Committing to a Porn Free Life. I CAN do this! Persistence is Everything.

Discussion in 'Ages 20-24' started by R3balance, Oct 26, 2012.

  1. VeniVidiVici

    VeniVidiVici New Member

    Re: Too many failed Attempts.. Striving to Put this Shit in My Rearview!

    Be strong, it will become easier, I promise!
     
  2. R3balance

    R3balance Member

    Re: Too many failed Attempts.. Striving to Put this Shit in My Rearview!

    yea man they dont care as long as there making money...

    I just got home from work and checked my email quick buddy send me an email, its a sex tape clip to some chick from some mtv show or somw shit i heard some moans and saw some boob flashes and had a dopamine surge,,,,, turned it off right away pretty choked...

    Thats the last thing I need to see or even have glimpses of or any exposure, cant tell him not to send me stuff or ill sound gay, i just told him not to send me stuff that wouldnt be safe for work unless it says,,,,,


    Anways been doing awesome wiht this asides from that damn.
    Im not resetingg anything as i didnt touch myself or seek it, or watch it, just worried as my chest and brain feel funny after that, worried for cravings, prolly three days will be tough but it will pass, its only temporary.


    Thanks VVV, gotta stick with ittt!
     
  3. R3balance

    R3balance Member

    Re: Too many failed Attempts.. Striving to Put this Shit in My Rearview!

    actually really upset, having images and thoughts popping in my head from waht i saw now like curious to see the whole thing,,, when im not at all i dont wanna see that shit, im pissed off, so burnt out from the sun and working shouldnt have left this homework last minute and i cant concentrate with that stupid vid on my mind, gonna try and block it out nap and wake up and work on the assignment,,

    not clickking any links any buddies send me anymore too, ever
     
  4. R3balance

    R3balance Member

    Re: Too many failed Attempts.. Striving to Put this Shit in My Rearview!

    So my laptops been busted for a couple weeks now just got her back now,

    I was sexually doing awesome, got back with my gf stupidly, and we started having sex, a lot, my confidence was going up as well, I wasnt 100% recovered but I was able to please her at least and it was fun for me too, I didnt MO or look at P once, for the pas 27 days, I O'd quite a few times only by her though.

    I am really upset I let stress lead me to a relapse when I was doing so awesome!! I really was, this was my first binge in a very long time too, I am proud this year I have drastucally reduced the amount of P I watch, but I am not pleased with myself, I cant believe how I am not stronger and a moment of weakness is a slippery slope.

    Things were up and down with us of course, spent lots of money agian like an idiot cause it was her bday fancy dinner hotel u name it, flowers, had a great night, than a day later she starts a huge fight because she was upset and i didnt pick up my phone cause i was in the middle of a convo with my aunt and it was pretty intense her eyes were tearing, I called her right after, she freaked out, its insane... it really is i know she has finals this week but its no excuse. We are 100% done now too much yo yoing

    The positives for getting back with her, I gaveit one more one last chance, so i will never look back and regret not trying, I will perhaps regret trying over and over similar to def of insanity.

    The positive is how reactive my penis came to her touch, and she made me feel more confident by saying how much she loved my penis how big it was blah blah, all things that were good, and she was loving having sex with me, I cant believe I just de railed my progress not with a slip but with a binge.

    I woke up ridiculously horny yesterday, few days before she started to give me head but we had to run so i was stuck with blue balls for two days, had a very vivid sex or porn dream of me relapsing thought it was real night before, and I just masturabted no big deal just to touch no fantasy,,,,

    Big chaser was home kinda sad, craving porn hard, went out played basketball came home, craving still there, showered craving still there, than that sex tape image from weeks ago crept in and i slipt I watched it I PMOD 3 times yesterday and once this morning... so I Mod 1 and PMOD 4 times in 24hrs...

    Brutal.

