Daily Journal - Time To Actually Try

Discussion in 'Ages 25-29' started by TimeToActuallyTry, Jul 30, 2020.

  1. DAY 1

    Hey guys. Not really sure how to start writing a journal like this, so I'm just going to muse for a bit.

    First, a cursory overview of the main character in this story. I am a 26-year old, ADHD, obese (though admittedly not as badly as before), white, English-speaking Canadian with an Engineering Degree, a wife (love of my life and we've been together for over a decade), a good job in my field, and a crippling addiction to pornography.

    I think at this point I've known about my porn addiction for a couple of years. I'm 26 now, and I probably started looking at porn as early as like 12 or so, and I can even vaguely remember the first time I masturbated after getting up late at night (used to have awful nightmares so I would wake up way too early and go watch TV because I was scared to go back to sleep) and catching some basic cable pseudo-pornographic something or other.

    Throughout high school, I was still masturbating pretty frequently, and the porn was slowly starting to get more graphic and fetish-focused, but all in all it wasn't TOO too bad.

    Fast forward to Uni. To say that my life went downhill at that point would be an understatement. First year wasn't so bad, since living in dorms gave me a lot of socialization and I was still keeping up with my schoolwork decently well. In second year I moved in with some friends (three girls and one boy, so a pretty packed house), but none of them were staying in town for the summer between first and second year. What ended up happening is that I spent pretty much four months in almost total isolation. Oh, and there was no internet for the entire time, since one of the other housemates was going to set it up once they got back for the school year.

    I'm positive that the months of isolation messed me up pretty badly for a long time afterwards, and really contributed to the downward spiral into my porn addiction. How did I sustain a porn addiction with no internet? Well sometimes I would go to campus, pre-buffer some porn videos, then go home and watch them since they were already loaded. Looking back on it, it was honestly pathetic and I wish I could go back in time and give past-me a hug and tell him that he's not as alone as he feels.

    Second year of Uni was unequivocally the worst year of my life. I stopped going to classes entirely, basically lived in my bedroom, and P+M'd multiple times per day every single day (when I wasn't overeating pretty much just pizza all the time, but more on that in another journal). I withdrew away from my friends, and only recently have I actually reconnected with one of them.

    I wound up failing the school year, losing my girlfriend of ~4yrs, and had to write an appeal to the Dean basically begging him to let me retake the year. He did, and things definitely got a bit better from then on, but still here I sit five-ish years later with a porn addiction that has been my constant companion for as long as I can remember.

    I could go on, and there's so much more I want to talk about that contributed to the development of my addiction, but since this is going to be a daily journal I think I should save some for later. I just wanted to touch on second year of Uni since it was a definite turning point for the worse in my journey with porn.

    As of yesterday around lunchtime (actually my work lunch hour, since I was P+M-ing during work hours now that I'm WFH), I am on my first official hopefully-peer-supported reboot. I don't have a set timeline for how long I want the reboot to last, since ideally I never touch the stuff again (fingers crossed, right?), but I do have a goal of writing at least one entry on here every single day if possible.

    I'm going semi-easy mode, in that I will be abstaining from all porn and masturbation but I will continue to have sex with my wife because I believe that's healthy all around and also she doesn't know about my addiction (in fact, nobody else does besides myself and now you guys) and I currently have no plans to tell her.

    That's it for me. Sorry it ran a bit long. I've never had a journal before, and I guess I have a lot more to say than I expected. I'll see you guys again tomorrow. Cheers.

  2. UK Don

    UK Don Active Member

    Congrats on joining the forum and best of luck in overcoming your addiction! I think you'll find, as I have, that the accountability and space for self-reflection offered on this forum will be of great help.
    TimeToActuallyTry likes this.
  3. Day 2

    Hey again, guys. Day 2 is here! I'm already feeling a kind of positive peer pressure just from knowing that if I mess up and relapse then I'll have to tell you guys about it. Knowing that you will have to admit your failure to somebody else is surprisingly preventative, and it's an entirely new feeling for me on this journey. I've never really held myself accountable to anybody else with my porn addiction, which makes sense because I've never told anybody else about it. Here's hoping that this pressure I'm feeling continues to hold as I move forward.

