Committing to a Porn Free Life. I CAN do this! Persistence is Everything.

Discussion in 'Ages 20-24' started by R3balance, Oct 26, 2012.

  1. Krebs

    Krebs Member

    Hello. Kegel`s is actually an exercises to strengthen pelvic floor muscles. https://www.mayoclinic.org/healthy-...in-depth/kegel-exercises-for-men/art-20045074
    http://www.pelvicfloorfirst.org.au/pages/men.html
    Those mucles is crucial for effective sex and peeing. Weak pelvic floor muscles= troubles in toilet and in bed. I have tried it earlier and it was the solution of my problems with peeing.
    There are a lot of studies about connection between strength of pelvic floor and absence of problems in toilet and bed. Most of tao sexual technics are combination of those exercises, meditation/breathing technics and some sex advices.https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC5209557/.
    Actually, tao sexual practices are about semen retention (orgasm without ejaculation), correct rhytme during intercourse and erotic massage before and during the se act of love. It is about love, not about sex and very different from porn-related scenes and concentrates on pleasing each other by proper control and usage of your own body. Well, most of the literature I had found about tao before this post is written on russian and I need time to make correct translations because google translate is not reliable enough and I am not professional translator, just a guy with some knowledge about russian and english. Try to google about Michael Winn and Mantek Chia by yourself, maybe you will be connected to different servers and find informations abour tao sexual technics written in english (by english? I am not sure, i am not native speaker). Or just by this https://www.amazon.com/Taoist-Secre...1&keywords=Michael+Winn&qid=1603561599&sr=8-1. There are a lot of such literature on Amazon but I have red it on russian and without hardcover so i am not sure about correct title of the book.. Well, good luck. Try it, maybe some of it will be useful in your case. And do not neglect the working out unless you sre serioussly ill\have an injury. Even inside the prison cell human being can train body very effectively and strong body will not harm you erection). Girls like strong, fit boyfriends and if you know that she is attracted to you than worries will be less impactful. You must not be Mister Olympia but being unfit, obese/skinny and untrained is not an option unless you are ill.
    There are some info about managing stress in tao. You know the answer. Meditation and emotional discipline. Your girlfriend is not a sex toy and you are not sex robot. fail sometimes in bed is actually normal. Everyone can fail. Human interaction is important, sex is just a pleasurable bonus. And if you are really want to rewire your brain and have great intimate reltionship with your girlfriend than just keep striving in life, job, studying, relationship, whatever. For me, it was much easier to avoid Pm`ing after I have stopped paying so much attention to my urges and dick and tried to focus on other things. Be careful with pills usage. erection is 90% brain arousal and 10% of yor dick/pelvic floor health. Viagra and so on are focused on these 10%. It only increases the blood flow into your dick and decreases out=your dick is full of blood and is hard. But viagra does not fix underlying nerological porn-induced issues. It can help sometimes and sometimes you will be needed to use it BUT do not depend on it. Think about sex like an act of love, not a test of your manliness. There are no sex exams.just forget about worries and...well, you know what to do next).
     
  2. R3balance

    R3balance Member

    move just never been able to do kegels find it confusing but I’ll read everything you’ve sent thanks mate!

    honestly what you said about pills I think is spot on.


    I’m going to share my experience with pill so if reading sex stuff triggers anyone please do not read rest of post.

    So I secretly took a generic cialis pill the other day.

    I cook dinner we hang out, I start getting aroused with her and we move to my room and I do somethings end up distracting us both and killing the vibe for both of us I’m soft and she’s not as into it. We talk I’m thinking the pill didn’t work so I’m like want me to take a viagra? Or half? She’s like I think you should throw those out we’ve talked about it and if you ever take anything try cialis but not viagra and I’d prefer it happens naturally.

    so we are cuddling and later it comes back I’m pretty horny and I felt confident in it and I took control of things and we had sex. I had a decent erection that I was happy with and even throw I had been inside her a few times I hadn’t been that hard or it got soft instantly. So this time I was good I just came ridiculously fast. Then I made sure she did too.

    cuddling after and I got into it again. Went a lot harder this time. Although I felt like I got softer inside she helped me stay into it and be present with her I came again

    I was kinda surprised I wasn’t lasting longer or having fuller erections. Then in the middle of the night same thing I woke her up and was ready again was identical to the last time was good and then I entered and could feel it wasn’t as full as when I went in.

    like if we changed positions I’d be softer and hard to reenter kinda thing.

