Committing to a Porn Free Life. I CAN do this! Persistence is Everything.

Discussion in 'Ages 20-24' started by R3balance, Oct 26, 2012.

  1. ModusVivendi

    ModusVivendi New Member

    Re: Too many failed Attempts..

    You're afraid of having PE you said, and because of anxiety. It's not because of that.

    A heavy edger myself (I used to edge for 2-3 hours normally until I found the right picture or scene), I used to be just as worried as you, so I've looked it up and looked at my MOing experiences ever since I stopped porn.

    Apparently you and I have weakened our muscles like crazy, the muscles that hold back our semen. Thus, when we'd have sex, the weak muscles couldn't contain it back, resulting in PE.

    Well, it's funny because 90 days is what it takes for it to get back to normal health. I'll tell you how it went with me.

    I used to MO twice a week between my days 50-84. I had PE everytime then. I then went 24 days - no PE. After that, I went 42 days - no PE again. You'd think we'd have crazy PE because of all of what we've been containing? Well that proves to you that it's all about the msucles. They've strengthened back now due to me going so long without O. Same will happen with you.

    You'll be fucking set and having heavenly sex when you reach 90 days man.
     
  2. R3balance

    R3balance Active Member

    Re: Too many failed Attempts..

    Yea my feelings with her change quite a bit, because shes the only person I have ever felt for or cared about that wasnt family. The money thing really does make me stressed and anxious though, I just dont know how to address it properly because of the situation we are in.

    I Mod last night at 3am,,, I keep giving in to urges when I wake up with a really hard boner, for about 4 days I was fighting huge urges flashbacks fantasies fighting them pretty hard, and a few days before twice my gf was playing with my penis when I was driving I loved it, but I think it lead to the huge urges ecause my balls were hurting and all I could think about was releasing for everyday after..

    Im going to try and stay away from that but its super hard to turn down when my penis was responding and we both liked it and it felt really good ::)

    I felt really guilty when I woke up this morning, disappointed in MO'ing, I didn't MO to porn though so I dont think I shouldn't feel to bad, I want to have good sex with my gf so badly.

    I hope this slip doesnt neg affect my reboot, resisted the chaser too.

    Yea Im afraid of PE and ED because of anxiety, thats really interesting though I never thought that would weaken the muscles but that makes sense!

    What will happen though after we are rebooted and having sex regularly wont that argue against what your saying? by oing it would weaken the muscles??

    In your journal though was it only when you went 90 days no O you felt fully rebooted? because I know you experimented with MO ing along the way, this is just such a rough journey I just want to be having healthy sex!!!


    Veni sometmes I ask myself that question and to be honest I want both and I feel like neither are working out :-\
     
  3. VeniVidiVici

    VeniVidiVici New Member

    Re: Too many failed Attempts..

    It's always hard this kind of stuff, I would say do what your gut tells you, but don't be afraid that if you'd lose her, there will be no one else. It might help as well to try a little less, which will trigger her urge for you more, what makes her less inclined to let you pay everything.

    About the PE, ED stuff, I have the same thing, anxiety is all there is left I think. The only way to get past it is rebooting and building confidence.

    Best of luck!
     
  4. R3balance

    R3balance Active Member

    Re: Too many failed Attempts..

    Im always afraid to lose her because I care so much about her I really do, I just feel like our relationship isnt working well.
    Sometimes I pay for things just to avoid fights to which is sad.
    Im not sure what I am going to do with her and me, but I should figure it out soon.

    I havent been on much latley because the more I am on computers, alone, in my room the more urges I get, like right now I have been doing homework with no one home for an hour, and I just got a huge PMO URGE A big spike, terrible, even a few glipmses of old scenes, and my mind saying coooommmmon just once,, thats why I am posting right now, hoping this kills the urge, I will be going to school in 30min which is great tho, get me outtttta here!

    On the last day of January, my gf was turning me on, a lot in bed, I was even getting kinda aggressive and for the first time in my life, I came from oral sex,,, I was the happiest person all night! I usually always loose it or something, not this time. My erection wasnt hard as a rock but it felt pretty decent to me and she said she loved it.

    It felt like an awesome sign for me, I know if I keep not PMOing I will slowly continue to improve, and I try to avoid as much self stimulation as possible, onl if my gf touches me im open to it.

    I just wanted to say thanks to VeniVidiVici and Modus for being active in my journal your responses and opinions and support really do help me, and I want to apologize for not being as active in your journals as you are in mine, I will try to change that, and thank you!
     
  5. VeniVidiVici

    VeniVidiVici New Member

    Re: Too many failed Attempts..

