Daily Journal - Time To Actually Try

Discussion in 'Ages 25-29' started by TimeToActuallyTry, Jul 30, 2020.

  1. Day 16

    Hey guys. Looked at a lot of porn yesterday, but no MO and even had some very successful sex with my wife last night. Dick worked like a charm, thank goodness. Not happy with myself for binging yesterday, but just gonna focus on making it through today.

    Today I'd like to share a video with you guys that really helped shed some light on the topic of addiction for me. I'll link it here (watch before reading the rest so that what I'm talking about will make more sense):

    Note: The creators of this video eventually took it down because they felt it only covered one side of the equation and failed to fairly address the physical side of addiction, but regardless, the side that it does cover is still relevant.

    At the time I watched this video, I really connected with the part about "building a better rat cage". My life was less than great back then, and I really needed that perspective to help me understand one of the reasons behind my porn usage.

    Fast forward to the present, however, and you'll see that I'm in a nicer "rat cage" than ever before. My life is pretty damn good right now, and yet still I'm struggling with this addiction. Building myself a better life only got me so far, but now I have to go the rest of the way on my own. I feel like the best way to do that at this point is mindfulness. I can't let myself forget why I want to quit or why it's not worth it to relapse, and that's a very hard thing to do. It's made especially difficult by the fact that I have to remind myself of these things many times throughout the day, every day. Maybe someday it will lessen and be an easier choice, but right now it's still tremendously difficult to say no to the urges.

    I'm going to keep trying, though. I'm going to learn more about my addiction (and addiction in general), and use that knowledge to arm myself for the fight. I want to be free of this, and I'm not going to stop until I get there.

    Stay strong, friends. Remember to keep your guard up and don't let temptation deceive you.

  2. Day 17

    Hey guys. Short one today because Saturday (woo!)

    Yesterday was good. No slip ups, and I was in a great mood all day long. I'm always in a better mood when I'm staying clear of porn since I'm not feeling like shit for giving in again or like a zombie from the dopamine nonsense. Gonna be a good weekend, I can tell.

    Stay strong, friends. Remember to appreciate the good things as they come.

  3. Day 18

    Hey guys. Feeling pretty good today. Great day yesterday, and I'm looking forward to finishing out my weekend with another one. Not too many urges atm, but then again I never really struggle with it on the weekends as much. Hope y'all's weekends are going well!

    Stay strong, friends. Remember that it will get easier.

  4. Deleted User

    Deleted User Guest

    Hey, TimeToActuallyTry!

    You Said you have ADHD and are Overweight.

    I strongly recommend you to read these two books .

    1/ The Shallows: What the Internet Is Doing to Our Brains
    by Nicholas Carr

    2/The Obesity Code: Unlocking the Secrets of Weight Loss

    Two life changing books with no bullshit in it.
  5. Day 19

    Hey guys. Yesterday was great, and I'm feeling pretty okay today. I've got that creeping urge to relapse, so we'll see how the day goes.

    I noticed this weekend that my libido was way higher than it has been in a while. I was checking my wife out quite often, and I would get decent erections without much issue, even having very successful sex twice this weekend! I also noticed that I really enjoyed having her next to me, which I obviously enjoy anyway, but in a much more physically intimate way. Like it felt so nice to just have my hand on her leg or whatever, and not really even in a sexual way. Just felt nice. I'm going to take that as a good sign that my brain chemistry isn't beyond saving. I think cutting back on (or even flat out quitting) PMO is going to have real implications for my mental/emotional well-being. I mean yeah I already knew that, but now I think I'm starting to actually feel it.

    Anyway, here's to a hopefully-great week!

    Stay strong, friend. Remember that you are capable of enacting real change in your life.


    P.S. Thanks for the support, RainMan! I'll definitely check those out. I might write about my obesity in a later journal, but part of the issue lately has been the quarantine situation and being stuck at home (another topic that I plan to journal about soon).
    Deleted User likes this.
  6. Day 20

    Hey guys. 20 days in, and I can already tell there's no going back to the way things were before. I relapsed hard yesterday, but I'm picking myself back up today and carrying on. I simply can't imagine giving up entirely at this point. Even though I've relapsed a few times already, the rest of the time has opened my eyes to how much better my life could be without porn. I'm on my way.

