Committing to Life

Discussion in 'Ages 40+' started by mcbc_rewired, Apr 8, 2013.

  1. mcbc_rewired

    mcbc_rewired Active Member

    Hello Everyone

    I am new to this group but not new to trying to give up PMO. The difference this time is that I have so much more hope because a) I discovered YBOP and 2) I started reading this forum. What a change! At last people who get it! At last people who understand it and don't judge it and - even better - don't trigger the shame response that seems to be at the heart of the problem.

    Since I got married and had children I have been trying to give up. I gave up for about a year during therapy, then another 3 or 4 times for about 3 months at a stretch.

    Each time I could feel the changes but I never really understood the damage PMO was doing nor the massive benefits of giving PMO up.

    Thanks to YBOP and this forum I am seeing it.

    And for the first time too I admit to a PMO compulsion (I reserve the word addiction for external chemical dependencies - semantics I know but it works for me). I always denied it as just a bad habit wrought of a bad childhood of being assualted, and emotionally incested too.

    But now I admit that it is real.

    Today just a short time in to my target, I feel good and up to the challenge but I also feel a lot of grief.

    Grief at the lost years, the time wasted, the energy dissipated. Grief at the betrayal of my wife and kids. Grief at the loss of so many of my key work/project years to this awful, awful compulsion.

    I know I shouldn't regret but I do and the only thing that stops me regretting more is knowing that to do so would be an even bigger waste of energy.

    What a lesson to learn in my 40s!

    Seeing how others here have changed their lives, I am determined to do the same. To put the past behind me, realise that this compulsion is not me but toxic waste from childhood that can now be disposed of. To move forward and live every day to the full. To wake up every morning and remember that I can die today so live it like that.

    I really hope I can remember this. And reaching out here I know will help me do that.

    Thanks to everyone here for posting and helping me so far.
  2. fcjl8

    fcjl8 The only path for me

    Re: Trying again by reaching out

    Welcome mc2013bn,

    I share much of what you have written. I am 51 and came to the conclusion that this had to stop, my own PMO addiction/compulsion, a few years back. Mine began with a messed up childhood as well.

    I also made several months clean a couple of times. This is working out better for me now, 140 days, due to my family support, my Faith and huge help from the

    The men here have been true lifesavers at times...

    You are at 11 days and sound resolved to make this stick!

    I know it's hard, but you must put the past in the past... still working at this myself. The only holes you can fix are here and now.

    We are all here for you brother... keep journaling!

    Great bravery to face this.
  3. mcbc_rewired

    mcbc_rewired Active Member

    Re: Trying again by reaching out

    Thank you fcjl8. I have read a lot of your posts and they really struck a chord with me. You are really courageous (and a very good writer too IMO).

    I am really enjoying this even though it is a struggle. There are times when it is exhilirating to be taking back my life and be free.

    And then times when the temptation to peak is huge and PMO feels like a safe haven. A cocoon to hide away from the world in. A kind of warmth creeps over me and I want to go in where the clicks are so much easier than facing the real world and all the complexities, challenges, risks and, well lets face it, just life which is scary, scary, scary.

    Like you I work for myself and so the sense of having to face risks every day is great but the time alone to do PMO is also there. It was when I stopped working in an office with others that this compulsion - always there since discovering some porn when 11 years old - really grew in intensity and took over.

    I think all the past efforts to give up have been useful. It must have had some impact on the brain already and touch wood, will have been the foundation for the complete break away now.

    I used to have faith and still believe there is some great power. I try to meditate but the stubborn resistance to it is huge. But will keep trying (or is it letting go?). May be try 5 minutes instead of 30.

    thanks for being there.
  4. Confused

    Confused New Member

    Re: Trying again by reaching out

    Welcome - In your words, I feel your committment, I like your focus and I see that your up for the FC has said, the support herei s great and will help through rough times and get you to your goals!

    Continue to read and therapy for what we are all going through.
  5. Mike.

    Mike. New Member

    Re: Trying again by reaching out

    Welcome and please post often.

    I need to humbly disagree with one thing you said, about this not being an addiction. This is about being chemically dependent, I really don't think it is much different. Sure you are not shooting up but you are feeding a chemical addiction inside.

    Meditation can result in huge benefits for your recovery. Try not to think of this as some religious exercise or anything else. Rest in silence and when the mind wanders (which it does) gently bring it back into silence. I can go on and on how this benefits the devout but as a simple exercise it will help in building more will power and give you more strength to abstain.

