Committing to a Porn Free Life. I CAN do this! Persistence is Everything.

Discussion in 'Ages 20-24' started by R3balance, Oct 26, 2012.

  1. R3balance

    R3balance Member

    Well here I am in need of journalling.

    If anyone reads through my journey from Page 1 to here that is a form of support and I thank you. To anyone who skims through and replies to me or offers encouragement or support in anyway I am grateful to you.

    To you all struggling with this right now I have the most empathy ever for all of you.

    This has been brutal.

    I have been actively trying to quit watching porn for over 10 years.

    After my last post I struggled was back with my ex and had a somewhat dysfunctional relationship as long as I took a week off from O or PMO I would be kinda okay to be intimate. When we broke up in 2017 for good I fell down the rabbit hole and had a pity party for myself and hit the PMO binge hard. Then I spent the next 10 months focusing on my hobbys, my fitness and my health. Had great progress. Was PMOing much less frequently and my self confidence was pretty high. Was still missing companionship and a healthy sex life though. I felt I was ready to try dating again, felt enough time had gone on with my ex to start dating and I was going to do a 30 day hardmode no PMO and then give dating a try.

    Well life had other plans I got smashed in 2 car accidents in 10 days and it set me back emotional, psychologically and physically for 2 years. I have had a very rough 1.5-2 years, Very overwhelming, my PMO habits reached FUCK it levels talking 1-3 hours coconut oil, headache etc aggravating my car accident injuries you name it. Would go a week and then have an absolute dopamine binge. I also became addicted to video games. Mostly COD and Apex Legends I was playing hours and hours, days and days. Sometimes the gaming made my PMO worse sometimes it substituted it. Regardless it was bad for my health. I am no longer playing video games and if I do its for very short infrequent bursts other than some clash Royale on my phone here and there.

    Motivated by a friend who lost his legs in an accident and took a terrible situation and is now a Paralympic athlete motivating/inspiring people to not give up on yourselves. And this is from someone who could never actually have sex again. I felt I had no excuse to give up on aspects of my life.

    Yes I am unhappy with my work, yes I was in car accidents gained 50lbs and my PMO habits were at an all time low.

    But my problems in relation to lots of others who go about living their days creating positives out of negatives was very manageable and I was very hard on myself.

    Sick of excuses I got help.

    I found a counsellor who has been an angel in my life. She is kind of my rock. No matter what she will be there for me (of course I have to pay) but she'll be there.

    Fall 2019 I was cleared for physical activity again and I jumped in with a personal trainer, tried boxing etc. It ended up being a little too much as I wasn't losing weight at a good rate, and I was extremely sore all the time aggravating my recovering injuries. So I scaled back and focused on volume I could handle and found a really nice balance focusing on mobility work and lots of self massage and rehab in-between weight training.

    Was doing better with PMO as well, I was also looking after a dog which I thought was great for me.

    Feeling healthier and happier and libido feeling stronger I met a really fantastic girl Jan 28 2019. Great connection and when I got home I had the most sexual energy ever for this girl. I knew if she came home with me that night I would have been able to have sex with her no PIED and it empowered me.

    So I continued no porn and we began to date.

    We both hadn't dated in 2 years and were both very comfortable taking things slow. We went on multiple dates, connected, opened up to each other and on our third date I told her about my porn / masturbation addiction. Was insanely hard for me to do. Only people I have ever told were my Ex of 8 years (off/on), and my recent counsellor.

    She didn't even think it was a problem kind of brushed it off. Tried talking about it a few times I kinda wanted to explain it better but I didn't want to get weird about it.

    Anyways we were at the point were I thought we would start getting intimate and COVID happened she had to leave the city and go home and be with her family as she lost her job and had more support there.

    Relationship on ice.

    I ended up getting a puppy during covid times, stopped going to gym (struggled to do some home workouts), with puppy stress, job stress, family stress, no relationship in sight what did I do?

    Relapse HEAVY. For a good 2.5 months at least. and I gained all the weight I lost in the fall back on. (Even though this would have been the perfect hardcode no pmo time so that when lockdown ended I would be ready to go for her or for anyone.. so I was very upset with how that went)

    Since July I have been kickboxing. Honestly think it is saving my life right now. That plus counselling and my puppy are really helping me a lot.

    I haven't looked at porn since around July 20th. And since then I have masturbated 3x all night time spontaneous erections awaking in my sleep and the most recent one I didn't finish which was strange and I have been in a very intense flatline since that. With frequent urination and insomnia with dead dick and dulled reward circuitry. Asides form Kickboxing, feeling improvements there and getting positive feedback and encouragement has been unbelievable gratifying for me.

