It's crazy to think I attempted to journal here my detoxification from this addiction back when I was in my mid-twenties. Close to ten years later, the end of the battle is nowhere in sight, and I did not yet take seriously bettering myself and my situation in general. For a while, my only goal with NoFap was to cultivate energy and confidence solely for the purpose of finding a girlfriend - or at least have sex. Several years ago, during my longest streak of No-PMO of three+ months, I lost my v-card with a coworker I was occasionally hanging out with. The ED I experienced that night, amongst other things, squandered what could've been a jumping stone in my social and dating life. I barely have any friends any more, I don't go out at all, the feelings of sexual inadequacy and wrecked self-image are torturing me all the time. My porn addiction grew more severe, the peak of deviancy being indulgence in cuckold and autogynephilic fantasies. Funnily, that in itself does not bother me too much because it's a behavior one can cease to engage in. But chasing my sexting and erotic role-play fix, talking with certain people online, made for a sobering realization how far removed I am from the world everyone else seems a part of; pursuing partners, love and enjoyment in life like it's the easiest thing ever. I don't think I will ever understand it. I'm struggling to think of the way to remedy all the wasted time and opportunities, living like a coward jealous of other people's lives. Frankly, I'm struggling to imagine things could ever take a turn for the better. The only thing to do right now is minimizing the misery and PMO is on the chopping block.