    I'm loving the activity on this board lately. Lots of good journals going on right now, and the post frequency seems to be trending up recently. I love hearing from you guys and being a part of the discussion, so keep it up!

    Stay strong, friends! Remember why you started your journey towards a porn-free life in the first place!

    Deleted User and Moses1991 like this.
  7. Day 21

    Hey guys. Crazy to think that I've been posting these for three weeks already! I feel proud of myself for not missing a day. Relapses be damned, it's far more important that I haven't taken a break from my support system.

    I relapsed slightly yesterday near the end of work. Just looked at some nearly-pornographic stuff out of boredom/habit. No MO or really any desire to, though.

    I haven't written a long post in a while, so maybe I'll do one now.

    Let's talk about the current WFH (work from home) situation.

    So I work on computers all day, which means I'm constantly in front of a machine with internet access for eight or more hours each day. On top of that, now that I'm WFH, I'm also alone in my bedroom (only place the computer could be set up) with the internet for eight or more hours each day. That's a lot of temptation, and even though this is a work machine, it hasn't stopped me from slipping up quite a bit.

    I've spent a lot of time looking at porn on this computer. I would even sometimes sneakily browse Reddit or something at work and look for racy/sexual thumbnails without actually opening the image. Things have gotten much worse since I started WFH, though. Now that I'm alone in my room, there's really nothing stopping me from pulling up all kinds of porn. My work has definitely suffered from this somewhat, but not so much that I'm concerned for my job or anything. Still, it's not good.

    There are two big things that I've noticed about myself and my porn habits since starting WFH.

    One, I feel like a lot of the time I'm more inclined to consume porn when I'm having a bad time with work. I guess this could be extrapolated out to any time I'm having a rough time in life in general, but specifically if I have some task at work that I hate or if I'm just bored and feeling unmotivated, then the urges start up again.

    Two, I feel like I'm missing the social aspect of going to the office and being around my coworkers. Even if I don't say a single word to another soul all day long, it's still good to have that implicit socialization just by being around people. Even though some days I don't feel like socializing at all and I'd rather just sit alone (or with my wife) at home, I know that it's better for my mental/emotional health to be around more people. Zoom meetings just don't cut it, lol.

    So yeah basically I've been struggling with WFH. Strangely, though, if not for WFH then I doubt my porn addiction would have become so prevalent that I would have thought to finally confront it. So I guess, in a weird way, my struggles with WFH have helped me get the point I'm at now where I'm actually talking (err, writing) about my problem and trying to understand it more so that I can get better. Bittersweet.

    Stay strong, friends. Remember that there's always good to be found amidst the bad, even if you can't see it at first.

  8. JayR

    JayR New Member

    One, I feel like a lot of the time I'm more inclined to consume porn when I'm having a bad time with work. I guess this could be extrapolated out to any time I'm having a rough time in life in general, but specifically if I have some task at work that I hate or if I'm just bored and feeling unmotivated, then the urges start up again.

    This is natural tho, it's how we all started out, maintained and then realised our problems. Make sure you just keep recognising when your mind drifts, when it seeks out that brief, ultimately unsatisfactory kick. Make sure too not to judge yourself. Let that urge arrive in your mind, then let it pass. Just tell it "ok". It'll probably come back again and again but that's just the wiring in your brain firing off cos that's what it's used to.

    If the lack of it makes you feel stressed, or worse anxious, take a 5 minute time out and remember what you're doing and why. Then be happy cos you resisted another relapse!

    Also if your desk etc has become a "place of porn" then maybe move it around whichever way you can. When you feel more comfortable with these urges, rearrange your desk or whatever, buy a new mouse or something, put a poster up. Make it different and make it a new you desk. Make it a little bit of new start. It might also help you focus and make it a workspace where there isn't time for a bit of P or M or O.
    TimeToActuallyTry likes this.
  9. Moses1991

    Moses1991 Member

    I have been trying to quit for 5 years, and my streaks never made it over 30+ days until I realized it's a porn addiction, but it's not about the porn.

    There is something else pulling you toward it, and you have to figure out what it is. The only way to quit is by going on a long personal journey.