    During COVID lockdown I almost met up with my ex multiple times. I was very horny, lonely and vulnerable. I was so proud of myself for stopping myself but I used it as an excuse to masturbate as I had fantasied about hook ups or meeting up with her then the scenario that it would be and it got me very aroused. So I used porn to wash that away. There was one day in particular in July where I had trouble with porn even and was forcing it and I realized that was the sign I had done a lot of damage this relapse to myself after a lot of slow gradual progress over the fall and winter.

    Counselling as helped me pick myself up quicker. And there was a lot of uncertainty surrounding the girl I met in Jan returning. When I found out when she was returning it motivated me so much.

    I have accepted a life without porn now. All the times prior I never had fully accepted that. I liked it too much, I missed it too much. My motivation is so strong right now as its been so long and I can't feel this disconnect, emptiness and shame any longer. I need to have a healthy sex life to have a happy life.

    I feel so incomplete and almost dehumanizes and emasculates me.

    Anyways fast forward dating her again it felt like we had to start over due to the break. So I thought awesome give me some time to get some no pmo days under my belt.

    But at this time I am worried because my sex drive has been so low, I was not feeling aroused when kissing, no morning erections, no spontaneous night ones as I normally would get going on streaks like this before.

    Before getting to 30 days was so difficult because I would be horny AF and would always MO and then have chasers that lead to porn to get that dopamine HIGH and numb myself from all my anxiety, avoidance and feelings in general.

    But this time has been different I think I am in Flatline. Something I have never had to this extent. I am not sure if it is because of my age, my amount of failed attempts, or the way I PMO with long edging binge sessions sometimes a week apart which probably would just hammer my dopamine receptors. So maybe that way was even worse than constantly watching.

    But anyways I am in quite the Flatline. I have had two sexual encounters now with my new girl of interest. Not even a chub on my part. Completely flaccid.

    First time was more exciting at night she wasn't too upset and I had fun with her. We were both very nervous and talked about it cause it had been a long time for both of us. I took a small bite out of 100mg viagra like it probably was 10-15 mg. IT DID NOTHING. Though it would help mentally. The pill was probably old and less effective unfortunately . Then we had a really big talk after even talked about viagra I didn't tell her I took that bite, I did tell her I have a pill in the car which may or may not help as the issue isn't my dick but my brain and she was against me taking it which I found comforting. Then we talked again the next day about it and I felt like my head caved in as she sounded very unsure.

    She had never experienced or met someone with this problem. She likes porn herself so doesn't understand. She says wants to understand it better and that we have known each other since January and hadn't thad sex so what's a little longer? Anyways my anxiety was INSANE through the roof. Family dog walks, naps, counselling, time with friends and kickboxing all helped.

    Anyways our last time was last night about 7-8 days after. Still no PMO ofc! Even had 2 morning erections in that time, which was comforting. Started with a massage then I just played with her left my underwear on completely cause I just knew I was dead. It was fun for awhile. BUT it killed the vibe I could tell. Like we were both thinking about it. You could feel it. IT was missing. After awhile I realized she wasn't going to finish, we were both sweating so we cuddled and talked about it after a little bit. She told me her mind was wandering throughout. And tbh mine was too. I felt so disappointed. So we talked about just watching a movie together a little later in the evening. I went home and she sent me a text before I left to come back saying sorry something happened with her best friend when she was away with her bf and needed to talk to her :(.

    Immediately I thought about myself like fuck she's going to tell her friend now. I had asked her if she could keep it to herself my sexual problems the first night and I am just going to trust she does but I couldn't help but think she's def going to talk with her about it. Hoping she doesn't. This morning she's been kinda distant and short with her texts and we have a trip planned together for 6 days not this week but the week after. And I don't know if she's being distant exactly or I am just feeling the anxiety, nerves insecurity of last night and its heightened I just want her to reassure me "you will get through this", "it will be great when your back" I feel like. Need that so bad from her. So I am trying to say it to myself as I have lots of negative thoughts right now I am really battling with them and trying to replace them with positive ones.

    I am going to just play it cool. Ask her sometime this week to hangout and I will also ask her if she wants to read about my problem.

    I think I would send her the YBOP page explanation of it, and an article about rewiring with a partner and one explaining what flatline is as that is what I am in right now. And then she can read at her own leisure and ask me questions. As each persons journey is very different.

    I am hopping by when we go for our trip 10 days from now I am out of this flatline or at least during the trip I get out of it.

    I know the rewiring is good. I just can't believe I am completely dead with her. I am very attracted to her, I have gotten to know her to the point I actually care about her and have an emotional connection with her. We communicate pretty well all things considered.

    I have cried a little now after both times in private. Today I opened up to a childhood friend who discovered porn with me. 4th person I have shared my problem with now. Found out he has his own porn induced struggles not exactly like mine but he does have some and it felt really nice to have that talk with him today.

