Crossdressing/Sissy/Femdom Fetish.. feel disgusted with myself [TRIGGER WARNING]

I have a serious issue I can’t deal with on my own anymore. I have a crossdressing/sissy/femdom fetish. The crossdressing/being feminine has been on and off throughout most of my life (as early as 10 that I can remember), but became more tied to MO as I got older. It never really bothered me (since I did it so infrequently) up until I tried nofap 2 years ago. I managed to get to 100 days after a few attempts, and to this day porn itself isn’t a problem for me (and if I ever do use it, it’s usually super vanilla).

So when I started nofap, I resorted back to the crossdressing/sissy fetish stuff as a way to release some of the sexual tension/urges coming up. Ranges anywhere from wearing bras, panties, painting nails, shaving, using a dildo and I would usually MO looking in the mirror. Every time I would finish, I would feel absolutely repulsed by what I’d done and would immediately take everything off, put it away, and actually take a shower. Yet, also have the relief of the urges being temporarily gone.


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I should mention, I never have gay/bi fantasies (even if I’m cd’ing) and it’s the actual fetishing of women that makes cd’ing arousing to me. In every other way, I’m completely normal and am fairly good with girls and hang out with male friends without any awkwardness.

Although, after I broke up with my last gf (right before I started nofap - although I didn't break up for PIED reasons or porn), I later experienced PIED/Performance Anxiety with girls I would attempt to have sex with after her. These experiences led to me developing a kind of aversion to having sex, although I'd still pursue talking to girls, making out, etc. but when it was time for my pants to come off, I would freeze up, breathing would get shallow and I would experience anxiety. A few embarrassing experiences in a row, led to more crossdressing activity to somehow experience femininity in a safer way in private - if that makes sense.

Since breaking up with that gf, I still have yet to have sex and this is beginning to take its toll on my self-esteem and making it more and more anxious-producing when I DO have opportunities to have sex with girls. This scarcity is what is causing these fetishes, I think... because I would very very rarely have the impulse to crossdress (or even watch any porn AT ALL) when I was with my gf (or any of my ex's for that matter).

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The last time I did nofap 100 days in a row, I cured my PIED 100% and regained all of my sensitivity, but it had almost no effect on the cd/sissy/femdom fetish (it may have even made it worse, because when I’m stressed/bored, I’ll engage in these fetishes instead of porn and use them to MO in substitute).

Questions I have:
- since I can remember cd’ing (admittedly very rarely) earlier in life, does this mean it’s ingrained and I shouldn’t try to repress it (even if I am repulsed by it)?

- I have no issues with PMO, but the cd’ing is a huge trigger to MO (which makes the urges subside), should I still avoid MO in general?

- is there anyone else battling these fetishes as well? This is really something I no longer want to be a part of my life, I feel disgusted with myself. Is there a systematic way to overcome this besides just repression/avoidance?

- any advice on avoiding embarrassment from performance anxiety? (don't think PIED is an issue for me anymore). I go to college and word spreads lightning fast, which is a big source of anxiety for me. I wouldn't care to mess up a sexual interaction if I wasn't concerned about others hearing about it.


THANK YOU for reading, this is a big post for me and was very difficult to even acknowledge these feelings let alone write them down.

 

Just become a transsexual if you want dude, I think that's what you truly are. It's not porn fetish. Some guys are born that way, just embrace it and become a shemale.

 

Firstly, ignore coolmusti. I'm sure his intention is to be helpful, but he doesn't even know the difference between a cd and a ts.

I'm writing quickly sorry because I've to go out in a tic.

The main thing that comes through from reading your story is feelings of guilt and disgust. The bad feelings you're left with outweigh any pleasure you might experience while doing it it.

So many people have a fetish. It isn't important what the fetish is. It's important how it makes you feel. Does it tie in with where you see your life heading? I'd say not. Some people enjoy their fetish and aren't left with feelings of disgust, so for them it's not a problem. But your fetish is having a negative effect on your life, not a positive.
Anyways I've gotta head off. Hope this helped a bit!

 

The question is.. why are you repulsed by it? I'm not saying you should go around giving in to all kinds of urges, you should inspect if they are 'healthy' or not. But there are millions of people out there with fetishes, bro.

