Daimon's Thinking

Discussion in 'Ages 20-24' started by Daimon, Dec 14, 2012.

  1. Daimon

    Daimon Member

    Re: Daimon's Lost Grip

    Indeed, while the personality type stuff is very interesting, if one started to ascribe to such things, he or she would probably start to typecast the average person into such labels (I've found myself doing this lately). While I can see some great similarities in the INFP in relation to myself, I view it as limiting as potentially it could constrict my worldview if I began to view it in a "be-all, end-all" manner -- something that I've seemed to have found as exemplary of many who posted on personality forums.

    My therapist told me that he, like I, is an INFP and states that a lot of my issues seem indicative of the problems this personality type faces....I don't feel like I'm really getting anywhere in our sessions at the moment. But, perhaps when I finally try that medication, I'll be changing my tune.
     
  2. Daimon

    Daimon Member

    Re: Daimon's Lost Grip

    Your personal life-story greatly inspires me, man. I think you're an amazing individual. I really do. I DO need to expand my circle of friends -- a problem I have is that I'm not very sure how to go about doing this. The whole "friendship" thing kind of baffles me. To me, it's like, "So...I figure out something to talk to you about. What the fuck is next? How do I keep this conversational thing going? Ah man, fuck it. I keep on repeating myself." I just don't know, man...I keep on getting pin-pointed in the direction of the kids at church I grew up with. That might be where I should look. I'm kind of low key annoyed, though as whatever "universal conscious energy" (or whatever the hell it is) keeps on "nudging" me over to their corner. But, I can't take being lonely as fuck anymore. I really can't. While naturally, I'm an introvert, even introverts need some form of social stimulation from time to time.

    I've kind of had a bit of a 180 on this medication stuff. I think that I should take it just to see how it may benefit my life. If it helps me to think clearer, then I might be able to finally utilize my intelligence to manifest something positive for myself and actually remember to do things. If if I've tried just about everything else, and that stuff didn't work out, then this might be just what I need. I've always had a fear of not being able to do things on my own, and didn't like having to feel "dependent" on something but damn it, this might be what I need to do to get my life path jumpstarted again.
     
  3. Daimon

    Daimon Member

    Re: Daimon's Lost Grip

    Y'know, my old man said something like that to me once. He said, "Boy, I've got high blood pressure. If taking medication improves my quality of life, then you bet your last dollar I'm gonna take it. There's more people than you think dealing with this kind of stuff."

    And yeah, that particular ADD forum kind of rubbed me the wrong way as I was reading a few posts on the site. Granted, I didn't read every post so I don't have full knowledge of whether or not its all bad, but some people struck me as particularly negative and it turned me off a bit from the site. While it is obvious to me that they are merely venting and expressing their own life situations, there was a small bleak sense of hopelessness that was somewhat depressing.
     
  4. Daimon

    Daimon Member

    Re: Daimon's Lost Grip

    The sidestory:

    I PMO'd pretty bad today. The video disgusted me, but was not excessively disturbing. While watching, I all of a sudden obtained a strong feeling like I was about to bust after only a few strokes. I stopped, but kept on watching the vid. All of a sudden, it was like I felt it in my brain! I tried to hold back, but then I gave in and burst lol. -_- I'm very disappointed, but I'm not going to beat myself up over this too much.
     
  5. Sound fx

    Sound fx How bad do you want it? GO GET IT THEN.

    Re: Daimon's Lost Grip

    This, is incredible, every word is extremely true and beneficial.
     
  6. High_Achiever

    High_Achiever New Member

    Re: Daimon's Lost Grip

    lol at the forum comments.

    Actually the time between my diagnosis and realizing I might had a problem, was a very annoying situation for me as well. I was also depressed. I was constantly thinking, what if the tests turn out positive? What do I need to do with my life? Now that I know I have it, I'm relieved actually. The only thing that sucks is that my next appointment is only at 28.

    I'll probably ask my neurologist if it's possible to schedule an earlier date.

    When I took ritalin for the first time, it felt a bit weird. You see my chatter in my head stopped and I could focus on one thing. I also studied on a whole deeper level. Which was amazing. I finally felt that I was using my intelligence. No more rushing through texts, skipping words etc.

    I'll keep you updated on my situation. Did you're diagnosis also included tests?
     
  7. Daimon

    Daimon Member

    Re: Daimon's Lost Grip

    You say your next appointment is on the 28th of this month?