    Lots of I statements here..

    Anyways talking with my friend, made me think I need to start journalling while I am in this flatline. I am not counting days as I don't think its healthy for me as its a countdown to a rocket launch or explosion and it usually stresses me out.

    What I am going to do:

    1. NO PORN EVER
    2. M as little as possible
    3. Rewire with this girl as much as I can and hopefully things start clicking before she throws in the towel or for whatever reason she can't do it. Whether it affects her mental health or whatever. It is my problem and it isn't her responsibility to fix it. Her support will be greatly appreciated if she helps me though
    4. Focus on my physical health continue exercising and not binging any sugar (which I have been doing well with)
    5. Continue my talk therapy with my counsellor
    6. Put more effort into my work even though I don like it, neglecting it is causing me background stress, anxiety by increasing my feelings of avoidance and of being overwhelmed
    7. Journal on here
    8. I may order some supplements like citruline malate and shit and drink more coconut water


    If anyone read through this big thanks to you.
    If anyone wants to give me feedback, support, encouragement again big thanks to you!

    To anyone reading it and going through similar experiences if you don't have someone in person you can't talk to about this prioritize it. It helps.

    Thank you for reading.
     
  2. R3balance

    R3balance Member

    So no P urges at all today.

    Woke up early about an hour or so before I wanted to. Had a great sleep thanks to a J from the girl I am with right now.

    Insomnia has been bad but I have been having low does the/cbd gummies 2.5-5mg / gummy.

    Last two nights she's given me some weed that is very low THC indica that has been helping me sleep big time.

    Both nights I smoked before bed I had the best sleeps, had nocturnal morning erections (hard to describe but I classify these as testosterone erections and not dopamine field morning wood ones if that makes sense) wake up without wood but with sexual energy and thoughts that quickly lead to an erection. Feels great cause I am in a brutal flatline and any blood flow down there makes me very happy..

    Anyways I didn't masturbate but I looked at it and put my fingers around the base and just flexed it to see how it was doing. Had thoughts about MOing but I resisted. And went back to sleep for another hour.

    Both nights I woke up and had killer boxing workouts on empty stomach. Saturday in a class and today with one of my best friends. Did 2 hours today and felt fantastic.

    After I just had some sushi, hung out at home, spent time with the fam, had some great phone calls with the girl I am seeing which put my post failed encounter anxiety fully out, cleaned up my room and did laundry and started working on important work I have been putting off since June 30th.

    Kind of blame COVID and being bored / stressed with work by avoiding important admin tasks.

    Anyways can't put it off any longer its terrible for business and adds to my overall anxiety / feeling of overwhelmed and all effect my overall mental health state which could be a part of my current flatline. So I have to put my head down this week and just get work done I have been avoiding.

    I did talk about my P process with a board member who PMd me. I won't say who as it s aPM for a reason but I typed out my exact P consumption from relapse to binge to how I use, how I edge and what I watch and why. My complete process I was worried this could spark memories or feed my addict brain but my mental strength is very strong right now and I am too strong to let that affect me.

    I think understanding and recognizing your pathways are important. Makes blocking them a lot easier.

    To anyone who read this, thank you.

    Continue fighting, if you had a PMO free day congrats you are strong! If you relapsed today, you are also strong. Why? Because you are on here reading, connecting, trying to relate, trying to learn and not giving up on yourself.

    Never give up and visualize/manifest success.

    We can all do this.
     
  3. UK Don

    UK Don Active Member

    Pleased to hear you've managed to kill that anxiety, makes it easier to get on with the rest of your life without dragging that weight around mentally. Keep up the progress, I'll be following your journal too!
     
  4. CidGuerreiro

    CidGuerreiro Well-Known Member

    Pretty brave of you to tell this girl you're dating about your porn problem. I actively lied to the girl I'm seeing and blamed it on anxiety meds, which are known to cause a loss of libido. I don't even consider telling her about it... The moon is closer to me right now than the will to tell her about it, which is why I really admire you being so honest with the girl.

    I also relate to the pandemic making things way worse than they had to be. Sitting around at home all day, quitting the gym, working from home as well (rather than being around my co-workers, with whom I get along really well)... Not to mention the anxiety from the pandemic itself (that part is better now... people barely care about the virus anymore). Anyway, nothing we can do about it, other than our best. Stay strong, pal.
     
  5. R3balance

    R3balance Member

    Anxiety isn't gone I just manage it a lot better and understand it comes and goes and I have figured out ways to cope/manage it through kickboxing, talk therapy, breathing, visualizing hotel visitors and talking about it openly with those close to me when waves are high.

    Thanks mate I really appreciate the connection, the support and the encouragement!
     
  6. R3balance

    R3balance Member


    Honestly I do not think I could be honest about it with just anyone. I think she is special and we spent time establishing trust and got to know each other early where we felt safe sharing and being honest with one another.

