Committing to Life

Discussion in 'Ages 40+' started by mcbc_rewired, Apr 8, 2013.

  1. mcbc_rewired

    mcbc_rewired Active Member

    Thanks guys.

    Best wishes this year to you too.

    All ok this end. Still urges sometimes but not too bad. Lots and lots of challenges in my life but managing to face them most of the time. Need more meditation though and other things that stop me projecting off into a big fearful future and anxiety over the IMPENDING DOOM which is the endless thought cycle in my head since age 11.

    I suspect if I can break that then urges to escapism (of which PMO is one) will greatly subside.
  2. mcbc_rewired

    mcbc_rewired Active Member

    Just had a slip. Peaky curiosity combined with sadness and feelings of emptiness following a visit home. 3 hours later... and did this 2 x in a week.

    Back on the road. A bit disappointed but mostly reminding myself that the total number of days clear of PMO is about 600 since I started this in March 2013. That is ALOT better than 600 days on and a few off.

    So just taking the learning and carrying on.

    To err is human....
  3. Guy_Stewart

    Guy_Stewart Well-Known Member

    I am SO with you, mc_rewired!

    SO with you!
  4. LTE

    LTE Master Of My Domain

    Just keep walking the road to recovery. You'll be fine.
  5. Caoimhín

    Caoimhín Winter's coming...

    Your comment about your emotional state prior to your slip up is important. Whatever else you may be feeling, you have noticed the emotional trigger. The more that you are able to recognise these things that trigger you, the stronger you become in challenging them. Take this as an educational moment and think about how much stronger you will become.
  6. mcbc_rewired

    mcbc_rewired Active Member

    Thanks Lte, Guy and Caomhin. Appreciate the support. Very silly but there we go. Nothing I can do about it. Certainly a reminder of the nasty effects of PMO. Felt hungover, listless, depressed, de-motivated, negative, out of sync, jangly in spirit. etc. And a reminder of how GREAT I have been feeling pretty much every day in the last 18 months.

    Hopefully this time next year it will be nearly 1,000 days PMO out of 1,030 or so and will be 365 on the timeline in my journal!!

    Anyway thanks again for the support. Not been on the boards much but as everyone knows this place is a fount of wisdom, warmth and camaraderie.
  7. LTE

    LTE Master Of My Domain

    We're wit' ya, bro.
  8. imout

    imout Active Member

    With all the progress you have made Im not even remotely worried about your slip. Probably more important to work on what made you slip. Obviously that was a scenario that tested your ability to cope. Why , would be the question for me. What made it so challenging that it tipped you over.
  9. mcbc_rewired

    mcbc_rewired Active Member

    Thanks guys. I appreciate this a lot.

    All going well.

    The challenge was I think (once again) the reaction to being in a place long familiar. I.e. back in home country and on top of that meeting with vey old friends from school etc.

    I read on Wiki about how addiction issues can be triggered again by going back to a place or seeing people from the time of the addiction.

    And I believe it.

    So I am going to have to remember to be extremely vigilant going forward as I will be back there more often.

    For now peaceful. If quite a lot of fantasy!

    Stay well
  10. Caoimhín

    Caoimhín Winter's coming...

    And so do I. Last week, I went for a nap on the sofa. I used to do this all the time, usally accompanied with passing out for the night. This time I was just sleepy. But instantly, as soon as my head hit the pillow, the idea of a drink came into my thoughts. It is familiar, it triggers older pathways in the brain, and it is potentially dangerous.
  11. mcbc_rewired

    mcbc_rewired Active Member

    Back on the boards after a long hiatus.

    I have been doing ok. A few relapses during the last year which, I now realise, ends up in a year of slightly foggy brain.

    There is no doubt that PMO is disastrous for brain, mind, and soul. Even one slip of an hour leaves me foggy and listless. And somehow the lingering effects of emotional blankness and lack of motivation remain even longer.

    It really does have to be zero P or nothing, at least in my case.

    Been about three years now of recovery. Although some disappointment of not being 100% free in that time, it has been 90%+ which is a hell of a lot better than in the decade before when I was doing binges lasting weeks.

