Day one to ninety journal

Discussion in 'Ages 40+' started by Leonard, Oct 17, 2021.

  1. Leonard

    Leonard New Member

    I posted my journal in the wrong place (https://yourbrainrebalanced.com/forum/index.php?threads/day-1-check-in.118452/) so have done three days already. This is my day four update with me trying to get to 90 days.

    Last night was a good night. I went to bed at the same time as my wife avoiding the trap of staying up late to look at porn. I had been by myself a lot of the day but I managed to ignore the “twitches”.

    When I went to bed my wife and I made love and it was good. Nothing like what I used to watch, just two people who love each other enjoying their bodies.

    While I know there are many who believe in “monk mode” my view is that I have to work on my relationship with my wife as well as stop watching porn. Too much of the time I would see it as a transactional situation where I would do something for my wife and she would give me sex. Really it should be that I do things for my wife to receive her love and appreciation in return. I wish that I had realised this earlier.
     
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  2. -Luke-

    -Luke- Well-Known Member

    I think what people call "monk mode" can be very helpful for people with PIED. If you can have sex with your wife, you don't have PIED (at least not an extreme version), so I don't see any reason why you should abstain from sex.

    By the way: Have you read "No more Mr. Nice Guy"? What you describe sounds like the "covert contracts" that are described in the book.
     
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  3. Leonard

    Leonard New Member

    Thanks I will look that book up!

    It was also interesting what you say about PIED and “monk mode”. Fortunately that has never been an issue for me. My big problem was going on chatrooms and watching videos to get that dopamine hit. I found it so addictive and I would lose two off three hours out of my working day watching it. Somehow I have always managed to keep my job but it makes me sick to think of how much time I have wasted over the years.
     
  4. Leonard

    Leonard New Member

    Day Five now. I have had a mixed day. I got confirmation that I would get a small pay rise today. The reason why I didn’t get a bonus or indeed a larger pay rise was because I had been graded as meeting my objectives for the year rather than exceeding them.

    This is disappointing on one level but completely deserved. I spent so many hours looking at porn during working hours that I did not excel in my job. I was chatting or viewing porn for 3-5 hours when I was supposed to be working. I don’t know how I got away with being so unproductive.

    I am taking this as the “cost” of me staring at porn for hours upon end. I will treat it as an incentive to stop this dreadful habit so that next year I will give my employers a difficult choice to make.
     
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  5. Leonard

    Leonard New Member

    Day six- Currently sat at work. I just had an urge to look at some porn while in the office but resisted the temptation and decided to log on here instead. Have been listening to the Trish Leigh podcasts and they have been really helpful. I am still trying to understand my relationship with my wife but I believe that porn has made me hyper sexualised meaning that I am wanting sex all the time and resent her for not letting me have it. I don’t understand what hormonal fluctuations she may have and also that her view of sex is not mine. I am just going to keep trying to understand. Hopefully I will get into a more normal sexual state the longer I stop watching porn.
     
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  6. realness

    realness Active Member

    Great posts @Leonard ! You're well on your journey and there will be highs and lows. Some of the best and most challenging help I've received here is about how this journey is about me, about us as individuals grabbing on to better health, coping strategies, awareness, etc to improve ourselves and escape the self-destructive crutch of PMO. I'd encourage you to examine what you said about your relationship with your wife. I have felt the same way and I'm learning that it's very unhealthy. You deserve love and appreciation from your loved ones on your own merit as a human being with tremendous capacity to love and better yourself and those around you, as well as learn from mistakes and unhealthy coping mechanisms like PMO.
     
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  7. Rudolf Geyse

    Rudolf Geyse Well-Known Member

    @Leonard I can relate with all the hours wasted during work hours. I wish I could go back and regain some of that lost productivity and use the time for more worthwhile pursuits. But all we can do is build better from today.

    I had a similar wake-up call when my father-in-law was talking to me about a guy he knew who would play solitaire all day at the office, hide the window on his pc when someone walked into his office, stick around late at the office pretending he was working, even complaining about having to work late... my father-in-law used the term "he was basically bull$#!++ing his way through life."

    I kind of broke into a cold sweat when my father-in-law was telling me the story 'cos I realised how much time I had been wasting on even worse pursuits than just solitaire. Always doing the minimum for bosses/clients whereas in the past I would put in the extra work to earn bonuses etc...

    There is a bad kind of guilt which sends us into a spiral and we return to the same or worse behaviours to try to cancel the guilt. We must resist this at all costs. But there is a good kind of guilt which I call conviction which helps us to never go there again if we can at all help it. Those words still haunt me: I do not want to be bull$#!++ing my way through life!

    I agree with @realness about digging deeper - look at those thoughts and feelings rocking around in your head, and keep bringing yourself back to a healthier picture of what marriage should look like, train yourself on what is more objectively fair to your wife, and to you as well. Remind yourself that this is helping you (and your wife) to thrive as a human being when we do it the right way instead of smutty, wasteful, destructive patterns. Also prepare yourself for those trigger moments you will come up against.

    All the best man, I hope and pray with confidence that you can build from here in a healthy way.
     
    Last edited: Oct 20, 2021
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  8. Leonard

    Leonard New Member

    7 days - so that is one week down! Pleased that I have managed to do it. I unexpectedly saw a picture a friend of mine had posted of herself naked on Instagram (artfully done but still naked). That did distract me but I recognised it and ignored it avoiding the lingering that I would have done in the past. I was pleased with myself for recognising the urges that it would encourage.