    I need to stop shooting myself in the foot and stop thinking when i start seeing progress im already recovered and can do whatever I want.
    Starting sorta over today, hope this doesnt put me in a flatline now.


    not gonna beat me up, just need to know if I feel those cravings again I need to get otu of my house for longer, or go right back out, If im gonna get a new gf or even girls to fool around with I need to sort this out, or else condoms will be a nightmare! LOL
     
  5. VeniVidiVici

    VeniVidiVici New Member

    Re: Too many failed Attempts.. Striving to Put this Shit in My Rearview!

    Hey man, great news on the responsiveness. This means you're getting into the rewiring phase, more than the reboot phase. Because of that I would also say don't beat yourself up too much about your relapse. What worked for me sometimes to let go of some sexual tension, is try to message your body sensually, maybe with some light Ming, but without O.
     
  6. R3balance

    R3balance Member

    Re: Too many failed Attempts.. Striving to Put this Shit in My Rearview!

    I must be VVV, because in the past 2 days I have had sex four times with better erections, zero anxiety, could have put a condom on, no stress at all, I am really surprised because of that binge, I even had a second time today really soon after the first!

    Pretty pleased with this, I havent done the conventional reboot of total abstinence, I havent even be able to go 30 days without an orgasm, I have had decent amounts of time without P and M, which must have slowly been progressing me? The girl I was with past two days, thinks Im sexually awesome, says Im the best shes ever had and just loves my dick... Im really shocked

    I have started exercising quite a bit past two weeks playing lots of sports, maybe this has helped a little as well! REally stoked that relapse didnt set me back, but I am not going to think its safe to look, I hope to continue to get even better! And stay away from P forever eventually!!!

    In a great mood today! Love seeing progress, makes me so positive, even with a slip, I am going to continue to get better!

    Thanks VVV for being so involved in my progress and motivation, I appreciate it!
     
  7. gameover

    gameover Age: 26

    Re: Too many failed Attempts.. Striving to Put this Shit in My Rearview!

    Glad your at a point were you can have sex. Just stay off the P
     
  8. VeniVidiVici

    VeniVidiVici New Member

    Re: Too many failed Attempts.. Striving to Put this Shit in My Rearview!

    No worries mate, find it interesting to see how people are doing who started around the same time I did. Congrats on the sexual performance!
     
  9. R3balance

    R3balance Member

    Re: Too many failed Attempts.. Striving to Put this Shit in My Rearview!

    I havent been on here in months, I dont know whats happening with me, its like I dont want to be able to have sex.

    I was having great sex for all of the summer,,,, It made me feel great about myself like 3-5 times a week. Erections were never in doubt,although I felt they could still have improved, my gf was loving it..

    I have a very troublesome relationship with her, we fight alot, we break up alot, its very unstable. I dont know how to handle it anymore, and after a terrible week in mexico together where we did have sex a few times, it was a miserable time though, when it should have been great.

    We decided we need to either break up or try couples counselling, we had two more terrible fights, I havent seen here since and its been over a week or 2.

    I have PMOd most likley around 9-15 times in the past 2 weeks,,, I feel like i am breaking my dick and have lost all control of my urges. ..

    Even in the summer I would relapse once in awhile and PMO 2 days in a row but than I would be fine, and be fully capable of sex. Its when I force orgasms with a shitty erection with porn i do the most damage to myself I know it yet I couldnt stop.

    My masturbation/Porn and anxiety is troubling me right now, I want to see a sex counsellor or addiction person to help me stop.

    I know I can be able to have functional sex if I stay away from porn for just 15-30 days now, I know it and I have the hardest time I just dont get it.


    Its troubling for me to because after so much success, success I felt i never thought I would reach I have fallen back into this rut,

    And im also stuck with the decision do I want to continue trying things with this girl who I have been with for so long, she does so many great things, but she also does so much crap that kills me, and the fights are ridiculous, I just dont know what to do with myself.


    I feel like looking out and at myself I would say

    "You fucking little bitch, stop breaking your dick on the screen, move on, be a man, re build yourself, get yourself together become the person you want to be and then you will find someone new, someone better, that you improve eachothers lives more than you take away."

    I just cant take my own advice, I cant seem to move on, I cant seem to quit this addiction.