    Good luck, post often, and always remember you are here with friends. I have never seen someone judge some or give them a hard time.

  6. bright_eyes

    bright_eyes Master of My Own Mind?

    Re: Trying again by reaching out

    Welcome aboard, MC. You're off to a good start. Stay strong.
  7. Pa1989

    Pa1989 New Member

    Re: Trying again by reaching out

    Welcome mc2013bn

    I have read your posts as well as others where we shared similar experiences and acknowledge the valuable time missed because of what you called a compulsion. The important thing is to reclaim the fullness of what life has to offer and live it with integrity with no regrets. Easier said than done. It will not be easy but with encouragement and perseverance we will move ahead one day at a time.
  8. LTE

    LTE Master Of My Domain

    Re: Trying again by reaching out

    Welcome to the forum mc2013bn.

    There's plenty of help here and support from guys that have a lot in common with you. You've already done the 12 hardest days, it does get easier with time.

    This truly is an addiction. Drugs flood your brain with dopamine and you reduce D2 receptors so it takes more of a drug to get the same effect. Porn is exactly the same. The stimulant isn't chemical, but the effect is very much the same.
  9. mcbc_rewired

    mcbc_rewired Active Member

    Re: Trying again by reaching out

    Thank you everyone for your posts. Great to read.

    I can now admit it. Its an addiction! (easy to say with you guys giving me feedback!). Had another read of some of the YBOP stuff on this and I get it now. Its chemical.

    And thanks Mike on the mediation tips. Will keep at it.

    Today is a tough day, not because of wanting to do PMO but just major stress with my work. Its tough out there at the moment with so many companies cutting costs and so services (like mine) but for sure I know now that PMO won't make things any better. It used to be the salve but it is so obvious now that it was not a salve at all but a great big dagger in a wound and making it so much worse.

    The increased energy i feel from staying clean and healthy is the way to handle the challenges of the real world. I feel so much more of a man (does this make sense?).

    Thanks everyone.
  10. Confused

    Confused New Member

    Re: Trying again by reaching out

    Absolutely makes sense!!! Stay positive and focused!
  11. reus234

    reus234 Member

    Re: Trying again by reaching out

    Welcome mc. Great to have you among us. I am at this for a few weeks now and I can relate to you on your experiences at the moment. In the beginning it seems to be a goal impossible to achieve. With every day that goes by the urge to succeed and regain confidence grows bit by bit.

    I also grieved about the yaers gone by, time waisted. Today having a second chance I experience all of the joy for love to my wife and kids and life again. So to say I am getting a double dose of joy.

    stay strong brother and fight the good fight with all your heart.
  12. mcbc_rewired

    mcbc_rewired Active Member

    Re: Trying again by reaching out

    This forum is so great. What a boost getting replies. Thanks Confused and reus234. Glad it makes sense about feelling a man again.

    Thanks reus234. Good point about the double dose of joy. Makes it easier to put away the past and focus on the now.

    Today was a GREAT day. After months of really long days finally finished a project and my wife and I took a few hours off and went for a long walk and then had lunch out and just talked and forgot about everything. So so good. No PMO hangover to block the way, no cravings. Just enjoying being with my wife and *looking* at my wife. Somehow the porn always made the real world look dreary and less exciting than the pixels. How dumb is that? The real world is so much better (duh i know but I didnt act from that knowing!).

    I suspect that if I was still doing PMO, the idea of going out for a few hours and just being with my wife wouldn't have come at all and if it had I would have squashed it with some negative "rational" thought.

    Thanks for the support.

    Time to meditate.
  13. Confused

    Confused New Member

    Re: Trying again by reaching out

    Thank You for your post and sharing your good feelings - makes me smile too!!!
  14. reus234

    reus234 Member

    Re: Trying again by reaching out

    Great that you like the point of double dose of joy.
  15. bright_eyes

    bright_eyes Master of My Own Mind?

    Re: Trying again by reaching out

    It makes perfect sense. I feel exactly the same. You are doing great.
  16. fcjl8

    fcjl8 The only path for me

    Re: Trying again by reaching out

    Hi mc2013,

    Just read your very positive post... made me feel great. I really understand what you are saying about going out with your wife and enjoying being with her.