I've never crossdressed before, but I have fantasies about getting fucked (e.g. dildo or strap-on) and I always felt shame because of it. I never really 'identified' with being that either.. because normally I'm quite dominant and I never had anything with men. But maybe that's why; because I'm always so dominant.. I sometimes need to let go and feeling like a 'sub' feels good to me. Lately I've not been that worried about it anymore.

Basically; a lot of people have fetishes. Feet, scat, sub/dom, you name it. But society has put stigmas on certain fetishes like crossdressing.. so maybe that's why you feel bad about it.

I think the first step is to try to accept that you have that fetish and try to see what kind of function it has in your life. Like I said.. mine sometimes helps me not to always be in a power struggle; just letting go sometimes.
See what your one does for you. Maybe you'll figure out how to let it go.

 

I think you need therapy to be honest. Its not normal for men to be dressing up as women or wearing grandmother's panties to dance around in before masturbating.

If it was normal then you wouldn't feel bad about it. Its your conscience telling you this is the wrong way to express your feminine side.

Do you think that you are in the wrong body?

I dont think society is to blame either for not warming to people who like eating poo, or licking someones feet or a grown man running around in his living room wearing a dress.

These are all signs of serious psychological issues that require serious assessment before you end either seriously harming yourself or someone else.

 

Its mosy likely the shame -> relapse -> shame -> relapse cycle.

The repulsion you feel is most likely a sign it is not an innate thing or something you genuinely want.

 

+1

If you are repulsed by it, it means that it is not in your natural sexuality. And obviously it is a coping mechanism. Therapy can help answering the above questions.
I used to feel repulsed of myself after using dildos and stuff like cucumbers in my ass. To overcome this compulsion, I understood first of all that this is not my natural sexuality and I also accepted it. Stop feeling guilt and disgust and accept yourself. Only then you will be free and able to stop by having more healthy coping habits.
I now no longer crave for such play. Never anymore.

 

I think crossdressing/sissy/femdom fetish is basically just a form of sex addiction. Sexualised anxiety and shame.

Therefore to recover from it, do the same things any sex addict would.

I'd recommend 12-step recovery, particularly the group SAA.

I'd also recommend reading Patrick Carnes, for example In The Shadows of the Net.

 

I think this is more to do with transgender confusion than sex addiction.

I am a sex addict and have attended meetings in the past and no one there talks about any sissy role-play fetish or cross dressing. A sponsor isnt going to be able to understand the psyche of someone who chooses to do these things.

A qualified therapist who deals with gender confusion issues is better sought after. Everything cannot be tied back to this addiction.

 

Metal, I don't think cross dressing has something to do with gender confusion. It is more like relinquishing power and being submissive. IMO it is lack of confidence and self esteem that pushes a straight man to cross dress. Taking a passive role instead of having the balls and confidence to pursue a woman.
He does not like men.

 

I've seen many men who lack confidence, hell most people on this site lack true confidence, yet I rarely hear them choosing to get their mothers dress out the wardrobe and prance around in make up.

I'm not saying the op likes men, i am saying he is clearly suffering from some sort of gender identity crisis.

 

All it means is he likes pretending to be female while being dominated. What that has to do with low confidence?

Is it normal for men who experience low confidence because they lost their job or got divorced to start dressing up as women?

 

I might be wrong. I strongly doubt it is about gender identity. CD's usually identify as men.
As Mr. Fish says it is definitely about humiliation (sissy) and about submission.
Indeed, many men have low confidence, but they all express it differently.

What does the OP want? He wants to have a healthy relationship with a nice woman, right? Being a real man and fulfilling the male role in a relationship.
But he is cross dressing compulsively. He is assuming the passive role and seeks humiliation as a coping mechanism.

 

Thanks for the suggestions so far. I just finished getting rid of my stuff and I feel a huge relief knowing I can't indulge these fantasies anymore... at least not instantly/easily. Also, it's definitely not an issue of transexualism, I've never wanted to actually BE a women in every day life, it's just the novelty of feeling submissive/attractive/etc like a woman gives me a rush when I act out. Again, I've never had thoughts of being with a man or anything like that, this isn't an issue of gender identity.