    I came 3x tho and it was still sex. She asked me if I took a viagra and I said no. I wasn’t lying but I feel like it’s better this way. The next day we had sex twice and I didn’t cum either time and I lost my erection. Initial arousal was good and then I lost it while in the act. Then I got aroused again and was using my hand and her feet and stuff and I couldn’t finish even though she wanted me too. Said think I’m just tired 3x is a lot for me right now.

    anyways huge relief we finally had sex, the last two days we had so much fun, felt close, connected had two nice date nights. She met my best friends finally too and that went really well.

    I’m worried that I have so much more healing to do based off my experience with the pill but excited because I have so much more to offer her physically and I really want to get to that point. I just don’t like the feeling of not having a hard full erection that i can feel I’m filling her up and she can feel more pressure from me.

    I know she wants a Harder fuxk but she’s being great and supportive in the mean time. I think she knows I’m committed to getting better and she believes things will continue to improve.

    anyways I’m gonna get more of these pills and use them very sparingly. As needed. If I have failures ina row and I feel myself or her is frustrated or needs it for the extra boost.

    hoping they can help the journey more than hurt it. Just in stress relief feel like it will.

    they aren’t as strong as regular brand cialis I don’t think though. And it gave me a bit of a headache.

    I also drank wine and smoked weed not sure if that affects anything too but overall was a success. Wasn’t exactly how I thought it would go but like I said I’m still happy!

    Really needed that connection with her.

    it’s kind of funny though like taking the pill brought me to like where I was at two years ago while using pmo sparingly. So I feel like if I get fully better my baseline will be better than that and if I ever used a pill at that point it would be insane.

    anyways I’m hoping that’s the case and I hope the longer I go without P and PMO together the better my erections will get. I just missed having really good ones if you know what I mean.

    no porn urges at all for me since last post either.

    my mental battle with it is as strong as ever now I feel very insulted from it and will continue living every day with porn as not an option.
     
  3. R3balance

    R3balance Member

    Part of does wonder if my weaker erections are just no pmo healing and stress or if something else is causing it / affecting me.

    really hope it’s just that and it’ll continue to get better though
     
  4. Krebs

    Krebs Member

    Well, viagra was created as treatment for people with cardiovascular illnessess. Erection was just a side effect, such as headache, nausea, red cheeks and so on. It has zero effect on brain. Viagra does not make people horny, horniness come from brain. Of course you can take pills, feel erection and thus become aroused (with tightness in pants it is hard to think about relativistic physics) but usually things do not work this way. It is similar to manual stimulation. I actually can not get decent erection without manual stimulation and porn does not help at all because erection is 10% from direct impact on genitals (viagra, masturbating) and 90% from brain agitation. There is a thing called neuroplasticity. You can read a lot about it from Norman Doige`s books. Our brain can adapt to any stimuli by changing its own neural connections and force its own parts to "relearn" in case of need. For porn, it can be numbing response if scene was already watched or something similar was already watched. As a result-seek for novelty and then only pervert scene can cause arousal. That is actually why there are a lot of heterosexual porn addicts who get aroused by homo. But there is some good. Unused neronal circuits tend to be degraded over time. Over years, actually. that is actually main reason why reboot is so hard. Porn is very similar to real sex and can create more agitation. Then in real world you may face struggles in bed simply because your neronal pathways are not used to real sex which is not as agitated as porn. The only way to shut up old patterns is to cut PM and continue real world relationships. It can be dissapointing, frustrating and ...you name it but real. Well, it all is easier to say then do. Try some kegels, it will not harm but definitely be useful. And try to use some placebo. Pills from powder similar to viagra or solute pills in water and create similar probes to trick your brain. There were people whom used this strategy to fight insomnia without pills. Well, good luck and keep striving.
     
  5. R3balance

    R3balance Member


    Thanks mate i appreciate everything you share with me and your support/encouragement.
     
  6. R3balance

    R3balance Member

    Few more days have gone by, Really aroused in mornings only when I wake up..

    That is a positive though and I wont take it lightly. I am happy about it.

    Am I confident I could perform well or at all right now.. no I am not especially after last night.

