Daimon's Thinking

Damn almost everyone I used to contact on here is pretty much gone. That's life, though.

 

So I was drunk as shit last night and was out with some friends and bought a Juul. Might just use it on the weekends 'cause this shit is not really my thing.

 

"That's life though."

Yes my grandpa also says that every time I tell him I didn't win the lottery. "Ah that's life." or everytime we watch the news together tragically, "Ah there's a war on, ah that's life."

Everything for me has existed as a season and a cycle, and the times I want friend I am alone, and the times I want to be alone I usually have friends around.

Whatever is happening in life, ROLL WITH IT, and pretend you asked for it from the Genie in the bottle

 

That's a good way to perceive life. Taking ownership of situations in your life. I'll do my best to do it that way.
It's funny -- if you saw me in person, you'd never realize I'm struggling this bad -- I look pretty kept together and I'm in shape and athletic -- I look like I should have it together. But, I really don't.

 

Yeah, we've been on this site almost a decade bro. It's mind boggling to think about. And yeah man, it's crazy. All those people reached fame in the amount of time we've been on here and they all struggled with some form of mental illness. So it's humbling to know we're still here -- thanks for taking time out of your day to stop by on my journal man.

Oh, and the most success? I had a period of 2-3 months where I was completely porn and MO free.

 

X read a book called the Master Key that he suggested to all his supporters, I've been stuck on fully applying all the practices but its a very interesting read.

 

Really struggling to control my impulses. I am not happy. I'm really fucking sad inside. And I just don't know what to do aside from talking to people.

 

If you have read The Master Key System there is the first exercise.

Sit in a chair for 30 minutes without moving. An hour is easier (yes longer is easier).

All your sadness will pass. You will have God like insights and clarity what to do.

Courage to accept and 'non interfere' with the sadness and misery will require daredevil risk taking boldness and courage. But it is worth it. The sadness will transform by sitting in it for a while.

Sitting in the chair without moving (too much) with zero music will provide reflection and integration of your being.

Your Inner Voice will instruct you what to do, and, provide healing at no cost $.

Sending you energy.....here it is now.

 

Most people wont try this because it is elusivly 'too simple.'

Deceptivly, if the entire world did this for 25 minutes at the same time we would have Heaven.

https://www.google.com/amp/s/www.briantracy.com/blog/personal-success/the-magic-of-solitude/amp/

 

Thank you, brother.

 

I am going to talk about something now that is deeply personal to me. It may be very jarring to some, but I need to get it off my chest because it's been bothering me for a while now. You all can read on if you want; but it's not going to be a pretty topic at all. You don't have to read any further on this if you don't want to. I have now realized the root of my addiction -- I spent almost a month away from porn and went through deep reflection of my life from the beginning.

When I was about 7 years old; I was molested by another kid -- my best friend at the time. I did not know what was going on -- but in hindsight, I realize that it absolutely crushed my confidence in myself as a man and breeded social anxiety (and instead of growing into myself as a man -- just when I was beginning to become confident I found porn in my teens which infantilized that part of me); low self-worth, and spiraled me onto the path of addiction. I might be pointing fingers right now; but I need to do it at this moment -- I was sabotaged from a young age. Though I am exclusively attracted to women, I have never been confident in my masculinity as a result. I buried this experience deep in my subconscious -- the nature of my porn addiction stems from what happened to me as a child.

This is not very comfortable for me to talk about -- but I have to say it. I've been on this website off and on for almost a decade -- many people who I used to converse with here are now long gone and are living their lives -- but I'm still here, stuck in this hell which though it started off out of my control has become one of my own making due to me not being able to cope with my emotions. I have been depressed most of my life, and didn't know quite why -- it's like porn had a buffer effect on what happened to me -- reinforced my feelings with shame, fear, anger, and anxiety while I lost sight of what I was running away from. I have used porn to self-soothe and numb myself for more than a decade. I know that I can't keep on doing this to myself. I'm a grown man, but I'm basically a man-child. This isn't good. I want to be confident. I SHOULD be confident, but this is a major burden that I still haven't freed myself from yet. I'm frustrated because I want to connect with people. On a superficial level, no one can really tell this about me -- I keep people at a distance, but on face-value I come off as friendly, funny, and I'm in great physical shape so no one can see what I'm going through. I feel deeply alone.

I want to love people. I want people to love me. But I don't even love myself, so how can I love anyone else?

