Committing to a Porn Free Life. I CAN do this! Persistence is Everything.

Discussion in 'Ages 20-24' started by R3balance, Oct 26, 2012.

  1. R3balance

    R3balance Member

    Re: Too many failed Attempts.. Striving to Put this Shit in My Rearview!

    Ive surprisingly grasped this exam material very quickly.. At least I think aha!

    Sexual energy has been high since I woke up today, very horny.

    Urges have been off an on while studying, my exams in an hour or so and felt a strong urge to PMO. Came onto the boards read a few of others journals commented. And that killed my urges entirely..

    Going to get go get ready and go to school now.

    Reading others journals when experiencing urges surprisingly helps.
     
  2. mikey22

    mikey22 New Member

    Re: Too many failed Attempts.. Striving to Put this Shit in My Rearview!

    come on man.. show me how it's done!!! i'm gonna be 5 days behind you the whole way
     
  3. R3balance

    R3balance Member

    Re: Too many failed Attempts.. Striving to Put this Shit in My Rearview!

    Aha support, love it!

    Thanks my man!

    :)
     
  4. R3balance

    R3balance Member

    Re: Too many failed Attempts.. Striving to Put this Shit in My Rearview!

    Crap Relapsed in middle of night and once again chaser when woke up.

    I need to want this more.

    Im not truly wanting my goals bad enough. I need to truly say goodbye to porn for life, not for 10-30 days, life. I am sure the reduced volume of PMO in my life is a very slow improvement. But hour long edge sessions are terrible.

    I cant, we cant waste our sexual primes to watching losers on our screens. :'(

    I need to find a deeper motivation inside me, to truly do this. I know I wont give up though. Ever.
     
  5. mikey22

    mikey22 New Member

    Re: Too many failed Attempts.. Striving to Put this Shit in My Rearview!

    i feel this so much. just had niggling voices in my head telling me to peek but that comment made me ask 'what the hell are you doing?!' unlucky on your relapses dude :(
     
  6. Re: Too many failed Attempts.. Striving to Put this Shit in My Rearview!

    Yes! You will find it. The 'sling-shot' effect, use this time of regret for your lapse to recommit, not to the same old cycle though- but to a newer you.

    The deeper motivation isn't the old you without PMO, but a new you that you're going to create that is prepared to fulfill all his dreams.

    You can do this.
     
  7. mikey22

    mikey22 New Member

    Re: Too many failed Attempts.. Striving to Put this Shit in My Rearview!

    hows it going dude???
     
  8. R3balance

    R3balance Member

    Re: Too many failed Attempts.. Striving to Put this Shit in My Rearview!

    Thanks mate.

    The deeper motivation is tough for me apparently. Because I have been on this unhealthy cycle where when my diet fails I Relapse.

    I cant be like dominos with things i am trying to change positively in my life.

    I am now changing things because I cant accept the same old struggle will suddenly work.

    I am putting all my energy and time into school, my diet and training.

    New school semester just started I am going to be very busy which is good. And I am approaching my diet very differently now and will actually count calories something I havent done since I was in the best shape of my life so I am looking forward to add that to my life.


    My last relapse was a little binge, and it pushed me over the edge to catching a flu I believe. I have been very ill the past 9/10 days but am better now thankfully.

    I need to accept P cannot be in my life and embrace that. I need to.
     
  9. R3balance

    R3balance Member

    Re: Too many failed Attempts.. Striving to Put this Shit in My Rearview!

    It was a rough couple weeks and I was super sick, but I have helped myself and pulled my self together the best couple days.

    Looks like you are doing well keep it up!!!
     
  10. R3balance

    R3balance Member

    Re: Too many failed Attempts.. Striving to Put this Shit in My Rearview!

    Just woke up randomly one hour into sleep... autopilot brain browsing internet in bed, natural erection, escalation in image browsing now, satisfy curiosity, harmless became harmful like it always does. Next thing I know 4 Hour edge session. 1 hour chaser edge. 5 HRs gone only 1.5 hours sleep before a really long day today. WTF sore, tired, and a depleted mess again.

    Almost 2 weeks PMO free, and that.

    I knew what I was doing, I had a voice in my head that said stop but it was so quiet. My body took over and didnt want to listen to reason. I am sick of not feeling in control of my body thats the biggest thing I dont like.

    Another problem is ive been doing this for years now and am starting to feel hopelessly insane doing the same thing over and over.

    I need to take control of myself and be a man I am almost 25 I cannot continue down this road. I want help but I need to help myself here. I need to truly want it, I need to work hard.

    A really big problem is I notice I crave porn more than real sex. I crave the edging, the novelty the selection, the rush. It feels safe, I dont feel judged for my PIED. And thats messed up. I am so attached to porn that I keep running back to it.

