Well...I binged. Edged like my life depended on it Sunday after a WD. Edged Monday. Skipped Tuesday. Edged today. Lmao -- smh. I honestly don't know what to say anymore. I'm stuck. Well....off to work I go. Tomorrow morning, I'll be updating my resume and apply to some new jobs because I will lose my mind in this soulless environment if I don't change things.
I've been relapsing for the last couple days too actually. Porn isn't at the center of my life anymore, but it's still living in the corners. It's like that fungus that you sticks to your walls, and you feel nasty just thinking about scraping it. You can do it friend, you can do it.
Indeed, my friend. Porn can be so insidious in how it can creep up in one's mind. Like a weed, it can pop up out of nowhere and continously suck up nutrients though one may think such a harming agent has been cut out of one's life. Speaking of weeds, New Year's day in the early hours of the morning when everyone was partying, celebrating this annual occaision, I smoked some. I was at a friend's house and he brought out the weed while we vibed to music. Marijuana is not something I typically engage in due to bad experiences in the past from combining prescription medication with it, and indulging in an addiction to it years ago which messed up a lot of things in my life in my late teens. I'm okay with the fact that I smoked, but I probably won't do it again for a long time simply because I don't need it. I analyzed the feeling I had while under its influence: I felt incredibly motivated and though I felt pretty good, I found myself battling questions of my self-worth and if I was a bad role model to my younger sisters. Its important to note that these are questions I have asked myself for a long time; I probably just seemingly felt the pain more sharply. I've also come to realize that whenever I indulged in weed, I also indulged in porn which in conjunction with each other brought out some horrible feelings. I've been away from porn for about a week (the counter is not exactly accurate) , messed up last week with edges for 2 days, but prior to that had 3 weeks no porn) and my high experience wasn't some horribly dramatic occurrence. Basically, I have come to this conclusion for the time being; weed is not bad per say but its not something one needs...just like drinking. Its better to not do it at all, but a small amount could be acceptable. Haha, I swear this is almost like groundhog day, huh?
Well, you guys. Its been a while. Not much has changed but I'm living a more chaotic lifestyle and will continue to do so until this weekend ends. This weekend I'm going to the beach with some people I met this past week and we're going to party -- drink and smoke. A lot. After that, I'm laying low while I look for a new job. I quit my job at the factory this week...its actually pretty damn hilarious what caused it. Porn (sorta). Indulged in some bad stuff this week, had me feeling pretty bad. Now, I've done this in the past and always got over it by doing pranayama (look into this guys -- really) and then hitting the gym. It completely annihilates bad feelings from porn. Try it. Its a method I recently picked up a few weeks ago [Enter:CheatCodeOneLove]. Alright, so what the fuck happened? Why would porn be the reason I quit that damned job? Well, porn relapses w/o meditation and exercise make me depressed. Very depressed. Combine that with a day in which I smoked and drank and it was lights out for me. I said, "Fuck this job." A part of me is regretting that now LOL but after this weekend, I'm looking for a better job. I entrapped myself working there (mentally -- as if I could do no better). It made me a much stronger person having to work in such a harsh environment, but I can't do it anymore. Now, I've got to find something that resonates with me more. So yeah, this weekend I'm going all out. Then laying low. Maybe it is foolish to do this, maybe it is very reckless. I can admit that. The feeling of being lost. I'm getting all melodramatic here, but I have recognized within me a strong DGAF undercurrent within -- like a drive towards death, however I am completely unwilling to take my life. The hard part is making the drive towards life stronger. My mindset will probably change after I hit the gym, though. Edit: More self-introspection: I have to become a stronger person and not let myself feel weighed down or follow another person's suppositions as absolute truth even if it may bare a modicum of truth. I always have a choice and I define my life. No one else can...and though I've been struggling to define my life, I don't need another person to define it for me.
Hey man, You are right in saying that you define who you are. You have the ability to mold yourself into whatever form you want to, but it takes forming habits and reinforcing them. For a long time, I was always the quiet guy in high school that didn't talk to anybody and kept to myself. Most people didn't mess with me because of my stature, I'm well over 6ft, even as a high schooler, but I didn't have any authority. People left me alone, and I left others alone. But I realized that I had potential for more, I had the ability to relate to people, and to help people. After cultivating that gift, I have been able to be more like who I want to be, and it's been a change that I havent' realized. Very recently, a friend of mine told me that I am one of the most amazing people that he has ever met, another friend told me that he knows many people that look up to me..I have many stories like this..but basically, without me knowing I became a leader. I became someone that people look to me for advice about their lives, and became someone that people analyze. Every mistake I made was amplified, people now look at everything that I do. So there is bad and good, but basically the point of my story is that you can always be better than what you are, you have qualities in you that must shine. I"m sorry that you had a crappy job, and I honestly cannot even imagine how bad it was to work there, but it usually is unwise to leave a job before you get a new one..and you are going out to party and spend probably a lot of money. This may not be the best course of action, but only you know your plans. I want you to succeed man , you shouldn't look at suicide as a viable option, you have plenty to live for, you have family, and you are living in conditions that the majority of the world isn't. You have to keep grinding, good things happen to people who don't give up. I'm on the same path as you too, I have to keep fighting, I'm not to the point where I can help my family yet, and I need to get there ASAP. Anyway, I'll be around Daimon, and checking your progress.
