Daily journal

Discussion in 'Ages 30-39' started by Tiger, Jul 19, 2021.

  1. Tiger

    Tiger Member

    Hi everyone,

    going to be keeping a daily journal of my recovery from PMO… I’ve had some good success over the last few years but relapsed.
    I was fortunate to start dating & having real sex aged 16 & this carried on into my early 20’s…. Then high speed internet came along & my addiction to porn began. Over the years I developed a fetish for interracial porn, trans porn, cuckold, gangbangs, bisexual porn & even full on gay porn. This lead to me actually having sexual encounters with transsexuals in real life. I’ve made massive strides in the last few years & the worst days are definitely behind me. I just want to defeat this final barrier & kick PMO out my life for good!

    Day 1

    Feel very tired, demotivated, irritable, antisocial, look & feel ugly.
    High temptation to look at porn & fantasise. Don’t feel like doing any work, hard to concentrate. Short tempered.

    Did get some work done & ate well today.
    Cold shower in the morning & listened to prayers in the evening but fell asleep whilst going so.
     
    johnnylea likes this.
  2. Tiger

    Tiger Member

    Day 2

    Better day today… woke up tired but felt a little better after warm then cold shower. Did have morning wood. Prayed. Went to work & got some work done… social anxiety was high & was glad to be in my part of the building alone. Felt wiped by 2pm so came home early & had a nap. Woke up feeling better.. showered again then did some meditation. Dark circles around my eyes are more visible… voice doesn’t sound deep.
    Am intermittent fasting.. 8pm to midday.
    Read a story about a trans model so googled images of her. Played 40 mins of online gaming.
     
  3. Tiger

    Tiger Member

    Day 3

    slept well enough.. woke up feeling ok. Showered then prayed. Got to work & social anxiety was not too bad today. Got a fair bit done but still struggling to concentrate. Came home early again & had a short nap. Had a slight slip up.. went on a swingers website & looked at some pics & vids.. won’t be doing that again. Ate healthy today & stuck to fasting/eating times. Meditation in the evening was nice.. watched some TV & gamed online for a while. Want to kick the gaming next… want to spend more time growing my businesses.
     
    BoughtWithBlood likes this.
  4. dark red drifter vessel

    dark red drifter vessel Well-Known Member

    Eyo!

    Hi!

    Might be a bit of a direct question, but how does religion and the trans/queer stuff work for you? Is it mutually exclusive, is it not connected at all? Do you feel its a porn induced kinda thing or is this just the way you roll? (I assume you have some sort of religious affiliation bc of the praying, but I now realize some ppl do that just for its own sake.)

    Anyhow. Welcome to these parts, man!
     
  5. Tiger

    Tiger Member

    Hi, thanks for posting.
    I should have been more clear… I’m into spirituality & not organised religion… however the the religion I take inspiration & guidance from is an eastern philosophy that is not anti trans etc… I don’t follow an abrahamic religion like Islam or Christianity which believes homosexuals should be killed or are destined for hell. I’m just aware that my experiences or desire to experience transsexuals only happened after discovering she male porn. When I’m porn free & just going on ‘natural’ mode I’m only attracted to women & nothing else… so my trans stuff is definitely porn influence.
     
  6. Tiger

    Tiger Member

    Day 4

    slept well but need to get to sleep earlier & not lay in bed watching YouTube etc. Woke up with decent morning wood. Had a warm then cold shower, prayed, got decent amount of work done then had an appointment in the afternoon. Social anxiety was not too bad today. Am aware of how this works so anticipating a flatline any day soon. Cold shower in evening followed by meditation. Gamed online for a few hours.
     
  7. dark red drifter vessel

    dark red drifter vessel Well-Known Member

    How DARE you not be more explicit from post # 1. :3

    I find the orientation bending aspects of porn endlessly fascinating, honestly. Born this way? Porned this way!
    XD

    But good to hear that go don't have to deal with added shame regarding that. Stuff is hard enough as it is.

    The youtube/netflix thing has been my bane in the past weeks, too.

    Have a good one!
     
  8. Tiger

    Tiger Member

    Day 5

    woke up with good morning wood. Cold showered then prayed. Got to work & got quite a lot done.. didn’t come home early today. Got home cold showered then meditated. Ended up in the swinging site again looking at pics but didn’t do that for long.. will stop that. Struggling to sleep before midnight… spent an hour watching a presentation about ancient martial arts on YouTube before I went to bed. Energy levels ok during the day… flatline is imminent.
     
  9. Tiger

    Tiger Member

    Day 6

    Good morning wood after a decent sleep. Slept in today.. woke up and enjoyed a good breakfast. Got some work done. Looking to start incorporating some exercise into my daily routine… yoga seems to be the way to go for me. Meditated in the evening after a nice shower. Diet is going ok but space for improvement. Spent evening with parents & then helped my brother with something.
     
  10. Tiger

    Tiger Member

    Day 7

    went to bed late but slept well. Woke up with good morning wood. Decided to work from home today so was a bit lazy. Started work around 10…had an unhealthy breakfast.. pancakes with strawberries & Nutella. Got some more work done.. productive. Showered in the afternoon.. had a late lunch… got some more work done. Meditated & prayed early evening. Al struggling to stay off tinder & this swinging site where people share pics & vids…. Want to cut these out completely. Had a healthy evening meal… popped out for a while. Came home & watched some tv.. didn’t game today & feel better for it. Have my barber coming over in the morning for a cut & tidy up. Mood feels ok.. no real social anxiety… pretty flat libido but definitely not in a flatline… I’m anticipating a flatline based on previous runs… maybe I’ve healed enough where a severe flatline won’t happen… I’m hoping so.
     
  11. Tiger

    Tiger Member

    Day 9

    Woke up from what felt like a wet dream but I hadn’t fully ejaculated… was just prostatic liquid that was released… from previous runs this usually happens around day 11 of going cold turkey. Feel like I’m teetering on the edge of a flatline which usually kicks in around days 14-21.
    Had a very busy & productive day at work but was wiped by 3pm so came home & slept for a while. Got up showered & meditated then headed out to meet some people then do some work. Haven’t games for 2 days now & feel better… going to give gaming a miss from now. Need to work on my sleep time.
     
  12. Rudolf Geyse

    Rudolf Geyse Well-Known Member

    All the best for your journey @Tiger and nice work on a good start.
     
  13. Tiger

    Tiger Member

    Day 10

    flatline is here! Woke up with no morning wood… felt tired & half dead. Struggling to stick to cold showers & diet plan. Got some work done today but was exhausted by the afternoon.. had a nap before doing some more work. Showered & meditated in the evening. Struggling to sleep on time despite knowing I should… need to stop self sabotaging & really out positive changes into practice.
     
  14. Tiger

    Tiger Member

    Day 11

    flatline! Woke up feeling drained & braindead. Struggled with low energy all day… migraine like headache. Had to sleep during the day. Found it hard to concentrate on work… irritable, look like shit, feel like shit, dark circles around my eyes are more visable, dead dick, bad social anxiety. I know this is the storm that I need to weather… have to just suck it up & make it through 1 step at a time.

    things I’m going to change;
    get bed by 10pm
    Wake up early & meditate
    Start to exercise a little
    Stick to my diet & eating times
    Use my phone less
    Get back to be as natural as possible
     

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