    But don't look at it like an unbeatable monster. I personally like to see it as a challenge.
  10. Day 22

    Hey guys. Relapsed again yesterday. I think maybe I'm just not taking this as seriously as I was in the beginning. I'd like to change that. I need to remember that PMO isn't just some thing that I can do to entertain myself. How easily I forget in the heat of the moment that I have lost thousands of hours to this addiction. When I really think about how much time I have on this earth and how much of that has been spent on the pointless, empty, soul-draining pursuit of dopamine highs, it's honestly really heart-breaking. That's what I need to remember whenever I feel an urge. I need to remind myself just how bad things have gotten and that it's just not worth it.

    Anyway, hopefully getting my shit together soon. One day at a time, right?

    Stay strong, friends. Remember why you're doing this-why you need to do this.


    P.S. Thanks JayR and Moses1991 for the support. You're both right about the porn being a symptom, not the cause. I definitely use it as an escape from negative feelings, and it's hard to stop myself and convince my brain that it doesn't need to escape. I need to try and remember that next time I feel the urge. I need to try and remember that it's never worth it.
  11. Moses1991

    Moses1991 Member

    If you have been knocked down 1,000 times, get up 1,001 times.

    for as long as you are willing to try and practice, you will get better. Read material on psychological health, not just nofap.
    TimeToActuallyTry likes this.
  12. Day 23

    Hey guys. Make that 1,002 times, I guess. Relapsed again yesterday. Man, this has just not been my week.

    I think part of the problem is that I ran out of juice from the initial motivation wave. A lot of that juice came from researching more about porn addiction and really coming to terms with how everything I was learning about it fit my situation so perfectly. I think today I'll use any "I'm-bored-so-I'll-slack-off-for-a-few-minutes" time to do some more research about addiction and try to regain some of that drive. I realize that motivation is a fleeting resource, but giving my issues a name helps to give me some perspective. I figure that the more I learn about addiction (and more specifically, my addiction), the more equipped and driven I will be to fight against it.

    Furthermore, I've always been interested in addiction ever since I started to realize that I might be suffering from it myself. Maybe this is my opportunity to work towards becoming an expert on the subject. It's somewhat of a nebulous area, and from what I have read, it's not yet completely understood. Still, science has done a lot to uncover what addiction's all about, so I should really be taking advantage of that.

    To be clear (and this is not a slight against you, Moses1991, just thinking about this cuz you used the term), I'm not talking about "nofap". I'm talking about real, science-based addiction literature. From what I can tell, "nofap" is mostly a bunch of men hoping that abstaining from masturbation for long enough will somehow make them into irresistible sex gods, which is absurd and unhelpful to those with real porn addiction problems. (Obviously not everybody who follows "nofap" feels that way and I'm sure it has helped some people blah blah disclaimer blah.)

    I also feel kind of weird at this point. It's like, yeah I'm posting every day, but lately most of my posts have been relapse posts, so like I feel weirdly flaky, if that makes sense. I feel like I just keep doing the same harmful things and then coming back to this journal like "okay I messed up but for real guys this time for sure!", only to mess up again the next day. I know that this is a flawed perspective on things, but I still can't help but feel that way. I am going to keep trying, and hopefully I can get over that negative voice in my head that's saying "You'll just mess up again like always. Nobody really thinks you're going to get better, and neither do you."

    Stay strong, friends. Remember that your failures do not define you.

  13. Bilbo Baggins

    Bilbo Baggins Well-Known Member

    Hey J,

    Good luck on your reboot. Reading your first post reminded me of places I have been: I also had no internet for a few months ten years ago, and did the same thing as you. I would go to a McDonald’s or a coffee shop to load porn videos, then go back home to fap. Happily, I am able to laugh about this today. But man, things we’ve done...

    You are not alone, man. Take care.
    TimeToActuallyTry likes this.
  14. JayR

    JayR New Member

    So that negative voice is the issue. That's what's causing your relapses. Just acknowledge it when it comes in. If youre noticing it's there all the time then maybe get therapy to help, or find some good techniques to get rid of it. Otherwise youre gonna focus exclusively on the relapses and then reading about how bad it is and you'll end up feeding that negative voice with shame.

