Commit and Change

Discussion in 'Ages 30-39' started by Thelongwayhome27, Sep 24, 2017.

  1. I’m 30 years old and single. I’m looking at my life and don’t like what I see.

    I think these are the 5 worst things about my life :

    1 – My social anxiety
    2 – My relationship with women
    3 – My addictions
    4 – My negative family dynamics
    5 – My finances

    As a result of these I have low self esteem, depression, anxiety and simply do not have much joy in my life. I'm far from being the person I think I could be.

    If I work on these areas, my life should improve - and my well being. Porn, is one of the elemens which, if removed, should place me in a better position to deal with life. It's not the only piece of the puzzle but it's an important one and I will try to commit to effectively learning to live without it.

    Today was a bad day. I've PMOed twice and was on P for hours. The whole day passed by without me doing anything positive for myself.

    I hope this journal will be a positive step in the direction I want to go.
  2. dark red drifter vessel

    dark red drifter vessel Active Member

    Welcome and good luck on your journey!
  3. Thanks Dark Red.

    1 day free of PMO/MO.

    The day was okay. Had some minor cravings, but they were manageable.
  4. I went for 28 days clean (hardmode) but I slipped back last sunday. It's the longest I've ever been able to go. I went 37 days once, 2 years ago, but I had a girlfriend at the time and thus had a sexual release. Since slipping on sunday, I've been binging quite a bit.
    I don't think I can go hardmode indefinitely, being a single guy who's bad at getting girls. At some point the sexual need becomes so intense I just can't think about anything else. Even if I go to sleep, it's there the next day. I become so horny that I fantasize about more hardcore stuff. I think the best would be an occasional MO release. If only I can find a way to stay away from P and MO every now and then.
    I'll have to try again but right now I don't have a plan.
  5. Hey guys,

    I haven't posted in quite a while but figured maybe now is a good time.

    I'm in an incredibly bad relapse cycle unfortunately. I'm pretty much alone and don't know how to deal with it anymore, I'm at my wits end. But I'm trying to be calm, somehow positive, and move forward. I was doing quite well, I thought and felt, from the end of summer until about mid fall. Not only was I managing my urges and staying away from the compulsive behaviors but I was making many positive changes. I was becoming more assertive, working on my skills. I felt I was progressing and thought I could see genuine signs of improvement. Unfortunately stress got to me slowly and I lost my momentum gradually. I've had a series of relapses, from smaller to larger and larger. And now I'm just not able to get back on the wagon.

    Hopefully I can figure it out.
    occams_razor likes this.
  6. occams_razor

    occams_razor New Member

    You can do it.
    Thelongwayhome27 likes this.
  7. Thanks friend. Hope so.
  8. Hi guys,

    I had a big relapse on Thursday night and yesterday I was super depressed, wasn't able to not PMO 3 times over the course of the day. I was hungover as well.

    I managed to get a good night of sleep last night, at least. I must have slept about 8.5 hours. Today perhaps I will be able not to PMO. And get a Day 1 in.

    Unfortunately I am extremely down and low today as well. Because of all these relapses I've had. I feel like I need to make a serious change in my life in order to be able to take a new start seriously. Otherwise, if I do the same thing again, I will add on some good days and then will relapse again. As usual.

    Maybe I need to change my occupation, move somewhere else. Something like that. I know that is not what would solve everything but it would help building momentum.

    If I relapsed it's because I'm still not doing something correctly. Relapse is a symptom.

    I hope I can manage to stay away from PMO, forgive myself for the relapses, start building back some calm and fostering some clarity.

    As they say, one day at a time. I don't have another choice right now.
  9. Hey guys,

    Yesterday I was able to have a clean good day. I took advantage of the fact that it was Saturday and had the day to myself (without responsibilities). Often in those times we can use that space exactly to indulge in the unhealthy behaviors but fortunately I was able to break the pattern yesterday after being down in the gutter, and get a good day in ; I took care of myself yesterday, which is the foundation of any recovery effort. I can already feel a bit more calm, more perspective. I have to try to build on this.
    occams_razor and Antonius like this.
  10. Antonius

    Antonius New Member

    TLWH, build on today. When you’re in the dumps, it can be so hard to climb out. You did that for a day! Try it again tomorrow.
  11. Thanks for the kind words Antonius.

    Today is Monday morning and soon I have to leave for work and start a new week. I've just finished my coffee - drinking it basked in a nice winter sunlight that was coming through the window. I closed the TV and simply started reflecting on my situation. There is this uneasy feeling about what happened, about my relapses.

    I managed to get a second good clean day in yesterday (Sunday). With Saturday, that makes two days where I nurtured myself appropriately. I slept enough, I ate well, worked out, I tried to calm down, get some healthy rest. I took advantage of the fact that it was the weekend and didn't have anything to do. These two days have given me a bit of stability. I know the best thing to do is to keep building on them. It's the healthy thing to do.

    But, I'm having trouble processing my relapse - from late November until now. Especially the last week I've gone down in compulsive behaviors to a very strong degree. This happened right before starting a new year, and also before an important period of 4 months at work. It's as if I've completely self sabotaged myself. I don't know how to process this self destructive action of mine and it makes me very worried for the future. I'm gonna have a hard time at work for the next couple of weeks, socially. It's gonna be hard to put this aside and focus. Part of me is thinking to quit, take time off, and focus 100% on recovering. But I don't think I can do this, financially speaking.

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