    And yeah, my diagnosis with my current therapist included one test that I can remember (I had already been diagnosed in the past with a myriad of tests with computer shapes, etc, etc.) where I was evaluated based on how I rated myself in response to the questions. Ultimately, there was a flaw in his method in that that it has the potential to be warped by dishonest folk who merely desire to obtain a prescription, but fortunately, I'm not one of those people.

    I'm intrigued as to how the Adderall I've been prescribed will affect me. I've seen reviews for it, both good and bad, but am hoping for a positive reaction. Been going through some BS with obtaining it, though. Was hoping that the doctor who prescribed me the med would have contacted the insurance company by now so I could be illegible to take it, and...maybe he has, but insurance hasn't yet processed it apparently. I called up the pharmacy just a short while ago to see if it had gone through, but the pharmacist told me it hasn't yet.

    Gonna be calling up the doctor's office next.
     
  8. High_Achiever

    High_Achiever New Member

    Re: Daimon's Lost Grip

    Yes my next appointment is at 28. Right now I'm test meds to take away the "restlessness". These work though, so I'm definetly happy with them.

    But it's nowhere the feeling I had with ritalin. Just like you had with zoloft, my mind was very clear with ritalin as well. I felt so different! I could read in a calm manner, I didn't switch words during sentences, I felt smarter as well. This last feeling was simply because I could now focus on the thing at hand, without falling a sleep or starting to daydream.

    I usually have lots of thougts running through my head and I also engage these thoughts, which can lead me to losing an entire hour simply by engaging that thought. NOT FUN! Although I do feel there's light at the end of the tunnel and I'm really happy with that.

    I called my doc and I can't get an earlier schedule. So I'm thinking of maybe switching to a doctor who can see me quicker. I mean it's been 5 weeks since I've seen him and now I still have to wait two weeks! That's simply too long for me because
     
  9. hogus

    hogus Well-Known Member

    Re: Daimon's Lost Grip

    If you're still a bit hesitant about trying Adderall, I would suggest a few weeks of uridine UMP, high dose fish oil, l-tyrosine and cofactors (B6, B9, B12, selenium, cysteine) + l-tryptophan/5-HTP to avoid serotonin depletion.

    After adding l-tyrosine and 5-HTP I've literally had a smooth stimulant effect which after the first day where it hit me like a train, hasn't produced any tolerance. Also you saw my post about the weird boners while meditating, this regimen might have been a factor.
     
  10. Daimon

    Daimon Member

    Re: Daimon's Lost Grip

    Did you ever get around to switching your doctor?

    Man, it kind of sucks for me at this current point in time because my insurance company is BSing HARD right now. I was told to send them a prior authorization when I went to the pharmacy to pick up my prescription a few weeks ago -- so I did. It was sent on the 11th of February. I called the insurance company up on the 14th, and they told me that they had received it and it would take 7-10 business days for them to process it (>_>) if it wasn't expedited. So the same day, I called my doctor's office and asked a nurse if she would expedite the PA. She said that she would try to get to it by the end of the day. A few days afterward, I called the pharmacy to see if they had received the go-ahead from the insurance company to give me the med. They hadn't. Being curious, I called up the doctor's office and left a message that was returned the next day. The nurse told me that the office hadn't been running to well on the day I called because it had been snowing, and the office was still in the process of getting everything in order, but she had faxed another expedited copy to the insurance company. Called the insurance company that same day and guess what? The MFs said they never even received a prior authorization in the first place! When I inquired the operator on the phone to check what had happened on the 14th, she said what had happened was that the person whom I had talked to sent a request to my doctor's office for a PA. But on that day, the lady told me that the PA had been received on the 11th and was pending! WTF!! This is really some unnecessary drama. I'm going to call up the insurance company again tomorrow to see what's going on now.

    With all that being said, the clear-headedness that I remember from those meds was pretty amazing, man. I felt like I was processing things on time and my memory was much better. One of the main reasons I didn't want to go back on medication in general was that I was hoping to achieve better functioning with the reboot solely, the potential sexual side effects, some crazy trips I had when I smoked on meds (I seriously don't recommend mixing them AT ALL) and also because I didn't want to have to rely on something artificial to fit the "standard of what it means to be a mature adult."
     
