Committing to a Porn Free Life. I CAN do this! Persistence is Everything.

Discussion in 'Ages 20-24' started by R3balance, Oct 26, 2012.

  1. R3balance

    R3balance Member

    Re: Too many failed Attempts.. Striving to Put this Shit in My Rearview!

    3 Days down.

    I kept really busy all weekend, I wasn't even home. No alone time with a computer at all.

    Urges tonight have been medium, had a little voice in my head saying just peak at a little P, do some searches see if theres anything new and exciting...

    Passed that one, then I had an urge to just M without anything. I went to my room took a few deep breathes and told myself no.

    Only 3 Days in and already tough.

    I am now going to the gym every morning it is very nice.

    Tiring and hard, but great.

    tomorrow will be day 4

    Feeling positive even with life's stresses
     
  2. BruceWayne

    BruceWayne Building the life I want, day by day...

    Re: Too many failed Attempts.. Striving to Put this Shit in My Rearview!

    All the power to ya man. Hate to see someone fall back into it.
     
  3. R3balance

    R3balance Member

    Re: Too many failed Attempts.. Striving to Put this Shit in My Rearview!

    I have continued to struggle the struggle we all have. With spans of short term success.

    Like I said two posts ago no longer have a partner which means zero rewiring for me.

    I have realized my total consistency of achieving the things I believe I want most are linked.

    Like overeating or over indulging in junk food, this usually happens during the same time as a PMO binge/relapse.

    To handle urges of any kind that are not what I wish to do I will be doing this:

    The feeling of years of failure are starting to weigh down on me but I wont give up. I want a healthy life. I dont want to miss out on missing my sexual youth completely.

    I can avoid my computer and avoid the internet but at the end of the day they are tools needed to do many things productively in life and I need to learn to have control over my actions and not give into short term urges that will ultimately take away from my happiness and life.

    Porn cannot exist any longer in my life. No one last time. One final send off binge with all my favourite scenes. There is always a new scene. There is always another old favourite scene. The novelty is endless and its poison.

    I will be fully recovered before I turn 25 and that is a promise to myself. Life is too short to not learn and grow as a person and waste it on porn.

    It is not an escape, it is a trap, time to change for good and live without porn.
     
  4. R3balance

    R3balance Member

    Re: Too many failed Attempts.. Striving to Put this Shit in My Rearview!

    Thanks man, its not a great feeling thats for sure.

    I believe I have hit rock bottom too many times that I am going to do this now for good. Today is day 1 of life without porn. I have adopted the P is not an Option.
     
  5. R3balance

    R3balance Member

    Re: Too many failed Attempts.. Striving to Put this Shit in My Rearview!

    The true reason I have returned to the forum is I am isolated out of the country living abroad for the year.

    I have much less connection then before and this video here:

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ao8L-0nSYzg

    Has made me realize that connection is most important for me during this process.

    I need to talk openly and freely about my problem with others who understand.

    One problem the forum has caused me in the past is that it made me think of p and my addiction more but I think that was in my head and an excuse I made to use the forum less. (so my addiction devil voice most likley fuelled that internal battle)

    I recommend giving the video a watch its a 5 min cartoon video that gives a very new outlook on addiction that makes complete sense to me.
     
  6. R3balance

    R3balance Member

    Re: Too many failed Attempts.. Striving to Put this Shit in My Rearview!

    Urges and Anxiety are often linked for me.

    So during exam periods I am always much more likley to relapse.

    I just wrote an exam, went well.

    Didnt go out with friends after because I didnt feel like drinking or spending money.

    But I did hang out with a buddy after.

    Another day gone, drive is low right now so no intense urges.

    Gdnight YBR community wish you all a P free day
     
  7. R3balance

    R3balance Member

    Re: Too many failed Attempts.. Striving to Put this Shit in My Rearview!

    Strange question, but did someone reset my PMO counter for me? It is pretty accurate and I know I did not update it?

    Or am I crazy :eek:

    I had a good day today, feeling good, very minor urges/thoughts of P. As an addict I miss it. And the truth is during this process over the years I have seen that I have truly wished P could remain in my life as I have been very attached to it and begin to miss certain scenes or even the edging experience thrill.