    These past three weeks since PMOing again, I have notice, my moods are different, my motivation is much lower, my anxiety is through the roof, im chewing my nails again, my dick hates me, I am disgusted by myself right now.

    I know this is mostly negative but its the truth, just getting my feelings out and hoping it helps me sort my shit out
     
  10. CidGuerreiro

    CidGuerreiro Well-Known Member

    Re: Too many failed Attempts.. Striving to Put this Shit in My Rearview!

    Obviously this relationship is ruining you. You're an addict in recovery, you cannot afford to be in such a troublesome relationship. It will only drag you back to your addiction again and again. Then you'll be even more miserable because of the relapse and it will affect your relationship, making it even worse. It's a cycle, really.

    I haven't read through your journal, nor do I know the details of your relationship, but it seems pretty clear to me that you need to put and end to this relationship. None of you will be happy as long as things remain like that.

    Best of luck.
     
  11. gameover

    gameover Age: 26

    Re: Too many failed Attempts.. Striving to Put this Shit in My Rearview!

    When you have no fear left, beating your addiction has to come from within and not an external force such as a fear of ED or threat of losing a loved one.

    You already said you know within a month you can fix any ED issues, You can have great sex etc so its no longer enough to stop you watching porn.
     
  12. R3balance

    R3balance Member

    Re: Too many failed Attempts.. Striving to Put this Shit in My Rearview!

    Its strange I feel as though my control is at its lowest it has ever been, after such a stretch of success,

    I wonder if I ever really was getting over my addiction, or if the rewiring I was doing with her was the big part. I am afraid my constant relapses now are going to put me into a hole further than i expect to climb out, I just did the one last mo mindset Bs pmod last night before bed and again this morning.

    Yea Cid agree its an extremely toxic cycle, I think this time its for good though, when will I learn though right,, shes cost me two jobs now as well...


    Thanks Cid, I hope I can move on, this time.

    Game over, yea i kinda dont give a fuck about having ed and it makes me sad, i feel really numb to most feelings right now, I know it needs to come from within and I am not sure where to find it right now, instant I get a craving to pmo I cave, like last night i was watching a tv show on a streaming website and it had hardcore sex pop ups,,, got me.

    ye thats what scares me though, I know its so close and I keep pushing it away like im scared or dont want to have a healthy sex drive/life.


    Big thing I am noticing though is my anxiety is seriously through the roof, I see I am just a shell of who I really am when I am PMOing, I am hoping this force drives me to stop starting now. I am gonna go Day by Day now like a crack addict. Im gonna take it super serious like my life is on the line, my goal is to be back feeling rebooted and in touch with myself before the end of October, pretty realistic and obtainable, started at the gym monday I am planning on keeping 3-4 days a week at the gym regularly now. I cant stay on my computer late at night, and I cant go on streaming websites anymore, unless anyone knows of one without sex popo ups and ads all around it?
     
  13. Fry

    Fry Guest

    Re: Too many failed Attempts.. Striving to Put this Shit in My Rearview!

    Hey Rebalance I've been in an toxic relationship with a highly maniplating drama queen as well and your story reminded me of my experiences. If it's too much for you to handle (and it obviously triggers you to relapse - a deviant vicious cycle!!) then you should get out asap. There's better out there for you!
     
  14. R3balance

    R3balance Member

    Re: Too many failed Attempts.. Striving to Put this Shit in My Rearview!

    Thanks fry,

    We havent seen eachother in 13 days now, that is a very long time for us, we still have pictures up of us together, and our friends think we are together, I think we both are afraid to let go of eachother. We had a very passionate relationship, lots of history, but we have zero trust, have had violent fights, terrible verbal abuse both ways just a lot of terrible things have happened. I dont know how we had stayed together for so long, and its rough because almost every thing i look at on a daily base reminds me of her. Its tough right now, I am missing her alot and really upset at myself for relapsing so hard after our break up, A part of me doesnt think this break up will even stick just cause we have been through so much worse and have stayed together in the past.