    I'm not sure how relevant this is, but I had sex with my wife yesterday. Dick worked and everything, which is cool. I've definitely been PIED before, or at least I think I have, but it's nice to know that it's not bad enough that I can't occasionally enjoy some quality time with my girl. I really feel like abstaining from porn entirely while still allowing myself to be turned on by my wife and to be intimate with her will help in reconditioning my brain to crave that real life sexy stuff instead of those empty images on the screen.

    Anyway, I guess I'll muse a bit more about how I got here. Let's chat a bit about my ADHD this time.

    So as I said, I've got ADHD pretty bad. I've had it all my life (duh), and nowadays it's pretty well managed with a decently-high dose of Concerta daily and generally being mindful of it as much as possible. If you don't know much about ADHD, or if you think it's just like "Hey how are you do-OMG A BUTTERFLY??", then you're not the only one. It's true that I get distracted really easily, but it's also more than that for me.

    Two major pieces of my ADHD are that I sometimes (er, often) forget things almost instantaneously and that I crave stimulation.

    Forgetting things is less impactful where the porn addiction is concerned, and more of an issue when it comes to everyday life. For example, if I get up to go refill my water bottle (I love drinking water so much lol) and go to the bathroom, there's a decent chance that I will make it back to my desk having forgotten to do one of those things along the way. Another example is with people's names. I'm awful with names. I forget new names immediately almost 100% of the time, only remembering them consistently once I've had the chance to use them several times. I'll often forget to do things that I said I was going to do, so I've started setting alarms for myself when I have to make an important phone call or something like that. What's weird is I have very good memory otherwise, like overall my memory is surprisingly good for most things, but those short-term (or name-based) memories just fall out of my head constantly.

    The other issue is with stimulation. It's difficult, especially when I'm medicated, for me to not have enough stimulation. Just sitting around doing nothing is extremely hard for me, unless I have some sort of (preferably visual) stimulation. I especially hate eating without watching something in the background (hate the sound of chewing, even my own). It's been really noticeable during work for me lately. Like if I have to wait for something to load, even if it's only going to take ten seconds, I immediately get antsy and have to force myself not to go to Reddit or something. I just have this near-constant need for novel stimulation, which I'm now (as in, just now while I'm writing this) realizing may very well be linked to my porn addiction. I've only read a small bit about porn addiction, but one of the major factors seems to be the brain's craving for novel stimulation. Y'all know what it's like, surfing around porn sites, opening tabs upon tabs of images/videos, only to look at them for like two seconds before opening the next one. I feel like that behavioral reconditioning of my brain to crave constant dopamine has a negative synergy with my ADHD and is actively hurting my attempts to manage it. I'll be interested to see, assuming I can someday kick my porn addiction for good (or at least abstain from it long enough to feel some positive difference in myself), how/if my ADHD improves once my brain isn't so addicted to novelty.

    Anyway, this feels like it's getting kind of long, so I'm gonna stop here for today. Thanks for reading, and I look forward to writing for you guys again tomorrow. It feels really cool knowing that I'm not alone in this fight, and I hope you guys all know that I'm rooting for each and every one of you as well. Cheers.

  4. Day 3

    Hey guys. Gonna be a short one today (and probably on every weekend day, unless I have something I really really wanna write down).

    Still going strong, for as much as that's worth after just three days. I don't usually have trouble on the weekends, which I think is because I'm able to just relax and do whatever I want. There's no stress or anything, so as long as I'm mindful then I don't usually experience strong urges on weekends. Also, my wife likes to sleep in while I like to get up early, so I use the time in between to just chill and play video games until she wakes up. Also also, there's usually a strong possibility of sexy times on weekend mornings, which is actually a pretty good preventative measure for me since I know I'm going to satisfy my physical needs and also I don't want to PMO and like "ruin" myself for the potential sexy times by throwing away any pent up libido I may have.