  11. Daimon

    Daimon Member

    Re: Daimon's Lost Grip

    Ah, now THAT is interesting! Two years ago, I actually tried my hand at using Fish oil, L-Tyrosine, B-12, and 5-HTP -- they helped a bit when I was doing landscape work with my uncle. I actually remember having a good amount of increased sexual energy, and that, combined with yard work, and my reboot at the time (almost 3 months strong), I was at my largest in regard to muscular bulk.
     
  12. High_Achiever

    High_Achiever New Member

    Re: Daimon's Lost Grip

    Hey Daimon

    I actually switched doctors now and it's one of the best things that I've ever done in my life! This guy takes me seriously and he's specialised in ADD.

    Right now I'm on 30 mg of ritalin everyday and next week I'll have to experiment with a type of ritalin that lasts longer (concerta) to see which one I like the most. I'm also not really near the feeling I had the first time when I tried ritalin but in that period I also meditated and studid more, so I should pick that up again as well.

    I think that if I keep focusing on these things (studying, meditation which is also good for focus) then I should be able to get there and if not then i can still experiment with a higher dose of ritalin in combination with the above.

    I'm happy because I finally feel that I'm having a future again!
     
  13. Daimon

    Daimon Member

    Re: Daimon's Lost Grip

    That's great, man! I desire to feel that way again.

    Today I received word of what's going on with my insurance company and my doctor's office. The nurse finally called up the insurance company, and come to find out....the insurance company does not approve of the particular brand of Adderall I was prescribed: 20 mg Adderall XR. The only compromise was the 10mg original Adderall which I'd have to take 3 times a day (Morning, Noon, Evening). I'm very disappointed as XR is considered an "upgrade" in regard to the medicine, and it makes me think that my insurance company has an outdated list of approved medicine. But I ain't gon' trip, this is something I just have to deal with for now until/unless my insurance company updates its list, or I switch to a different insurance plan (easier said than done, I'm sure). At least I'm getting something.

    I have to wonder about the health effects taking 10mg 3 times a day may have, though. I refuse to dwindle to a stick!
     
  14. Daimon

    Daimon Member

    Re: Daimon's Lost Grip

    At this moment, I feel slightly depressed but I'm going to brave through this emotional dip. 2014 is the year I start to correct the issues in my life. I HAVE to do it THIS year! Gonna be turning 21 in a few more months. I've got no other choice.
     
  15. Daimon

    Daimon Member

    Re: Daimon's Lost Grip

    Interesting day today. This morning, I got called up by my doctor's office and was told by the nurse that the prescription I was given yesterday was not going to be approved by the insurance company again. HOWEVER, this time the nurse said that the office had a back and forth tag with the insurance agency, and finally found out what medication could be approved with said agency as she told me to come pick up the new prescription.

    I was lowkey peeved a bit at having to drive such a long distance to the doc's office (it's not TOO far away, but at least over 15 miles and gas ain't cheap) again in such a short time, but drove to the office nontheless where I was given a 20mg generic Adderall prescription as the insurance company doesn't cover brand name Adderall (>_> The company is so damn cheap lol). I obtained the prescription and drove to the pharmacy to pick it up. Was told that even THIS one was going to need a prior authorization (even though the doctor said that the med would be covered). I was pretty pissed and confused and did NOT want a repeat this situation at all, but I called up the insurance company, voiced my concerns, and they ACTUALLY approved it (And damn right, they should have. The doc said that this was a med that SHOULD have been approved anyway). So...I got the medicine. 20mg generic Adderall. Gotta break the tablet in half for the first week, and take the content (half a tablet) two times a day in the morning and the noon. After that, it's an upgrade to the 20mg two times a day.

    Took my first dose about an hour and 20 minutes ago. Seems like it's working.

    Btw: Now I'm approved for 10 years by the insurance company, so the chances that I'll go through such a tumultuous situation again are low. But I highly doubt I'll be with them for even a fraction of that amount of time!
     
  16. Daimon

    Daimon Member

    Re: Daimon's Lost Grip

    I think I experienced some side-effects last night: I can't recall if I ever fell asleep. You know those times where so much time passes by laying down in bed and you think that you might have fallen asleep then woken up w/o realizing it? It was just like that. Not sure if it was because of the medication, but stuff like that doesn't happen to me often. I can usually be KO'd in less than 20 minutes when I lay down.

    Also experienced some stomach growling. I ate some chicken a few hours after my first dose yesterday, and it seems like that's the time I started noticing my stomach acting up. Don't know what's going on here; but side-effects are generally to be expected. I'm hoping they do not persist extensively.