    Asides from missing her, and the P relapsing it has been extremley nice not to fight with some one though, not to yell or be yelled at, no dram or stress about it, the only problem is the Porn,,, it gives me headaches and anxiety and brain fog, whihc I can see an instant change in my school work, motivation, habits and all of that is negative, I have gone a day now without P and am already getting strong urges to PMO, gonna take it day by day, and I am not striving for sex anymore, its not enough for me.


    I am doing this to live a fuller life, like I said I am only a shell of who I truly am and can be when I am Pmoing, its short changing my self and I cannot let that stand. Plus I need great grades this year to transfer to an MBA program and based off this past week and the lack of studying I have done for my first 10% quiz for my class tnight, I am not impressed and this is now my main motivator, I hope that changes my thoughts and control over my urges.

    Thanks again Fry, its hard to accept but I need to move on, I have thoughts of just talking to her and tryng to smooth out our break up, just because the last day we talked I was a total dick, on purpose to get her to leave me alone, as justified as I may have been or though I was I dont want to be that person, and no matter who was in the wrong, I want to apologize to her and go on with my life apart, I am not sure if its a good idea though.
     
  15. Fry

    Fry Guest

    Re: Too many failed Attempts.. Striving to Put this Shit in My Rearview!

    It is good to apologize, but in my case it was also an occasion to ride another round in the crazy rollercoaster. Like you also my trust destroyed, but I still miss her today. But for me there was no alternative, I had no futurexsith this girl, I had to move on..
     
  16. CidGuerreiro

    CidGuerreiro Well-Known Member

    Re: Too many failed Attempts.. Striving to Put this Shit in My Rearview!

    Sometimes you just have to cut off the gangrenous limb to prevent it from spreading the disease to the rest of your body. It sucks, but it's for the best.
     
  17. R3balance

    R3balance Member

    Re: Too many failed Attempts.. Striving to Put this Shit in My Rearview!

    I think that is the saddest part, I know we have no future together, and if we force it we both will live a long or short miserable life..

    It just bothers me right now, we are not talking, we are friends on fb still, Ive seen her liking pics and posts of my friends, our friends think we are still together I think, and our instagrams still have our pictures up together yet we arent friends on it, at least I think they still are I havent gone on in a long time,

    Not sure how to cut it off the best way and move on, but the no contact has been nice right now, and the Im on day 2 now, already getting intense intense urges to just PMO just once,,,,,,

    That damn addicts brain!
     
  18. R3balance

    R3balance Member

    Re: Too many failed Attempts.. Striving to Put this Shit in My Rearview!

    Ive had my worst 2 PMO days I think of my life now, I am on a PMO bender here, like a crack addict, instead of responding positively to my breakup and moving on and doing things that are positive and healthy I have been sliding bye and focusing on the negatives, abusing myself.

    I have been PMOing hard again now for over 3 weeks, I feel like a monster I cant stop, the worst part is the negatives are so noticeable

    Consequences I have noticed the past three weeks since PMOing again:

    -Anxiety, its through the roof
    -Energy, feel week and tired and achy
    -School Work, My first 2 weeks in class was the first time I can remember being in class focused learning easily, not fidgeting uncomfortably distracting myself and not really listening, if this makes sense, I was actually being a student, now as each week of PMO has gone by I have noticed a big change in my ability to learn and perform in school.
    -Emotions, all over the place, yesterday I cried on the toilet, I cant believe Im giving into this addiction so badly
    -Eating terribly and not caring, in general not caring enough to make the changes or put in actual effort for changes
    -Im being a slob, my room is now a mess, my car is a mess
    -Instead of cleaning or doing homework or working out, im just watching tv series over and over or playing GTA5 or madden 25



    I AM NOT OK WITH THIS, I PMOd 5 times yesterday and 2 or 3 times today, and the last time my dick did not want it at all it was so forced... This is getting out of hand, I do not feel in control of myself, and its scaring me. I am going to look into that recovery workshop that Underdog has posted tomorrow and start it, I need to recover again and not fall back into this.

    I am short changing myself of so much potential I have and so much I have to give and share with another.

    If I relapse again I will be taking serious steps, and seeking someone professional who helps those overcoming addictions. This is not healthy, and I am not setting myself up for a healthy life.