    I think its just the fit. But since sharing with my counsellor back in January I am more open with talking about it then ever before. Shame leads anxiety and talking about these things openly to people you can trust who wont judge you is very powerful.

    That is a good excuse honestly and I have been there before making excuses, stress, booze, not over ex etc. But I think being wiht someone compassionate or open minded enough to not internalize our issue onto themselves and to support and work with us is key in finding a partner to be with. It makes rewiring also feel fun and exciting rather than terrifying and shameful.

    I am feeling blessed ot have met, connected and built this relationship with such a special person in my life now. I don't know if it will last, what it will become. But I believe we met each other for a reason and at the right times in our lives where we can both support and help each other through some things and have fun while doing it.

    YES pandemic made things VERY HARD. I agree and understands all your points very difficult for all klinds of addicts especially like us during lock down and even now its still difficult

    Thank you as well for your support, feedback, connection and for the encouragement!

    We can do this!
     
  7. R3balance

    R3balance Member

    Quick Journal entry.

    Spent 4 nights with my new boothang this week. She supported me in multiple ways (not just on this recovery), we fooled around lots, saw progress on my side, very affectionate and had lots of fun.

    We are going away on a 5 night trip together next week so this was a great warm up and I am incredibly comfortable with her.

    Can be completely honest about everything, very comfortable naked sleeping and showering together, can be 100% myself and feel accepted and attractive, no presure at all on my performance anymore and we had lots of open communciation on sex stuff.

    I also explained to her my porn process how I consumed porn, how I browsed, what I watched, how I watched and how i relapses and my patterns and pathways and explained the dopamine edging high rather than real arousal.

    Had zero triggers and felt so nice to be heard, listened to. She really wants to understand it and its making me feel so close to her.

    I am starting to catch serious feelings for her and I am really looking forward ot getting out of this flatline and having that connection with her.

    I did O with her our las tnight together.

    I physically felt like it needed to happen. My prostate felt swollen, was having issues peeing, my balls hurt and it was stressing me out.

    I have agreed to not MO alone and only O when I am with her and rewiring physical interactions and lead up is involved.

    Any ways she worked with me to get me to O.

    O was massive, Erection wasnt great and sensation wasnt great either.

    Either way it felt like progress this week and today the day after I have felt less dead downstairs overall even getting some bloodflow randomly at times today.

    So ya I truly dont think complete abstince is the answer at eaest for me except for the initial 30 days. the only danger to Oing for me is lighting up familiar MO pathways that are connect so strongly to PMO that it leads me down the rabbit hole. My way around it is to strictly only O with her in real life and she loves that. Its almost like a dom / sub fetish where I can only be sexual or finish in her rpecense lol.

    Anyways hope everyone is doing well and taking it day by day.

    If you can learn anything from me or my experiences AMAZING!

    Good luck everyone I wont be on for the next week as I will be away but stay strong!
     
  8. R3balance

    R3balance Member

    I’ve had some progress since my last post.

    since that O I have been having some morning Erections and regular nocturnal erections. Even some random ones. With more rewriring and Os with partner involved.

    I’ve lost erectiosn to in her mouth which has sucked but she’s being very cool and working with me to take the attention and pressure off me getting an erection.

    can really feel like initial arousal at times or in the morning and then it’s really hard to maintain my erection / arousal level right now with her.

    she’s such a cool girl and I truly feel supported by her.

    she’s even encouraging me to maybe see a reflexologist to experiment with pressure points on my feet for arousal and then sharing it with her if it works lol. I don’t know much about it but I think it’s cool she’s looking at alternative ways of helping me.

    I’m taking some supplements too. They may be helping they may not be I don’t know but I feel like I’ve been making progress Overall.

    taking:

    - xtend helps with boxing recovery and has citruline malate which is supposedly good for blood flow
    - tyrosine suppose to be good for dopamine receptors
    - Costco men’s multi
    - odourless garlic pills
    - curcumin good for inflammation
    - maca with ginseng

    not sure if they are helping or I’m just making continued progress from being further away from P and from improving my health through boxing and rewiring with a real life partner I have feelings for and have a connection with

    Anyways wanted to check in and share with anyone following my progress. Hope everyone’s had a great day!
     
    UK Don likes this.
  9. R3balance

    R3balance Member

    So had a lot of family drama and heavy stress in life with a family member who is an addict causing major issues and dividing the family in wiht how to intervene/help/let go etc.

    My new lady had been very supportive with this.

    I have formed quite the bond with her and really love her now. Wild to me to be in love with someone and I havent even had sex with her. But we are in love and shes really supporting me in every way as she can see I am doing everything I can to be better and this doesnt define me as a person. Feel very accepted and loved.