    But last night I was with my gf and we gave each other massages no pressure of anything. She knew I was very tired and there was no pressure on me at all. She def wanted me. But What we did was incredibly hot I really enjoyed it and so did she. I didnt get upset about not getting hard and neither did she.

    So that was a positive. Going home I was stunned I didnt though it was a lot and I really enjoyed it. So still sad I cant fully express my self and my feelings physically the way I need/want to.

    Really looking froward to being better.

    In the morning we had a nice phone call and then she sent me this later in ref to porn addiction:

    I think thats a good thing? It got me a little emotional watching it and reflecting on the struggle and journey and how supportive she has been of me. Teared up a little. It is just the hardest thing ever and people who havent experienced it just simply dont understand.

    Keep digging deep inside everyone and dont give up on saying good riddance to the P
     
  7. Shield of Valoran

    Shield of Valoran New Member

    Hey man. I'm really happy that you've found a relationship with a partner who has such a healing influence on your life. That's so rare to find, and it sounds like you're being so vulnerable with her. That's amazing. Addiction is hard but you're doing the work to get through it, and I believe you're gonna make it through.

    As for being intimate with her, PIED doesn't have to be the end of sex. I know you can't express yourself sexually as much as you'd like, but you can still be a generous lover even if you can't get yourself hard. I'm sure you probably already knows this, but it's worth repeating.

    You're doing great, man.
    T.
     
    R3balance likes this.
  8. R3balance

    R3balance Member


    Thanks man our relationship is very unique and we are formign very deep bonds with eachother. We feel blessed ot have one another and I am very grateful with her attitude adn feelings towards my sexual issues. I do know all this but itts nice to read again. Its just discouraging. Like I dont even want to watch porn but a part of me wants to see how hard my dick would get with it. Like what if it woudlnt even respond well does that mean I am just ocmpletley fucked up now? But I think thats the addcit brain trying ot trick me into a relapse so I silence that little voice very quick.

    So last night haven't O since we had sex last. We are intimate the night before no repsonse from me but we still had an amzing time. Last night was about me but notthign was happening enough and I was exhausted. In the morning I felt confident so I kinda played with myself and finsihed on her. It was kind of forced. I felt like I really needed to O and I really didnt want ehr to see my erection because it wasntt that hard, and it was on I had to concenttrate so hard on it. Even almost thought of an old pron scene then I ended it and just ofcused on her right beside me and what we did the night before together. I kinda got soft part way through I kept going and was firm enough to finsih by tthe end. But honestly as much as I needed the release.

    I felt sad inside. I held back tears. Becuase I cant be upset or cry everytime I O with her or arent happy with my sexual function.

    Anyways I was sad becasue I know I owuldntt of been able ot have sex with her, it was really difficult to O and it didnt feel as good as it should have.

    I am surprsied with my sexual function I really am. I am quite fit and a lot healthier then for th epast two years. I am 100+ days clean of P. I do no tMO alone at all in thatt time. And I only O with my partner and its not that often. I also have the emotional connection. and the phsycial atttraction.

    But I feel liek even if I was MOing alone it would be the same. A challenge.

    The only thing keeoing me from thtinking this is a physcial issue is that the Cialis wasnt that effective. Like i didntt have an amazing erection.

    It has to jsut be my brain and dopamine recepttors are going through some major changes/healing and my stress.anxiety.

    I am hopeful things will start improving soon.


    I really appreciate your encouragement and support.
     
    UK Don and Shield of Valoran like this.
  9. R3balance

    R3balance Member

    It is tough seeing so many guys on here relapsing so often stuck in the thick iof there addiciton pattern. And then theres me thinking if I got to where I was now when I was younger Id have been so much healthier sexually.

    HArd to live in regret. But fellas stop wasting your time. We only have so much and ttomorrow isnt a gurantee.

    And Shield of Valoran thanks again really appreciate your post and reading and following my journey.
     
    Shield of Valoran likes this.
  10. R3balance

    R3balance Member

    Feeling positive right now.

    I am waking up with bloodflow and some sort of erection daily now. Or nocturanl ones.

    They arent rock hard or the fullest. And sensittivity is not where I think it shoudl be but still progress.

    No flatline dead dick compeltley.