Hey man. Just popping in. It looks like you're trying to do a shitload all at once. Gym, quit porn, get with girls, look for a new job, change your life/personality/mindset etc. My advice is keep it simple. Like chammorrow said, you need to make habits and reinforce them. But not all the habits, all at once. You have insight, you were well aware of how you are, like you can see yourself slipping into the DGAF mindset. But even though you can see it these aren't things that you can change directly. It's like trying to stop a tsunami. I think you're almost too insightful in that you see -everything- that's wrong, that needs to be changed and that needs to be done. But you can't do it all at once. You only have so many cognitive resources. When I've tried to change it's felt slow. Deliberately, like I'm holding myself back. 5 years ago I started talking to people and putting myself out there. I managed to make friends which did a lot for social anxiety. 4 years ago I started going to the gym because I was seriously underweight and put all my focus into that. Even though I didn't make anywhere near as much progress as I should have it was good and importantly I cemented that habit. 3 years ago I decided to quit porn after I realized it was causing all these problems. 2 years ago I developed PTSD and everything took a backseat to recovering, dropped out of college etc, now I'm fine. 1 year ago I started rewiring to hookers which I think is underrated on this site if done after a long time off porn, now I can have sex most of the time. And now at day 0, I'm trying to get rid of the craving once and for all and have started hitting on girls I meet. Not frequently but I'm definitely putting more of an effort in and as the anxiety reduces, the frequency and my success will go up. What's my point? Try and look at yourself from the outside a bit. You have all these problems, similar problems to what I had and the weight is crushing. You feel like you need to change it all today. LIB's heart is in the right place when he says "In times like these, reading a self help book like awaken the giant within really helps." but that's not going to help you long term, just make you feel a bit better now. Fact is, there is no inner giant and that's why the feeling doesn't stick around. Just a human who's probably exactly as capable of things as the next guy. So my point is to take these problems one by one. Don't tackle them all at once. Instead of trying to quit PMO and going gym and hitting on girls and this and that and dfsfd, which can all feel like colossal existential issues, take one and try and fit it into your life. Paradoxically I don't recommend trying to quit PMO first as it's easier when you've got a bit of willpower (for lack of a better word, it's not really what I mean) under your belt from doing something else and it doesn't appear to be working anyway. Here's an example. Note when I say learn, I mean it in more of a neurological way. It's the time it takes to start a habit, stick with it and then not have to put any special effort into doing it. PMO to a strict schedule. example time to learn: 1 month Get a new job. est 1 month Go gym properly, start a program like stronglifts. example time to learn: 6 months Meditate. example time to learn: 1 month Reboot and get on a streak. example time to learn: 1 year After that it's time to rewire. If you are long off PMO then even hookers would be OK. Hopefully you still have that job. example time to learn: 3 months at once a week Then if you have social anxiety it's time to work on that. example time to learn: 1 year Then girls. etc 1) Keep It Simple Stupid - my favourite acronym. Don't do nothing but seriously don't overload yourself and underestimate how big these things are. Maybe you can work + get properly into gym + bi-weekly PMO but as soon as you add in talking to girls (anxiety drain) or rebooting (willpower drain) you're facing burnout. Your focus should NOT be spread out. Only add things once the things you're doing are more manageable 2) You should also be thinking in terms of years. 5 years is a small price to pay for the changes you want. It's hard to envision 5 years in the future, kind of feels like your whole life but only because it's difficult to think on that scale. Trust me when I say looking back, 5 years is not that long if you make the right moves. Even for me right now 5 years into the future feels like an eternity but I don't have currently have a reason to think that big. I can't find where you said you're suicidal, only cham mentioning it, but frankly I'm sure it seems like a viable option as it did for me. But try to see the true reasons behind that feeling. Chances are it's because it feels like things will never change. Is that really the case, even when you think 5 years ahead at 1 big problem per year? If all you manage to get done in the next few weeks is get a new job and get on Stronglifts you have done 100% of what can be expected and is required for you at this point to be who you want to be in a few years. Life is not a war. It's a series of small battles. We can fight battles but not wars.