    The actual feelings I felt:

    After 5 minutes within taking Adderall, I started washing the dishes and put on some music (as that is a duty I have to carry out as a member of my household-- Addies had nothing do with THAT). 25 mins later (30 minutes after ingesting the pill), I noticed I wasn't having as much of a mental dialogue in my head as usual. Seemed like the "scents of things in the vicinity" became more fragrant. I marveled for a bit how long one minute seemed to be. Multi-tasking seemed a bit easier: Didn't have to completely stop washing the dishes to follow the program on TV. Commented on what was being done in the show, and then thought to myself that some things said by people (and myself too) are repetitive and loop-like in general and what I'm thinking may be highly ironic.

    A bit before I started noticing the aforementioned, I was having a mental dialogue to myself about how this stuff may affect my thoughts and how could I distinguish the influence the med may be having on me or if I should just live out the experience passionately. Keeping that in mind, I began to notice myself thinking of how much I wanted to be proud of my own self, and how much I wanted my family to be proud of me: Thought to myself that I wanted to help my uncle open up the restaurant he always loftily talked about, then about some friends I hadn't talked to in a long while, and that I should call them. Then thought to myself I need to get a planner/schedule ASAP. Felt like my speech flowed a bit faster and better too. I didn't call my old friends, though as there was a part of me that wondered if what I would be saying were things I'd never say if not medicated. Asked myself why do I always ascribe positive characteristics to rivals, and then look at myself completely the opposite (but this is a thought I've always had). So I don't fucking know. Critical Thinking Question: Should I act on the thoughts/feelings from Adderall or should I hold off because I might respond differently socially than I would have if not medicated?

    It was interesting, but I'm not going to put all of my hopes in it just yet.
     
  17. Daimon

    Daimon Member

    Went to church today, and it was CRAZY! I found myself much more alert than usual; I looked around at the congregation with hardly any effort at all. Just felt more aware. Gave some people some handshakes and was somewhat surprised it wasn't awkward at all (felt much more "seamless"). Felt like I had more to talk to people about too; reason being was probably because my focus was a lot better: I could talk to someone and completely filter out the background noise. It was awesome and pretty cool. I could hear other people talking around me and could ignore them if I chose to, focusing exclusively on a conversation with someone else. However, it seems that within 3 or so hours (maybe 4 idk), the med's effect dissipates (I usually begin to notice it after the peak which I believe occurs about an hour and 30 in).

    Now to the reboot: I'm not really sure if I feel sexual much at all on the medication...I can still obtain erections, but I have noticed I don't feel very sensitive down there. It's more like, I feel something, but it's just not that sensitive (--Allow the repetitiveness of the previous sentence to enlighten your mind LOL). I still get the odd thought here and there for porn, but it's not that big of a deal at this current moment.

    Keeping my church experience in mind, I always wonder about how different people's brains are from each other. What's going on to make someone's brain naturally be revved up, and vice versa...I know genetics and environments play apart, but WHY? Yeah sure, we could look at evolution and say our ancestors encountered situations where certain neurological wiring worked best, and that it helped to fulfill certain societal roles, but what's really going on here?
     
  18. hogus

    hogus Well-Known Member

    You don't have to take my advice but I would seriously suggest only taking Adderall as and when it's needed and not more than 3 times a week. NO-ONE has ever reported remission of ADD/ADHD using amphetamines - even though most doctors don't seem to realize it (I seriously wonder if half of them bother updating their knowledge with medical journals, patient experiences etc...), it's a way to manage the symptoms and not cure the problem. When people finish a "course" of Adderall/Ritalin they say they're even worse off than when they started. Why? Tolerance and dependency without any long lasting plastic change where it matters. Also generic Adderall is fine, it's still pharmaceutical grade and that's what matters. I would wonder if I was paying too much if my insurance was willing to pay for brand name Adderall when it's off-patent...

    As for your critical thinking question, one thing I do literally all the time and which has also helped me stop needing to drink in social situations is try to emulate your actions on x drug, while sober (or on a weaker but safer drug). So absolutely try and follow your actions as if you're high, but not actually on it. That's where the long term benefit comes from IMO. LTE got it right, rewiring 101 for anything: "But you can rewire your.brain if you reinforce the behaviors you seek and carefully avoid the behaviors you want to leave behind."
    Not sure if that works for ADD since it's a far more complex condition than fight/flight/freeze at benign social situations but it's a better shot than hoping stimulants fix it by themselves.
     