    Urges are low. I am just so motivated to be with my partner and have a real sex life not a fake one with myself and the internet.

    Just going to keep doing what I am doing and believe things will improve.

    I am trying to stay away from taking the pills again as I would like to have a natural sexual experience but it doesnt seem to be happening. I had a really big opening last night while watching a show to make a secxy move and initate things but nothing was happening downstairs and I could feel tired.

    I am smoking a lot of weed latley almost daily and I am not sure if it affecting my erecttions/ sensitivitty and overall sexual energy. I sitll have the desire and am getting the blood flow I talk about around sleeping and night time. But it it doesnt feel solid enough for active pentration and sexual function. Even just self stimulating with it is a challenge.

    My partner is not pressuring me at all. I am just very excited about what our sex life will be like when I am healthy/recovered. It is going to be a lot of fun and I feel like it will put us in a new honey moon phase and cement our bond together.

    Really looking forward to that. I feel like if our 2020 relationship sruvives covid, this year and she supports me overcome my biggest addiciton life deterrent I could do anything with her and I will probbaly look very long term with her.

    Hope things go well. I feel I am strong enough now to overcome this for good. Jsut need to keep carrying on.

    Hope everyone is having a great day!

    And sorry for my grammar on here I just type fast and there isnt a grammar checker built in that I can see. I am just a sloppy typer when I am not writing something formally. In case reading my posts hurts anyone in that way haha
     
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  11. UK Don

    UK Don Active Member

    Mate this is so good to read. I think you’re closer than you realise - If you look at the bigger picture you have every piece of the puzzle in place (girl you love, you’ve opened up, she’s supportive) apart from this last one (solving the ED). And, with regard to that, you’re on a massive no P streak!

    As many have said before, years of damage will often take longer to solve than a prescribed 90 days for everyone. Keep going and have faith!
     
    R3balance likes this.
  12. Krebs

    Krebs Member

    Congrats, man, you are doing great!
     
    R3balance likes this.
  13. R3balance

    R3balance Member

    Thanks so much for tthis.

    I really really appreciate it.

    I dont know if things are going to work out with her honestly. Beyond the sex part we have some issues in compatability and communication. And just commitment issues.

    I feel like not having a healthy sex life is an issue in the sense we cant connect on that level in a healthy way and release those chemicals together. Even though its not a deal breaker for her I feel like it tis affecting our rleationshiop negativley.

    We have been gettting into litttle arguements that are pettty and I dontt think we should be at this early stage.

    It is a difficult year for everyone honeslty stress levels are high on all fronts from covid.

    I hopoe I am close. Its just ahrd to sttay hopeful. It almost feels like just blind faith in process taht doesnt have enough science behind it to give. aclear expectation.

    I think I have to stay away from self stimulating when I am with her and try to O less unless its from her.

    And if we break up, which I have a dark feeling in my stomache that we are on the verge of I will have to stay VERY STRONG not to relapse. And I will probably lean on my talk therapist and this journal very hard. And maybe even my one friend I opened up about my issue to.
     
  14. R3balance

    R3balance Member

    Thanks man I really appreicate this. Support is really so helpful, it really is. Even so subtle, This is such a hard issue to talk about.

    Its so destructive to self worth/image and masculinity. Feel incomplete as a person knowing if a beutiful girl bent over in front of me naked I wouldnt even be able to do nothing right now.

    Thank you again for your support and I hope you can identify your pattern disrupt it and work on coping with your feelings or avoidance of feelings with another outlet other than PMO.
     
  15. R3balance

    R3balance Member

    Sorted out the misunderstanding with my girl but we’ve backed away from things little.

    taking away the title of bf/gf. We didn’t really talk about clear expectations and our communication has broken down a little.

    Now isn’t the time. She kinda feels very close then very far and I respect her space and freedom understanding she is a free spirit.

    we haven’t done anything sexual in a couple weeks now, we’ve had some hangouts, cuddles, sleep overs where I’ve been touchy with her and we’ve been Affectionate with cuddles. I am imitating kisses and hugs and I’ve noticed the amount of compliments from her have greatly decreased.

    I feel like she’s at the point sexually with me where she probably doesn’t want to imitate things with me and it fails upsetting us both.

    so I think / feel she wants me to be dominant with her and when I feel confident or want it to just take control and initiate things. Problem is I don’t have the confidence in that right now..

