Day 1 (male 33)

Discussion in 'Ages 30-39' started by Dave858, Apr 23, 2020.

  1. Dave858

    Dave858 New Member

    33 Male, has a 50 year old boyfriend, I live at home, and today is day 1.

    I’m making a journal for more accountability and to move out of this porn rut. My erections haven’t been as firm and I also notice myself going on porn or chat instead of doing more productive things.

    Hope everyone is doing well
     
  2. Matt2020

    Matt2020 Member

    Hi Dave

    Welcome.
    Hope all ok with you.

    Im 2 weeks now with no PMO or MO. Im single so basically no O at all :eek:
    Do you feel your porn use is detrimental to your relationship or are you doing it just to be more productive for yourself?
    Does your boyfriend know you're doing this?
     
  3. Dave858

    Dave858 New Member

    Hello Matt,

    Congratulations on your 2 weeks! Are you feeling more clarity? I usually notice less brain fog around 2 weeks.

    I am doing this mainly for me but yes porn has affected my relationship with my boyfriend and even my friends

    There have been times where i have blown people off to watch a "good webcam" or stayed up way too late edging.

    My boyfriend doesn't know that I am doing this but I know it will be good for our relationship and for my other friend relationships in general.

    What have you been doing in your free time lately? I have been reading a bit and walking.
     
    Last edited: Apr 25, 2020
  4. Matt2020

    Matt2020 Member

    Thanks - I felt pretty good the first 7 to 10 days but ive been really lethargic and achy for the past few days. Hoping it passes soon!

    What has been your longest streak?

    Ive noticed there arent that many gay guys in the forums here or elsewhere and very few youtube nofap stuff with gay guys.
    My thinking is that gay culture is so sexualised that the thought of something like this would be totally alien, but then there must be so many out there having the same issues and side effects from porn.

    Ive been single for 4 years but found that i just couldnt connect on dates and the very few that ended up in the bedroom didnt go well so my hope is i can turn that around and not just for finding a partner but also, like you, to be more productive and finally feel energised with life.

    Ive also been walking during lockdown and ive got some home gym equipment (nothing fancy) but im trying to make the best of that.
     
  5. Dave858

    Dave858 New Member

    Hi Matt,

    That sucks when you get to the lethargic phase. I used to play video games when i would get to that phase to get through it but there are probably more productive things to do.

    My longest streak was probably 2 months. After that, my brain will say "lets just take a look to make sure we aren't addicted anymore" and at first its not exciting... until it is.

    Hope you get through it soon.

    I relapsed on Saturday but it wasnt too bad and i am back on the wagon. Day 2 again.

    In regards to your comment about not many gay people on here-- there aren't really many gay people in general and i think only about 3.8% of world population is LGBTQ so I am just happy to have one person replying back.

    I am sure there are other gay people with porn problems but who knows how they deal with it.

    Additionally, I read a really interesting book a few years back by a gay author, Jack Donovan. It's called Way of Men and although i dont agree with everything in the book, I thought he was pretty insightful regarding his thoughts on being a man now versus the roles men played in early times.

    4 years is a while to be single-- i hope your reboot helps you to meet a great person. I do believe it will help you to tear back the onion to get to the true you and doing that will help you with all your relationships.

    I haven't dated in a while but to be honest, i always look at it as just hanging out and enjoy the time. It's always nice to have a beer or coffee with a new person even if it ends after the first time.

    Definitely jealous about your "nothing fancy" weights.

    I would be grateful for a barbell, some 45's and 25's and few dumbells.
     
    Matt2020 likes this.
  6. Matt2020

    Matt2020 Member

    Sorry to hear that but onwards and upwards. Was there a particular trigger that caused it?

    I'm sure its more than that in reality and as society becomes more accepting, people are more likely to feel comfortable in being open.

    I googled Jack Donovan. Certainly an interesting character although im not sure i agree with his ideology but no doubt he has some valid points in there.
    I myself dont relate to a lot of gay culture or stereotype. Im a masculine guy who's more into rock music than Barbra Streisand! lol

    I agree, ive made quite a few friends that way even when there was no romantic spark.
     
  7. Dave858

    Dave858 New Member

    I was kinda bored and tired and feeling numb from being on day 4. Next time i get to that point, i am going to try to stay in the moment and really being present to feel whatever I am feeling instead of escaping with pixels on a screen.

