Committing to a Porn Free Life. I CAN do this! Persistence is Everything.

Discussion in 'Ages 20-24' started by R3balance, Oct 26, 2012.

  1. R3balance

    R3balance Member

    I found YBOP last year around late September, and have had nothing but rebooting on my mind since.
    I find this whole situation incredibly embarrassing and I am ashamed its come this far, but it is comforting knowing there are others battling the same as I, and to read from those who have reached success.

    I am here for the support.

    I am 21 years old, have only had sex with one girl who was my girlfriend for 2 years, in that two years our sex life was up and down.
    The first time she tried to give me head I didn't get hard, the second the third the fourth time...
    After the fourth she started to think something was wrong with her, as I started to think there was something wrong with me as every single sexual experience I had had with girls in high school up till than I had failed attempts.
    The first time we had sex it was with a terrible semi forced hard erection, not the best first time,,,

    From there on out it was inconsistent, sometimes it was great sometimes it was bad, I used cialis a couple times, which was awesome...
    we broke up over a couple years ago to unrelated issues, (Im sure this didn't help tho) and I have casual hooked up with her since which has been terrible for me,, And I meeeeen terrible.

    I have also had one other failed sex attempt with a girl since I broke up with my ex, I was drunk and happily blamed the booze, but pretty choked. and I have zero sexual confidence in my self right now.

    I feel like something has always been wrong with me but I couldnt put my finger on the cause, I thought porn was completely normal,,

    The first time I ever masturbated was with porn when I was in grade 5, I started looking at porn before I could even masturbate, once I started it just never slowed down, now that I think back I use to always try and stop by deleting my mass amount of limewired downloaded porn and then Id begin downloading again, before I new it would cause dmg. I think It affected me in school, in sports, I feel like its made me an inconsistent person.
    ever since I found porntubes tho i never went back ,,,, its the worst

    I could keep writing and writing
    On oct 14 I tried my first time with a written journal,,, failed on day 8 MO'd , pmod 4 times total next couple days
    Tried the written journal again pmod after one day another 4-5 times over a couple days.

    I feel like whenever I go no PMO it always ends with an MO followed by a PMO BINGE!

    It feels terrible, I have so many missed opportunities with woman, possibilities to connect, sleep with or date new women from this, because I now have zero sexual confidence its terrible, I am 21 years old and I have never had head to get me hard and finish once!


    The longest no PMO streaks I have gone were 15 days, 21 days, 24 days, and multiple 7 days, on the 24 one I stayed Porn free for just over 30 days.

    This is honestly the hardest thing I have done, and it scares me that I have known what causes my ED and have not been able to have the self control to reboot for over a year now. And the 21 days was last Dec, It seriously scares me like I am never going to be able to do it.

    SO I am here will be checking in every night I spend at home, I wont tmaro night because I wont be home at all tmaro which will make day 1 easy!
    which will be nice since today was suppose to be day 1 again but I MOd followed by 3 PMOS tnight..... FUCKing disgusted

    I am hoping this now with witness and support will hold me accountable, because I cant keep trying the same things it isnt working,this plus the daily counter!!!

    Gotta stay positive and strive for that R3balance!
     
  2. Re: Too many failed Attempts..

    Just keep your head high bro. It's a definite battle, but what doesn't kill you can only make you stronger. I haven't been able to have sex yet because all of my erections have been semi-hard. I missed about 8 different times to have sex!! Even with Cialis I still had issues lol. IT IS FRUSTRATING for sure. But what keeps me motivated is what you learn as you progress. I started to see girls as people and not objects that you just constantly MO to. I read a few posts on here about enjoying talking and flirting with girls, and then enjoying there smell and when they touch you. The little things I guess. It's good to put masturbation and porn on hold so you can realize what is real.

    Just keep reminding yourself of what you wrote on here about connecting, sleeping with, and dating new women. If you want these things you can have them!!!

    Good luck!! Fight the good fight
     
  3. R3balance

    R3balance Member

    Re: Too many failed Attempts..