    I picture edging to porn like a dark painful isolated room, and every time I abstain from PMO is me distancing myself from this room, and when I actually leave the room and can feel the benefits I feel amazing. Thenas I continue abstaining and walking far away from that dark miserable room, the further distance I put between me an the room I come running back and locking myself in.

    Its terrible. Its terrible that all of us on this forum are stuck in these unhealthy patterns of self abuse. It really makes me sick.

    I also cant use things as excuses for porn, I can use this forum as an excuse like oh yea at least ppl here will understand me and not judge me. Ill relapse again whatever we all do it, its hard. Wah its hard, I am sick of being to unmotivated or mentally strong enough to do what I need to do.

    Im going to seriously have to do some inner soul searching the next few days and figure out what I want, and how will I accomplish the tasks to acquire what I want.

    Life is good, and I need to enjoy it, not waste it.
     
  11. R3balance

    R3balance Member

    Re: Too many failed Attempts.. Striving to Put this Shit in My Rearview!

    I think spinning my tires is the most frustrating life experience I have had now. The past few years I have excelled in some areas of my life and spun my tires and not progressed at all in others.

    I am in need of wanting my desires more. I need to have the passion and persistence to do the things I know will make me happy.

    I know for a fact I want these things in my life:

    GATHER KNOWLEDGE
    Do well in School
    Gather knowledge (always learn)
    Become an Expert in a specific field
    Read actual books more both for knowledge and as a healthy escape
    Create/Find a rewarding Career that I enjoy after school

    TAKE CARE OF MY BODY
    Be fit, athletic and healthy
    With a fitness routine
    Sleep 8 hours a day
    Healthy relationship with food
    To be neat and tidy and not a slob, create a system that creates a clean environment and upkeep it
    Live a life without PMO abuse
    Meditation - I need to learn a basic method to begin with even if its 10 minutes a day, I am going to find a method this weekend.

    CONNECTION
    Healthy relationships with family, friends and others
    Network
    Healthy Sexually


    Live in the present, not regret for the past or anxiety for the future


    Hobby I enjoy or ones that I would like to try:
    Football
    Hockey
    Muay Thai - I have always wanted to try
    Art/Painting - I have always wanted to take classes
    Adobe Suite - I want to do self teach tutorials to advance myself from a beginner level user


    I have had STRONG urges every day since I went m last longest none pmo stretch of just over 30 days. I need to get my head on straights. Align my goals with my motivation and focus on ME. I have committed a year of my life to clean myself up emotionally, mentally and physically.

    I am 5 months into that year and progress made is very little, it is now the time to commit.

    I have the program stop procrastination now on my computer to protect myself from strong urges on my laptop and I have a plan for my mobile as well.

    P is not an option and I will abstain from MO as much as possible for the next 3 months.

    I have been sick now, having bad sleeps, bad workouts, bad diet bad everything, thought process stress, anxiety, brain fog lack of focus all the regular side affects of excessive os and PMO edge sessions. They deplete my life energy, and have negative effects on all aspects of my life. Even right now typing this I want to say good bye to porn and I had to look at the reasons why again I am not going to. Geez.

    I am going to change the title of my thread as one poster here once suggested it sets me up for failure almost just the name of it.

    To success, to a life where I have the energy and frame of mind to allow myself to become the best me possible. And to all of you to doing, done or to do the same.

    I am now fully committed to change as of right now.
     
  12. R3balance

    R3balance Member

    Cravings are large, I ate a pizza today. And I haven been going to the gym. And im sad with lack of asethetic progress.

    = LARGE P Cravings.

    Dont know why their connected blood sugar levels and P Cravings but for me they are like a married couple.

    I am working on breaking the link between both and working to control the food cravings and eliminate the P .

    Not sure if anyone else has that connection with food and P.
     
  13. mikey22

    mikey22 New Member

    I find if i don't look after myself then i'm much more susceptible to relapse. If i eat a tonne of junk food, my cravings for the comfort of porn go through the roof. i think for me that has a lot to do with instant gratification, e.g i want to feel good now, i don't care how it will impact on my future. so i'm trying to keep healthy.


    just my insights. keep fighting r3balance !
     
  14. R3balance

    R3balance Member

    Thanks m8!

    Yea for sure it must be the blood sugar/insulin spikes from junk food gives a dopamine release/rush similar to edging plus that instant gratification your talking about for sure. Like feel good now deal with the aftermath later negative mentality.


    Im feeling really good about myself and life right now. I know the past few months I have had many more relapses then I expected, but I have been managing myself much better and being much more positive, it feels good.

    I am sleeping better, no more vampire nights sleep through the day, weather isnt as cold so I am getting some sun and waking up earlier.

    I have made my diet more balanced and enjoyable, and its quite healthy. I have recovered my fitness levels from before I got the death flu. Grades at school are awesome.

    I am past the first bit after a relapse where I am an irritable grumpy guy. I cant tell I give off negative body language, much easier to annoy/less patient, anxious etc. All those lovely things.

