Daimon's Thinking

Discussion in 'Ages 20-24' started by Daimon, Dec 14, 2012.

  1. Daimon

    Daimon Member

    It's safe to say this shit doesn't kill my libido...not completely anyway. Once its out of my system at the end of the day, I can still get horny. I found out today when I looked at a pic of a model, then progressed into hours of edging then finally busted a few minutes ago. My flaccid state when on the medication is arguably child-like (>_>), but when its out of my system, its back to normal. I hadnt watched P for several weeks this time, but in a haze of frustration found the temptation again. Oh well...I hope Im not like paranoid AF tomorrow 'cause this session was pretty bad. I hope the adderall doesn't build on any anxiety I may have when I go to school.

    Lord, protect me.
     
  2. baywalker

    baywalker Active Member

    Hey man, I think it will be fine. I believe you had the temptation of curiosity. Now you know, and it's out of your system (metaphorically).
     
  3. Chammorrow

    Chammorrow Member

    I'm not too familiar with medications, pills, etc...I actually have a disdain for them, but I think that you don't become too dependent on them, you should be fine.

    My friend whose been taking some medication is functioning a lot better now than before, but he doesn't indulge in the medication too much, and only uses it when he absolutely needs it. I think that's the right mentality to have when using these things, but again, I don't know anything on the matter, which is why I've refrained from commenting on them lately
     
  4. Daimon

    Daimon Member

    LOL, yeah. I was expecting the worst the day after binging, but honestly, it wasn't that bad at all. An addiction is still an addiction, and pills can't magically make a problem go away.
     
  5. Daimon

    Daimon Member

    It's all good, bro. I can honestly understand why you dislike them. I hadn't really realized how "out of tune" I was with my environment...I knew I could be a bit "off", but damn, I realized that it would seem as though other people that have relatively "good" attention spans really perceive this world a bit differently. I realized when I was working on a math problem how key attention really is to grasping a concept -- one could have potential to be highly intelligent, but because of a lack of attention, he or she may really miss vital bits of information.

    However, the medicine I'm taking is actually rather weak in its affect on me. I only feel "slightly" more aware if that makes any sense and its effects only seem to last an hour and a half at the most making it somewhat ineffectual.
     
  6. Daimon

    Daimon Member

    In other news...my friend Cam who I've mentioned on this journal (towards the end of page 14 in my journal) in previous posts passed away today....I feel.......sad.
     
  7. Robane

    Robane Member

    Sorry for your loss man. Hang in there..and don't get too depressed.
     
  8. Chammorrow

    Chammorrow Member

    My condolences man, I know how it feels to lose a peer. Stay strong
     
  9. Daimon

    Daimon Member

    Thanks, bro. I'm not planning on allowing myself to fall into the pits of despair. I've been there before...I won't let this incapacitate me. His death, while tragic, is a wake-up call.
     
  10. Daimon

    Daimon Member

    Thanks brother. Cam may no longer be in the realm of the living, but the impact of his life, despite how short it was is resounding.
     
  11. Daimon

    Daimon Member

    I'm taking a break from my journal until have made some form of sustainable/noteworthy progress in my own life. As I reflect on the content of my journal, I've realized what I've written is 24 pages of bullshit (excluding the ones who've contributed positively -- thank you). Unless I tackle my fears, and insecurities, life will be worthless. Ive known this for years and have more than likely echoed that idea in some way or the other a billion times. But then, doing the same old circular pattern over and over again, being a fool. I will not allow this for myself. This won't be my fate. I met Cam at a very low point in my life, but that weird kid was helpful in e understanding that my life was worth living. It's a shame he couldn't see his own life's worth...

    I'm going to do what I've got to do to change my life. Adderall isn't working for me, so I'm going to see if I can get something better. Maybe one day, I'll find that I don't need medication to face this world, but until then....hello American Pharmaceutical world!

    Fuck the world.

    Couldn't live life as an animal, so now I'm a man.
     
  12. baywalker

    baywalker Active Member

    Daimon, you are doing great, and keep doing it man. It's always good to give a little break and make a change in your life.

    Expecting to see you strong when you get back! I know you'll be!
     
  13. Daimon

    Daimon Member

    Taking a brief pause from my hiatus to say Thanks, Baywalker! I really, really appreciate your kind words.
     
  14. Daimon

    Daimon Member

    My good friend James is graduating this weekend, so I'm going to hang out with him in TN. It's going to be a LOT of fun! I'm an introverted person by nature, but this time, I'll allow myself to be a bit more extroverted in my demeanor. He's worked hard, and as his friend, I should work hard to enjoy this wonderful event. I can't continue to be anhedonic. It's boring AF, and I greatly dislike the feeling of anhedonia. For a number of years now, I've been worried that I'll never be able to reach my peak intellect/level of clarity ever again, but now I'm quitting that worrisome behavior. I must grow. If I continue to sit still, life won't be worth living. I've been absolutely stuck in the past. Everyday, I've thought about past events to the point of nigh insanity obsessing constantly, despite trying to quit thinking about negativity.