    Feel blessed to have this new relationship in my life.

    Porn urges have not been there there have been some thoughts and flashes but no real danger at all.

    As for my progress rewiring, I am beg to show signs of life and responding to some real life sex triggers like cuddling, dirty talk etc and I am getting initially aroused.

    I am losing my erections very easily or quickly though once my focus breaks, I move, she gets too involved etc whihc is getting really frusterating for me. But I keep syaing to myself this is progress. A month ago I couldnt even get an erection with her..

    Progress is progress. Shes curious if maybe I use a cock ring once I get an intial erection and I pop it on maybe Ill be good to go. So we may go down to the sex store together and pick out sme things to try see what happens!

    Anyways, I dont feel pressured, rushed I feel very loved and supported and I am grateful.

    Honestly it feels like a perfect match for me and I am falling deeply in love with her in every way and I feel it back..

    Hoping once my family drama passes and this great burden of stress is taken off of me that will also help me in the bedroom.

    Asides from that I am doing pretty well and feeling so strong and proud of myself for commiting to my recovery and doing so great. I know I am not getting the exact results I expected at this stage but its pretty damn close.

    I am nervous because she hasnt told her best friend my problem and shes been honest with telling her we havent had sex yet and theres been some reasons why that have been easy to sell to her. But I dont want to put her in a position to lie to her bf I guess and go much longer now because it will nbe weird to date this long, be in love and not have had sex yet .. but anyways I am very excited for when it happens. I have never been in love, dated someone this long and had so much anticpation for the moment before ever.


    Hope everyone else is doing well.

    Again my biggest things that have had me be this strong in quitting porn are:

    - my dog
    - kickboxing
    - motivati0n of a real life partner who I care about (ocytocin or whatever the love hormone is too I believe is a part of it)
    - talk therapy with a counsellor I trust
    - sharing my problem and normalzing the discussion with those I trust, eliminating shame
    - accepting I can never watch again even if I recover / rewire fully
     
  10. R3balance

    R3balance Member

    Had a really tough week with a family member out of rehab whos relapsed instantly and wants to kill themself.

    Has been very stressful as I have done all I can to try and help and at the end of the day there is nothing I can do because they dont want the help or to get better.

    I think it has made sex even harder with the stress.

    But in the sexual interactions I have had this week I have had arousal, bloodflow and some erections.

    I have added coconut water to my diet this week 2L usually in the pastt coconut water has helped with erection quality. Again maybe psycological.

    Well this mornign I woke up with a very good erection. Was quite proud of it.

    fast forward througha. stressfull day of crying and saying good bye to a love one who doesnt want to be involved with the family or recover to being alone with my girl at night and I got a really nice erection with her and lost it the second it went to being invled with her and talking about tryong sex for the first time.

    Anyways we got so intense in everything that she forced a semi hard version of myself into her and I got soft. Not even counting it as sex..

    Very frusterated.

    Even when I do get the intial arousal its ahrd to keep, and it doesnt feel great. Senstiivty isnt there.

    Seeing small improvements but I want more. Of cours eI am being greedy as it sonly been 2 and a bit months no Porn and was a month no O.

    So clearly more healing to go.

    I straight up asked my new girl if she thinks shed lose patience with me for the sexual side and she honeslty said no and belives everything will work out and she will be patient and loves me. So that reassurance was really nice to hear today as I had a stressful week. Which could have added to the secxual troubkes.

    Anyways hope the next 7 days goes better! PRogress is progress though and arousal to dirty talk has really worked so far.
     
    UK Don likes this.
  11. R3balance

    R3balance Member

    Been 10 days since I checked in.

    Some highs some lows.

    Family stress has been high, personal anxiety and feelings all over the place. Have had to say gbye to a family member. Partner has had to be very supportive again.

    Feeling less attractive, less confident with the amount of support I have needed and how sensitive I have been.

    (Sexual descriptions below if trigger sensitive skip this post)

    Sexually we have tried a couple more times and I just suck. Anytime I think of penetration I get stressed and start to lose it, or lose it while being inserted or quickly after. And my anxiety spikes.. does she like my size, I am not hard enough, I am losing it, I suck etc a fucking freight train of negativity goes thru my mind.

    Two days ago Post thanksgiving I had a bed day with her. Was her period so no stress of sex for me and it was the horniest day I have ever had with her. Great erections all day and came 3x with manual stim from myself and her and BJs. Still have to focus as I lost erections a couple times that day too but overall was good and when hard they were good ones.

    Today thoughtt it was still her period so she turned me on and when we changed rooms I lost my boner and it wouldnt come back even with me on top kissing her. So I laid back calmed down touched myself and kissed her and got it back. She wanted to have sex but needed to go to the bathroom first at this point to make sure she was done her period and she was super horny. She asked if she could come back and I thought id lose my boner again and didnt realize thats why. So she ended upvgiving me a BJ and after saying lets have sex..