    No worries man, keep fighting those urges!!
     
  6. R3balance

    R3balance Active Member

    Re: Too many failed Attempts..

    I just crashed extremley hard

    Have gone 42 days without a PMO and now just almost 40,

    I have been fighting with my girlfriend like crazy, a fight over instagram of all things, she went from saying she loves me to an hour later starting a full blown fight with me saying vday is off were over, she hates me, the whole thing!

    It has been the only fight however she hasnt insulted my penis or me sexually, i think thats because we had had successful sex twice and she had given me head twice now, so I am not sure if she thinks I am fully better or what but I was getting erections with her very easily the past two weeks. And two days before this fight we had sex but it started hurting her after a couple minutes and she asked if I wanted to go until I came but she looked in pain so I stopped, Led to big MO urges. I saw some P images accidentally last morning which lead to stronger urges in the afternoon, then after fighting for 5 hours and crying a couple times I mod, no porn. Then fighting continued for hours I am not kidding I PMOD 4-5 times from then to this morning, my dick hurts and I havent done that in a very long time and i really regret it... I wasusing porn to jsut be able to orgasm and thats the worst thing I could possibly do

    At the end of last night (it was a crazy fight I cannot agree with what she is starting it over, or how she reacted at all) she told me she is clinically depressed, I dont know how to handle that. I feel terrible because after she started the fight and a few hours of me trying to ge tit to stop I got really mad and said some meen things to her like I called her a bitch, and crazy, all pretty bad things to say to someone whos depressed. Depressions is super dangerous and I am really scared like she told me I make her want to die,, I know she has issues with her father, but truthfully she has an awesome life she is gorgeous, in a really awesome school program has a lot going on for her, and I dont get why she is depressed. Im also worried for my health as fighting with her is driving me crazy, the way she has been thinking lately has been beyond ridiculous and so irrational and wrong, and I think it all could be because she is depressed.

    I dont know what to do with her, I love her so much and want her to be happy, but right now she is making me miserable, shes negatively affecting my school work and im missing deadlines and handing things in late, I feel like im allowing her so much control over my life, and all I want to do is make things work. I just care about her so much, but I need to start caring about myself as well, and I dont know how to handle this anymore, I either want to help her but I am working on THIS stupid thing as well and my own things, and work things out between us or find a way to break up in a nice way where I know she will be okay and is getting help on the right track..

    I really dont want to break up with her, but I am starting to feel as though I have to, I am really worried for her though, and I am starting to think we really arent right for each other or I feel like I cant become the person I want to become when I am with her. And I dont like doing so much for someone who doesnt appreciate it or think i care or love them, I just want things to work so bad :'(


    And PMO binging is disgusting I feel like I just broke my dick... which is sad because I was seeing amazing progress I thought.
     
  7. VeniVidiVici

    VeniVidiVici New Member

    Re: Too many failed Attempts..

    Wow man, that´s intense stuff. It is really tricky for me to establish what´s going on exactly, but I can say some things.
    First of all, trust me, it´s not about ED or anything (if so she really isn't the one for you), but don't give yourself a hard time because of this. I'm sure it isn't this.
    I have the tendency as well to fall for girls, who are mentally not that stable, which can be really fucked up. (Trust me I've been around the block when it comes to that.)

    In general though depression doesn't have to do with lifestyle, it's (at least to me) something mental/psychological, but also something biological. Never knew how to deal with it exactly though, in general again: follow your gut. Try to not take any rash decisions and do watch out not saying stuff you don't want to. On the other hand, you should come up for yourself. Don't know the whole situation enough to make a better assessment than this though I'm afraid.

    About the PMO, don't make it too hard on yourself, the whole thing just really sucks.. Try to free up your head (maybe go and exercise or something), and don't forget that you haven't ruined your progress. Yes it's a little setback, but your still on your way.

    Best of luck!!
     
  8. R3balance

    R3balance Active Member

    Re: Too many failed Attempts..

    Thanks a lot man!

    Yea it really has been intense latley and we talked things out today, I hadnt known myself what was happening with her, and I no it doesnt have to do anything with my PMO.

    After a really long, and not easy talk with her today and valentines day in a couple days, weve decided over the next couple days were going to think of whats best for each other, and if we stay together it would have to be as a team and help each other with both of our problems. Or individually breaking up and working on ourselves. I am going to go with her to the doctors and try to learn more about it because I dont know enough, and I am not sure how to handle it. She even told me herself she doesnt think its fair for me. And she has agreed to finally watch the yourbrainonporn videos with me, will be a nice refresher for me as I havent watched them in over a year!

