Committing to change

Discussion in 'Ages 30-39' started by openreboot, Dec 12, 2020.

  1. openreboot

    openreboot New Member

    38 years old and I've been using porn to masturbate more or less my entire life (though the porn and my habits have definitely changed a lot in the last ten years).

    My erections during sex with my wife have always been weak, and I resorted to using meds as a crutch. Sometimes it works, sometimes it kinda works, sometimes it doesn't work at all.

    After a particularly disappointing night last month, even with the meds, I happened upon this site. Everything clicked. I'm 100% committed to eliminating porn and masturbation from my life. Knowing what it has done to me, there is zero percent chance I'm going back to it.

    I started on December 1st (11 days ago). Zero urges to masturbate or watch porn. I'm not going back. I'm also dropping the meds.

    I'm a little bit torn on orgasms. I want to have them, but I'm afraid it's going to impede my rebalance. Since I started this, I've been intimate with my wife 3 times. Each time had weak-ish erections, though I've managed to orgasm, and it usually requires a lot of stimulation on her part. Am I doing myself a disservice by not cutting these out? I wish there was clearer data. I've also started collecting daily data on my end. General mood, libido, and how sex goes (if applicable).

    Anyways, all your stories inspire me, and I'm hoping I can add myself to the list of successes. Would love any and all support.
     
  2. Bilbo Swaggins

    Bilbo Swaggins Well-Known Member

    Hey man, welcome on the forum. Sounds like you have a good mindset to approach this.

    As for your answer: it depends on the severity of your PIED. Traditionally, it’s said that older guys who did not grow up on high speed internet don’t necessarily need to go hard mode (no orgasms) or no arousal (no sex as well). But as you say, there is not a lot of data on these matters. It’s also not that easy to know how severe your case is. For instance, I did not grow up on high speed internet (I am 32), but I have had PIED ever since I became sexually active, with every woman I have been with. But if I use Viagra, it always works; also, I have been able to have sex without Viagra many times in my life. So is my case severe? Hard to say.

    Bottom line: since we can’t know for sure, it’s probably better to play it safe and to avoid sex and orgasms as much as possible, at least for a certain period of time. It ain’t easy to do when you are in a relationship, though. As for myself, I have been rebooting for 8 months now (no P and no M). After 4 months of this, improvements were very minor, so I decided to remove orgasms. I did that for 6 weeks, then I spoke to my girlfriend about my desire to stop having sex for a few months, and I have been doing this since September. I started to have wet dreams in November, and to have better nocturnal erections too. I have had a few moments where I felt aroused by just kissing my girlfriend, which is not something that happened before. All this to say I feel I started making progress when I stopped having sex.

    Hope that makes sense to you. Good luck on your journey.
     
    BoughtWithBlood and Pete McVries like this.
  3. openreboot

    openreboot New Member

    Bilbo - Thank you for your reply. I've been following your journey and it really helps me knowing how others really stick with the path to improvement.

    I wonder really how bad my case is, or how long ago it started. Since age 15 (late 90s), I was definitely looking at porn, though at those times it was more like a picture of a woman topless. With the progression of the internet and the availability of porn, it sort of went hand in hand on how my preferences switched. I also wasn't sexually active until I was 23, so that was quite a lot of time associating my orgasms with masturbation and porn, and not women. On the other hand, I'm still able to achieve erection here and there, and without meds. I read about people where absolutely nothing can happen at all with a real person, so I'm hoping I'm not too far gone.

    I had a discussion with my wife today about orgasms. We're going to go with what happens naturally. If we are in the moment and my guy is ready to go (rarely the case), then we'll go for it. If it's going to take extra work to get him going, it's too forced and the little guy is pretty much saying he's not ready, then I'll just focus on her. If orgasms means it takes a little longer to achieve "balance", then I think that will just be my personal journey. But I'm definitely going to stop forcing them, even with sex.
     
  4. openreboot

    openreboot New Member

    Day 13, still not even remotely interested in masturbation or porn.

    While shopping for lingerie for my wife this afternoon I got more naturally aroused than I have been in the past two weeks, I'm guessing the images were spiking the "porn" brain chemicals. I made my purchase, put away those feelings, and moved on with my day.
     
  5. openreboot

    openreboot New Member

    Question for those doing this a while.

    I feel like a big portion of my daily thoughts are now on "rebooting". Is this normal? Is this a bad thing? I imagine this will sort of subside over time. Is my reboot obsession inhibiting my recovery?
     