    Anyway, hope y'all are hanging in there. Happy long weekend (to those of you who have one), and I'll talk to you guys again tomorrow!

  5. Battlesword1

    Battlesword1 Active Member

    Hey bud, welcome to the forums. Sounds like you're off to a good start.

    I also wake up early and my gf loves to sleep in. I usually can get a run in, eat breakfast, take the dog for a walk and shower before she even really gets moving. Getting the coffee going and then snuggling back into bed when she's half awake after all that is usually a good way to kick off the weekends. That said, don't put too much weight on the "sexy times" as you can find yourself disappointed if it doesn't happen, which could lead to relapse to satisfy the "blue balls" concept.

    Anyway, best of luck in your journey to a better you!
  6. Day 4

    Hey guys. Saturday's come and gone, and now I'm on day four of my journey. It's a lovely rainy day (as an indoor person, I love the atmospheric greyness of a rainy day), and I'm feeling good! Had some drinks with the wife last night and listened to some early 2000's hits. Good times. Love her so much.

    As I said before, weekend entries will be shorter, so let me just say that this forum has been on my mind a lot in the last few days. I just keep thinking about how amazing (in a bittersweet way) it is to know that my problems are not unique or special. My problems have already been dealt with by so many others, and they all form this web of support and understanding that I'm all too glad to be caught up in now. I'm confident that this upcoming work week will be the best one I've had in a while.

    Hope you guys are enjoying the latter half of your weekends!


    P.S. Thanks Battlesword1! I definitely know what you mean about putting too much emphasis on the sex working out. I've had times where my dick didn't work (PIED or some other reason), and it's hard not to ride the resulting disappointment all the way back to a relapse. I really appreciate your support, and I hope you feel that same support coming back to you in return <3
    UK Don and positivef like this.
  7. Day 5

    Hey guys. Another short one comin your way since today is technically still part of the weekend for me. Great day yesterday. Basically just chilled inside with my wife all day. Had some sexy/porny thoughts creep in throughout the day, but I was able to just push them too the side and move on.

    Accidentally left my weekday alarm on, which is why I'm up at 5am lol. Hope you guys have a less-sleepy day than I'll probably have.

    Remember, we're all in this together. If you can, you should take some time and read some other journals this morning, maybe even respond to one. Keep strengthening the network of support, and we'll all reap the benefits.

    positivef and UK Don like this.
  8. Day 6

    Hey guys. Nearly a full week of posts done! Still going strong. Felt a lot of temptation this morning, but I'm learning to recognize them and let them pass instead of giving in. Excited to hit the one week mark!

    Time for me to pour some thoughts out into this thread again. Maybe today I'll write a bit more about second year of uni.

    If you read my first post, you already know that it was a very bad time for me. First year was alright, but I was still definitely struggling with the newfound freedom of living away from home. I was truly free to do whatever I wanted in my free time. I made some friends in my dorm and went to some of my classes and overall had a pretty good year. I was still kind of building my social skills, so looking back it sometimes seems rough how inept I was at communication, but I'm a pretty charming/funny guy so I did alright. I could talk more about first year, but there's not too much to say honestly. Second year (and the summer between first and second year) was much more important in my life and to the development of my porn addiction.

    So as I said before, I spent the ~four months of summer between first and second year pretty much in total isolation. I worked nights and had exactly one friend who I would occasionally go out and see, but honestly it was just because he had internet and I didn't so I would sometimes just go over to his place to mooch some. Being alone in a big student house like that for months, I was pretty much just overeating, playing what few video games were available to me with my crappy hardware, and masturbating. There wasn't even much access to porn since I had no internet, but that didn't stop me from finding reasons and ways to masturbate. It's also tough being alone for that long, so anything that could make me feel good in some way was a welcome escape from that feeling.