    I have only had a few urges but I am handling them well, keeping very busy. I am going to start reducing the amount of tv I watch gradually.

    And on rest days from the gym I am going to start going for morning walks listening to audiobooks of interest.

    @dylan22 keep fighting, persistence is the key to success!

    F*ck PMO!
     
  15. R3balance

    R3balance Member

    I have a great grasp on my diet and fitness right now, and I was doing great with no pmo I last almost 23 days.

    My mindset is plainly wrong I havent found much success over the past 5 years so I clearly am doing this wrong. If anything abstaining just leads to greater binges and edging.

    This is my biggest problem I am a serial edger. Long edging sessions.

    I am not wanting to quit bad enough and I need to change my mindset to be able to not even think about p let alone want to use it.

    I will start trying some different things, and I will share if they work.

    Dont cave to your cravings guys its not worth it, my energy is gone, my wrists are sore, I feel depleted I can barley make a fist, everything else suffers now for the next few days. Sex life will continue to be virtual and not real. I will be more sort tempered with people which I am going to make a very conscience effort of being mindful of my mood and body language to others.

    I am taking my diet seriously, my fitness seriously and my schooling seriously. Time now to take my life and wellness seriously and say goodbye to porn forever.
     
  16. R3balance

    R3balance Member

    Pretty disappointed with myself, as the past 10 months I have thought I have truly committed to living porn free.

    When my actions have shown I dont want to let go of porn.

    I have a deep connection with it. And the longest I have gone without porn now is 20 days this entire 10 month span.

    For an addict whos recognized and understood my addiction for the past 6 years now thats very poor.



    Terry Crews speaks truth, he went into rehab perhaps I need something similar.

    I believe I need to truly let go of porn for good. My sugar connection cravings are very similar to my porn ones and I feel when I relapse I binge both sugar/bad food with PMOing.

    I am going to look at alternative rewards for reaching goals, as well as looking at self discipline as training and not punishment.

    I am also going to begin watching and rewatching Crews youtube regularly as things he says really registers with me.

    Gonna recognize this too:

    Hungry - Stop and Eat
    Angry - Stop and Take Deep breaths and do something to change my mood
    Lonely - Call a friend or visit a friend, or call family
    Tired - rest or sleep first chance I get and make sure my phone and computer are no where near me

    Anyone not watching T Crews on Youtube I recommend it highly, his words arent magic and they wont cure you but as a tool for motivation and support I believe it is useful
     
  17. EpicGanja

    EpicGanja Member

    Well I read your story on page 1, and I noticed that you relapsed alot. You got my support, maybe you should try to find a hobby, play a instrument for example(I play electric guitar), you could try meditation. I bet you will find a way;)
     
  18. R3balance

    R3balance Member

    Yea I have been battling this for an extremely long time and losing.

    I can have sex here and there but its not very good unless I go x amount of days without pmo or mo. But still I am addicted.

    I have hobbys and hobbys I would like to start. I have a great family, great friends and need to do this. I am considering rehab - but I will never give up.

    I will find a way!

    Meditation is something I have never tried and could be something I look into. Thank you for your kind words.
     
  19. EpicGanja

    EpicGanja Member

    Meditation is a really good one, I would start there, I'm back on this forum aswell so I will check on my old journal if it's still there
     
  20. R3balance

    R3balance Member

    Ya I have been saying thinking and trying the same things for years.

    I have tried moving my entire life to a new country etc for a fresh beginning with new controls in place to keep myself from using P but I keep falling back into it.

    No matter how far away I get I have continued to fall back down.

    I have cured my PIED many times to only abuse P or PMO to the point i have it again.

    Really struggling with letting it go. Even now just relapsed and a chaser so two PMOs with edging.

    Starting to think I need to see a counsellor or a rehab program to really get through this. I am not comfortable tlaking about it openly with any of my friends more than I have in the past in just general statements of: I dont like porn, porns bad you shouldnt watch it, I dont watch it much anymore cause it makes me less horny etc.

    I cant or havent really been able to ask any of my friends or family for support like that. One I think it is really embarrassing and two its just too difficult to explain.

    Its almost 2017 and that really scares me.

    My first PIEd experience was in 08/09 and I became fully aware of the danger of PMO with YBOP sometime in 2010/11. Ever since then I have been thinking I have been trying to give it up, counting/tracking/cold watering n showering/journaling/foruming/reading information/K9/Deleting Social MEdia ETC.

    Its like something clicks and porn comes into my mind and thats it im doing it autopilot.

    I have had periods of short term success that feel great - but saying goodbye for good, staying consistent and having a healthy sex life just feels like a myth or a fantasy.

    It is a struggle.

    To those in the same boat as me, never give up, I wont.

    To those just starting - take this very seriously and get in front of it asap.

    To those recovered and consistent - please feel free to share with me what really helped you most.

    To those who think this is isnt real and we are all crazy - no words for you.
     

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