Constant fondling and groping

Discussion in 'Women' started by Giavanna, Mar 26, 2014.

  1. Giavanna

    Giavanna Member

    Can someone please tell me why men seem to be always fondling and groping?? J does this EVERY time we get into bed. As soon as I get into bed with him, he might kiss me a couple of times, then the groping starts... on and on... whether we're planning on having sex or not. Sometimes I'm not in the mood for sex. I tell him this but he says he is showing me affection. Getting me all wound up when I need to sleep, is not fair to me. A lot of times I just feel used, like he's doing it for himself. Why can't he just hold me when we're not going to have sex? I've tried to talk to him about this, but he takes it as rejection. The last time when I didn't want him to fondle and grope me, he got pissed and just turned over. There was no loving or show of affection. It seems if he can't feel of me when he wants to, he gets upset about that, and then doesn't even want to hold me. That makes me feel bad.
    Last Saturday night, we did have intercourse and it was really good. He kept telling me how exciting I am. I understand that we had a really good time together and all, but he's been groping me almost constantly for over a year and a half. He has even said that the bed is for sex. I told him that people can have sex most anyplace but most people can't sleep comfortably anyplace other than a bed.
    When we are in the living room together watching TV, he's very affectionate. He will hold me close to him, but as soon as we hit the bed, it's all about sex. My body just seems to be all about his pleasure.
    When I've had a long day at work, sometimes I'm tired and need to sleep. I tell him that I don't want to be stimulated, as my body needs to relax in order for me to sleep. He just doesn't seem to get it. Sometimes I just feel like a sex toy. I love him dearly, but he seems to have affection and sex confused. They are not the same thing. What can I say to make him understand?? We've had several arguments about this. I'm REALLY tired of all the arguments. I'm not constantly all over him so why does he feel this need to be constantly all over me??? It gets old after a while.
    If someone can please give me some advice on how to talk to him about this, it would be greatly appreciated. Thanks.

  2. missy

    missy partner of an addict

    not sure i have any advice but i can totally relate to what you are saying, my partner has pushed me so far ive really considered dumping him, he just doent listen, only difference is its not always the bedroom could be anywhere. we are at the point now when we have decided just to go back to the beginning before we ever had sex, so just dating. its a bit easier for us as we dont live together but i understand this wouldnt be possible for a lot of married people. also i have to add that we have only just started this and not sure if it will work yet, but im feeling positive about it and he is too.
    take care
  3. yetanotheranon1

    yetanotheranon1 Keep Rolling, Rolling, Rolling!


    I guess I've had some of this same discussion with my girlfriend.

    Compromise has got to be the key. I know that my GF thinks my hands are always 'roaming' .. which I admit they are. But instead of always going for the 'goods' I know adjust the target to just a back massage, or maybe rub her neck, or just a hug. Maybe I'll do a quick feel around her breasts but if she's not in the mood I just keep moving. And on the flip side if she just wants to hug and that's all, I take that and play with her hair or something more innocent.

    Other times maybe I'll want a little bit of action but not the full broadway production, so just a few minutes of fooling around (ie heavy petting) then I'll let it go.. at least I can handle that and that whets my appetite. From the man's point of view it is a little emasculating for her not to be as interested in me as I am of her .. I wish she'd initiate more, but when that's not going to happen, to initiate and then be rejected, I too would normally react like your man did.

    We talked about it a little bit and still have to work out a good compromise.
  4. missy

    missy partner of an addict

    i bet she never gets the chance to initiate sex if your anything like my partner, that was always a problem for me he always started it and like you, it would start with a massage etc but would never end there.
  5. BATFE

    BATFE New Member

    Lying beside a woman and not to touch her , do you know how HARD it is :p But then again the tiresome jobs sucking the life out of you. For me if that would happen it would create a great dilemma between my heart and penis. After all lying few inches from the greatest thing on the planet :p But then you have conscious and you also feel pain. Would u say straight away that you need sleep and turn away from him? Personally I would get destroyed and think about this whole night. She doesn't like my presence :-\ I guess its better to tell him how much you love him. And how you would do anything for him( Now I know you won't , but saying it won't hurt he wouldn't demand anything drastic). But beside that the thing he gets upset about I would get too if I were him. Maybe even think you are seeing someone else at workplace. Why God created EVE's like this. Can't they just ENJOY being submissive :p

    source: I am a guy.
  6. yetanotheranon1

    yetanotheranon1 Keep Rolling, Rolling, Rolling!