    So now, I am making the conscious decision to become better than I've ever been in my life, and continue to progress. I cannot allow myself to fail. I won't. I have no other choice than to become the best in whatever I put my mind to. Arrogant? Sure. But so what? Life since High School ended has humbled a few of the severe Superiority and Inferiority Complexes that I held. I've been a fool. The trope of the village idiot, I embodied. From being a joker while in school, to not caring about my life at all -- I've been an idiot. Ever heard the platitude that the village idiot was simply a smart fool? Well, that was me. Naive. Full of naivette in that I thought as long as I was kind to others, they wouldn't screw me over. I still believe that people can be good, but I've become a skeptic. I'll put my best foot forward, stand head and shoulders above any opposition, and be as real as I can be. That might get me a lot of people who talk crap behind my back, but whatever. They won't have the balls to say it to my face.

    This post is not negative. This post is a statement of what is to come. I'm not going to be some coward who lives like a turtle; moving slowly and tucking his head in his shell when he feels scared. I've done enough of that already but that was when I was a boy. I just turned 21 about 2 or 3 weeks ago; I have no other choice now but to be a man.

    This weekend is going to be excellent!
     
  15. Daimon

    Daimon Member

    Wrote out a list of goals today.

    Aside from that, I'm going to spend the day studying for my finals. But before I do that, I'm going to finish packing up my clothes for the trip.
     
  16. Daimon

    Daimon Member

    Reflection time:

    I've been worried. Terrified. Petrified. Sccared out of my wits. Fearful as hell of stepping back out into the world and receiving a cold reception from people I strived to be close to. However, as I type this, I'm realizing what my mother always has told me; "You're looking for a perfect life...life doesn't work that way." As I stated in my previous post, I had once naively thought that as long as I was kind to other people, they would be receptive towards me in that manner. This was just childish. Because of that immature belief, I clung to a couple of toxic friends who didn't really care that much about me (Aside from Cam -- he cared RIP) and would be filled with glee at my downfall while projecting an outward appearance as though they actually did care about my wellbeing. I suppose it comes from the childhood desire to not feel excluded. I now view it how one kid can dangle a piece of candy infront of another child who is poor and does not have the money to go to a store and pay for his own piece, enticing and tempting him, promising to give him the candy based on several conditions; the major one being: "I'll give you the candy as long as I get to punch you first." The above scenario happens often and the child then begins to exhibit something like Stockholm Syndrome in that he begins to think his oppressor is not so bad and then begins to depend on said oppressor because that villain has what he wants and is willing to give him a treat. Basically, the kid becomes the other kid's bitch as long as in the end, he gets momentary relief from his problems (his "poverty" if you will) feeling like he is cared for, but instead is really being abused to the point where he just views it as an inevitable occurrence in his life. This is all because the victim is scared that his poverty doesn't render him capable of achievement. Kinda fucked up, huh?

    So now, I'm going to put in work to become the man I want to be. I'm kinda nervous and anxious, but I've gotta do what I have to do and that is to become an upstanding man. It's going to be something of a shock to my system I'm sure -- I'm already feeling anxious just typing this out LOL, but other people in my family have worked hard to become something great. I can do the same and excel. I'm going to prove to myself and my family that I can come out to something outstanding. This is not just my ideal, this is my vision.
     
  17. Chammorrow

    Chammorrow Member

    We must have really close birthdays, because I turned 21 a few weeks ago also.

    I don't think this post was negative at all, I think it focused too much on past stuff, but the general idea was right: BECOME THE BEST YOU. That's a great outlook, and one that I also condone. Life is tough, and monotonous, but we need to find that reason to get up, we need to find a reason to live. We can't stay stagnant, but have to improve every single day, every time we fall, me MUST get back up. We need to live a life worth living, we must serve the good in our lives. It's harder for some than others.

    I think if I had a stronger voice, if I had a more dynamic personality, maybe if I was more extroverted..maybe that would make me a better person..and perhaps I am right, but thinking about changing's one nature is futile, we must care about what we can change and improve. I can tell that you've lived a rough life, and that's why you want to prosper so bad.

    You'll do it, just keep at it boss
     
  18. Lifeisbeautiful

    Lifeisbeautiful Active Member

    Congo daimon on achieving 50+ days. Your life, in general, will keep improving as your streak gets further.
     
  19. hogus

    hogus Well-Known Member

    This might help.

    It's not your fault that you responded like that. It's a completely logical, natural thought pattern ("we be nice to them if they be nice to us" ring a bell lol) but it just happens to be completely out of alignment with how most people are.

    You know, that post almost looks like it's written for me except for the you-specific details.
     
  20. Daimon

    Daimon Member

    I'll respond to everyone who posted in the interim between my posts later on today.

    Last week, I found out some bad news...PMO'd 5 times since then. Fuck.
     

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