    Recognize it for what it is: just a thought! Don't act on it. If you feel crap after, let that pass as well. Take some time to notice how you're feeling. It's all valid. Then move on to what you need to do next in your day.
    TimeToActuallyTry likes this.
  15. Day 24

    Hey guys. No relapse yesterday! Yay! Gonna be a good weekend, I can tell.

    Short one today because it's Saturday. Pretty proud of myself for how I handled things yesterday. I had many urges, but I just recognized them and let them pass me by. Passively dismissing thoughts like that is definitely a skill that takes time and practice to master, but I'm working on it.

    Stay strong, friends. Remember that it will get easier.


    P.S. Thanks for the empathy, Bilbo Baggins. Yeah it's definitely laughable some of the things I've done in the past to get my jollies haha.

    P.P.S. You're so right, JayR. I'm trying to get more in tune with my emotions, and learn to recognize when negative ones come up so that I can deal (or intentionally not deal) with them appropriately. Gotta let that negativity just pass me by.
  16. Aussie_lad_23

    Aussie_lad_23 Taking it one day at a time...

    It's f***ing terrifying when you realise how much grasp your addiction has on your own mind. It's like you slipping into a trance/blackout and once you have PMO'd you instantly snap out of it.

    TimeToActuallyTry did you seek to understand the triggers that lead towards this relapse? Two weeks is a great start, push on and try again!

    This is true.
    TimeToActuallyTry likes this.
  17. Day 25

    Hey guys. Still goin' strong! Great night last night, got real drunk with my wife and watched Parenthood (great show). Gonna go hang out with a friend this morning and pick up some McDonald's for breakfast (I love McGriddles so much, don't judge lol).

    Anyway, short one today because it's Sunday. I'm feeling good, and I think this upcoming week will be much better than this past one.

    Stay strong, friends. Remember to spend time with the ones you love.


    P.S. Aussie_lad_23, thank you for the support! You're so right. The trance-like state I go into when I PMO is what led me to think I had some sort of split personality disorder back in second year of uni. It's like I become an entirely different person. Scary. As for the triggers, I think a lot of the time it's just a matter of feeling shitty and then my brain is like "hey wanna feel not shitty for a while?".
  18. Day 26

    Hey guys. Feeling good about this week. Monday's can be pretty rough, since there's a sort of dopamine decline coming off of the weekend, but I'm just going to push through it.

    Don't really have much to write about today. I'm just going to do my best to stay focused on anything but porn today.

    Stay strong, friends. Remember to stay mindful of your urges and just let them pass you by.

    niskanen91 likes this.
  19. Day 27

    Hey guys. Worst relapse in a very, very long time. I actually got the idea in my head yesterday to wake up early today and spend several hours PMO-ing before starting my day like normal. The worst part is, I felt powerless to stop myself from following through on that plan. Even now, I feel numb to the whole thing, but I recognize that it was bad. I am not okay.

    I think I need to actually take some action instead of just passively "trying" to change. For one, I could make myself a schedule for the workday so that I don't get bored and end up seeking out dopamine hits. Additionally, I could force myself to listen to music the entire time that I'm working since that seems to help me focus.

    Furthermore, I think I need to get some of my eating habits back under control. I feel like dopamine is dopamine, and substituting porn for another source of dopamine (such as binging on unhealthy food when I'm feeling down) isn't going to help me get better. I need to live at a "normal" dopamine level long enough that my brain adjusts to that new baseline. I don't think that necessarily means depriving myself of anything enjoyable, but I do think it means I need to heavily regulate dopamine sources so that I'm consuming dopamine in careful moderation.

    I can't keep doing this, guys. I just can't. I need to get better.

    Stay strong, friends. Remember that talk is just talk without action behind it.

  20. Day 28

    Hey guys. So yesterday was rough, but interestingly after my morning binge I had a pretty okay day. Work was fine, if a little distracted, and I had a lovely evening with my wife afterwards. Even had some pretty successful sex despite having had a huge PMO session early in the morning.

    Feel kinda shitty today, like physically. Nose is all stuffed up and my head is pounding. In a way, headaches (which I get often enough) are a sort of natural deterrent from PMO-ing for me. I know that O-ing with a headache will just make it so much worse that it's not even worth it. I'll remain vigilant, but I doubt that I'll have any issues with any of that today.

    Stay strong, friends. Remember not to let your brain fool you into thinking your porn addiction is "no big deal".


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