    At this point I was feeling sexually exhausted. From that being tired, and from coming 3x the day before yesterday. And she was kinda like common common the rest of the night. Had a gatorade some water, chilled etc. Then I was just hoping during sleep or in morning Id be good to go for her......


    5AM we kinda wake up and I have a good erection while cuddled, we take the lube out to not waste time and I lose my erection immedietly. Like i felt it soften slightly in hand before going in, then little more when going in, then when in I wasnt as hard and each thrust/movement I made softer and softer. I pulled out kinda quick and I blamed the lube not liking the way it felt.. which is slightly true. But reality the fucking freight train of negativity went thru my mind the second I started to lose the erection and with it the sensitivty I need to stay hard. Negative thoughts: does she like my size, I am not hard enough, I am losing it, I suck etc

    Shes now sleeping on the couch after an hour of not being able to fall back asleep and shes obviously upset with me. I am upset with me. I was going to go out to the couch too I just wanna escape this fucking feeling of inadequacy. It makes me feel so shitty. And then I think about how it makes her feel and how is this fair.

    Im almost 3 Months completely porn free, only Oing with rewiring and loving partner and I am pleased with some of the progress made but really discouraged and down about the lack of progress overall and not being able to have a single normal penetrative sex session by now.

    I feel terrible. I know I am further a long than lots and maybe I am just pitching a pity tent for myself but dissappointing a girl I love and care about and not being able to fulfill her and have sex with her is killing me.

    Need to stay strong now more than ever. I have so many simp / beta thoughts going throuogh my head.

    I think I just need to be apologetic, loving and give her space when she needs it and listen to her feelings when shes ready to share them with me. And keep doing what I am doing.

    Shes on couch I cant sleep now so thought Id do this read some journals and work instead of just lie here likea pussy feeling sorry for myself.
     
  12. R3balance

    R3balance Member

    Ended up talking to her in AM

    she’s sexually frustrated and was really upset that I work her up to have sex and didn’t even do it getting soft upon penetration was shitty.

    she had a really bad sleep and then when she finally could fall back asleep she had a nightmare

    told me this and that if I’m gonna wake her up then at least fuck her hard back to sleep. And she’s getting frustrated that this is harder than she thought and she feels like she needs to be fucked hard.

    all fair I feel and I’m happy she’s honest with me.

    not gonna lie I cried. Basically biggest fear of trying relationships when a fucking porn addict with PiED.

    I’ve told her I’ll try low dosing cialis or getting a pump and ring combo to help me along and for us to have penetrative sex properly. Also said I’ll do or try anything toy related she’s into.

    I don’t know I think today was just a bad day hormonal and with the sleep and way I woke her up she’s usually a lot more calm and supportive about this.

    but same time she’s human has feelings hormones and everything is about me.

    hoping I don’t fuck this up and feeling really stressed out.

    but this is when it’s hard to overcome feelings of hopelessness. Like will I ever be able to fuck her hard? Will I get errctions thst I don’t have to worry about moving a losing or staying super focused to maintain without an overwhelming amount of porn stimulation ..

    have I damaged my brain/ receptors too much that a normal healthy sex life isn’t possible?

    these are the negative thoughts ..

    positive thoughts are

    I am Porn free for almost 90days
    I have accepted never looking again
    I only O with a loving partner
    I am in love
    I am not in a dead dick flatline
     
  13. dualwield

    dualwield Active Member

    You have a very impressive no PMO-streak, well done! Just keep going and I am sure things will get better.

    Wanted to give my take on the no sex w. girlfriend-situation. I had the same experience a few years back, had a dead dick so little action in bed. Initially I used Kamagra in order to have sex with her (the pills not always made the trick but at least I could have sex like once per week). Eventually she found out I had used pills in order to have sex with her and she wanted me to stop using. We had been together for a while and I trusted her so I told her about my PMO addiction. She was very supportive and said "this explains a lot" (my ED, low libido etc). Our relationship grew even stronger after that.

    I could not have sex for 2+months since I was not using Kamagra and was in a long flatline. I made her O (oral sex, using hands) and became "talented" in that area. She never complained to me and things started to get better after a while. Eventually we could have karezza, sex without orgasm from me. O always put me back to flatline so this was the way to go. After a while I started getting a boner from just kissing, that was amazing, I had almost never had that. Improved quite a bit but I never fully healed since I relapsed after some time and I eventually broke up with her because of other reasons.

    So my tips are:
    *Stay away from O, have karezza-sex if it works but no pressure at all. Make things about her. You will become a master at pleasing women without just using the D (girls truly love a man who can please a woman, I have many compliments from different girls because I had that period in my life where I practiced on my ex gf).
    *Just enjoy giving/receiving massages or cuddling, intimacy without focus on penetration.
    *Be open with her if you feel that you trust her.