    But the life I need to live to truly be happy cannot exist with that. It is not an option as long as I want to have REAL connections with REAL people and I have learnt this the very hard way.

    Even experiencing letting down your partner with a limp noodle wasnt enough motivation for me, but now the drought and fear of not being able to have a healthy relationship and start a family that motivates me.

    Having sexual adventures and fun in my 20s, the fear of missing that completely motivates me.

    Noticing my emotional responses are greatly different when using porn (I am much more sensitive, less patient and short tempered) which I have decided this must be caused from extreme hormonal changes from the excessive you know what.
    That is a big motivator for me.

    I will drop a line before bed tonight, as a commitment to resist urges. I will do this regularly as if I type a commitment to myself with a short deadline I believe I will do it.
     
  8. R3balance

    R3balance Member

    Re: Too many failed Attempts.. Striving to Put this Shit in My Rearview!

    I had a problem with my internet provider and not speaking the native language hear made it hard to get it fixed quick..

    Anyways, I feel as though I am making good progress. Urges daily constantly, I feel I am substituting Porn with binging TV Series, Gym and School. 2 are healthy 1 is not. I will take TV Series > PMO though any day!

    Urges right now to just look one time even... Just saying know. Looking at the bigger picture, the bigger picture I will never realize if I continue to look one more time.

    I did have a wet dream a few days ago, which was strange I really dont get them often and tbh I dont really like them.

    It was a sex dream, the funny part of the dream was it was with my ex and it was literally a dream of PE.. I found this one humorous.

    Trying to be positive and patient as I make mental, habitual, emotional, spiritual and hormonal changes to my body and mind during this reboot.

    Be strong everyone and know we deserve more, so lets take our chance to change and become whoever we want to be.
     
  9. mikey22

    mikey22 New Member

    Re: Too many failed Attempts.. Striving to Put this Shit in My Rearview!

    'Ive got to take this much more seriously as I feel like my life is on hold until I am rebooted, my future family, my career, my love life, my social self, my attitude, my confidence, everything.'

    exactly how i feel. i don't want to place too much emphasis on porn and that being free of it will fix everything, but it will go a long way. i feel like this is a journey i need to do because if i can't beat this, can i really have the dedication to achieve anything in life?
    well done on 14 days :) keep it up!
     
  10. R3balance

    R3balance Member

    Re: Too many failed Attempts.. Striving to Put this Shit in My Rearview!

    Thanks mate appreciate that.

    Its true it isn't what will fix everything but removing it from our lives will have clear benefits and put us in the best position to be the best we can be.

    The amount of energy that goes into PMOing and the hormonal affects on my body is brutal. Its completely draining and depletes me of all energy and positivity.

    I am feeling in control of myself right now and I like it.

    I accept urges and say goodbye to them.

    I am also controlling my diet very well and not missing workouts. I did get a bit of a cold but it worked out well with my rest days and all I did was rest, drink tons of water and eat well and sleep and i dodged the sick express.

    I usually wonder why out of all my friends I am the only one who had the severe PIED knowing they all look at P and continue to PMO, I guess most didnt attach and abuse it as bad as I did growing up and the others must just have high drives.

    Thanks again Dylan for the words and relating to me, stay strong my friend.

    Everyday we have winnable battles, and this is a winnable war. We have the ultimate choice to look or not to look. Everyday I mourn the loss of P, I cant help it I miss it, I have been longing for an O. But I have had enough relapses just arent plain worth it and I wont accept it or give into it.
     
  11. R3balance

    R3balance Member

    Re: Too many failed Attempts.. Striving to Put this Shit in My Rearview!

    Two days ago I MO'd, really bad insomnia, then finally fell asleep woke up after an hour and I was just natural sexual energy through the roof. I didn't imagine anything or look at anything while.

    No chaser effect feel or battle either which is a first.

    Feeling very positive about no PMO.

    I still think about P, but when I do I acknowledge it and discard the thought knowing why I cant.

    Life hasnt been all amazing 20 days in. Anxiety and Insomnia has been high, energy low. I am cutting carbs which could be a massive part of that.

    I was sick to for a a couple days.