    Things didn't get better once my friends moved in after the summer, though. After all that time alone, I was basically socially useless. I felt so weird being around people again, and I started to withdraw further inward instead of pursuing the socialization that I so desperately needed. I now know that that's kind of just how I am as a person, like I benefit a lot from socializing even though I don't always feel like it. It's just plain healthy, and crucial to my mental/emotional well-being. I didn't really know that back then, though, and I wound up becoming somewhat of a hermit. I basically just stayed in my room all the time, ordering food instead of grocery shopping and avoiding human interaction. I stopped going to classes entirely and only went to campus when I needed to go to a lab or exam or something. My friends grew very distant from me, and I sometimes felt like a stranger in my own home. I got into fights with them over stupid things, and wound up pushing them further and further away as the year went on. All the while, I was trying to maintain a long distance relationship with my high school girlfriend (who is now my wife of over two years, so that worked out eventually).

    So anyway things kept getting worse and worse as second year went on. Final exams came along, and it was at like 3am the night before one of my exams that I realized something. I had been cramming all night long because I literally didn't know any of the material from the course, and I got to the point where it became clear to me that I was never going to pass this exam. I was going to fail this class, and probably most of my other classes too. I stopped studying and started looking into what I would have to do to repeat the year. I ultimately applied for a Dean's Waiver basically begging the school to let me try again. I got it in the end, but at a price. My girlfriend was very, very upset because she had no idea I was failing at all (remember, she didn't, and still doesn't, know about my porn habits), let alone the entire year. She broke up with me. We had been together for probably close to four years at that point, and she said (and I'm super paraphrasing because I don't remember exactly what she said) basically that I was not taking my life seriously. I have no hard feelings towards her about this, since she was pretty much right on the nose.

    The strangest part about the breakup, though, is that I felt basically nothing from it. I was sad, sure, but like I wasn't crying or anything like that. I just felt kind of numb. Now I realize, of course, that my numbness was just an indicator of a much larger mental/emotional health problem. I was not okay.

    I could write more, but basically after second year things started to look up a bit. I came out of my shell more, my girlfriend and I got back together a few months after we broke up, and I was going to campus/classes more often. I was socializing, doing my schoolwork (mostly), and slowly clawing my way back from the awful pit that was second year. Throughout all of this, however, I was still heavily using porn and would lose entire days to porn binges. I was also still gaining weight like crazy, but that's a topic for another post.

    Anyway this has gone on for a long time so I'm gonna wrap it up. Looking back, it's clear that second year of uni was the biggest contributing factor to the development of my addiction, and I wish that somebody had reached out to me and tried to help me. Alternatively, I wish that I had had the strength and wisdom to ask for the help that I didn't even know I needed at the time. There's no sense is dwelling too much on the past, though, so my eyes are facing forwards now. I just figured I would flesh out the story for those of you that are interested (but also for myself because this is a journal after all).

    If any of you wanna know more about any of this, then please feel free to ask any question you like.

    Thanks for reading, and I hope you all have a wonderful day. Remember, you are worthy of love, especially from yourself.

    Stay strong.

  9. Day 7

    Hey guys. One whole week of journals! It's definitely getting harder to resist the urges, but I'm still going strong! I think I had some porn-y thoughts/dreams last night, but that's probably just my brain begging me to feed it more dopamine. Sucks to be him though cuz I ain't doin' it!

    Anyway, today I'm going to wax poetic on the subject of escalation. (I guess Trigger Warning? I'm going to mention some specifics about fetishes and types of porn.)

    I'm sure most of you share the same experience with porn as I do, and some of you may already know what I mean when I say I'm going to talk about escalation. I'm referring to the gradual increase in "tolerance" for pornographic content, leading to the search for more and more explicit/niche/rare/fetishist/graphic pornography. I'm sure most of us started out looking at something akin to the bra section of the Sears catalog (if you're thinking that's oddly specific, then no comment lol), but as the years go on and we get older and consume more and more porn, the content that we require to get the same "high" tends to get more intense. I started out googling "Naked Ladies", and now (err, at least before a week ago) it's unusual for me to get through a porn binge session without looking at anything from real voyeur videos to scat porn to incest and beyond.