  6. openreboot

    openreboot New Member

    Day 16

    Still zero interest in porn, but my arousal is slightly increased after being dormant since basically the start. This means now I'm fighting the urge to masturbate, but it's not overwhelming.

    Yesterday had a very successful oral encounter with my wife where I had zero trouble getting things working. I know logically its too early to actually start getting real benefits from the reboot, but I'm super optimistic.
     
  7. openreboot

    openreboot New Member

    Been a bit since my last update.

    The good news first... almost 30 days in. Still near zero interest in watching porn, slight interest in masturbation, but nothing overwhelming in any way that would cause me to relapse. I've been having fairly regular sex with my wife, with my standard weak erections.

    The bad news... it's hard not seeing any real progress. I super absolutely know that its going to take months at a minimum to recover, but boy that seems far off. I wish the progress were linear, and I wish I had anyone at all to just talk to about this. But I'm keeping with it.
     
    Bilbo Swaggins likes this.
  8. Bilbo Swaggins

    Bilbo Swaggins Well-Known Member

    Congratulations, friend. Keep it up. You are doing just fine.
     
  9. realness

    realness Active Member

    Sounds like you're doing great man. You said on 16 Dec you had a great encounter with your wife, so it's not true that you're seeing no or little progress. Have you thought about any other life improvements that are happening since abstaining from PMO besides sexual ones? And addressing PMO is probably the biggest move you can make to heal yourself, but with that now in motion are there any other changes to make? Exercise, a new hobby?
     
    Pete McVries likes this.
  10. openreboot

    openreboot New Member

    I thought about this a bit as well. I've been exercising steadily for the first time in my life since lockdown began in March, and I certainly have gotten physical health benefits from that. Not too certain what else I can/should be doing. I may try some sort of meditation activity.
     
    realness likes this.
  11. openreboot

    openreboot New Member

    I've got a really happy update.

    Had an incredible one night staycation with my wife this past Saturday. The first time we had sex I had no trouble at all getting or staying hard. Went again 5 hours later with much more trouble (kind of expected this). Next morning, went again with no trouble at all getting or staying hard. This is by far my best non-medicated sexual encounter in YEARS, and I'm just about a month and a half in with no porn or masturbation. Feeling even more hopeful now than ever. I still have had zero urges to masturbate to porn, and my urges to masturbate in general are completely able to be ignored.
     
    Bilbo Swaggins likes this.
  12. Great to hear. That was my experience as well during my first 90 day reboot. Be mindful that "ok, all is well, can ease off being diligent for no PMO". Stay diligent brother.
     
  13. openreboot

    openreboot New Member

    Been a month since my last update. 2.5 months total with zero porn, zero masturbation. I still have zero interest in porn, the occasional interest in masturbation, but still nothing I can't will away.

    Overall, everything is SIGNIFICANTLY better. I didn't expect it to get better this quickly for me. I'm at the point now with my wife that I don't even really think about it much at all. If we want to have sex, we have sex, and it basically works. I still think there is some ways to go still, but the constant inability to achieve or maintain an erection has basically disappeared.

    Now for the disappointing part... we are in an open relationship, and I saw my first non-wife partner last night for the first time in about half a year. I always had more trouble with non-wife partners, but thought these changes would transfer over to them as well. It didn't really. I had major issues getting an erection and maintaining it. I think I have a separate problem related to anxiety around new people or new situations, and this is a problem I don't even know where to begin to solve. I'm going to keep on my no porn/masturbation indefinitely, and I hope that this other-partner thing may resolve itself in time.
     
    Bilbo Swaggins and NewStart19 like this.
  14. openreboot

    openreboot New Member

    I just wanna say it's now my 3 month anniversary of zero porn and zero masturbation. Hooray for me!
     
    Bilbo Swaggins likes this.
  15. openreboot

    openreboot New Member

    Feeling frustrated with a setback.

    Things are "better" than when I started, but not even close to the light at the end of the tunnel from the success stories. Tonight I had trouble getting hard. I could only stay hard in one position, and I was needing a lot of stimulation to maintain the erection which made holding back from an orgasm very difficult. I know progress isn't linear, but I thought I had cleared the early hurdles. The hope of easy, maintainable erections is still just a dream even after over 3 months.
     
  16. openreboot

    openreboot New Member

    Super down. 3 months of slow and steady progress, better erections during sex, morning wood, all gone. I think I entered a flatline. Nothing is turning me on whatsoever. I hate this feeling.

    Still zero porn or masturbation.
     

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