Crichton Journal

Discussion in 'Ages 30-39' started by Crichton, Oct 3, 2023.

  1. Crichton

    Crichton Member

    Day 4

    I was very tired and just slept for 10 hours. But it felt good to sleep so long.

    Day was insanely busy and saw her again. Damn as Juan Pablo would say "It's okay "
    Fuck I think our hormones get going and you lose all frame. That's why I sleep on things. Fuck I should sleep on whether to jerk off when I feel like it lol.

    Yes sleep on whether you will jerk off or not. Then Journal and reflect on various situations.
    Last edited: Oct 13, 2023
  2. Crichton

    Crichton Member

    Day 5

    I guess its day 5 but Ive had a fuck of a time sleeping.

    As a fairly new stotic I have found it difficult for me to insert myself into embracing the worst possible outcome. The concept of me being fired today. The concept that the girl I like who I like could utterly ignore me. The concept that I could have a horrible day and die.

    But is it better to choose to be blindly optimistic even in the face of other knowledge. Because my disappointment lies within what I wanted and what happened. Which is largely outside my control.

    Let's do an excercise. For example I like a girl and believe we had something. I talk to her again and she shows signs of non interest and defense. She doesn't respond to texts. I am disappointed. Instead I should embrace and expect the rejection. To laugh in the face of it. To view the world in all its other glory and to release my wishes for another outcome than what has become.

    Oddly just doing that makes me smile. I guess its twisted in a sense because its not what I do now and it's not what we are supposed to do. She is not mine and I shouldn't expect anything.

    I could also fall into a deep relapse because of such event. Do we dwell on it. I think not. I think we accept it as a possibility and honestly the most likely on and move on from there.

    Its about embracing the unknown. Knowing that if you fucked up you fucked up. But at the same time doing your best and expecting the worst

    Stoicism is the way to go. I had something go pretty well today. But I honestly anticipated the worst. I am happy it went well. But I will never the less anticipate the worst. It's the best thing you can do. Because if it doesn't work out you have already anticipated it.

    It sure is painful though to think what could all go wrong. The plans fall apart, the wrong person gets jealous, all your hopeful thoughts are dashed. Thus she lied and you don't get invited to the group gathering because the guy was jealous. Thus you become an outcast of the group. Thus your job becomes harder.

    But what is all of that. That is the worse that could happen. The worst is she actually started dating the guy that she had friend zoned. That he told her that you basically figured out they were dating. So he doesn't invite you to the gathering and she stops liking you because you found out. She never texts or calls again or even slacks.

    But what does that truly represent. It represents the worst case and you embrace the worst so when it happens you are not upset but ready. But if things don't turn out that way then you are surprised. Still sucks but to speak it out loud and embrace it is a premeditated awareness.

    So you can simply say "It's okay" and have other plans.

    It's amazing how much emotions effect us.
    Last edited: Oct 14, 2023
  3. Crichton

    Crichton Member

    Day 6

    Rough sleeping. I think the mind is your worst enemy. Frankly I'd like to see the statistics on our attachment styles and what people are prone to porn addiction.

    I think our worse enemy is a scarcity mindset. We think we will lose something so to cope we jerk off.

    Does one assume the worst even when there are indications that it is not the worst?

    I think not, but I think he experiences the worst to prepare oneself. You do your best. Beyond that it's really out of your hands

    I've almost hit another week.
    Last edited: Oct 15, 2023
  4. Crichton

    Crichton Member

    Day 7

    I find myself mentally mastrubating (about what shit is happening) this weekend. Of course it's about a woman.

    You ever get a toxic self space? I think the key is to just accept it and take back my energy. Because everything is outside of my control.

    I keep going back to the terrified kid, still afraid to tell a girl he likes her. Trying to manipulate to get the nipple. Meanwhile my cock is dead. It's not giving me the super powers right now.

    I guess now at 36 is a time to look at the supplies I have around me and build a metaphorical house life. So much great shit I left aside because of unresolved issues.

    Well I have a great family, albeit they live in other places.
    Some great friends

    I have debt and no life partner

    My emotions are all over the place

    Feeling better I got rejected by that girl who I used to work with after telling her my fears about dating her again.