    The thing is, though, I'm not into any of that in real life. When I'm not shrouded in addiction brain fog, chasing after dopamine like a starving wolf after a rabbit, I'm disgusted by the thought of such content. It's objectively gross, and sometimes unethical/immoral, but I can't see that when I'm "in the zone", so to speak. That's a very upsetting thought. Back in second year (read my previous post if you want more info on that time) I even started to wonder if I didn't just have some minor form of multiple personality disorder. It honestly felt like I became an entirely different person when I was PMO-ing, like there was another me living in my head that would take over sometimes and make me do/view things I wouldn't otherwise want. I felt like I was losing time when I would binge on porn, and then afterwards I would "wake up" and be disgusted by what I was looking at and disappointed in myself for what I had just done.

    Sometimes if I abstained from porn for long enough, I would start to get turned on by more normal things, but eventually the tolerance would be driven back up and I'd be back looking at trans/gay porn or beastiality porn or whatever other depraved thing my mind could come up with. I'm not gay (I can recognize when a man is attractive, but I'm not the least bit interested in being intimate with a man irl, or anybody with a penis for that matter), nor am I wanting to have sex with an animal (like wtf ew), but it was all about that novel stimulation to get the best dopamine hit I could.

    Throughout all of this, I am fortunate that I didn't lose my taste for the real life sexual stuff. I've always been way super attracted to my significant other. Even though our sex life is what most might call "vanilla", I've never grown even a little bit tired of it. I think there's just so much more at play when I'm being intimate with my wife, feelings/sensations/emotions that porn just can't give me, which is why I'm choosing not to abstain from orgasm during my recovery, so long as the orgasms are coming from her and not me. I think having real, love-focused sex is very healthy for me in every way and can only help me on my journey to be rid of my addiction.

    For those of you out there who struggled with the same escalation pattern that I did, rest assured that you are among friends here. It's not easy to reconcile myself to the fact that I've seen the kinds of things that I've seen (with my hand on my dick, no less), but I just need to remember and remind myself that who I am when I'm PMO-ing is NOT who I am as a person in real life. The same goes for you, too.

    We are not dirty. We are not disgusting. We are not perverts or creeps or deviants or anything like that. We are good people struggling against a bad situation. We are beautiful, strong, committed people who are deserving of love from others as well as ourselves. We are committed to fighting against this addiction, as evidenced by the fact that we're here on this forum right now.

    If you're reading this and you're feeling like you're not good enough for this or that or anything, then I'm here to tell you that you're wrong. I put "We" at the start of all of those sentences for a reason. Every single one of you reading this deserves love and compassion. It's as simple as that.

    Anyway I'll stop now. I hope reading this has helped some of you in some way, even if it's just with the knowledge that your problems are not just yours alone to bear. We are all behind you, cheering you on, just as you are behind all of us doing the same.

    Stay strong, friends. Remember that you are more than your addiction, and there is life on the other side of this darkness. You can do this.

    UK Don likes this.
  10. Day 8

    Hey guys. The journal continues! Eight days in, and it's starting to get harder to not give in to the urges, but I'm still going strong! I know that things are going to get harder for a while yet before they start to really get better, but I'm prepared for this detox period because I know it'll be worth it.

    Today I'm gonna talk about something that I'm sure a lot of us have dealt with: lying. More specifically, I'm gonna talk about lying to others and lying to myself.

    I've been lying to the people that I care about for as long as I can remember. By not telling my wife about my addiction, I'm lying to her pretty much daily. I hide my porn habits from everybody, always consuming it in private and being extra super careful to never get caught. My wife knows that I masturbate, and she probably figures there's some porn involved, but she has no idea the true extent of it.

