbelievable.

From here on out I will live my life according to my pleasure, senses, ideas and desire. And in this modern world, I trust no one, no one knows everything and this modern world is nothing more than illusion to entrap and enslave us. I don’t buy into anything they say or the time schedule they have for people. God has given men a brain and testosterone and that’s all I need to survive and thrive. I’m my own man and will get what I want and will be independent.

If there is a few things I have learnt as I have gotten older; NO ONE KNOWS EVERYTHING, EVERYONE IS HOPING FOR THE BEST, THE WORLD BELONGS TO EVERYONE, KNOWLEDGE IS FOR EVERYONE, HOWEVER THOSE WHO KNOW DON'T SAY AND THOSE WHO DON'T KNOW SAY THEY KNOW.

 

I’m officially done with take way or restaurant eating. I cannot risk or hand over my health to the discretion of someone else; that’s ludicrous. The only time I will eat out, if it’s an event such as a date, family event or occasion. Daily eating will now all occur at home, eat organic meats and vegetables only. I drank “coffee” once and had a major immune response which caused eczema all over my face and weird marks, today ordered just some basic chicken and I had a minor immune response. Enough is enough, this environment is completely toxic and I have had enough. All household products are now going to be organic and all food organic as well. Nothing refined, artificial, processed, chemical laden in my household or near me.

 

So I was close to deleting this thread but thought against this. I want this thread to be a reminder in the future. Either I look back, read become filled with teary regret or burst of happiness overcoming a vice which entrapped me for 5 years. No point writing what I am going to do now and what I want to be. I know, I simply know, and I know a lot now, no excuses. Hopefully I come back to this thread in the year 2050 after I fulfilled a lot of my life dreams and hope.

This is the end of the road for Unstable in this forum, I truly thanks everyone here, one of the best communities online. I hope every man who registered in this forum or even read this forum beats this disease and lives a fulfilling life.
The end, Unstable out