    I am living with regrets, missed opportunities on life that could be made available to me if I am putting my energy elsewhere, life is going to continue to pass me by, if I dont change this.

    I joined this forum October 25th last year, strange enough its almost been a year exactly and I feel exactly where I was then, with a little success in between, either way this is getting seriously scary. I have never realized how addicted I am until this month, it has shown a side of me I need to remove, for good.
     
  19. R3balance

    R3balance Member

    Re: Too many failed Attempts.. Striving to Put this Shit in My Rearview!

    I havent posted on here in forever.

    Just looking to get my feelings out, I have this addiction full blown.

    I always have a girl to rewire with, which makes me justify using porn, I keep waiting for a day where something inside me just changes, a light, a click, divine intervention something! To help break these addictive chains I wear.

    I am losing the inner head temptation battles, and when I lose them with porn I lose them everywhere else. I am going to be looking into a martial art to perhaps help with discipline and dedication.

    I dont even care about sex anymore I care that it has been much more than a year where I have been fully aware of my problem and known the negative side effects and been unable to stick to it. Even when I am so close having almost normal great sex and I know if I continue to not PMO I will get to where I want I crumble.

    In 4 days I am going camping with my girlfriend we while drinking and I know if I am unable to perform she will just no I PMOd, because I binged the past 2 days, I have PMOD 4 times. 3 of them being very long ones, 1hr 1hr 30 min 10 min , the second one had my penis kinda red, aggressive.

    Almost as if I dont want to have sex with my gf, its terrible, she is beyond gorgeous too its just so shitty for her.
    Ill post back here after camping see how the next few days ago, I just fell for the one last time one last time bullshit routine. 1st one was your doing so well, and shes being a bitch just do one youll have a good sleep and be fine shell never know.
    2nd one was right after, and it was an angry wah pity party one woah is me.
    3rd one was the next day after work, driving home I had predetermined it would be my last one watch a couple of my favourite scenes say goodbye...
    4th one was day after, which was today I just did it and it was a Im fucking addicted i just want to look, stated off with curious clicks on a browser that doesnt track history... real smart right.


    I just have to win these little battles in my head, gonna use this :

     
  20. R3balance

    R3balance Member

    Re: Too many failed Attempts.. Striving to Put this Shit in My Rearview!

    I am back,

    I joined this forum in 2012, found YBOP in 2011 it is now 2015 and I am almost 24..

    I no longer have a toxic relationship in my life.

    I no longer have a partner to rewire with.

    And I PMO regularly. Not as badly as the past but I still do. In fact I just did...

    Am I confident in my sexual abilities, no not at all.

    Would I pass up sex tomorrow with a beautiful lady most likley.

    Am I getting younger.. no.

    I will be leaving my laptop at work from now on, it will be impossible to PMO at home now on weekdays.

    On weekends I have to be extra careful and keep busy.

    I am going to do a rewire here and go as many days as possible without porn and a single orgasm. the target is 30. I still never have done that. I will take it day by day.

    I believe reducing volume of PMO, plus reducing PMO binges has a slow improvement on sexual response and if you are with a partner still it improves things.

    I cannot believe the lack of self control I can possess when it comes to diet and porn and active lifestyle. I can be so strict, and then the opposite I can be a flood gate.

    Urges arent easy to fight, but right now I am not even fighting them. I have a negative sexual attitude where I tell my self I dont care i am single with no interest to be with anyone right now.

    But that is terrible.

    Time to change and move on. 3+ years of actively fighting porn knowing its affects is too long to not have more definitive success. I have had successful periods but that is not enough.

    I am a firm believer porn is terrible for us. The novelty and overloaded stimulus. I know I have an anger problem when PMOing more and I know I am not the best I can be.

    Anyone can feel free to pipe in, honesty is great.

    I do not expect it though, as I will be using this selfishly to help myself get through this. VVV I hope you have continued on strong you and M where huge motivators for me before one of my most successful stretches where I went months of no PMO and regular healthy sex.

    tomorrow will be day 1
     

Share This Page