    It's more than just lying about my addiction, though. I also have trouble letting people in on how I really feel when I'm upset. If I'm sad, angry, or feeling any negative emotion, I tend to just say "I'm fine" and wait for it to pass. I'm not the best at expressing my emotions or even understanding them as they happen, but still I feel like lying about them all the time is probably not healthy.

    I think part of it is that I don't want to burden others with my problems (I'll probably talk about how I feel like most men share this sentiment in another journal), and also even when I do feel like confiding in somebody I end up talking myself out of it with thoughts like "Come on man your problems are not that bad like you'd just be whining if you told your wife about them and she would know it too and probably tell you to suck it up and that would make you feel worse so just don't bother."

    I know my wife, and she's the most caring and nurturing person I've ever met. I know she'd be compassionate if I came to her when I wasn't feeling great and explained what I was going through. Hell, she'd probably even be supportive if I told her about my porn addiction. In the past, whenever I have opened up to her and explained how/why I was sad, she's been great and always tries to hear me out and then lift my spirits however she can. She's wonderful like that.

    But still, I lie to her. I'm probably going to continue to lie to her for the foreseeable future, too. I also feel like if I told her then she would try to tiptoe around any potential triggers or something like that, and thinking about that goes back to not wanting to burden others with my problems. I feel like this is my cross to bear, even if I know she would jump at the chance to stand at my side and bear it with me.

    Maybe someday I'll tell her about all of this, but not until I'm in a better place with it. Someday, when I'm living a life free from the shackles of this addictive behavior, maybe I'll sit her down and share all of this with her; show her the journey I took, and apologize for not letting her take it with me. Not yet, though. I feel like I can't bring her into this until I know my journey is complete, or at least far enough that I feel like she can be proud of me and forgive me for shutting her out of this part of my life.

    I also lie to myself. For years I was in denial about my porn habits being an actual addiction. I figured "yeah I look at a lot of porn but so what isn't masturbating healthy?". Even as the porn got more and more intense and the frequency got more and more disruptive, still I either ignored the thoughts about addiction or else just didn't think about it at all. I kept telling myself that it would get better once this happened or I did that, when I could have been spending that time and energy fighting it for what it was: Addiction.

    I'm done lying to myself about my addiction, but it's going to take some time before I'm comfortable with opening up more to the people around me. I think that it's inevitable that by the end of this journey, I'm going to have to learn to understand and properly express my emotions in order to become a happier person. I've considered therapy or something like that, but I just can't imagine a therapist being able to tell me something that would really make a difference. Then again, maybe that's just another lie I'm telling myself because I'm afraid to try. It's hard to tell anymore.

    Anyway, I could probably write paragraph after paragraph about my emotional shortcomings and my habitual lying, but I don't want to spend too much time on just one journal entry.

    For anybody out there struggling with the guilt that comes with lying to and/or hiding things from the people you love, just know that you're not alone.

    Thanks for reading. Stay strong, friends. I'm (and also We're) here if you'd like to talk.

  11. Battlesword1

    Battlesword1 Active Member

    I like this journaling you are doing! Keep up the good work!

    On escalation: me too. I started out finding content that reminded me of real life encounters and girlfriends I'd had. My memory/imagination for sex never really worked as well as some other people, so I needed the visual stimulation porn offered in between relationships. That eventually became my crutch and then one video leads to another and suddenly you're watching childhood cartoons bang each other or googling how to torrent a sex computer game. But I never developed any specific fetishes. Sometimes I was into black chicks, sometimes asian, sometimes lesbian stuff, sometimes MILFs, teachers, doctors, etc. It was the variety that was my issue. By the end I had to have multiple tabs open with a variety of things to get going and finishing became a puzzle of what order of things would get me there.

    On guilt: I don't have any. Porn didn't ruin anything other than sex for me. And that's been coming back recently, which is good. I didn't lose a job, relationship, money to porn. Just lots of time. I also don't talk about my feelings or issues with a lot of people, so me not addressing this with many folks is par the course for me. I also hate burdening people with my problems because they are so inconsequential in the long run.
    I think you will have a choice at some point to address this with your wife. Honesty might eventually be the best policy? only you will know how she will respond if she finds out you never told her the truth up front.

