Day by day, another journal

Discussion in 'Ages 30-39' started by Anonymous Jack, Feb 27, 2023.

  1. DBA

    DBA Active Member

    Congratulations on being almost at 90 days. I am aiming for the same. But, of course, the real aim is no PMO ever again.

    For me that doesn't mean no MO, no I know that for very many on this site that is indeed their aim, and it will have to be
    for me too if it simply leads back to PMO.

    I'm frightened when I read journals on this site in which well known members became sober (of PMO) for many years
    and then fell off the wagon. It shows that indeed we need to change our whole lifestyle.

    When American GIs came back from Vietnam many of them were addicted to heroin. But back in the USA many of them
    kicked the habit. The reason is that the context we different. It is clear that we need to change our lives so that the
    opportunities for P simply don't occur because the triggers are no longer present.
  2. And that's a wrap. Day 90 complete.

    You made over 60 days DBA. Congratulations *^^* You're over the big hurdles now, and your success story is so much closer now. You've got this.

    So what happens now? As I said a while back I had further goals of taking this way up to 150 days and around that mark. Also as you've said DBA, for me too the core goal of all this is no P. To utterly break the addiction and to keep moving forward day by day. That doesn't mean living entirely without M and O from this point. I did however commit to no PMO for at least this 90 days to break my addiction, certainly my compulsion. From this point, going forward into my further goals is much more about remaining committed to no P.

    I'm astounded now that I'm starting to become excited based on the ideas, and imagination of being intimate with a real woman. But my ultimate aim is to get back to that early teenager point where I was able to at least M and O without any external stimuli, purely on the idea and imagination itself. I just hope that if I'm fortunate enough to be intimate with a real woman again, unlike my ex I can actually see her for who she is. Rather than the P-Star I want to see her as, and to be able to become aroused for her legitimately. Rather than through some P-inspired fantasy with no basis in reality. And of course to be with her for the value of her, not just for what she's got on her chest and between her legs.

    It's been a journey, but I would say one certainly worth it. I can still remember the moment I decided to do this, watching that P video and trying to use a toy. I was in a different position as usual, but at that point I do believe I had PIED. I'd become so conditioned to one position and to such novelty that I just couldn't get it up when it came to some thing physical. Even with P still playing right behind it.
    That was the first step, realizing I had a problem. Now I wouldn't call myself a religious man, but I am one of spirituality. I thought of this as akin to a possession, and asked for the mercy of God above. Actually taking steps into the unknown and going into confession within the first week. The first time I'd ever done that as an adult, and I know the priest isn't there to judge and has probably heard it all before. I don't know what it was inside of me, but waiting for my turn to see that priest I could almost feel the physical pull of something, like my addiction personified within me. Something pulling at me in all directions begging me to get out of there, but I'd gone that far so what's a little bit further. I went ahead and saw that priest, and did it just the same as I knew I had to do.

    That seems to be one significant thing which has worked for me. A commitment, a true promise in the presence of my higher power to just do the best I can. The next 2/3s of this 90 day period were probably laced with some of the most intense urges I've experienced. I did distract myself, tried to form new habits and kept going and going. Now they seem to have diminished significantly, I don't think about it as much anymore and it's quite easy to deal with. One thing that has changed is that by self improving in this sphere throughout this 90 days, I've made some changes and looked to improve myself in other spheres of my life. Trying to eat healthier, work more efficiently and improve more intimate areas of my life. Certainly a contrast as to laying in bed and yanking it like no tomorrow.

    So now, moving forward. This is still the beginning of this lifestyle. But I will no longer be updating this thread day by day or trying to update it day by day. I intend to keep P free, but I will come back and make updates at random as life goes on and things come up. I still have the goal to make 150 or so days P free, so I will certainly keep updating with that in my sights. A great thank you everyone who posted for your support and now with 90 days under my belt, after so much relapse and struggle I find myself within a joyful bliss of accomplishment. And forwards I move on.
  3. DBA

    DBA Active Member

    Great post and many congratulations.
    Anonymous Jack likes this.
  4. 1MoreLookAway

    1MoreLookAway Member

    Incredible post, congratulations it's a struggle for sure, and I'm certainly glad that you fought valiantly, against possibly the toughest internal enemy. I hope now it's less a fight than a reconciliation with that part of us all that craves affection, tenderness and connection.

    Being an adherent of religion is frowned upon, it's ok to believe in "the universe" instead of God, or to devotedly follow tarot readings but somehow only God is a superstition according to today's followers of pop culture.

    Keep going, enjoy your week of festivities and reflecting on what you've just achieved champ!
    Anonymous Jack likes this.
  5. tig

    tig Active Member

    Congratulations Jack! You deserve all of the pleasure endorphins running through your body, created not by P but by LIFE and ACHIEVEMENT. I really hope you find intimacy with a woman again brother!

    I think your story is an important example to others in this forum - an important lesson about how a significant/meaningful step can help in one's journey. When, on a cold dark night at 11:30pm, a person has yet another relapse, they can feel terrible about themselves and can be really "motivated" to change and finally quit. But where is that "motivation" the next morning when they really want to watch P again and its only day 1!? Your example of seeing a priest and confessing what you have done sounds like it made a big impact on your success.
    So to others on this forum, what can you do that is significant/meaningful/special to you (this will likely be something that is also nerve-wracking)? Have you told your close friend about your problem? have you told your parents? have you told your partner? have you told your priest? have you told your mentor? Could you, with a sense of ceremony and significance and spirit, make a very firm commitment to do your best?

    Last edited: May 28, 2023

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