    @DazedandConfuzed thanks for the response!
    Yea this is the toughest battle with anything I have ever had, and I cant wait to be on the other side looking back! The missed attempts are the worst, for me ive been at the point were I just avoid attempts and situations that lead to it entirely for awhile now. Yea its pretty weird how that change occurs from how we look at girls, pretty gross if you ask me,,

    The hardest part for me when rebooting is how horny I get when I am asleep or before and after sleeping, and the urge to MO which always has lead to either another mo or pmo and than a st8 pmo binge.

    Its been a nasty cycle for me.

    Day one for me is over and I had intense intense urges to MO last night in bed I felt like I was sleeping with a boner all night , was a tough day 1 night for me for sure, but what helped me refrain was thinking I have to make a post for my day 1 on this forum,,

    LOL so Im hoping this is what helps me, and hopefully others as well!

    taking a day by day approach thinking of each day as anew day 1!

    Keep your head up as well Dazed, it will happen for you when the time is right as long as you stick to the reboot process!

    Thanks and Goddluck to you too!!

    On Day 2 woo omgz only 89 more to goooo! ::)
     
  4. R3balance

    R3balance Member

    Re: Too many failed Attempts..

    On a side note, could anyone help me out, do I have to update my ticker manually each day or did I pick the wrong one?

    Thanks
     
  5. wxep

    wxep New Member

    Re: Too many failed Attempts..

    I think I know exactly how you feel. I've been trying for almost a year now. I had one streak of 70 days and a few other long ones, but it seems like it becomes more and more difficult the more you fail. This time I am trying to go no porn and minimum masturbation for about a month and then see if I can go off masturbation completely... It's like a final effort. I have blocked every source of porn including reddit, tumblr and google images, but I still find sexy videos on youtube! It's like I can't escape and my brain goes on autopilot.
     
  6. Re: Too many failed Attempts..

    @wxep

    How are relationships going or female sexual encounters? It's good to stay PMO free, but I feel we are all entitled to sexual gratification as long as it's with a girl.

    That's how my long streaks felt after a while. It was kind of a never ending feeling. Then when I finally MO'ed I realized that I need to start finding girls or I'm just going to be counting forever.
     
  7. R3balance

    R3balance Member

    Re: Too many failed Attempts..

    Make it two days, and today I have been home all day doing homework and watching football,,,

    fought off two really bad urges and failed on the third...

    Another failed attempt just PMOd Im gonna try and fight off any chaser affect now,,
    Now I gotta restart my counter,, Im pretty choked

    Thats crazy you made it 70 days and you still are struggling, I havent even come close to a 70 yet,
    Makes me think I am gonna have to go to 100,

    any advice or things that worked for you on that one?

    My problem is once I get an urge I have a mental fight with it and I keep losing these fights and I feel like each one i lose makes things harder and harder and im truly becoming discouraged

    I feel like this past year that I have pinpointed the problem and failed at making the change is just discouraging me in other areas of my life now, I am so choked with my complete lack of self control just feel like this is going no where
     
  8. retry

    retry New Member

    Re: Too many failed Attempts..

    Hi,
    You are not born with the type of self control you seek. you have to figure out how to have more self control. The best way to learn more self control is to analyze your failures at self control. Have you tried examining what things happen right before you relapse? What triggers you to look at porn? What do you do or tell yourself when you reach a critical point? And does it work? What other things can you try to help redirect your cravings at those crucial times?

    For example: if you start every porn binge by pic surfing, then perhaps you will decide you will write in your journal when you get a craving from pic surfing. Say you write in your journal and this helps dissipate your craving. then continue to write in your journal every time you get a craving. Keep practicing this until you make it a habit.
    now, you use this strategy consistently. But still you might eventually fail and relapse. Instead of beating up on yourself, take this as an opportunity to add more elements to your plan to defeat PMO addiction. Instead of being negative, look back and adjust your plan for dealing with your triggers based on how and why you failed. Throw out the elements of your plan that dont work. For example, writing in your journal takes a long time and can be painstaking and frustratingly slow. So add another level of redirection thats easier and shorter, like drinking a glass of water. Now you have two plans. If you get a craving, drink a glass of water. thats easy enough. if you still get the craving after drinking a glass of water, then you know its serious and maybe its worth the time of journalling. Keep working on this process until you've built it into a series of habits where you are now practicing taking care of yourself instead of engaging in your addiction.