    Talking to 8 girls now. I was kinda of a dick to her but not really.
    Last edited: Oct 16, 2023
  5. Crichton

    Crichton Member

    Day 8

    Another day off spend waking up way too early. I dunno why this keeps happening. I was putting way too much pressure and it broke.

    I need to realize that it's over with this one girl. I'm using this girl as a sort of wall against other progress in my life. Quitting a lifetime addiction doesn't help. I've got major loss of appetite and sadness symptoms. I'm gonna let some sadness out and force feed myself.

    "Look I really liked you and I'm not quite sure why. It hurts and I don't know why. I don't wanna ever see you again and I do know why.

    I opened up and you stabbed me just like I felt you would. Your silence even a bigger indicator of your betrayal. I lashed out when you said you didn't like me and I don't know why. You played me, you played me hard.

    I opened up and you stabbed me just like I felt you would. Your silence even a bigger indicator of your betrayal. I lashed out when you said you didn't like me and I don't know why. You played me, you played me hard.

    Now I have to let you go. I know thoughts of you will come back and I will have to feel these again

    So if you wanna be my friend be my friend. But don't expect for me to be friendzoned like you said. I stood up for myself and it may seemed like lashing out. But it wasn't. Im simply defending myself

    I tried my best, I tried my best, I tried my best. But hey it's gonna be tough on me right not and I need some space.

    But hey, I'm not gonna make it weird. Just gonna give it time and space like before. Eventually be over it again. Then maybe we can be friends. You are on vacation, we work different shifts, and I'm actively looking so it won't be that hard or long before that.

    Haha, sorry it's easier to laugh about it than dwell. I'm not gonna make it weird. And I apolgize if I just did.

    Just gonna give it time and space like before. Eventually be over it again. Then maybe we can be friends.

    You are on vacation and we work different shifts. I'm dating others outside of work and I'm actively looking so i I can climb into that 300k area of my mentors.

    It won't be that hard or long before that. Just you know please respect that and don't look at me as some weirdo or have pity on me. It's probably the worst thing you can do for me.


    (Just give it a week before you think about talking to her again. Stagnation)

    Taking emotional dumps are good. Remember to take your emotional dump

    Truth is that this is gonna take a couple weeks. I folded under the pressure. The main concept is you always have to be willing to walk away.

    Fuck am I more hormonal? Is this even worth it?

    I got an nice haircut today and I feel attractive. I'm on day 8 and there are no bumps yet. This whole event distracted me from jerking off. Now the next 4 days should be good as I work. That will make it about the 13th day
    Last edited: Oct 17, 2023
  6. Crichton

    Crichton Member

    Day 9

    She was toxic and manipulative. Lets leave it at that

    It's gonna take a couple of days to shed this trauma and I need to be careful of relapse.

    I guess after all of it, she had simply been now trying to place me in a friendzone. Which I have never been in my life. After dating me

    It doesn't help that I'm going through withdrawals. Being lied to sucks.

    Basically she said she had no time 6 months ago but is now dating another dude. A dude she friendzoned. The tried to stick me in the friendzone. Pretty fucking nasty man, pretty fucking nasty and manipulative. Stringing ne along enough to keep me interested.

    The main thing is to let time heal it. Basically treat it like a girl who just rejected me after a date or two. So basically a girl I used to date is seeing another dude. It would have been way done if we didn't work together.

    Don't date coworkers

    But beyond that listen to your inner voice. Realize that if something is meant to work it is. If she is gonna settle for another dude that's fine.

    It's really not your loss. Just build yourself up and the pussy will flow. Which it is now for me. But fuck isn't onetisis hard?
    Last edited: Oct 18, 2023
  7. Crichton

    Crichton Member

    Day 10

    Ah damn 10 days. It's been a long time say I have gotten thus far. God is my cock filled to the brim. Trying not to think about the girls I'm seeing me off. My ass hasn't gotten that far since I was obsessed with that chick.

