Day 1, Minute 1 of my new, better life....

Discussion in 'Ages 30-39' started by parkerj2, Jul 12, 2017.

  1. parkerj2

    parkerj2 New Member

    I stumbled upon this forum a few minutes ago, after a cycle of realizing and denying my addiction and the problems it causes. There have been times where I've committed to stopping - the porn watching, "edging" for hours until finally masturbating until release. I can't do it anymore. I am wasting my life, wasting my abilities, and not growing.

    I don't know where to begin with my fantasies - I have dozens. Gay, straight, trans, femdom, 'cuckold.' Would I go through with any of them? Unlikely. I've had homosexual experiences, but I am now engaged and would never do anything to harm the relationship with my fiance. I love her, I want to provide for her and protect her.

    I commit to things and do not follow through. I have fallen behind on many goals. I no longer read, I no longer learn new kitchen techniques. I do not spend quality time with my dogs. I get stuck on my phone. I put it away when I am with my fiance, but I want to reach for it. It's the first thing I do when I get up in the morning. I am in fairly good shape, but I have regressed lately as I skip the gym to watch porn - for hours. I can't find enjoyment in certain things, because I'll begin to think about porn and fantasies, and I cannot escape the thoughts.

    However, here I am. I watched porn for a couple of hours today, and when I was done masturbating, I broke down. This is the line in the sand. A simple quote from stoic philosophy: "Plant your foot." I am planting my foot. It's been about an hour since I closed the website.

    Hour one of day one. Any support, advice, and encouragement that you can share would be appreciated. Any tips, tricks, books.....please. I need them all.
  2. Fry2

    Fry2 Well-Known Member

    Hi parkerj2, welcome and congratulations on your decision to change your life. This here is a board for journaling and exchanging information, questions and answers with other users. Regular journaling is recommend, no doubt, but you may also want to have a look at our number one source of information regarding porn addiction:

    You should work through the follwing two starting posts and also read the respective links in there

    If you're determinded to quit there's a whole new universe waiting for you :)
    parkerj2 likes this.
  3. parkerj2

    parkerj2 New Member

    Thank you for the links, Fry! Tremendous information in those pages.

    Close to 24 hours in. A large chunk of those hours was a 10-hour shift at work. I came home, grabbed a snack, had some time with my fiance, and went to sleep.

    I woke up this morning, had my coffee, walked the dogs with my girl, and ate a hearty breakfast to face the day. The coffee had a brighter taste than usual, and my breakfast seemed to give me more energy than on other days. I am now thinking that this stems from a new commitment, a new day, and a better life.

    I installed some blocking software on my phone and laptop yesterday, which to some may be "cheating," but I don't care. It's a necessary step for me, as part of my problem is chatting with people online about fantasies, etc. I need to knock this out as well.

    It was nice to go to work last night, set my phone aside, and just cook. I felt faster, better, and smoother. Now that I've committed to a life without porn, what is important can finally come into focus.
  4. parkerj2

    parkerj2 New Member

    A little over 48 hours in. Productivity is pretty high. Tons of time at the gym. Feeling good, eating well.

    Really excited at this moment.
  5. Fry2

    Fry2 Well-Known Member

    Great stuff!
  6. Fry2

    Fry2 Well-Known Member

    I second that recommendation of the book.
  7. parkerj2

    parkerj2 New Member

    Well, I only made it a couple of days. As soon as life threw me a curveball, I went to my addiction for solace. It only made the trouble I was experiencing worse, as I realized that I lost sight of my goals when I should not let a momentary crisis steer me in the wrong direction.

    I am back to day one, and it's got me down. I read the journals and I am so inspired by people on this forum who get to hundreds of days and struggle through the next one. I MUST regain my resolve and begin to move forward again.
  8. parkerj2

    parkerj2 New Member

    Back again....

    Unsure if this will be read by anyone, and that is ok. My last post and activity on this forum were 4 months ago - which is slightly embarrassing but can't be changed at this point. All I can do is make a better effort to be consistent.

    I've begun seeing a psychotherapist for my porn issues, among other things. It's beginning to help. He recommends group sessions, which are difficult for me at this juncture, as well as too expensive for me right now.

    Short post, but I had to break the ice in return. I have many issues to sort through, and I need help and encouragement.
  9. parkerj2

    parkerj2 New Member

    I'll give it a shot again, doesn't matter if no one is listening.

    My therapist has really helped. It'll be 7 days soon, which is a big win for me. I've spent quality time with my dogs, read a book in a week and begun another one, and just feel better all around. I'm a newlywed, so I won't avoid the O, just the PM, and I am very proud of my mini-win.

Share This Page