    Well, I am a guy, and also a guy in recovery, so my sex drive is admittedly high.
    I know the times (since I can count them on one hand, LOL) where she initiated. I've talked to her about it multiple times and she can admit its a problem for her (even if she wants it, she feels uncomfortable starting).

    You should be able to set limits and boundaries, but this, like anything else in a relationship, is about compromise. With my ex-wife she wanted sex a lot MORE than me (because I was addicted to porn) and that was one of the reasons our marriage fell apart. With my GF I will hope that the post-PMO recovery me will want sex MORE than her, so i'm going to have to throttle down and she will have to throttle up. It's like anything else -- got to find a happy medium.

    But yes, us men will see it as rejection (and I do, even after reading your posts here and trying to be more enlightened about the whole process) and pout accordingly. My GF fell asleep on me one night after I had done everything in my power to create a romantic night.. I stewed and steamed about that all night and told her how I felt the next day. She was genuinely sorry and made efforts in the future to save some energy for me, and vice versa I am more forgiving that it can't be every night...
  7. Spangler

    Spangler Member

    It's possible that he just wants to use you for his own sexual pleasure, but I doubt it.
    This is very true. As a man, we usually try to treat our women how we would like to be treated. We yearn to be shown love, affection, and acceptance through sexual desire and action. When a woman initiates sex or fondling, it makes us feel desired and worthy of desire and validates us as men. Because that makes us feel so good, we try to give affection to women in the same way we would like to receive it, showing them how much we love and desire them with our actions. When this gift of affection is met with disinterest, it makes us feel not only that they do not want us as much as we want them, but also that they do not value our love. Even if you don't intend to communicate this, it's what we perceive; this hurts, and that pain leads to anger. Most men do not want you to just give in and allow them to get their rocks off. They need to know that you yearn for them as much as they yearn for you. Words cannot express this, either--we need to see and feel it.

    The fact that he is "constantly" groping you probably says that he is insecure about your love. He doesn't understand why you don't want him in the same way and doesn't know how to talk about it, so he's reaching out in the only way he knows how. That's my analysis, anyway. You should really just talk openly about this and try to get him to put his feelings into words. One of the best ways to do this is to open up about yourself first. Tell him that you want to understand each other. And have this conversation in a totally non-sexual time, not right after you reject his advances and he feels hurt.
  8. BATFE

    BATFE New Member

    Yah that's it. Feel pity on him. you are stabbing his heart.
  9. Meatloaf

    Meatloaf New Member

    BATFE, I don't get how this works. If your partner does something you don't want to, and wants you to do something you don't want to do how on earth can you respond by saying that you will do anything he wants?

    Read about their history too. The guy is not in general being reasonable. The woman has every right (and this is not often understood: so does the guy) to not be into it. If the guy can't get the message from saying nicely "not now" then what is left but saying it not so nicely. Of course it needs to be talked open then or later.

    btw. Giavanna congrats on the intercourse. And despite what I write about setting limits: he does it because he is into you. And if he has overcome a major hurdle in your sexual relationship he is probably overjoyed and over enthusiastic about it. So set the limits but try to understand that his reaction comes from a positive place and try to be kind in your denial.
  10. Panonymos

    Panonymos Humility is a virtue

    Giovanna, it seems to me from your post that your man is an asshole. Sorry.
    I have been a porn addict and have done many crazy things, but never abused any woman on any level. No is no. If not, dump him.
    Why do you have to tolerate this? You don't.

    Why are you all guys so "understanding" and "forgiving" for this guy's behavior? This is abuse and it is passed any moral and even legal limit. It is like saying "Show some sympathy for the rapist, he had a bad childhood, give him love..." Fuck that. Once someone crosses the line and is a burden for another person, he needs to be confronted immediately.
  11. yetanotheranon1

    yetanotheranon1 Keep Rolling, Rolling, Rolling!

    It's funny that the responses seem very extreme -- do what the guy says, or the guy is a jerk, dump him.
    Again, I believe reality is somewhere in the middle. I think its very true that one of the reasons I'm always 'on' to my girlfriend is because I want her to be 'on' me as that would show me I'm wanted... and she never does. It is depressing. It's a double whammy to not get a response when I start the action.