    I know how I want to be and I know how I want things to feel. I’m just not there yet.

    it’s kind of hard with this issue because not connecting sexually or having stress/negativity or shame or anything around sexual failure it really does weaken the relationship even if just a little. I feel she already has commitment issues and the bad sex life with me is hard to commit to fully.

    I truly think if that part of the dynamic was super satisfying our relationship would be very different. Think she’d be more into the commitment and I’d be a lot more confident in everything I do.

    Well I’m at 112 days P free and since I masturbated to porn. Pretty insane. I’ve never ever been this far away from P. So I am very proud of this accomplishment.

    Yesterday I had a trigger. Excessive Cleavage in a show, I just looked away and distracted my thoughts. Then today on Instagram there was a post about the pope Ig account liking a photo of an IG model girl I saw a few images and almost went down the rabbit hole. I blocked the accounts and turned my phone off, got
    Some fresh air and then went back in and watched a tv show. That was probably the closest to P I have been or an old trigger -that would lead to an autopilot relapse. My brain freaked out screamed NO NO NO NO NO BLOCK AND OFF BLOCK AND OFF. I did just that and I’m fine.

    proud of myself for this.

    especially since I’m feeling very down financially with a few big bills out of nowhere, a vehicle change / sale that didn’t work out, a wedding coming up I don’t know what I’m going to wear, Christmas gifts, low work motivation or fulfillment and covid pains, and uncertainty with my current girl / maybe turning into a loving fwb or open Relationship. Which is a worry if it could ruin things between us or ruin the trust we built up with one another.

    Pity party aside lots of other things are going well but lots aren’t and I’m not where I wanted to be at 29.

    the worst part is I’m not taking action in improving things as well as I’d like. And lack of action I think is what makes anxiety worse.

    positives are she’s still a big part of my life
    She will help me with rewiring overall

    I do love her but I need to adjust my expectations to where we are at with things

    I know she loves me even if that is expressed differently then how I do

    I’m making progress in the porn addiction Front and need to surrender to the process and just believe I am healing, and one day I will be normal

    29 is young, I have a financial baseline and it’s up to me to explore my artistic side to see if I can Develop this to the point I can monetize this into a career on the side

    I do think with my anxiety and year I’ve had I may be a little depressed. I don’t like getting out of bed, I just want to do the bare minimum for my work, kick box, walk dog or watch tv and play phone games.
    I wish I was spending more of my time improving my current work situation or developing skills for life after this or a side career that could become my primary eventually.

    Biggest things I’m not doing are I Should be reading books for self development and for just literacy and also practicing and taking classes developing skills I enjoy and want to use in my life going forward.

    I need to take action here and make a goal to read a book or set a time to read that I follow through on. Last three books I’ve tried to read I have left unfinished and I can’t keep blaming my accidents injuries and concussion from over two years ago.
     
  16. Shield of Valoran

    Shield of Valoran New Member

    Hey R3balance,

    So proud of you for hitting 112 days no P. That's amazing, what an achievement. It takes a lot of discipline. You're on your way!

    Your entries on here show a lot of anxieties about intimacy and I think it might be getting to a stage where you may need to do a bit more research on this type of thing outside of NoFap/Rebooting. I remember reading somewhere that men who were anxious about sex were the ones who underperformed. I haven't done the research myself but I would try to look into it a lot more and maybe investigate the issue. I think your anxiety about under-performance might actually be exacerbating any ED you may be having. But I could also be wrong! Just some two cents from my unprofessional opinion, aha. I'm glad you guys have a good connection. Respect your boundaries and hers and your relationship will flourish. There are some good talks by Lewis Howes on Youtube about relationships that might elucidate some things for you. Look them up. :)

    Also as for getting into a reading habit: I used to only read things that I really cared about, even though I bought books constantly on all topics. I find that we aren't motivated to learn new topics because we don't find them familiar, but it's not too difficult to do if you make it habitual. I usually read when I'm commuting and before bed. Start small with something you know you'll like and work from there. Also avoid falling into the trap of thinking reading a book is the only valid way of reading. Prior to digesting books, I would read longform journalism and news articles and I still count myself as an avid reader.

    Proud of your progress, man. It takes a lot of hard work. Keep it up.

    T.
     

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