    I keep thinking only once. But we all know that's a dangerous and slippery slope that leads to a long week. Can't jerk off just once after relapse in my experience. So I try to just think of other things

    Best dream in the world fuck yeah...when I went back to sleep I had an almost wet dream. Damn you can hope for those but we don't have them on demand...wait lucid dreaming

    Two dates, maybe three this weekend. Date tomorrow in which there I'd a 50/50 shot of getting laid. Cock don't fail me now
    Last edited: Oct 19, 2023
  8. Crichton

    Crichton Member

    Day 11

    Slept better and had some dreams. Some good ones but not as vivid and sexual. Therefore, they weren't as memorable.

    Excited about tonight. But one shouldn't get too excited. That leads to disappointment after canceled plans.

    Trying to Dodge that Coworker.

    Luckily this week I can.

    But can't I get a full night's sleep. What's up with that? Doesn't seem fair just because of 20+ of constant jerking off.

    Highly stressed right now...just trying to get through the day

    Highly tired right now...just trying to get through the day

    Harness that energy of sexuality

    Last edited: Oct 20, 2023
  9. dark red drifter vessel

    dark red drifter vessel Well-Known Member

    Unless you want yer life to become a drama channel :3
  10. Crichton

    Crichton Member

    Very much indeed. In fact I've something new called the Colleague Zone
    They are coworkers and they never leave that zone unless you stop being coworkers.

    Honestly now that all the hormones are gone I kinda feel a little disgust. There were so many red flags. I really dodged a bullet
    Last edited: Oct 19, 2023
  11. Crichton

    Crichton Member

    Day 12

    It's hard to believe it's been so long

    I wake up feeling like shit. With a lot of bad thoughts of why I'm not shit. Toxic thoughts that shouldn't be allowed.

    Yeah that's about it. I'm feeling like shitear?

    Dating can be discouraging


    If I don't get pussy for the next year I will be fine. Frankly, I've chased it enough for awhile.
    Last edited: Oct 21, 2023
  12. Crichton

    Crichton Member

    Day 13

    Wow fuck almost two weeks. Still having issues sleeping

    I've begun to get to that point where it's fragile. My brain wants stimuli and those feel good chemicals. Yet the determination is sticking. The brain is starting to go back. But in that it craves more hits of dopamine.

    It's hard to realize I am mainly a sex addict without the sex I used to have.

    More and more I just don't get the concept of chasing it. I get the concept more and more of going after my dreams. All other shit including pussy be damned.

    Who am I to say I need the crutch of porn to follow my dreams or the crutch of female validation.

    In fact Ive learned there are a great deal of things I need to work out before I date and fuck again.

    What happens when you don't give a shit about porn, masturbation, or sex again?
    One begins to care more about themselves.

    Getting some real strong cravings today...

    Still really strong cravings

    Sigh looked at porn...restart twice in 20 days. Lets go for longer this time
    Last edited: Oct 22, 2023
  13. Crichton

    Crichton Member

    Day 1

    Damn day 1

    Fucked up again
    Last edited: Oct 23, 2023
  14. Crichton

    Crichton Member

    Day 1

    It was going good until I got the pain and now it's horrible. The withdrawals are insane. But look all we have to do is get to day 2

    Getting to Day 2 is the hardest. Well sometimes. I'll just say day 2 is the hardest if you have made some progress.

    Your brain cries our for another hit of feel good chemicals. But you either build as a man or fall apart.

    I went and worked out (Doing Jiu Jitsu). It made all the difference.

    Onward my friends to Day 2

    Last edited: Oct 24, 2023
  15. Crichton

    Crichton Member

    Day 2

    Phew first thing in the morning. Can I ever sleep past 2-4am
    Last edited: Oct 25, 2023
  16. Crichton

    Crichton Member

    Day 3

    Oh yeah day 3. I have another journal now. So that's where a lot of my stuff goes

    Look Mom No Hands

    Ah see another day Complete.

    Day 4

    Please place bets now on when I'm gonna wake up.

    I woke up at 5am. What the fuck lol

    Great day a lot done. No porn or jerking off. Let's hit 50 days family. Why thay many because then I will have know I succeeded more than any other time. Plus it's easy to see the progress

    4/50 8%
    Last edited: Oct 27, 2023
  17. Crichton

    Crichton Member

    Day 5

    Fuck I'm horny
    Last edited: Oct 29, 2023

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