    As you say if she wants to be f*ed hard you can always use toys or the right hand-technique. If your girl truly supports you, you have a golden opportunity to rewire to a real woman. If she does not support you in this journey, she was not worth having anyway.

    Hope the best for you!
     
    Last edited: Oct 16, 2020
    R3balance likes this.
  14. Krebs

    Krebs Member

    Don't lose your confidence, man, you're doing great job but eventually every human being can fail sooner or later. Don't focus so much on your problems in bed, or you may develop performer anxiety. Just take fun from it and avoid negative thoughts. You mustn't be a sex machine; it is a porn induced pattern and comparing yourselves to some ideal yet unrealistic possible self isn't bring you any further. What really can help, that is doing Kegel's exercise for men or tao sexual practise. These techniks have proven effectiveness and actually are beneficious for men's health.
    Your below part is still your body and need proper maintenance and rehabilitation after using but that's rare to happen due to lack of acquintenance with such a need. Even ideal machine can malfunction in case of neglecting standartized operating procedures and porn had just made it worse. Don't lose your courage and find a solution of yiur problem.
     
    R3balance likes this.
  15. R3balance

    R3balance Member

    thank you mate I’m still going strong here think I actually officially hit 90 days this morning so I’m at 91 now. Really proud of myself for not just this but my attitude and control towards P

    what’s kamagra?

    thanks for weighing in. I’ve been 100% honest with her and told her I’m at the point where I’ll try anything. I haven’t fully been in flatline since that one earlier and I’m not sure if Os do that to me. I do know my sex drive is hurting from my porn abstinence / dopamine receptors healing rn and from the large amount of stress / anxiety in my life currently. Boner from kissing will be my sign of me being better. Once I get that and can maintain erection with sensitivity for penetration I know I’ll be good. My girl has a really high sex drive and this sexless drought even tho the other stuff is fun this is missing from our relationship as we haven’t truly connected and had that level of intimacy now. We are both sexually frustrates with each other and it’s added some stress though unfortunately.


    Thank you I really appreciate everything you’ve shared with me. It’s nice the support As My confidence is low and my stress/
    Anxiety is high.
     
  16. R3balance

    R3balance Member


    Thanks man. I will be honest my confidence is low. Not being able to have sex with a beautiful girl that I have gotten to know for 9 months with, in love with, been open with, supported by etc has really hurt my confidence. Especially knowing she is a sexually experienced girl that has never once come across anyone with issues like me or an addiction to the point it’s been this harmful before was rough for me to stomache.

    I think my biggest problem right now is stress —> performance anxiety.

    mom trying to focus on sensation and not performance but the second I think about penetration or expect it I get really anxious and my huber drops.

    I do have very high levels of stress right now in general due to covid and some family issues tho and I know this stress is - affecting my PIED and ability to maintain an erection.

    have kegals worked for you? I’ve honestly never understood how to do it and what’s the tao thing?

    thanks for the support mate I appreciate you weighing in and being a part of my journey.
     
  17. R3balance

    R3balance Member

    So I’m still going strong no porn.

    mom only Oing with GF and I’ve just officially hit 90/91 days no p.

    today I had my closest call where I was looking at YouTube videos for DIY fence building and one video came up was a girl in jean shorts doing carpentry but was kinda showing off her body just got a quick glimpse then I closed the tab quick was done with that. Then a follow up close call on ig blocked the accounts on ig tbay could have triggered me closed ig SAID NO and then did soemthing completely different to distract myself NO URGES NOW. They come and they go, they do not build in intensity unless you believe that they do. I’m feeling in control though.

    so I had an anxiety attack freak out two days after the rough night morning I posted about.

    before bed I lost my erection while getting a bj. And lately I’ve been pretty good for them as long as I was masturbating then that and going back and forth kinda thing. But the second she said put it in me I got soft in her mouth. Was bizarre and I just sunk into bed cuddled her we didn’t say anything and we went to sleep. I felt sick.

    Ended up waking up super fucking cranky. I was rude demanding and sulky. Was all coming from a place of insecurity because of. The sexual frustration and stress. I ended up acting like a psycho cause I didn’t get exactly the response I wanted from her. I soazzed iut said some stupid things and I really upset her to the point she said she was done and cancelled a road trip we had planned to leave the day after.

    I did a big apology booked an extra counselling session to unpack it understand it genuinely apologize and know what I was apologiIng for and why it happened.

    Realizes it was my insecurity, sexual frustration anxious attachment style and fear of abandonment that were the reasons for my freak out and almost self sabotage like trying to ruin the relationship because watching porn and not failing at sex anymore would be an easier solution.