I can remember times in my life (with girlfriends for example) when I felt 100% masculine and never felt an urge to entertain these fantasies. It seems I only act them out when I don't have a girl to express myself sexually to.

So what this process will take is: enjoying life in other ways like socializing, and pursuing sex/relationship with girls -- which I've been really anxious about because of performance anxiety issues (why I've been in such a long dry-spell of 2 years). I've had many opportunities to have sex with girls, but ALWAYS sabotage myself because of fear of other people finding out about my performance issue. Overcoming this fear is my biggest challenge to all of this. I almost know that having a regular sex life again will 'cure me'.

 

I'm not sure if you're trying to be funny, or you're so profoundly ignorant that you genuinely think what you just said was good advice.

Please point me to the part in his post that shows you signs of him being a transgender who desires to transition into being a female.

This is not something you joke about, or flippantly mention as good advice.

http://www.sexchangeregret.com/Things-Ive-Learned

 

Update:

Went out with some friends the other night. Felt incredibly secure in my identity and didn't question my sexuality at all. Enjoyed having conversations with girls and taking the leading role (masculine role) in conversations.

I think this issue is going to be straightforward to manage. Since reading the replies, I've done a cost/benefit of this fetish behaviour and it's really helped open my eyes to the self-abuse it has been doing to me psychosexually. It's just not worth it when I can get those feelings of comfort from a real girl and friends in a much healthier way.

I also feel an increasing urge to MO (not to weird fantasies, but just to release tension), but doing work and exercising is helping to vent it.

Thanks for the support

 

Glad to hear you're doing well, and that some of the advice you received in this thread has cleared things up for you.

The final point that you mentioned rings true in my experience as well. Keeping ourselves occupied and exercise does wonders for keeping the urge away.

Good job TylerDurden.

 

I know how you feel man, for me i would go and buy womens underwear at the store and then masturbate only to find myself thinking about how much i dont want to do this and the throwing everything away once i was done.

I think that at least for me, i have never really had a gf so wearing women's underwear in a way made me feel like i was with a women in a way. I think that if you are with a women it may just become something that you laugh at in the future. I read somewhere that people who crossdress do it because they feel that it is right and that they are expressing a part of themselves through crossdressing. I have crossdressed and i never felt like this while doing it, it only felt like a way to get off and that is why i dont think it is innate in my or you. I think if you really do it because that is who you are then eventually you will come to grips with it and accept it for who you are, but i think if it truly disgusts and you only do it when you are horny then it will go away after abstaining and giving your brain a chance to heel

 

Thanks for the support. I'm giving another big UPDATE.

Since I started this thread I've been PMO/MO free. The fantasies feel like a distant memory, and when they occasionally do come back, I know to EXTERNALIZE them onto girls (instead of indulging them on myself). The most difficult thing to 'give up' however was the hair removal. As someone into bodybuilding, I could always rationalize shaving for the purpose of showing off muscles, but it's also made me self conscious and is probably the #1 reason I'm so afraid of being judged (and therefore having performance anxiety) when I have sex with a girl. As of last week, I've stopped removing the hair (besides normal maintenance, of course) and embraced the masculinity (which feels very 'right').

It's been almost 3 years I've been hairless, so this feels like one of the final milestones on my path to recovery. I truly feel that I re-relapsed into PMO (after having such a successful clean streak the first time) because I had to confront these final issues.

Now, I've been feeling incredible these last few weeks. Am very comfortable and have established healthier coping mechanisms without these fantasies or fetishes, now that I've thoroughly picked my psychology.

 

What the hell is up with all the negativity in your posts, man? I want to know who made you the moderator of a site for recovering addicts to come to when they need help and positive reinforcement... Your posts just tear everyone down.

Tell me, what in OP indicated any sort of possibility of OP actually harming someone??? We're all in the same boat here, man; all of us have something fucked up going on with us. Hell, we're ALL pornography addicts. Just because OP's distressing fetish is different than whatever you got into doesn't make it any worse or less fucked up than your own history with porn.

This was a cry for help from a guy with shame issues, and all you do is give him MORE shame??? It's fucked up, man. Stick to writing in your own journal, cause your interactions with others on here are a fucking disgrace.