Day 32 No PMO Wife doesn’t know

Discussion in 'Ages 40+' started by Enoughnomore, Dec 12, 2017.

  1. Enoughnomore

    Enoughnomore New Member

    I want to spare my wife this? She has enough sadness in her life. I have an accountability friend helping and things are ok even though there have been some tough days. I haven’t had complete PIED Until just the last little bit, just weak boner and I often lose it before completion. My wife is upset because I have been sexually aggressive and more interested in my O than in her satisfaction. I have also been a pretty angry person with her and others socially. I also seem to have lost my ability to to resist saying stupid rude inappropriate things to my wife and in public. I have no confidence in my ability to keep it hard. We have had sex three times after day 20(which was the worst day) although with some viagra help. This is more sex than the last three months combined.

    Does she have to know? And should I be abstaining from sex with her too? Will my social skills improve? I am half afraid to go out of the house.
     
  2. BuddhaPunkRobotMonk

    BuddhaPunkRobotMonk Administrator Staff Member

    It would help if she knew. She must be confused about your recent behavior. It would put her mind at rest... she'll know it is just part of your recovery process.

    As for abstaining with her, that's up to the both of you. Lots of people have successfully rebooted while having sex. Other people say you reboot faster if you completely abstain from O during your reboot. If you are having problem with sexual aggression... abstaining would certainly be a good option to clear that up.

    Rebooting can make you more confident socially but it is not a magic pill. If you never learned good social skills in the first place, rebooting is not going to fix that. It will just give you the confidence to work on your problem.

    Hope this helps somewhat, and I wish you the best in your reboot, enoughnomore.
     
  3. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    I personally would not tell her. She is already burdened, as you say, and so your admission of being a P addict is hardly going to make her feel better. One of the biggest reason I disagree with telling a SO is that it continues in most cases a pattern of giving our problems to someone else. In other words it absolves us from doing the heavy lifting. Everyone is different, of course, but it has been my experience personally, and from reading the journals here, that women tend to react badly when you tell them that you are looking at someone else's queef, even if it is pixel form. It feeds into their own feelings of lack of self-worth.

    Stay away from PMO and MO and all the good stuff will follow suit. It's a process that we must follow. If she needs some kind of excuse I would tell her that your prostate is acting up.
     
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  4. A New Man

    A New Man White Knuckle Brigade 2013

    I agree 100% with Saville. Telling your wife makes relapses even trickier because guys will fess up after relapsing and women are not ready to see it for what it is (an often necessary part of healing) but as weakness and betrayal. She will sense that something has changed in time, as you pay her more attention (not necessarily sex), gain confidence etc.
     
    Squire likes this.
  5. Enoughnomore

    Enoughnomore New Member

    I am at day 34 no PMO. The intense cravings and wanting to tear out my fingernails ended after day 20. I am still struggling with triggers and out of left field moments. But already I seem to have gained some strength against this demon. Trying to not be complacent. I have added prayer and exercise into my day everyday.
    As long as I can continue to stay on track and improve I will not burden my wife with this. I have told her I am meeting with a friend to talk through my selfishness and anger. I have apologized and she knows I am serious. I am going to leave it at that for now.

    On a positive note I am having some hard MW. More than I have had for the last several years.
     
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  6. seebs75

    seebs75 Member

    This time I did not tell my wife about my female. I have done it in the past and it always leads to strong reactions, a lot of guilt and shame on both parties. I will tell you though that unlike other attempts to abstain, this one is going much better. For me I always had to work through Her feelings of betrayal and inadequacy. This time though I have been free to just focus on me and it’s been very good. This journey is hard enough without having to overcome multiple obsticles at the same time. I spent years feeling like a piece of shit for my addiction and surprisingly, when you think you’re a piece of shit you’ll act like one. I may tell her at some point, but not until I’m feeling strong in my recovery.

    I’m 45 days clean today and things are feeling great. We’ve had sex a few times during this time and the quality has been much better than for a long time prior to my reboot. My erections are much better and although I still struggle with some ED I feel like I’m on the right track.
     
  7. 57yrold

    57yrold Member

    When I started my NO PMO journey, I thought I could just do it on my own. I'd tell my wife I didn't feel like cumming, and I'd just BS through 90 days. (Or longer)

    After about two weeks I realized how wrong I was.

    I told her, she was PISSED, and things were really rough for a while.

    But I love her with all my heart and I wanted to be honest with her. She's come around a bit and now she's understanding and supportive.

    She's my partner in this.

    We still fool around a lot, but it's really all me doing stuff to her. (She's a bit freaked out by that, but I think she actually really likes it.) Neither one of us touches my penis.

    I can't tell you what to do, but I can tell you that I couldn't keep it from my wife, and I'm glad I was honest with her and shared the situation.

    On a side note, I'm doing hardmode. NO P, NO M, NO O. Period. Not even with her.

    Best of luck to you man.
     
  8. Squire

    Squire Well-Known Member

    Hi Enoughnomore,

    Piggybacking on the above quote, one question you might ask yourself is why it is important to do a complete hard mode reboot? Maybe rather than trying to take the fastest route it would be better for your relationship to take a more moderate route of abstaining from PM but having O from time to time with your wife. Maybe during your reboot you will do it less frequently than in the past and spend more time romancing her in non-sexual ways so that those times together are more special. My wife appreciates emotional intimacy as much or more than physical sexual intimacy. I think that there are many women who feel the same. Working on the anger issues with her and developing habits of kindness might be the most healthy thing you could do for the relationship. In my experience sharing too many details with my wife was disastrous. If you do share anything with yours, keep it basic and don't turn her into a full-fledged accountability partner. It can fuel a lot of resentment on both sides.
     

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