    I have some tests coming up and I havent studied at all, will be cram sessions for me so I hope I can focus.

    I am watching too many tv shows the binging must be sort of a replacement for me right now. Still not P though so its a short term win.

    Long term I am planning on transitioning away from tv shows, reading more, increasing gym activity and hopefully landing an internship. Which would force me to regulate my sleep as I am currently living like a guy on graveyard shift. Bizarre. But I am defn. not getting enough sun that is for sure.

    Baby steps.

    Positives:

    20 Days PMO free I feel great about that.
    1 small wet dream
    1 natural MO on day 18

    Starting to read a book before bed at least 10-20 pages minimum
    Making a small goal to read a few books which I have already chosen

    Making great strength gains in the gym, which is great for my confidence and feeling of health


    Life is good. I may be hermitting at home slightly right now but I am recovering. I have a plan, I will stick to it. And I will recover.

    Good luck to all those fighting! Gdnight
     
  12. Chammorrow

    Chammorrow Member

    Re: Too many failed Attempts.. Striving to Put this Shit in My Rearview!

    I'm going through finals too, and I totally relate..seems like stress is definitely related to relapsing..i can't wait for it to be over so that stressor is gone, but we must be able to also overcome that

    Hope that you feel better, the winter is coming, so make sure to cover up.
    good luck
     
  13. R3balance

    R3balance Member

    Re: Too many failed Attempts.. Striving to Put this Shit in My Rearview!

    Thanks Mate!

    The cold is all gone now, aha Winter is coming ill be sure to bundle up!!

    Yea exam/studying/cramming is brutal for P urges, cause I need to be on my computer for extended periods forcing myself to study. And P is the ultimate escape/release urge. I signed in just now because urges and anxiety are very high right now.

    It doesnt help I had the whole week to be studying and I didnt at all... With two tests in two days I need to come out of this without a relapse and while doing well on the tests.

    I hope your exams go well Chammorrow. I see you looked at P too, not sure if that meens you PMO'd too, but if not dont beat urself up and dont justify it now to PMO because oh well ive already looked.

    Its not worth it. And it wont be easier if you do.


    Journaling here and taking some deep breaths has helped the urges subside I may close the laptop to play it safe for the rest of the night though.

    Another day down. Keep up the goodwork YBR Community!
     
  14. mikey22

    mikey22 New Member

    Re: Too many failed Attempts.. Striving to Put this Shit in My Rearview!

    even though you have loads of exam related stress, ruining this amazing run you're on and PMO'ing will not motivate you to study or do well in the exams. it will just trick you into screwing yourself over because it provides an escape for a very, very short period of time. totally not worth it when you look with a sober mind.

    best of luck on your exams man, smash it!
     
  15. mikey22

    mikey22 New Member

    Re: Too many failed Attempts.. Striving to Put this Shit in My Rearview!

    how's it going man?!?!
     
  16. R3balance

    R3balance Member

    Re: Too many failed Attempts.. Striving to Put this Shit in My Rearview!

    Well my friend things were going really well with no PMO.

    Then I had a few nights out with friends, on the last one we ended the night at a strip club which I thought would be fine..

    Turns out it wasn't.

    I have identified my pattern now I am like dominos.

    If I start breaking my diet more than a cheat meal, a sugar or pizza binge, my self control falls apart and usually leads to an MO followed by strong PMO urges.

    Its like a cycle.

    I am not sure if drinking is the spark or not, but I am going to try and stay away from booze just in case.

    1. Stay away from drinking
    2. Avoid strip clubs
    3. Do not look at pics of ex gf
    4. When I break my diet, do not let it turn into a binge enjoy it and get back on track
    5. Do not edge to gf pics
    6. Do not browse instagram images, eventually sexual images start popping up then I go full autopilot

    So I edged alittle to pics of ex then finished with p vid which I turned off instantly even though I wasnt done yet but dmg done.

    I PMOd last night/ this morning Day 33 POO, and I woke up super aroused and MOd without anything.

    Starting fresh again. But feeling positive, I just went to the gym, Exams went well and I didnt PMO during them which is a win in my books.

    I am going to be more aware of my hormone levels and the connection with binge/sugar eating they are no doubt connected when it comes to self control and the domino affect it has on me.

