Deciding to be better

Discussion in 'Ages 30-39' started by thisistheend, Sep 17, 2022.

  1. thisistheend

    thisistheend New Member

    31M. First had access to porn when I was a teenager, and have been jacking it to porn ever since. Reflecting on it now, I never realised how much if affected my mood and how it made me feel depressed throughout my early 20s. For that reason, I was never really interested in pursuing girls, probably because I wasn't feeling horny enough. I didn't get my first gf until 24. Things were mostly fine, but I did suffer from ED time to time.

    And then I found about your brain on porn, and everything made sense. Why I was feeling depressed, why I was experiencing ED. I reduced porn usage, but would ocassionally relapse. After I broke up with my gf at the time, I went on a super streak of 2 months no MO. I felt way better and thought I fixed myself. And I did for the most part. A lot less ED, but then I'd relapse after a while thinking it was OK since I've mostly fixed the problem. For a while when I was single, not PMOing was a superpower that gave me the confidence to go and pickup girls. I was having a pretty decent sex life.

    Fast forward to today, now I'm married, but I don't have sex with my wife so often. During this time I'd watch porn just just out of boredom, but also because I thought I fixed myself and it was OK, just some entertainment. I was watching porn for many hours the other day, and after PMO, I was feeling pretty depressed the next few days. It felt like all the dopamine had been drained from my system. I wasn't feeling masculine and confident like I normally would.

    And then I realised I need to do better, for myself, and for my partner. In order to be the best version of myself. I've been half assing curbing this porn addiction my whole life, oscillating between feeling good about myself and then relapsing because I think I'm fixed and it's OK. But this has to end. Just no more porn. I don't need it to be happy.

    I don't necessarily think MO is that bad, but the real problem is when I spend hours watching porn, which completely drains my dopamine system and leaves me feeling depressed. I think it's natural to release yourself, whether with a partner or by yourself, when you are feeling extremely horny. Sometimes when I'm feeling horny, I just keep edging all day, looking at instagram models (I will keep IG uninstalled from now on because this is an easy trigger for me), but not cumming because I know I will feel guilty about it. It always eventually leads to MO or PMO in the end, so why not rub one off and stop wasting so much time and get on with your day. My goal firstly is to rebuild that connection with my own body and see how things go from there. I need to listen to my own body and release myself when I need to, but without porn. The middle way is the path.

    Porn is evil. Apart from draining you of your vital life force, I find that it also affects my expectations and perceptions of reality. I'm daydreaming of other women, when I should be more grateful of my current partner and what I have in life already. Which is why today, I'm deciding to be better.
    Last edited: Sep 17, 2022
  2. iceclimb29

    iceclimb29 Member

    Welcome aboard buddy. Porn is definitely so unnecessary. Good luck with your re-wiring.
  3. thisistheend

    thisistheend New Member

    Was triggered by IG and then watched some porn. Ended up MO. A bit a shamed of myself. Will try better next time. Uninstalled IG again, but it's difficult because I need to use it to message sometimes.
  4. thisistheend

    thisistheend New Member

    Watched some porn a few days ago but didnt PMO, been pornfree the last few days. Feeling the masculinity and natural horniness returning.
  5. thisistheend

    thisistheend New Member

    Been nearly a month and a bit. I have been pre-occupied with many other things, so I have not had many opportunities to indulge myself with pleasure. However, the day before and last night I ended up looking at some material and ended up PMO. It wasnt a full blown session by any means, but I couldn't sleep well after the excitement. I'm very acutely aware of how it impacts my dopamine system and I don't like it. When it boosts your dopamine levels so quickly and easily, it seeks to return to that again, causing strong feelings of craving and desire. It also results in feelings of depression.

    I need to give myself permission to bat one out when the urges are too strong. Instead of seeking novelty in online material. I am very proud of my results of being able to not look at material for longer than a month. But I will do better next time.
  6. tarconi_union

    tarconi_union Member

    Set a specific day of week and time alone by yourself. Maybe once in 10 days. No devices. Just you and your hand. Maybe some lube. Physical sensations. No fantasizing.
  7. thisistheend

    thisistheend New Member

    4 month update: Still haven't curbed the addiction yet. I totally forgot about this forum, and will write here again for accountability purposes. This weekend was pretty bad, with lots of porn viewing. I have trained myself to not finish to any material though, which is at least one positive. However, the stimulation is still very powerful, and I am sure that I am still altering my brain just with the viewing of porn.

    I've kept IG uninstalled which has made a big difference it curbing triggers. However, I still find from time to time, especially at night time when I am the most tired, that I suddenly have the urge to watch porn, mostly out of boredom. I know this is never a good excuse to justify this behavior, but I do it anyway. All i know is that once I start, i can't stop, or if the urge is not released on that day, then the next day or the day after that.

    As the above user has stated, I need to be able to accept the urge inside and release it without porn.

    Going forward, I will read some more scientific articles on porn. And I will promise to keep this journal updated at least once a week.
  8. thisistheend

    thisistheend New Member

    Weekly update. Didn't PMO this week or look at any kind of material. Happy with progress. No strong urges so far, but if i do, i will just release it!
    -Luke- likes this.
  9. thisistheend

    thisistheend New Member

    No PMO this week, did end up picking up a nice lady and we hit it off for some good times. No issues with ED thankfully.
  10. thisistheend

    thisistheend New Member

    Temptations hitting strong right now. Will resist for another two more days until i can meet my lady friend.
  11. thisistheend

    thisistheend New Member

    Haven't updated here in a while.

    I have a few girls on rotation now and have been sleeping better. So any signs of ED has been under control. I still watch porn sometimes just out of boredom, but rarely will I finish with it. I would like to be completely pornfree eventually.

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