Committing to Life

Discussion in 'Ages 40+' started by mcbc_rewired, Apr 8, 2013.

  1. a short guy

    a short guy Well-Known Member

    I wish you well and strength with this abuse related legal stuff. Staying PMO free is helpful and key to being able to handle this and move foreword on it I'm sure.
     
  2. Omega Man

    Omega Man Everything counts.

    Great to hear on the justice stuff man.
     
  3. colimpool

    colimpool Active Member

    proud of you bro 100+ days, way to go. don't turn back ever. forward one step at a time.
    so happy for you
     
  4. a short guy

    a short guy Well-Known Member

    Thanks for mentioning the craziness index Caoimhin, I've heard of it but just now checked it out and started working with it.
     
  5. Caoimhín

    Caoimhín Winter's coming...

    ATG
    I never did follow through on the craziness index in terms of the detailed analysis. But suffice it to say that I know what my signs are and am aware of when they are creeping up in scale. Many of them are also under the category of "tuning out" and "self-medicating".
     
  6. imout

    imout Active Member

    where is teh host? Ground control to major Mac, do you copy?
     
  7. mcbc_rewired

    mcbc_rewired Active Member

    Hi

    Thanks for the messages, and as always, checking in imout (and hope all well - no time yet to read up on things here)!

    Been away in home country. A really good time. Best since I left I think.

    But now back and THIS is the danger time for me. Settling back in, missing home country some, and friends and family, and this time last year, what did I do? Give up a 6 month streak and spent a few days in the porn pit.

    Lots of triggers last year:

    1. Sadness etc at leaving and generally conflicts about that
    2. As Wiki points out being in old places where the addiction was in full flow is a major trigger. This includes places as well as people. So I know that I was being triggered all over, and indeed some fantasies quite strong some days while away.

    So my resolve these next few weeks is major major awareness and care. And really watch the urges.

    Meditation has been going well and so will be continuing this which I think really helps with awareness.

    Other than that exercise and getting on with projects.

    Good to be back in this forum and look forward to catching up with others.

    Hope all well with everyone else on here making the break from years of foul addiction and clearing their heads and bodies for a brighter future.
     
  8. mcbc_rewired

    mcbc_rewired Active Member

    PS still get fantasies quite a lot but seem fairly manageable at the moment. Still like them too much and indulge them a fair bit.
     
  9. LTE

    LTE Master Of My Domain

    Keep fighting them. The fantasies and ogling take a while to overcome, but it does happen in time. You're doing great, MC.
     
  10. imout

    imout Active Member

    Now I remember that you are an expat. I forgot. Im an expat too. German living in NZ. I didnt do porn in germany, so Im safe there. But there is always some emnotional upheaval when I go back, and then it takes me a while to feel home again in my place in NZ.

    I indulge in fantasies a lot , too. Actually only in bed. During the dsay Im OK. The ogling seems manageable too, I dont linger , i register women for a few seconds too long. Uh well. I dont want to get too religious about this abstinence. Too be relaxed and feel good about myself seems more important
     
  11. mcbc_rewired

    mcbc_rewired Active Member

    Thanks LTE and imout. That is very encouraging news LTE, I look forward to it as it is one of the worries I have. Having said that there is something less visceral about the fantasies as time away from PMO lengthens. As you say imout, I don't want to get too religious about this either! I am completely in agreement about self-acceptance being much more important. Indeed it seems to be pretty much a necessary condition for PMO abstinence.

    Not doing too bad today but there is a spike in urges which is def. linked to the emotional upheaval of returning here. I have never really felt at home here although it is a nice place etc. But sometimes I yearn to live in English again!
     
  12. colimpool

    colimpool Active Member

    you are doing great, good to see the warning signs, just keep on
    you must be seeing huge benefits, congrats
     
  13. mcbc_rewired

    mcbc_rewired Active Member

    Thanks CP.

    A bit down today. Still processing home trip and wanting to be there. So vulnerable and feeling the urge to escape the pain through PMO. A very tricky stage I know from past. But at least aware and stepping away from computer when like that. And using books instead as escape (always been a great one for me).
     
  14. LTE

    LTE Master Of My Domain

    No matter what the problem is, PMO will never help. Books are a far better escape.
     
  15. Syd

    Syd New Member

    You're making great progress, MC.

    I had an expat year in Canada in 2009, and remember how dislocating it was--I can't imagine how much more challenging it would be in another language. My wife and kids had friends at work and school, whereas I (self-employed, home office) had no one, and PMO was problem. The experience of living outside the U.S. was amazing, but in retrospect, I wish YBR had existed back then...
     
  16. Caoimhín

    Caoimhín Winter's coming...

    MC - very tricky stage indeed. Awareness will give you that micro-second of extra time where you can put the pain / fear / desire to quicly medicate to one side and walk on by. Keep up the good work!
     
  17. Freethinker

    Freethinker Guest

    Hey MC,

    I'm back on the forum and wanted to check in and encourage you and hope you are doing better in recent days.
    You and I had some regular "back and forth" many months ago. I am still thankful for your support back then. You and others were supportive of me more than I was of myself. Wishing you well brother.
     
  18. imout

    imout Active Member

    Gee , MC, its been a while. How are you. Hope things are going well
     
  19. a short guy

    a short guy Well-Known Member

    I too hope all's well with you.
     
  20. mcbc_rewired

    mcbc_rewired Active Member

    Thanks imout as always for checking in on us laggards, and ATG (I like the name change!). FT good to see you again and hope all well.

    I am fine but had a very wobbly couple of months - amazing how the time has gone. Wobbly not just in terms of temptation but also mentally and emotionally. Lots of stuff came up, partly because of conflict over which country to live in (having spent a long summer in the home country) but also stuff from the past, facing up to the challenges of new projects (or at least trying to). I.e. all the fears and hopes and tribulations that were there pre-PMO opiate and still need to be dealt with day to day.

    Haven't been on here much partly because of all this stuff making me do the usual that I have been doing since 10 years old: closing up and curling into a ball to hide from the world, and partly because, healthily, have been trying to limit my online time and focus more on the real world. Not that you guys aren;t real world but you know what I mean.

    So still facing challenges which surprises me at this stage but I think, once again, it comes back to that fact of facing the Original Pain, that happens once we are off the meds of PMO.

    So I am trying to do this. And of course I know it is best to journal it and talk it though with such a wonderful supportive community like this, but the old habit of curling up in isolation that started at 10 years, still seems to dominate at these times. But step by step and all that. I am here now, and that's better than way back when I would have stayed curled up for years.

    Also been off here because I was getting sustenance from Gary Wilson's ebook which is FANTASTIC. It is much like YBOP but edited, concise and a very clear and useful summary of why we are doing this. Really recommend it even for those who have read YBOP a while.

    Anyway, hoping everyone here is doing well and feeling the freedom. Even if not having the benefit of psychedelics like Z (wow Z, you have got me curious!).
     

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