 

Prove yourself that you a man. Pick up a meaningful challenge and crush it. It can be some sport achievement, learning new skills, military service. There is no label to make you a man. Only you make. Do what you are supposed to do every day and avoid doing stupid unproductive unhealthy and dangerous things. It is simple but not easy. Confidence comes from past achievements and succsessful tests, it comes from situations when you did right things no matter how hard it is.
Making yourself financially stable and independent is also great idea. Do not be a prisoner of your past, learn from it.
There is no magic trick that makes man confident, breaks away addiction and help to connect with people. Or at least I did not find it. There is only hard work on making yourself better than you were yesterday.

 

Daimon, my guy. I think that for some of us that have failed to move on from porn, even after extreme measure and considerable effort, there has to be some underlying root cause that is contributing to the addiction. For you, it seems that you have rooted it back to childhood moments. I personally think that something similar happened to me, but I cannot get my mind to remember the details.
Regardless, thanks for sharing this, and hopefully, now that you are going through this stage of reflection, maybe change will follow?

From the very beginning of us posting in this forum, we knew that it would be a long road ( I definitely underestimated how long) , but Daimon you are still here. You are still improving, and though you may be wounded, you are continuing through your path. I don't have the answers (in kanye voice), but at least, I believe that as long as we don't give up or give in - that we are living.

 

Thank you for your kind words, Cham. I've learned recently that deeper addictions are tied to something: core traumas. There's a video I found on YouTube talking about the root cause of ADD. The gist of it is that this behavior arises from us distracting ourselves subconsciously/unconsciously from a deeper wound in our identities.

If you're interested:

 

I appreciate you telling me this. I actually joined the military a just a few short years ago. I have become excellently in shape. I've developed confidence in that regard, but I guess my main issue is becoming confident in bonding with people beyond the superficial and learning to trust myself.

 

The nature of my addiction runs deep. I'm too soft...I've got to get over this.

 

I've been on this website for damn near 10 years...I just...I don't even know. Porn addiction is a HORRIBLE addiction to have. I want to be happy, man...I want to find love. I've gone from being a naive teenager to being a grown man -- yet still struggling with this addiction. I first logged onto this website in 2012 when I was 19 years old. It's 2021, and I'm 28 now. I remember people who used to be on this website that now hardly are ever on (I'm hardly ever on it either). It's been so many years...so many empty years. Dear God, I need help. I need confidence. I need a healthy form of comfort. Here I am...still a slave to my addictions. Only 3 more months left in this year...I desire to make the best of it.

I hope that whoever does read this one day in this forgotten part of the internet can learn something from these struggles that all of us who have been on this website for years have been dealing with. Despite my despair, I've done decently well in my life. I joined the military, I got in excellent shape, and I now have a bit more respect in society but I'm still missing something deep in my life. I think....I think I am missing a true friend. Not to say that I don't have true friends, but I believe my concept of friendship or whatever the hell I am seeking was perverted in my youth and I'm trying to learn to undo that. I'm going to go on a fast tomorrow and I'm going to consult God about my future and what I want for myself. I've been in limbo for 10 years. Something has got to give. I'm not a very religious person, but this is something I feel I have to do.

Also...my aim for this journal is that it will be/remain an inclusive space for anyone who is respectful. You don't have to believe what I believe -- I don't have to believe what you believe, but we can still come together and build one another up.

 

Hey man. I know what it's like. I made an account in 2014 but I also found this forum in 2012 and tried to stop ever since. Looking back can be hurtful. We were young (and probably a bit naive) and highly motivated. What many of us didn't fully realize was how deep this addiction goes and how hard it is to leave it behind. But the fact that you still come here shows that you haven't given up and want to change your life for the better. And that's great. Many of the guys from back in the days, we don't know why they aren't here anymore. Some of them left porn behind, some were bored or didn't find this forum helpful or found another community. And some have given up unfortunately. You have not given up.

Keep going and keep trying. Wish you all the best.

 

Freedom is not free, brother, especially freedom from addiction. It is going to take some time but eventually only you can free yourself from addiction. I beat myself for my inability to quit also. It wasn`t so long journey as yours but everybody have own path in life. I have been feeling that I miss something important or someone important in my life for years. This feeling is not going to disappear on its own. It have not gone yet. The only way out that I have discovered is to learn from your mistakes and learn how to live with your own unic and not so pleasant experience.