    My apology was heard but not fully accepted and she’s on the fence about our relationship rn as there’s been a lot to deal With early and I don’t blame her. The sex problem isn’t the only thing but if it wasn’t a problem everything would be fine and normal issues to work through or obstacles to overcome. And I know that for sure. We eneded up talking sleeping over one nights but seeing eachother the two days after this and talking the whole
    Time. Things are sensitive between us and I know the sex has to be better. And if I’m not getting proper errctions I have to change my energy and attitude to not be upset about it. How can I expect her to not be upset if I’m getting upset and shutting down now?

    I’m going to admit I picked up a few generic cialis pills from a friend that uses them. He has to use them because of steroid abuse or he’s addicted because they are awesome for being able to really smash a girl. But not 100% sure anyways i am going to use these pills and hopefully I respond to them.

    Right now she’s on a. Small trip and we are talking over the phone daily but it’s not the same, not as affectionate. She’s not feeling madly in love and happy with me at the moment. She’s also holding something in as I have had a lot of heavy stressful event happening around me and she knows the stress of that has made sex stuff harder for me and I. General I’m in a sensitive place rn.

    when she gets back I’m gonna make a date night and take one of these pills and hopefully finally have a proper sexual experience with her tbat reliefs our frustration, relieves her doubts, fulfills our needs and we get that level of intimacy we need and desire from each other.

    I knao it’s not the long term answer but it’s needed for us both.

    My performance anxiety and stress levels are just too high I need help to overcome it and hope this will give me confidence after.
     
    Last edited: Oct 23, 2020 at 4:04 AM
  18. dualwield

    dualwield Active Member

    Kamagra is the same as Viagra but under a different name, cheaper and by another manufacturer since Pfizer's patent for Viagra is no longer valid.

    It is a controversial topic and of course a young healthy male should not have to use ED pills but I am so happy that it helped me have sex and granted me so many fun experiences. It can be a way to get over anxiety and will in most cases increase erection quality a lot if it's not good enough for sex.
    For me it did not always work but in 90 % of cases it did when stimulation was there. The brain have to send signals about arousal so blood flow can increase and for a severe PMO addict those signals might not be there in the first place before a longer reboot.

    Just don't grow dependent on ED pills. I am trying now to get a longer reboot and heal for real from PMO. ED pills only mask the underlying problem but could work in the meantime.
     
    Last edited: Oct 23, 2020 at 3:19 PM
  19. R3balance

    R3balance Member

    Ah never heard of them !

    Viagra scares me a little.

    I have decided I am at the point where I can’t even masturbate that well or reliably and my erections haven’t been consistent at all due to my reboot and my stress. I think stress in my life is more of the issue though but a combination for sure.

    I need to have some healthy sex connections with my girl or it’s going to kill our relationship I know it. So I am sampling my friends no name brand cialis pills that work really well for him and some other friends.

    Im hoping I respond to them. I’m at the point where with concentration and dirty talk or certain connection with my girl I can get initially aroused it’s just that I can’t maintain it for penetration or once I start moving around, or my mind starts racing about performance or my size / erection quality. So hope the pills Will help me and relax my mind then give me confidence.

    I have three pills to try and if it goes
    Well I’m going to buy a bottle of 50 and use as needed.

    my girl and me have talked about pills and toys openly. She doesn’t want me to use anything we talked about pumps and rings and she thinks they could be damaging long term so they are off the table. We might get a ring but then we have to set a timer for it to be safe. But she doesn’t want me getting a pump any longer.

    pills she doesn’t want me trying viagra because she thinks it’s dangerous for my heart and could end up in the hospital since we don’t think there’s anything physically wrong with me. It’s all my head and dopamine receptors form porn overload for years.

    sex is important to her and it’s affecting us pretty bad now. Me included.

    Im hoping these cialis pills help bridge me on my rewiring journey here and I’m going to be careful to not get addicted/crutched/rely on them.


    I feel as long as I stay porn free and don’t excessively masturbate and rewiring with a real life person, I can only continue to heal

    your experience has only reinforced my decision

    thanks again mate
     
    dualwield likes this.
  20. CidGuerreiro

    CidGuerreiro Well-Known Member

    I've had pretty much the exact same experience with Viagra. It has helped me some times but failed at times too, when I was way too deep into pornography to even get aroused by regular intercourse. If your brain is too wired on porn it's like it's disconnected from your dick, you just can't get as aroused as you's get from looking at porn. And Viagra without sexual arousal is about as effective as a glass of water.

    I always keep a few pills in my drawer but I know I have to keep clean for it to work. I also agree that there is a danger on becoming too dependant on these pills. Ultimately it all comes back to staing clean and rewiring your brain into normal sexuality.
     
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