    I know its hard for you to give advice when you dont know the full situation, I dont even feel like I understand it fully, so I really appreciate what you have said though.

    Yea I have been exercising greatly actually been on a set outline which i broke this monday due to being sick, but I will be going tomorrow and not breaking it again!! Perhaps I needed the rest anyway.

    It does suck but as long as I keep going you are right I will continue to get better thank you!
     
  9. VeniVidiVici

    VeniVidiVici New Member

    Re: Too many failed Attempts..

    That all sounds very reasonable, do try to give her some space though over the next coming days. She also has to have the feeling that she wants you around, that will make the relationship a lot stronger, otherwise she might feel suffocated.

    I've heard the it's not fair for you argument as well in my day, never sure what to make of it. Whether they actually mean it, or whether it's just a way of pushing you away. I, in general, always have stuck around and seen whatever happened.
     
  10. Fry

    Fry Guest

    Re: Too many failed Attempts..

    hey rebalance, after browsing through your journal i just wanted to leave a hi and a "you're not alone, man". i can so much relate to this terrible mixture of PE, partly ED, performance anxiety and therefore embarrassment with the girls and relapsing every now and then and things seem to get even worse. i'm batteling this sh*t over a year now and still struggeling. it so much sucks, but hey, there's no other alternative right? i'm trying to think positive and convince myself: no matter what, it will get better eventually, the fight will pay off someday (already has a lot, we both know that!) but it'll be possibly a hard & rough road and take an extended period of time. we will certainly grow from this challege man and think about this: you 've got this unique chance of quitting pmo by now with the young age of only 21 years - take it! ;-)
     
  11. R3balance

    R3balance Active Member

    Re: Too many failed Attempts..

    Yea I am pretty emotionally invested into this relationship, and a part of the problem has been she has been very antisocial with her other friends and I am the only one she ever wants to spend time with.

    I just PMO'd though,,,,,, Was def a big chaser I got an erection before looking at the P, was the same scene I binged too, not good.
    I am now thinking of putting K9 onto my computer and deleting Chrome and Safari, I am just worried with the Blocker it could affect websites I use for school, or for research for essays.

    I dont want to screw around with this anymore, I gota get past 30 days no O, VeniVidiVici def will have your success of 90/70 days in mind from here on out, and will start doing my homework away from home, I clearly cant be in fron tof a computer alone in my room everyday, just way too tempting.

    And I now will be holding myself accountable for a daily Journal and forcing myself to leave the home no matter what when an urge comes by, no Os at all with my gf either, Im getting to 30 to start, and reach a personal best, I think once I get past 30 things will get easier for me

    Thanks Fry,

    It def feels like a black hole or quick sand at times! Your right there isnt this is it, But we are here now fighting with the help of others as well, It really is nice to not feel alone anymore, I feel like my recent binge and chaser today has def knocked my progress back a bit but I am not at square one as long as I buckle down and make the changes and not relapse anymore.
    I know! I cant make it to 22 not conquered this I wont accept that, I seriously do fear for the younger generations though, It will be worse for them, and I think doctors need to start paying this some attention!

    Thank you Fry we can do it!!
     
  12. R3balance

    R3balance Active Member

    Re: Too many failed Attempts..

    Alright going to commit to logging nightly before bed now, works for Veni, gonna work for me too! Keep me on track, keep the goal insight and help perhaps in other ways as well.

    Day 1 | 1

    I have recently just set personal bests for me with being porn free 42 days followed by almost 40 days.

    My trip between 42 and 40 was not a binge, although my recent one was, it involved a MO followed by 3-5 PMOs I lost track, then 1 day my penis was soar and I had a chaser today and PMO'd once to the exact same scene.

    The Bad: Binging is the worst, literally physically hurts, let myself down, took a few steps backwards, let down my gf
    The Good: In the past 40 days My gf has given me head twice from start to finish, for the first time in my life!
    And we had sex twice, the first one I got harder when we switched positions I only lasted a couple minutes felt in control when going slowly but once I want hard mixed with her moans,, my PE popped. The second time was in the middle of the night and I didnt finish because she wasnt fully in the mood and she said it was hurting her. Lead to big O urges and I let those urges result into a big PMO binge after we had a big fight a few days after. End of the day MY FAULT


    Not starting over but feeling fresh even though I PMO'd today, I had a talk with my gf we have decided we are goin to work through things together, I am going to be more patient with her as I know she isnt fully herself, she is going to watch the videos with me and actively support me now.