    Whoa whoa . Whats wrong with Barbara??! Jk

    I wouldnt mind some good rock, do you have any albums to recommend? I like Grateful Dead, Stones, and etc but thats classic rocks. I listen to whatever rap is on the charts lately which to be honest is pretty good stuff. Rap seems to be getting better these days/

    How are you doing on your streak? You must be noticing some changes from now versus 19 days ago.

    Only on day 3 but feeling a bit better here
     
  8. Matt2020

    Matt2020 Member

    :D nothing at all, i have eclectic music tastes but my last concert was Kiss

    With rock i like 80s and early 90s, bands like Kiss, Bon Jovi, Alice Cooper, UFO
    Right now though im really into a band called Banners, which isnt really rock at all. More a cross between Hozier and Coldplay.
    Never really been into rap but agree more modern stuff seems better.

    Im doing good thanks, 3 weeks now which im really pleased with. A few ups and downs feeling lethargic and achy. No real urges but I did find myself checking out a guys fashion channel on YouTube and he was trying out different brands of skinny jeans. I was about 10 min in when i realised i was checking him out more than the clothes so i turned it off!!

    Hows things with you?
    Its difficult with lockdown but i hope you're still able to work on your goals and keep positive about no PMO.
     
    Dave858 likes this.
  9. Dave858

    Dave858 New Member

    Not a Kiss concert (Knights In Satan's Service) lol. I don't know if you ever saw the film Detroit Rock City but if not, you gotta watch it at least once.

    Good job on handling yourself on youtube. Some of those videos.... gees

    Things are good here. I went to a social distanced cinco de mayo fiesta yesterday and had a few tacos and a margarita which was kinda nice. Aside from that, I broke my PS4 trying to clean out the fan and I started doing duolingo to learn spanish with a friend. So replacing one habit with a better one imo.

    I slipped on Sunday but I think the 3rd times a charm eh.

    I hope you get over those aches soon and feel better. Put on your favorite pair of skinny jeans and blast some Kiss next time you feel down

    Cheers
     
    Last edited: May 7, 2020
    Matt2020 likes this.
  10. BoughtWithBlood

    BoughtWithBlood Active Member

    Hey Dave,

    Good to see you’re trying to get out of this porn rut. Have you wrote down or been mindful about what’s causing you to slip up? Did it start in your emotions / dreams / thinking or did you just stumble upon something visual that triggered you?

    All the best!
     
    Matt2020 likes this.
  11. Matt2020

    Matt2020 Member

    I have seen it yes, a few times. Its no Oscar winner but a good fun film.

    The fiesta sounded fun. The closest ive done is online quizes with friends over WhatsApp video or Houseparty and we have a few beers.

    Oh no, is the PS4 fixable?
    Im not really a gamer but imagine now's the worst time for it to break!

    Funny you should mention learning Spanish as its something ive thought about. A good distraction and Ive got a friend just moved over there and i visit Spain and its islands regularly (well before lockdown!). How do find Duolingo?
     
  12. Matt2020

    Matt2020 Member

    Thanks, and i may just do that :D
     
  13. Dave858

    Dave858 New Member

    Hello BoughtWithBlood, thanks for reading my post.

    I think my slip ups are caused by a number of things but mainly when I am busy with things-but the things i am busy with are not things that are bringing me closer to larger goals.

    Porn then feels more enticing. Last week my distraction was the app Duolingo and learning Spanish. It was great learning more Spanish but on the other hand, my goal is to get a new job and I never finished writing a resume. I think planning my time better to make sure that i am getting closer to my goals will really help.

    "I am wasting my time anyways, why not waste it with some porn"-said my brain

    How about you? What causes you to slip up?
     
    BoughtWithBlood likes this.
  14. Dave858

    Dave858 New Member

    That must be rough having a free place to stay in Spain whenever you want lol.

    You can find Duolingo on the app store on your phone-- its free and very addicting. Tú puedes aprender mucho español

    Congratulations hitting 38 days!

    I'm back on day 1 but I have alot of good things to be thankful for so Im pretty happy here. I got to go to the pool over the weekend and swam a bit and man I really miss the water. Hope all is well with you.
     
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  15. BoughtWithBlood

    BoughtWithBlood Active Member

    Great that you’ve figured this out!
    My slip ups can be caused by lowering my defenses by indulging in entertainment. For example jumping in front of the telly while I actually need to do the dishes. Which is a bit similar to what you describe. I have to use entertainment in moderation so my brain won’t go in ‘passive’ mode.