    Things are difficult at work at the moment but I am trying to plough on and keep focussed. I keep reminding myself that porn and hyper sexuality robbed me of so much and I just have to focus.
     
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  9. Leonard

    Leonard New Member

    8 days. I am just about to go to bed so will be brief. Had a really busy day so was distracted from porn. I am tired and will now go to bed I won’t be staying up late to watch any porn which is what I would find myself doing in the past!
     
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  10. Leonard

    Leonard New Member

    9 days - one tenth of the way through this journal. It is currently Friday afternoon. I am sat at work and in days past I would normally be in a chat room or looking at porn. Destroying all the accounts that I had and “stashes” of pictures that I had acts as a great deterrent. I don’t want to build up these online relationships again. I know that they were bad for me.

    I have a busy weekend planned to distract me. Playing tennis tonight and tomorrow. Taking the children swimming and going to rugby training on Sunday where I coach. Hopefully these will all provide me with plenty of distractions.
     
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  11. Leonard

    Leonard New Member

    10 days - Busy day today playing tennis and taking the kids swimming. Having a relaxing evening. Will aim for an early night as I am shattered and have to be up early tomorrow. It will also have the added benefit of avoiding temptation.

    I still need to break from the feelings of hyper sexuality that I have and that is still something that I have to work on.
     
  12. Leonard

    Leonard New Member

    11 days - Had another good day so far. Did rugby training and then watched a film with one of my children and then did some gardening.

    One of the areas I have difficulty with is knowing that I have given up the “friendships” that I built up on online chatrooms. I know that they are not real and they were so unhealthy but I am struggling to let go. I think that it is some form of mourning process as I break away from that addiction.
     
    Last edited: Oct 25, 2021
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  13. Rudolf Geyse

    Rudolf Geyse Well-Known Member

    Man, that's hard though. All the best with that @Leonard
     
  14. Leonard

    Leonard New Member

    12 Days - This was more difficult. I had the day off work as my children were on school holidays. It was raining this morning and I was bored. I felt tempted to watch some porn and have a wank while they were playing on their Nintendo. I had to really exercise my willpower so that I would not crack and have a relapse. I managed it though!
     
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  15. Tomato76

    Tomato76 Active Member

    Hey @Leonard , great to read your posts. Well done on staying off the porn and chat. I too have had problems with this, ultimately interfering with productivity at work.

    Look forward to hearing about your progress. Keep on improving.
     
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  16. Leonard

    Leonard New Member

    Day 13 - no real urges today. Both my wife and I were off and we took the children down to the coast.

    I am feeling quite stressed at the moment. Work is really busy and there is loads of things that need doing. I am working from home tomorrow which used to be a prime opportunity to watch porn and chat on various sites. I have removed all my logins from those now so hopefully that will be enough of a deterrent. It means that I have to start my porn alter ego all over again and this is hard to do.

    I am also anxious about my relationship with my wife. I am not sure how well we are really getting on. We have sex probably a couple of times a month. When we have it I enjoy it. It is very much on her terms though and I think this is partly because to be honest I am always “ready to go” probably due to my hyper sexuality. It is however the case that I often feel that she doesn’t really care that much about our relationship. She never seems to want to do anything just the two of us and she is not really affectionate. I do however think I need to sort myself out before talking with her as I need to know what is wrong with me before challenging her.
     
  17. Leonard

    Leonard New Member

    Day 14- I actually wrote this post yesterday but for some reason it did not load up. I masturbated yesterday. I am not looking to stop masturbation as I believe that it is a healthy thing to do if you are not being dominated by hyper sexuality and you are not using porn to arouse yourself. It was porn-free and I drew upon a past sexual experience from many years ago which was fun, consensual, and very enjoyable for both of us. I deliberately made sure that my phone and iPad were well away from me at the time.

    I would say however that I am going to journal when I masturbate as if it becomes a problem habit I know that I will have to stop.

    Otherwise it was a very productive day yesterday. I got loads done. Work wise I am slowly turning a corner and feel that I am a more effective employee.
     
  18. Leonard

    Leonard New Member

    Day 15 - Good productive day today. No real urges to watch porn and I have also avoided social media which can be a point of temptation for me.

    Bought my wife a bunch of flowers to try and keep showing her affection and hopefully I will get some back. I know I have to reset things as much as I can and make it a more loving relationship. I saw some photos of us at a wedding about 15 years ago and could see there was affection between us and I want some of that back.
     
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  19. Leonard

    Leonard New Member

    Day 16 - Had a day off today. Took the children bowling this afternoon and it was a welcome distraction and great way to bond with them. No real urges.
     
  20. Leonard

    Leonard New Member

    Days 17 and 18 - I haven’t posted the last couple of days - not because I have had a relapse but because I have been really busy spending time with the family, playing tennis, and coaching rugby. I really have thought much about porn over the weekend to the point that I have not yet posted on here.

    My wife has told me that she is feeling peri-menopausal. She can be quite closed off about talking about these things and I am glad she has told me. It is affecting our sex life - we have always had different levels of sex drives but there is now a huge disparity between my hyper sexuality which I still have and her loss of sex drive.

    I cannot deny that it is frustrating but I know I have to be supportive to her. I think by dealing with my hyper sexuality it will make things easier to drawl with. It will however take time. She says she is going to go to the Doctors to see if she can get HRT which will hopefully help her. I have to try and be more understanding though and appreciate that although I find it frustrating this is partly because of my own addiction and that my wife has more difficult issues to deal with which I need to be present to help her through.
     

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