    I can do this.
     
  17. R3balance

    R3balance Member

    Re: Too many failed Attempts.. Striving to Put this Shit in My Rearview!

    Exams went okay, surprisingly my performance was better semester before where I struggled more with PMO. All part of the healing process I suppose I just studied less though!
     
  18. R3balance

    R3balance Member

    Re: Too many failed Attempts.. Striving to Put this Shit in My Rearview!

    PMO Chaser Voice in my head is strong right now.

    Just ate pizza, watching a movie then im going to burry myself in a school project for the rest of the day/night.

    Starting tomorrow Im going to clean up my diet, gym extra to make up for past 5 days of junk food, resist all urges of P

    Why is what I want most the hardest to achieve?

    Rebuild an athletic healthy physique
    Abstain from Porn for a healthy sex life

    Why are behaviours that are destructive to these goals so hard to fight, it should be easy. I need to understand what drives these urges and behaviours more everyday.

    Right now I am thinking my hormones are out of wack from cutting carbs to carb binging and Oing.

    I need to journal more as it helps.
     
  19. R3balance

    R3balance Member

    Re: Too many failed Attempts.. Striving to Put this Shit in My Rearview!

    I am having a hard time sleeping.

    Very disappointed in myself right now.

    I am not working for the first time ever, have lots of time to have fun self-explore, self improve and I am not maximizing my time or my life.

    The past 5 months I have been consciencely (why isn't that a word!?!?) trying to self improve:

    Goals:
    1. Do Great in School - I am doing well but not as great as I can and the full effort isnt there, previous knowledge has compensated for a lack of effort and my grades reflect that. I know I could be doing better.
    2. NO PMO and seek successfully healthy sexual encounters when rebooted - Continue to cyclically relapse.. zero confidence to seek girls as I cant bear the embarrassment of performance failure
    3. Gym Schedule - Now this is a goal I have not fallen short on, the routine I committed too I have only missed 2 workouts and I have made great strength gains, I can do better and I will as well
    4. Healthy Eating - Fallen short on this like the PMO, cyclical binges of junk food. On a 5 day sugar/junk/chocolate/icecream/chips/pizza/donairs etc Made my gym gains not very visible.
    5. Be more social gain life experiences - I have not let myself down completely on this goal but I felt when I reboot this would improve as I could actual be open to connecting closer when socializing, and I am being lazy and sleeping through days where I could be exploring instead of watching tv series or anime series
    6. Be tidy and clean at home - First time living alone.. And I have been disgustingly slobbish


    What do I want most:

    Great grades - it is a most and my scholarship rides on it

    What do I want second most

    No PMO - Healthy Sexual Confidence in myself and the ability to seek connection in a healthy fun way

    Next: Healthy Body

    Diet and Gym

    These are my real pillars my needs and I am not fulfilling them consistently enough to each my goals. It is frustrating.Hopefully writing this down like this will help me hold myself accountable for my actions and have the power to do what I truly want and need.
     
  20. R3balance

    R3balance Member

    Re: Too many failed Attempts.. Striving to Put this Shit in My Rearview!

    I had a very fun party night last night, it was a one of kind type of party so it was a must participate and I had the best time ive had in a long time.

    I paid for it dearly today though..

    It wasnt ideal because I have a big final tomorrow, studied less then I should, broke my diet today and missed a gym day. But YOLO. Christmas parties like that are awesome and it was a great experience for me.

    I have prolly lost a about a month worth of clean diet/ gym progess and gained a few pounds of solid fat this past week. Need to correct this to actually reach the fitness/health goals I ahev set for myself and eating chocolate and pizza every day is defn not on the path to reach that goal ::)

    And of course PMO urges were massive today, massive. Happily resisted them. Very pleased with that. Studying has suffered but I will have a cram sesh tomorrow before the test.

    To all those fighting urges: Chaser URges, One Last Time Urges, Say Farewell Urges, Missing my ol favorite scene urges, Is there a new video urges, all the BS. Kill them, its not worth it.

    REAL Connection REAL Life is the best. ITs all just crap that hurts us. We are bigger and better than all of it.

    Goodnight YBR Community!
     

Share This Page