    Another one for me is mindlessly browsing the youtube recommendations. The seeking part of trying to find that one right video is very similar to porn. So whenever I do that and stumble upon something sexual, it’s easy to progress with porn seeking and searching.

    The third one for me would be looking at the body of women, either in real life or in a movie or something. It starts off as appreciating the beauty but quickly turns to ‘I want to see more’ and that becomes lust, turning me to porn to get my fix. I have to keep my eyes in check.

    The last one would be sexual thoughts. Memories from past sexual encounters or thinking about how I would like my sexlife to become. This can easily lead to fantasizing and then to M and P.

    Have a great day
     
    Dave858 likes this.
  16. Matt2020

    Matt2020 Member

    Hey

    Well i succumbed to PMO on Fri/Sat so my counter is reset but onwards and upwards.
    Others have told me that its all part of the journey and i guess i cant just switch off a 20+ year habit that easily.

    I started Duolingo Spanish and now have a 14 day streak with that. Estoy aprendiendo mucho español :D

    Glad you're in a good place right now.
     
    Dave858 likes this.
  17. ChrisJE

    ChrisJE New Member

    Hi Dave and Matt,

    My name's Chris, new to the site. Found the site through the viral internet porn coach, Noah Church, who is a wealth of information for porn addiction and recoery.

    I started reading your forum, and just felt an immense wave of gratitude for your sharings. Haven't finished this forum yet, but plan to keep on with the conversation and respond soon.

    I wanted to respond asap, as I am also a gay man (31 years old) who has struggled with severe porn addiction, ED, Delayed Ejaculation, and compulsive masturbation since I was 12 years old. Everytime I've joined an online porn recovery community, it's helpful to a point, but I'm always left feeling marginalized. You both are right, there's rarely a platform for gay men struggling with this issue. Most of the time, the staight male population dominates the conversation and recovery process. It's important to note that, if it's secular/non-religious, most of the time, they will always be anti-discrimination/inclusive, however, that doesn't mean you'll have a flood of gay or queer men chiming in. I've also noticed that gay men with sex addiction is a bigger population, than gay men struggling with porn addiction. Although it's nice to connect with men struggling with SA in 12-step groups, the addictions are distinctly different, and should be treated as so. For my sexual health to improve, I need to be talking with gay men who get the unique, nuisanced experience of being a gay porn addict. Social isolation, erectile dysfunction, delayed ejaculation, are issues that gay men may struggle with more than gay men with SA, and it's great to feel the relatability.

    Anyway, and in a nutshell, porn has destroyed my sex life, and as a result, I've experienced ED 90% of my sexual encounters. Devastating. However, I'm beginning my path of recovery now (9 days without porn), and really look forward to connecting with others and hearing their stories. Although addiction is a poignant path, I'm feeling liberated to heal, once and for all. I've been relapsing for 10 years, and I'm finally at a point where I'm fully ready to own my power through recovery. Everyone's path is so different. I chose to relapse for many years. There were many times I could've stopped, but I chose not to. For me, it just had to get that big, for something to change, which was not having successful or enjoyable sex.

    Thanks for hearing me, and look forward to connecting with you soon!

    Cheers to your recovery,
    Chris
     
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  18. Matt2020

    Matt2020 Member

    Hi Chris

    Welcome to the forums, this really is a great place and Ive learned a lot from the guys here. Yes they are mostly straight and i do agree with you that as gay men we may have different experiences / issues but all those ive chatted to have been very accepting and willing to help.
    It would be good though to have an LGBTQ sub section to discuss issues.

    If you haven't already, start your own journal and we can connect on that (dont want to hijack Daves. lol)

    All the best
    Matt.
     
  19. Dave858

    Dave858 New Member

    Hi Chris, welcome to the site.

    It’s nice to have another guy on here who is into guys. It’s a somewhat different experience for sure so I’m glad to hear your story and hopefully there are a few more guys who share as well.

    90% of the time with ED sounds bad but I know our brains can rewire, so good for you taking a step to change it.

    I don’t have ED but sometimes my hardons aren’t as hard as I’d like so I’m sure knocking out porn and eating better would help me.

    Hows your journey going now?

    Day 2 here

    -Dave
     

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