WOW! I haven't been on in a long time! To everyone that posted in the interim, I'll get to your posts individually at a later time, but for now -- an update! Life has been...dull/unable to put in words. The feeling, I mean. I cussed out my supervisor at my job and...as you could probably imagine reaped the repercussions. I'm in limbo right now and am thinking of joining the army to get TF away. Tried therapy for a while -- it was working sort of but for some reason, I wasn't getting practical steps. I liked expressing my deeper feelings for someone to listen to and express no judgement but...I needed something more corporeal. Tried the medication stuff, stopped it. All I do now is exercise (actually -- yeah, thats about it...even at the factory, all I did was lift heavy shit then go to the gym) -- lot of running nowadays. Looked for a job, did a million and one applications -- got no response. Said, "Fuck it. One of my boys just joined the army, I might as well too. I need to change my life or something." That's been about it. Edit: Oh yeah, porn still sucks.
Hey man, you know that I m watching your progress...though I have ambiguous thoughts about the army, my brother is in the army, and it did change his life around. If you think that it is the path for you, then I support your decision. Keep us posted.
I'm a year and a half late; sorry man. What you typed resonates deep as I am doing what you suggested. I haven't made a five year plan yet, but I'm working towards it. I'm slowly tackling the things I lack.
To Cham: Life has been hard, but its better than it was last year; that's for sure. I still lack confidence in a few things, but I'm getting better. I don't feel nihilistically hopeless anymore so that is a tremendous plus. Porn addiction is still lurking; the damn thing feels like mental masturbation at this point. The biggest thing I'm learning about myself right now is how resistant to change I can be -- it is so uncomfortable.
Hey man good to see you trying to take control of your life. Porn numbs us in a lot of ways. It removes us from the reality and excitement of life. Giving it up is definitely going to help you connect much more with life. Wish you the best.
I wish I had read Hogus’s reply last year. Need to work on a few issues at a time, or else we’ll burn out.
Hope that everything is going well man, seems like you have been going through some tough times. Hold on brother.
Hey man, I'm alive and kicking. In a "haze" of post PMO clarity, I have realized I have a tendency to make catastrophic when I fuck up. I have a lot of fears I still deal with despite not outwardly looking like it. On the outside, I've come to realize I appear confident and friendly to others despite the fact that I feel seriously fucked up on the inside. I do not feel grounded anymore in regards to life philosophy. I just...idk.
So I moved to a new place a few weeks ago as part of my job. Some coworkers that I knew in passing moved along with me to this area. At 26 (Been on here for 7 years...wow), I'm one of the oldest guys who made the move. Everyone else is barely/very early 20s. I'm not sure what's going on, but I've noticed a distance between me and a few of the guys. I've tried repeatedly to extend the effort to be amicable and become a part of the friend group, however, I haven't been met with the same enthusiasm at all from the guys who live more closer to me. Its a group of 3 other people who all met each other at our previous work station (we all met around the same time...actually its a group of about 8 including me but the 3 other guys live most close to me), but I suppose they hung out more exclusively with each other than me. I've come to realize that these people are only cool with me on their own terms: Since the oldest of these 3 is 20, I'm the only one that can buy alcohol. And they only hit me up when they want something. If I call, I've noticed that none of them ever really answers, or texts back if I text. I've caught on to this very early on in the move, and though I'd like to be friends considering we've all moved to an area that is new to all of us; I am not a child. It feels pretty disrespectful that I'm the only one making an effort here. I understand that they are closer to each other than they are to me, but damn. At least call or text back; don't be fake when I see you in person. Fuck it.
I also realize I'm a pretty sensitive dude so it could really just be me reading too much into this stuff. I'm just really frustrated since I've been extremely lonely for almost 10 years (and I relapsed too lmao). I'm really scared though, man. The best way to describe this feeling is that of being "stuck". Like, where is the fluidity in my life? I fucking hate it. In my life, I was only particularly joyful when I was a child, and for a very brief time when I was 18 years old and got on anti-depressants for a few months. It was such a short time in my life but I have never been happier ever since. Everything was fluid, I could do whatever it was I put my mind to and magnificently. I could focus extremely well too. Haven't really felt right ever since. I pretty much have nothing positive to say whenever I'm on this website. No one really knows how much anguish I am in. I have seen so much changes in the 8 years since I was 18, but I don't know if I've ever really changed. I'm a lot stronger mentally though, I feel. See, though this post is all doom and gloom, I have experienced moments of peace in my life, however -- like not feeling depressed at all, but not feeling nothing. And not in a bad way either. I have missed out a lot in my life so far. I thought certain things were pressing, but repeatedly I've seen people who survived/got over things that I thought were serious. Maybe I'm just built different, though. My childhood was cultivated in an environment of fear and I don't blame my parents for it because they were just trying their best with the lack of knowledge they had with me being their first child in a country they weren't from. I'm really trying to grow past my insecurities, but sometimes I really feel like it's hopeless. I also don't know what it feels like to love another person aside from my close friends and parents. But in regards to relationships, there's nothing there. I'm pretty empty inside, but on the outside I'm all smiles.