  19. Daimon

    Daimon Member

    Yeah, that is an issue I've thought about extensively. It's a real problem...ideally, I want to not have to rely on this shit but everything else I'm doing ain't working. There's a part of me that wonders if solely going the route of the reboot, struggling through awkward shit, and then finally having sex will make everything worth it partly because of the reward of finally obtaining it. I'd really prefer to proceed through such a course (as I feel its "natural"), but I've been messing up a whole lot on this reboot thing. Its a will-power problem, but its a lot of other stuff too, y'know? The thing is how can I cure the problem? Is it humanly possible? I want to believe it is. I'm aware that the meds only treat the symptoms and in the end I still have an underlying issue, but can that underlying problem ever be remedied? This shit really saddens me. I wonder to myself; "Will I ever naturally grow up?" This is a bit tangential, but it strikes me as funny when I think about it in such a vein that I'm literally paying the government to be an adult who has to live in this society and if the me without the meds is destined to feel inadequate for the rest of his life because he struggles with focus and other shit. I know I may be bitching right here, but I'm really struggling to let go of the negative shit that happened/was said to me when I was a child. I remember being about 7 or 8 years old, and a family friend who was about 20-21 at the time tried to make me do some physical work outside because he believed I watched television too much (That was a good look on his part), and when I couldn't get it, he kept on saying, "Daimon, all you gotta do is focus. FOCUS!" and all the while I was thinking, "HOW?" then said it aloud, and he gave me a bewildered look, "Daimon, why can't you focus?! You can't focus? You're a man! It's easy!" When I still persisted in not understanding, he shook his head, sighed, and said to me something along the lines of, "Daimon, I hope your parents have more kids (I was the only child at the time) because you're gonna have a hard life ahead of you." That shit confused and crushed me...I want to prove that motherfucker wrong.

    I can understand that. However, if one is out and about using his or her brain while on the medication wouldn't some form of plastic change occur? Perhaps it may not be a long lasting one, but...it is something to think about.


    I think emulating the effects can be awesome. I also have to mention; I don't feel "high" on the adderall per say, I feel more alert. I think the concept of conditioning that you're alluding to is at the root of my self-esteem problems. I remember my father used to always tell me, "Keep on trying. Eventually it will become a habit and you won't have to think about it anymore." The problem? Very, very few things became a habit. I had/have to think about just about everything. This is really where I noticed how much focus and attention span has an influential role in everything people do. And this is also what filled me with anger when noticing how another person can treat one as if he or she is an idiot when that may not be the case at all. I think ADD is a time-perception thing. There's some disconnect going on. Maybe the world is moving too fast, or the world is moving too slow, or rather, one's brain. For example: Someone reaches out to hand you a paper. If your brain is not signaling fast (ADD), then when you grasp said paper, it may look like it took an eternity to the other person, but to you; it just seems normal, although you can tell there is a bit of awkwardness on your part. Conversely, if your brain is signaling too fast (ADHD), the person handing you the paper may look like they're the one taking an eternity, and you snatch it from them. However, that could be with anyone right? This stuff is driving my mind around in circles!
     
  20. hogus

    hogus Well-Known Member

    Take that hate and let it drive you. This is really an individual thing but I've always found hate to be more effective than love for making real change. Hate puts me in the drivers seat. But you do need some love in your life as well.

    Can't really say man. Some people have managed to integrate perspectives from psychedelics into every day life but those things increase neurotrophic factors as well whereas amphetamines just get you dependent and addicted. Mental health issues currently aren't treated that well but ADD has got to be the worst of them. I know what we'll do, we'll make it worse...
    I believe the long term change comes not from what you do on that medication, but how well you manage to emulate it when you're not on it once you've seen what it's like.

    By high I only meant not sober. I even call caffeine a high just because it's "above" a sober state. But your dad was right.
    I don't really know much about ADD or ADHD but that sounds right. There's no easy way to come to terms with discrimination, slowly it will get better as mental health issues like those become more widely known and accepted.

    If you want long lasting changes, easier habits etc you should look into neurotrophic drugs (seen http://www.yourbrainrebalanced.com/index.php?topic=18719?). But ADD affects more brain regions than what you can reliably increase plasticity in so there are still no magic pills. I'd especially recommend noopept and the uridine stack. Even if the only new habits or programming you get in let you manage the problem more efficiently rather than get rid of it, it's still better than life on Adderall!
     

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