    On fighting the urges: you'll have to power through. Your brain is in withdrawal and, if you're like me, it'll show you a bunch of images from its hard drive of memories to try to give you what it needs. And you'll have to be the better man. Best way to do that is block yourself from yourself. Help future you out: block the porn sites on your computer/tablet/phone. Put it in another room when you know the urges are there and find a healthy habit to replace it (maybe exercise? Maybe cooking? maybe knitting or learning piano? something to occupy the hands and time).

    Anyway, keep up the good work. One week down!
    Moses1991 and TimeToActuallyTry like this.
  12. Day 9

    Hey guys. Gonna be a short one today.

    I definitely spent all of last night dreaming about porn. Not even dreaming about sex, literally dreaming about consuming pornography. I even felt bad in the dream like I was failing at giving it up, and when I woke up I had a moment of panic that the dream had really happened and that I had relapsed.

    It's a strange feeling, denying yourself something your brain desperately wants. I don't know if I've ever intentionally gone this long without PMO/MO (at least in recent memory), so these extreme urges are kind of a new feeling for me. On the one hand, it's a little scary how my brain is reacting to no PMO (and no P at all, either). It's like my brain is turning against me for denying it what it wants. It's kind of an empowering feeling, knowing that my brain is basically begging me for that dopamine and I'm refusing to give in. I feel a sense of control that I haven't felt in a long time. Pretty cool, honestly.

    Anyway, I'm looking forward to a nice weekend with my wife. Took the day off to surprise her when she wakes up today. She's gonna be so happy!

    Stay strong, friends. Remember that you are the one in control of your brain, not the other way around.


    P.S. Also thanks for the response, Battlesword1! I appreciate you sharing your thoughts on some of the topics I've journaled about. I definitely feel you on "just have to power through" the urges. It's so true, and it's also exactly what I plan on doing. I work on computers for a living, so staying away from computers entirely isn't really an option for me, but I'm going to remain in control in spite of that. It'll be all the more satisfying to stand right in the face of temptation and deny it at every turn!
  13. Day 10

    Hey guys. Short one today. Still goin strong.

    Dick didn't work yesterday when trying to have sex with my wife. Really sucks, but I'm wondering if this isn't just a side effect of my PMO detox. Real talk, my dick doesn't work 100% of the time anyway, but it super didn't work last night. I guess time will tell if it gets better. Who knows, maybe once I've completely detoxed my dick will work better than ever before. One can hope lol

    Stay strong, friends. Remember, you can get better and you deserve to get better.

  14. Battlesword1

    Battlesword1 Active Member

    The dick not working is potentially a result of the detox. You're probably in "flatline" in which case, you will have both emotional and physical responses (can PMS like a teenage girl, with uphills and downhills - depression and excitement - for no reason). You're brain is telling your penis what to do, and it wants porn. It will recover and get back into the groove with time. how long? Depends on the person and how much you consumed prior to the detox. But time is your ally.
  15. Day 11

    Hey guys. Short one today since it's Sunday.

    Had a lot of cravings yesterday, but didn't give in. Wife wanted to try having sex again, but I was really nervous that my dick wasn't going to work again like it did the night before. We postponed the sex, had a few drinks, and then eventually did have sex in the end. Things worked out pretty well, dick-wise. I think that being a little drunk helps with that (not just in my PMO detox state, but before that too). Probably something to do with lowered inhibitions and whatnot.

    To your point, Battlesword1, I actually did some reading yesterday and learned more about "flatlining". It sounds like that's exactly what I'm experiencing right now, which is actually great because that means it's temporary! All part of the detox process, I suppose.

    Anyway, stay strong, friends. Remember that the side effects of quitting are temporary, but the joy of being free from addiction is not.