    Everytime you fail, look back at what worked and what didnt. Add new things, keep trying different stuff. Talk to people about it. Learn who you can trust and what you need as far as support from others. You'll get there. Its a long road but its worth it. good luck.
     
  9. wxep

    wxep New Member

    Re: Too many failed Attempts..

    Yeah, having a girl (or girls) is absolutely critical to this in my opinion. In my more successful attempts, its been the promise of good sex with someone you like that has kept me from falling back. Unfortunately, being a graduate student at a small university, I'm very very busy all the time and so is everyone else. There isn't much of a social life and finding a girl here without ending up in a serious relationship is really difficult. Compound that with the fact that I'm in my last semester - which means little to no chance of having a serious relationship - and working on my master's thesis makes it all the more difficult.

    At the same time, I realize that if I can make it a week or two, it will be much easier to find a girl as I will be horny and producing the right kind of pheromones to put me in the right mindset.
     
  10. R3balance

    R3balance Member

    Re: Too many failed Attempts..

    @retry

    Yea I feel like if I spend a full day at home, usually that is a high chance of a PMO day.
    same with being bored at home on my computer or phone(which has K9 on it, but when I wanna PM0 i find away through youtube links on my fb app... porn flashbacks, or MO urges and MO, fantasizing,

    and I feel like going out for a walk, showering, journaling, going for a quick car ride, playing a game of madden, go work out, any of these things would help or kill the urge completely, but I have been having these mental battles lately that I have been losing, recognizing I am losing and somehow even while thinking I shouldn't be doing this I go through with it, or justify It enough to start and than figure once i have started I might as well finish and try again tomorrow.

    This needs to stop,
    I need to except I wont die if I dont MO, and I need to stop coming up with excuses to not do the things that would kill my urge or distract me from it.

    I read your journal and really liked how positive you are retry
    Tomorrow is a new day and I think a good night sleep will reverse how down and negative and ashamed I feel right now
    I agree with what Laurynas says on your journal which describes how I am feeling right now exactly:


    "Trying again", there's is no need for trying, all is needed is DOING IT.

    You've had multiple failures therefore it's even tougher for you to reboot.

    Every relapse and reboot failure goes down into your mind and every single reboot after that becomes harder because you didn't finish what you needed to finish and every failure makes it harder. After every failure you have lower confidence levels that you're actually able to do it.. If you keep on doing failures and relapses then one day may come when you just won't be able to reboot because the self-confidence will be simply to low and your mind will become weaker than the addiction..


    I also like what you (Retry) said
    "people often fail right at the moment they are about to succeed, so pay attention to the end as much as the beginning," and I'm going to try to remember this. I want to take everything that I've learned from success and failure and really see if this is the time I'm ready and able to quit forever. "



    Ive got to take this much more seriously as I feel like my life is on hold until I am rebooted, my future family, my career, my love life, my social self, my attitude, my confidence, everything.

    This is now the most important thing in my life over everything, I have always given ppl in my life family and friends a super hard time about smoking and not being able to quit smoking,,,
    Funny enough the jokes on me as im a hypocrit since I have a serious addiction to MO'ing and PMO.

    I have made a list of why I am doing this , and im going to do a pre set activity or distraction when urges arises, and if all else fails i will force my self to read that list i have written.

    Tomorrow is a new day, and a new reboot, I will be taking this more seriously!

    Will check in after day one Thanks for the responses and support, good luck to us all!!
     