    That said, I also need to realize that you women are wired differently and sometimes its just not the right time. I was thinking about that this morning where I am going to do my best to back off my GF for now if she's not into it. But it will honestly build some resentment if it lasts for a long time -- what a 'long time' is subjective and per couple. I think I'd like it every day but that doesn't seem like its going to happen. If her schedule is like once a week that will probably not be good enough for me either and we're going to have to talk about it.. and yes, if we can't work it out then like anything else in a relationship maybe its not the right relationship.

    We have to find the happy medium when you're in a relationship, just won't be my way or her way...
  12. Meatloaf

    Meatloaf New Member

    I think you are reading what is going on totally wrong. He is pestering - not raping. How did you get to the idea of breaking legal limits etc.?
  13. Spangler

    Spangler Member

    I'm not saying that the OP should do everything her husband wants--just trying to offer some insight into what his though process might be. Like other posters have said, couples need to communicate and find a happy medium.

    As for breaking the law or abuse, I didn't get the impression that the husband was persisting each time after Giavanna said "no." If that's the case then this is a totally different situation, but I didn't see that from Giavanna's post...
  14. BATFE

    BATFE New Member

    Me didn't say that either. Let them sort it out.

    But I guess someone really needs to tell her husband to sleep in separate bed or room for a month or something. Someone but her. but she can tell too. I mean if that guy gets his self esteem nuked what do I care.
  15. Bibbity

    Bibbity Wife of a recovered addict. 3 yrs strong.

    I definitely read her post as more of a "pestering" than a "crossing the line" type of behavior as well.

    Also for the guys who have women with low sex drives there might be a reason for it and you should find out why. Birth control pills are a big culprit for low sex drives, bad sex, not feeling cherished outside of sex etc. They all play into how a women's libido works. I wouldn't just say that "all women have lower sex drives" because I personally don't believe that to be true. Plenty of married men not getting any but their wives are very fond of their vibrators.
  16. zen_lioness

    zen_lioness Love will conquer all.

    When I switch birth control pills a few years back my sex drive went from hot and heavy most of the time to maybe every couple of days. I hated it. Now I have the IUD and am loving my sex drive being back to its natural state.

    As far as this topic goes: I understand how difficult it can be to have him all over you all the time when you are too exhausted to indulge in sex. I used to feel this way too, but now am in the battle of thinking that if he isn't all over me then he isn't into me. These games I am playing in my head after almost 7 years of marriage are aggravating. You probably want to know he is into you and feel loved by him, but want him to show you in other ways rather than just physical attention. My husband and I once did an exercise at a seminar about the Seven Love Languages. Maybe look it up and you two can take the quiz together to find out what your prime love languages are. This might be a good way to open up discussion about it. I'm sure you can purchase the book on Amazon.
  17. Is the issue about the groping or about the time when he gropes you? Maybe you can preempt the sex 1 hour before you sleep so he will be too tired to grope you in bed.
  18. BATFE

    BATFE New Member

    She hasn't responded once. Stop worrying . Probably they are having sex just as we give pointless opinion.
  19. Panonymos

    Panonymos Humility is a virtue

    BATFE, That was an exaggerated example from my part to make my point. His behavior is bothering this girl for a long time now and it is not right. Regardless of his urges, this guy should have some common sense and find another way to deal with himself AND START SHOWING SOME RESPECT to the woman who loves him who supports him and who puts up with his addiction. She is not obliged to do all this, but she does stay because she loves him. So, in my opinion, he needs a wake up call.
  20. yetanotheranon1

    yetanotheranon1 Keep Rolling, Rolling, Rolling!

    Interesting in reference to birth control. Since I don't like the condom I've been suggesting to my GF to get birth control, but I think her sex drive is not high enough to begin with. She does want to have kids probably not too far in the future so IUD wont work. Will see.

    I did actually try to take some of the lessons learned here about the 'other' side and have a discussion with my GF about it. Made sure she understands why I'm the way I am and that I want to be respectful but that for the relationship its important for her to reciprocate, to find the happy medium. So far, so good. We're both doing our part.

    It does seem the OP has checked out, but I hope she and her partner was able to tackle this issue. It is possible as long as both parties do care about each other.

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