    Moses1991 likes this.
  16. Day 12

    Hey guys. Hope y'all had a good weekend. I'm still going strong, but the urges/cravings are very real right now. I've got to stay mindful or else I'll slip up.

    I've been having a lot of invasive thoughts about porn and/or sexual imagery in the last couple of days. On top of that, I've had PMO-related dreams several times now. Each time I wake up from such a dream, I have to take a bit of time, calm down, and try really hard to remember if it was really a dream or not. It's like a panicky feeling of "omg did I just relapse omg", which is made worse by that hazy "just woke up" feeling that I sometimes get where I'm a little confused and disoriented for a few minutes.

    I've talked before about how amazing it is to know that even though my brain is begging me to seek out and consume porn, I'm still standing strong against the temptations. Another interesting thing about these dreams, though, is that they offer me a less-than-pleasant preview of how awful I would feel if I were to relapse. It's kind of a scary feeling, honestly, and it's probably a good thing that I get to experience a fraction of it after having such dreams. Knowing how bad I'll feel if I were to relapse is a handy weapon to wield against the temptation. It can be hard to remember the bad when your brain is screaming about all of the "good", so in a way I'm thankful for such dreams in the end.

    I'm sure the dreams will stop eventually, as will most (if not all) of the cravings. I'm in a serious dopamine withdrawal right now. Just gotta get through it.

    Stay strong, friends. Remember how bad you felt before you started your journey, and try to think about how great it will be to never have to feel that way again.

    Moses1991 likes this.
  17. Day 13

    Hey guys. Relapsed hard this morning.

    Yesterday I got kinda foggy and ended up sorta-kinda-halfway looking at porn-ish stuff, and then this morning I went off the deep end into full-blown PMO. It wasn't pretty. It's hard for me to appreciate this right now, but it's still been just one PMO session in the last (almost) two weeks, which is the best that I've done in years. I've removed the streak counter from my signature because I don't care about the "never doing it again ever and if I do then I'm back at square one" mentality. Instead, I've got my PMO Spreadsheet linked below that will illustrate how much my frequency is changing over time. If I can just push that frequency down further and further, then eventually porn will no longer be a major problem in my life. I just have to keep going.

    Feeling kinda shit today now, so I took the day off and I'm just gonna chill with me as much as possible. Sorry if I disappointed any of you reading this, but rest assured I'm not done yet.

    No big musings today because I'm not feeling it. Maybe tomorrow.

    Stay strong, friends. Remember, you never really lose until you stop trying.

  18. Moses1991

    Moses1991 Member

    Relapses are difficult, but remember to not get too down on yourself. The addiction is already beating us up.. we do not need a second beating from ourselves.
    TimeToActuallyTry likes this.
  19. Day 14

    Hey guys. Relapsed again today. Feeling pretty shitty. I'll write more tomorrow.

    Not gonna give up. I can't live like this anymore.

  20. Day 15

    Hey guys. Two weeks in, and it's already been brutal. Every time my thoughts turn to porn or masturbation, I can feel my brain lurching forward with excitement like a dog that just saw a squirrel. It's so unconscious, you know? Crazy.

    Anyway, relapsed hard over the last couple of days, but now I'm back. While I was relapsing, I had so many invasive thoughts of "why would you ever quit this? this is what makes you happy. this is what makes you whole. you should just accept it.". Kind of scary, honestly, but it's just a bunch of bs and I know it.

    Let's see the forest in spite of the trees, shall we? This is now two weeks and I've only had one two-day relapse! Streaks be damned, this is better than I've done in a long time. I'm not going to let the failures along the way stop me from pushing onward towards success. I'm in this for real. This is my life, and I'm taking it back.

    I'm not gonna write a whole big introspective journal entry today, but maybe tomorrow who knows. Point is, I'm here writing this now, even after my relapse, and I'm not going anywhere.

    Stay strong, friends. Remember to see the big picture and not focus on each individual misstep along the way.


    P.S. If you're a lurker reading this and you'd like to be free of porn, then please make an account and start your own journal. We'd love to have you here.

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