  11. retry

    retry New Member

    Re: Too many failed Attempts..

    hey, sounds like youve got a good plan. I want to go on record and say I COMPLETELY DISAGREE with Laurynas and his assessment of failure. failure only makes it temporarily harder; then it hardens you to succeed. I believe Failure is the only way to succeed. you have to go through it to succeed. so thats why I say, accept yourself for your failures and learn from them. Dont get down on yourself for them, as frustrating as it may be to only make X days over and over before failing, the only way out is to analyze it hard and find that newer, bigger motivation,this time armed with supreme knowledge.
    The quote means: "when you do fail, look at that last little bit where you failed. figure out how to not give up at that crucial moment, because if you persevere, when the next chance comes and you are close to succeeding, remember how you are near to success and how success comes right at this moment, that will give you the motivation you need to have that self control. next time you reach near the end, you wont fail."
     
  12. R3balance

    R3balance Member

    Re: Too many failed Attempts..

    Just checking in, just finished 48 hours of no PMO, zero urges day 1 was drained from relapse binge probably, been pretty unmotivated and feeling down had trouble getting out of bed lots of trouble studying. Pretty normal feelings though for me after a relapse though,

    and Retry I worded myself very poorly, I meant at that very moment that described my mindset and how I was feeling, that is Laurynas's look on failure.

    I agree with you 100%, its just tough for me to think like that right after a relapse, but thats why I am doing this to reboot my dopamine flooded mind.

    Today I did have urges to PMO, multiple ones, as I caught a glimpse of a jason killer movie sex scene no nudity just noises followed by murderous death screams lol, either way came close to typing in a pornsite as I am studying using my computer right now, got away from my comp and have just come back to it.

    The urges def come in waves, as I learn to weather the waves, I understand them more,

    I looked around the forum a little bit, did not go through every thread but I havent seen this quote posted and I think it applies to every single person here:

    "God gives his hardest battles to his toughest soldiers"

    Truth!


    2 days down many more to follow, once I get past the 3 week mark I think thats when I will start making progress!!
     
  13. R3balance

    R3balance Member

    Re: Too many failed Attempts..

    Just want to add my focus is terrible right now, I have an exam tonight and I have barely studied have 6 hours to cram, and I just cant read or start, have brain fog and its terrible,,


    I want to PMO to feel ok, but I know thats just short term, and once I reboot my focus, studying and grades will all return, and perhaps improve.

    feel kinda like a crack addict right now fiending for a fix to feel allright

    :mad:
     
  14. Re: Too many failed Attempts..

    @WXEP

    Yeah I can understand where you are coming from, I'm an undergrad currently and this whole PMO/MO ordeal has seriously taken it's toll on college. From making it harder to study/focus, dropping classes, and losing my passion for school in general. It really made me question myself for a while...But anyways its just as crazy now trying to reboot, do school, and meet girls. I wish you the best bro. Just push through and keep your head up!!!
     
  15. King

    King Never give up.

    Re: Too many failed Attempts..

    Some solid advice in this thread & good luck R3balance! Quitting PMO for even 7-14 days will clear up your brain fog nicely and you'll have a much easier time doing school work! I experienced that starting around day 7 no PMO so get there this week and see for yourself! :)
     
  16. R3balance

    R3balance Member

    Re: Too many failed Attempts..

    Thanks King I hope your right!!

    I ended up salvaging a pretty good 4 and a half hours studying and did pretty well on the test thankfully its an easier class for me.

    When im in that mood I am very prone to just watch tv which burns hours away like no other,,

    After my test I was feeling really good, went to a halloween party, had a good time, got home watched another shitty but amusing Halloween movie lol and passed out..

    Happened to see some flashes of boob, muted the tv on te sex scenes and tried not to look, saw a bit though what can you do,,

    Today while studying I am doing research for a paper as well right now had a sexy pop up, made me pulsate a bit, closed it walked away from my computer and just came back again, pretty strong urges and flashbacks right now so I came on here to type instead!!

    Feeling decent today all and all still with the brain fog though and I look forward to getting to that point where it passes!!!