    She has promised me she wont give me a hard time with not being sexual with her, as long as I promise not to touch myself from here on out until I do at least 30-60 without an 0, and Porn has to be out of the question. After she watches the videos with me I will be deleting chrome and safari and she will set the password for my k9 so I do not no it. I am not messing around anymore!

    Time is passing and I want to live in the present and enjoy life with no regrets. I cant change the past but I have control of what I do from here on out, and that goes for all of you as well!!

    I have completed 4 weeks of consistency at the gym, but I am currently sick right now and have decided to take the full week off, Monday I will be going back hard!

    Goog luck and goodnight everyone , I will check in tom before bed!
     
  13. VeniVidiVici

    VeniVidiVici New Member

    Re: Too many failed Attempts..

    Glad you guys worked it out for now, best of luck with your difficult task!!
     
  14. R3balance

    R3balance Active Member

    Re: Too many failed Attempts..

    Day 2|2


    Spent my day doing chores, pick up my gf after school brought her some dope flowers!

    Had nice dinner plan reservations had an amazing dinner things were ok, it was a late dinner she was exhausted, (wakes up at 5 am everyday plus stress shes burnt out all the time now)

    Sucks our rents arent cool with us sleeping over at eacho thers, caused some ridiculous drama, as we really wanted to end such a an awesome evening by sleeping together, was a damn shame had my silk sheets on and erything!

    Wish I could move out so bad!!!

    Just got home gonna watch the new suits, pass out wake up in 6 hours or what not to go to school with her then go to work after, I will check back on after my shift tom!
    urges were easy to avoid as it was vday all my focus was on her today and staying busy
     
  15. VeniVidiVici

    VeniVidiVici New Member

    Re: Too many failed Attempts..

    Haha a fellow Suits watcher, question though, why don't you just move out?
     
  16. R3balance

    R3balance Active Member

    Re: Too many failed Attempts..

    I live in a very expensive city, and I plan on being a fulltime student at least one more year minimum, it just isnt realistic, as I pay for my own school and I just have to make the best of it right now and know it wont be too much longer!

    I just cant see it being possible without making me even unhappier

    Suits is too sick! ;D
     
  17. VeniVidiVici

    VeniVidiVici New Member

    Re: Too many failed Attempts..

    Ok fair enough. Yup, Donna, Rachel.... damn..... And just the rest of the show of course.
     
  18. R3balance

    R3balance Active Member

    Re: Too many failed Attempts..

    Aha cant argue with ya there!! Thinkin that british guys gonna cause some shit before the season ends!

    Day 3|3

    Woke up early, went to school to do homework with my gf, went to work right after worked super late.

    Zero possibility to have looked at P or MO was exhausted when I got home

    Day 4|4

    Went to bed super late, spent the afternoon with me gf went for a walk, and worked again after! Just got home, feeling good, tired though, she may come over to sleep over soon which would be nice!

    Tom, planning on doing homework, going to the gym and not too much.

    Hope everyones doing well!
     
  19. R3balance

    R3balance Active Member

    Re: Too many failed Attempts..

    Day 5|5

    Struggle to control myself sexually with my girlfriend even though my erections are weak.. Bizarre and annoying her and me
    Been sleep deprived stressed eating junk food ,
    Energy is low
    Really up and down day,

    Saw some p images today unintentionally on Instagram ,, gotta avoid the following likes page
    Could feel dopamine release in my head, sex scene came on wheni was in kitchen and my dad and bro were watching a movie , unfortunate I saw glimpses and heard the moans,

    Resisting urges to Mo or PMO right this second are really hard, that's why I am writing on here now !! Gonna watch rest of a movie and have an early
    Night, hope the urges disappear and Tom is a way better day!
     
  20. Reginald

    Reginald 34y/o____________ STICK 2 THE SCRIPT

    Re: Too many failed Attempts..

    (I'm 34, Day 86 NoP/M)

    @R3balance,
    Hey young player. I just skimmed a bunch of your journal. You didn't ask for my input, nevertheless I feel compelled to say some shit.

    Please answer me these, as they are serious questions that point to your ability to get clean:
    *Why do you want to escape PMO?
    *What are the MEASURABLE RESULTS by which you will gauge you escape from PMO? "To feel better about myself" or some shit is NOT GOOD ENOUGH.

    About the relationship, here's something I JUST fucking figured out at age 33:

    If you are frequently fighting, angry at each other, and miserable in the relationship... JUST FUCKING STOP. My friend put it like this: "If something is too hard...then QUIT IT!" Be ruthless. This is YOUR MOTHERFUCKING LIFE.

    You're only 21 or whatever, you probably aren't going to marry this chick. Relationships end. Stop suffering.
     

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