    I sound like a broken record but... one of the all out best things that married men can do is lots of non-sexual physical bonding with your wife. I just love holding my wife's hand, hugging, cuddling and kissing... even spooning and gentle touch in bed. this all feels so good and helps with very good neurochemicals (from what I read) Anyway... just feels so good. And I used to be very non-touch oriented unless I was just groping or chasing for sex... I now see and appreciate the whole being that is my wife.

    Hope that helps you...
  17. Bodhissatva

    Bodhissatva New Member

    Re: Trying again by reaching out

    Congrats on your great day! While reading your last post, I was reminded of how PMO "steals" the really beautiful moments we live by making us forget how good the "ordinary" really is. "Ordinary" is nothing but. The first few times I was able to get to 5 or 6 days without PMO, I realized I was rediscovering simple pleasures and it felt good. I long for that feeling again.

    Best wishes and many more great days ahead!
  18. Omega Man

    Omega Man Everything counts.

    Re: Trying again by reaching out

    Welcome! I'm glad you've been encouraged to see this as an addiction. I think it will help you in the long run. I know for me, initially I thought "I'm kind of addicted, but it's probably not that bad". Now after 4 resets of my counter, I'm finally admitting it is that bad for me. I found myself pretty much unable to stop myself from relapsing, while I was trying very hard not to. I've just had to accept the fact that it was much more serious than I initially thought.

    But your posts on the positive experiences is great. I too went through those at the beginning and they help set the stage for keeping you on target. Getting to 10 days is a huge accomplishment!
  19. colimpool

    colimpool Active Member

    Re: Trying again by reaching out

    Sorry i am a bit late with my welcome.

    Read you thread and have to say i found a lot of what you said in your original post very familiar to my history. What's done is done. No matter how sorry we feel about our wasted past, and i truly do, we have to think more about where we are now and that we are finally sorting out a very selfish and degrading addiction.

    We are all in a good place here, i wish you all the best, together we can walk towards a better existence.
  20. mcbc_rewired

    mcbc_rewired Active Member

    Re: Trying again by reaching out

    Thanks Colimpool and Omega Man. Appreciated.

    Tough old day today.

    Failry demanding day of work but at lunch time, just out of the blue came a fantasy. Was at home and so had lunch catching up with the news on TV and this beautiful woman came on and it triggered a really potent fantasy response.

    Now I am with some others in this forum on the fantasy thing: don't. In my previous attempts at PMO I didn't stop fantasy and there is no doubt in my mind that this led to escalation. Even days later. I would fantasise, no doubt the dopomine response simmered away and then at some future point, bam. PMO. or at least MO.

    I shut it down after what I felt was some minutes but I have a sneaking suspicion it was longer and I had got lost in it. Just the same way I used to with PMO which in my case, at the most extreme, could last several hours of P before MO. Just writing that fills me with shame and horror at the wasted energy, time, and damage to my brain, body and soul. I mean really. Just awful.

    So anyway, I shut down the fantasy but since then every half an hour or so it would flash back in my mind. While I was in a call for a work thing I am sure it led to the curt short way I handled that.

    After, when working on the computer *alone in the house* the urge to sneak a peak was so strong. I mean so strong. Just desperate.

    Somehow I managed to stretch my mind to visit this (brilliant, fantastic, awesome, saving, genius, incredible, thank you thank you) forum and reading a few posts just about somehow kept me off the trigger mouse.

    Then I managed some push ups (anyone out there looking for a light exercise routine its a website or app called 100 push ups. Starts you real gentle with 5 sets of 5 or less and you build up veeeery slowly from there. That plus fast walks and some yoga stretching does it for me as I am not really a big exercise person). Push ups helped alot. Then lucikly it was time to go see the kids out at the park and I forgot all about the urges.

    But then after when coming home in bad traffic, annoying drivers, and so on I felt so irritable. And have felt so irritable ever since. Right now I feel jumpy and irritable. I mean I want to go run 10 miles or something or more likely punch someone or thing. I am burning up with irritation.

    So that was a long way of asking: does anyone else get this? I assume its to do with giving up the dopamine but just wanted to ask around.

    Anyway plan some stretching and stuff in a moment to see if it helps.

    Apart from that, just a big thanks again for replies and posts. I just cannot say enough how much this all helps. If I ever win the lottery I will send a big donation to whoever runs this and YBOP. They should get nobel peace prizes or something. I mean really. So many men and i guess some women saved from a lifetime of slavery to some pixels. How cool is that?

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