    Every hour every minute every second I will get closer!



    And as for my PMOtracker, it says ill reset it whenever I feel like it, not sure why but thats not true, if I was to view any kind of virtual stimuli and m, or edge, or mo I will post here and reset it, but since that wont be happening it wont be being reset !!
     
  17. R3balance

    R3balance Member

    Re: Too many failed Attempts..

    An hour or so away from hitting 4 days,

    Has been a pretty tough four days, feel like im going through withdrawals with headaches and moments of anxiety , pretty bad headaches to be honest on the right side of my head, I get these whenever I stop PMOing

    I have to use my computer to use my teachers powerpoint slides to prepare and tab my book for a test (where I am allowed to use my text in the test), and being on the computer is tempting me like no other right now and I dont know why I crave it so bad..

    I feel like this site is becoming a great tool, or outlet for me and I can see it being a big part of my success when I reach my goal
     
  18. R3balance

    R3balance Member

    Re: Too many failed Attempts..

    So not tonight but last night at 4AM I was having a very vivid sexually dream and I woke up masturbating and finished pretty much right when I realized I wasn't in a dream,,,

    Any one have an experience with this, does that count as a wet dream or do I have to restart my PMO counter? I dont know how I could have controlled that and I was barely awake, I didn't even realize what I had done until the morning.

    Id love to hear someones opinion on that, either ways to prevent that from happening again, or if I shouldt worry about that and it will happen once and awhile.


    Every time I have been in a reboot and I made the mental decision to MO a PMO binge would follow immediately, since I was barely awake when this happened and it was almost a wet dream, and I didn't have any sort of chaser effect and its been a full day, in 2 hours, since. I am not going to think of it as a MO, forced MO, or anything negative, I am going to consider it a wet dream.


    Opinions?


    And as for today I had a sexual encounter with the girl I had the dream about funny enough she had called me to hangout after I woke up.

    Hung out, then when I was driving her home she asked to go somewhere and when parked she started to kiss me, started to rub me, I felt a little bit of movement down there, but my libido on a scale from 1-10 felt like a 0.5 -1.5 with a few moments at 3 or 4,,,,, and I had zero confidence Id be able to perform even though I am unbelievably attracted to her, pretty upset I wasted another oppotunity, part of me wonders if I didnt have that wetdream MO whatever it was if it would have gone down different, not sure I am not even a week into this yet tho :eek:,,,, lol luckily we were in the car and i just said dont worry about me this time its an awkward position and I just took care of her and since I had to go to work just took care of it quickly than dropped her off.

    Just going to bed now, so like I said opinions on my PMO progress tracker should it be reset by what happened last night? can I say im finishing day 6 tonight or do I have to start over and Im just finishing day one again : :eek: :mad: :-\ ::)

    Night everyone, good luck with the self control and NO PMO!!!
     
  19. sepultur60

    sepultur60 lets rewire this shit !

    Re: Too many failed Attempts..

    you came here lets do it man
     
  20. R3balance

    R3balance Member

    Re: Too many failed Attempts..

    Yeaa Budddy!!

    Feeling pretty good, have urges here and there I have been suppressing them pretty well, brain fog still there but not as bad!

    Becoming more social everyday when around people, I am naturally a pretty outgoing person though

    Trying to stop fantasizing about sex before bed I know it can slow the recovery process, and temt me to MO, so I try to do the whole Imagine a big red X in my mind over the fantasy and it can actually help, read that from a success story on YBOP.
    Morning erections are feeling strong and tempting, try to get out of bad asap, and not touch at all!

    I have more urges to MO without P, but I know that will lead to more, that and this site is keeping me on track pretty well right now!

    I know to most people they wouldn't think where I am at in the process is that far but to me I feel like I am doing awesome , longest I have gone in months !!

    Just going to continue on taking it day by day and focusing on things I need to get done, like chores, school, friends family, etc etc,,

    Good luck to everyone on another day!
     

Share This Page