    So here is to keeping the recovery going and aiming for a 100% porn free life.

    I like that life so much better in so many ways. The fact that I sacrifice it for porn shows that porn really is a drug. We waste away when on it.

    Hope its a P free year for all here.
  12. a short guy

    a short guy Well-Known Member

    Yes, here's to 100% porn free. It's the only way I can go as well.
  13. Endeavour

    Endeavour Member

    hi mc wired,

    new here but have been in this struggle for some years. i really relate to what you say about old emotional triggers and i agree that no compromise is the way forward. i am 3 years free of PMO and till last summer was 4 years free of my other poison of choice - escorts and massage parlours. never in my wildest dreams thought that I would go back there ; the guy who did that was like a dim and distant memory but yet I sleepwalked into it for a lot of stupid inane reasons and I found to my pain that when you feed the beast he roars back in all forms. day by day is the way. thanks for being here.
  14. mcbc_rewired

    mcbc_rewired Active Member

    Hi ATG. Good to hear from you. It is odd isn't it? I find with all other stimulants I have no issues at all (although I don't do drugs etc). Porn though takes me right back to the slavering lusts and endless urges. and the resulting head is just like a bad hangover. And gets worse with the years.

    Hope its going well for you.
  15. mcbc_rewired

    mcbc_rewired Active Member

    Hi Endeavour

    I know what you mean. The beast does roar back in all forms. Isn't it weird when life is so good without it?

    I look forward to reading your posts.

    All the best.
  16. imout

    imout Active Member

    Hey MC, pleasant surprise to hear from you. A whole lot of my peers from 3 years ago have slipped away, for better of worse. Seems we all are in the same boat. Relapses are real. I had 800+ days porn free and relapsed after loosing grip on peeking ( ethnic pictures with nude women in africa, would you believe it, i mean who am i trying to kid). A period of facebook leering at pixs of people I know ( dressed of course) followed. And one day off i went into the porn-yonder. Couldnt shake it for 2 weeks. a month off, 2 weeks on and so on from april to october . Sobering.

    I agree there is no way of having lasting peace unless we are pornfree 100%. Actually didnt we know that from the start? the monkey is always alife, he is only sleeping.

    best wishes, MC
  17. mcbc_rewired

    mcbc_rewired Active Member

    Hi imout

    Good to hear from you.

    While sorry to hear about the slip after 800 days, made me laugh about the nudes in Africa! But only because it reminded me of my own incredibly self-deluding peek behaviours (asian fashion catalogues!).

    Weird how the urge is still in there isn't it. Something deep in that part of the brain is still structurally there and is easily re-injected with life with a quick flick of the webpage. I assumed it had gone forever TBH in the belief that brain plasticity was much more efficient than in reality. I guess our addiction to the dopamine is there forever.

    At least so it seems to me.

    So with that knowledge, keeping on battling. Even with the slips I feel very thankful for having embarked on this. Life is so much better. And the slips, with their hangover feelings for the next day or few, remind me just how toxic it is.

    best to you my friend for a great birthday camp.
  18. mcbc_rewired

    mcbc_rewired Active Member

    Doing ok. Working through some past issues which are helping me see the dynamics of porn appeal. All about numbing past pain and fears. For me at least, I have to work on the past pain and fear in order to remove the compulsion to look at porn. So far so good. I can't stop doing porn as an act of will etc alone. I have to also go back and embrace the hurt child and make him realise it is ok and so the pain is reduced. If pain is less, the need to numb with porn is also reduced. win win.
  19. Freethinker

    Freethinker Guest

    Hey MC,

    You were one of my early comrades on this forum. I'm pulling for you to have continued success in working through the personal issues of pain that fuel pmo use. I have much of that myself and am certain of the psychology that links it all together. I'm back after 2 yrs of being away. I'm weak but also stubborn. I refuse to give up on myself (or folks like you either) Best of luck!
  20. imout

    imout Active Member

    Hey MC hows tricks?

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