Clovis’s journal

Discussion in 'Ages 40+' started by Clovis6, May 17, 2020.

  1. Clovis6

    Clovis6 Active Member

    Day 44

    I was intending to meditate Last thing at night as a means to ward off fantasies. However, I came up with a better idea. I went for a body scan instead. I’ve demonstrated this body scans To groups of folks a few times, so I’m quite familiar with it. Basically, starting the left foot, I put my attention and it and then slowly work my way up the left leg, (angle, lower, leg, knee, upper leg) putting my attention on each part. I then move to the left hand and do the same for the left arm.

    After that I move my attention over to the right side of my body, and slowly move my attention down the right arm, into the right leg, before finishing in the right foot. Finally I put attention on all arms and legs simultaneously and keep it there for a while. This particular body scan doesn’t include the head or torso, as those areas are where nearly all strong sensation, emotion, and thought are located.

    I thought this body scan would be useful, as it is a means of putting my attention away from my head, where the fantasies start, and also away from my groin, where I might react to the fantasy. So it is helping to cut the fantasy off at the source and also eliminate the reaction. I am going to practice this every night so that I am ready for any fantasies if they reoccur. It is also a great way to fall asleep!

    I am not concerned about fantasies appearing during the daytime, as I’m busy doing stuff and so I just don’t have time to keep my attention on them. However, the body scan can be done at any time, either standing, laying down, or sitting, so if need be I can do it then too.
    positivef and Gil79 like this.
  2. Clovis6

    Clovis6 Active Member

    Day 45

    I did the body scan again last night, and I think that it’s now going to become a part of my night time routine. I find it very relaxing and it will also be interesting to explore it in more depth. More importantly that that, it also came in useful last time in warding off some fantasies that started to pop up.
    Gil79 likes this.
  3. Gil79

    Gil79 Seize the day

    I do the bodyscan quite often as well. Another one I really like is the 3-minute scan, in which you focus 1 minute (appr.) on your body (where do you feel tension or pain), then 1 minute on your emotions (are you happy, angry, sad, etc.), then 1 minute on your mind (are you calm, are there many thoughts or even urges) and then you ask yourself the question: 'what do I really need most right now?).
    positivef likes this.
  4. Clovis6

    Clovis6 Active Member

    Thanks! I’ll try that.
  5. Clovis6

    Clovis6 Active Member

    46 Days

    I’m not sure when I’ll get to see my girlfriend again physically, as we live in other countries and can’t travel at the moment. So I might have at least another month to keep working on my reboot before I get the opportunity to be with her again. I find that helps strengthen my resolve.
  6. forlorn

    forlorn Well-Known Member

    It's a horrible feeling when you start to lose your muscle gains through inactivity - but at least you're doing something about it. It could be a while before the gyms are allowed to re-open (shared changing rooms, poor ventilation, everyone touching the same equipment and surfaces). I'm doing press ups at home but they only work the chest and triceps. Need to look into these body weight exercises that you mentioned.
  7. Clovis6

    Clovis6 Active Member

    Hi Forlorn,

    There’s a whole bunch of exercises to work all of the body. I think that there’s sometimes a debate about gym vs non-gym, but I stay out of that (like I’m staying out of the gym!)

    I like this guy, Al Kavadlo, a lot:

    He has a great energy about him.

    He also uses climbing frames, whatever is to hand that can serve as equipment. There are a couple of really small parks near where I live, and I sometimes go there early in the morning/late in the day to use the climbing frames etc when no-one else is around.
    forlorn likes this.
  8. Clovis6

    Clovis6 Active Member

    Day 47

    The fantasies seem to be diminishing in intensity but I have to remain vigilant about them. I’m thinking of adding another small exercise session last thing at night to tire myself out a bit more. That combined with either/or meditation/body scan should send me off to sleep and not leave me laying in bed and more prone to fantasies.
    Gil79 likes this.
  9. Clovis6

    Clovis6 Active Member

    Day 50

    Busy with work stuff over the last week, so didn’t post. I should make this my #1 priority, so I want to get back into the habit of daily posting.
    Gil79 likes this.
  10. forlorn

    forlorn Well-Known Member

    Hi, thanks for the link. I will check it out. I quite like going to the gym but I reckon it could be a little while before they reopen due to covid, everyone touching the same surfaces, shared changing rooms/bathrooms, with poor ventilation etc. I have a few dumbbells at home but they actually belong to my wife - they're ridiculously light and in bright girly colours (not that it really matters I suppose).

    How's your week going so far? Yeah I think getting back into the habit of daily posting is a good idea, it can help us to maintain focus.
  11. Clovis6

    Clovis6 Active Member

    That’s the longest gap between posts since I started this thread. Nothing too major to report on. Work got busy, and so I let posting on here slip.

    I noticed that on Day 50 above I wrote:

    “Busy with work stuff over the last week, so didn’t post. I should make this my #1 priority, so I want to get back into the habit of daily posting.”

    Well, I obviously didn’t do that. So time to restablish the habit now.
    Gil79 likes this.
  12. Gil79

    Gil79 Seize the day

    Good to hear that your still going strong!
  13. Clovis6

    Clovis6 Active Member

  14. Clovis6

    Clovis6 Active Member

    I’ve been experiencing quite a bit of anxiety over the last couple of days. I’m not sure whether that’s part of this process or not.

    I has previously started the Recovery Nation Workshop, but only got through the first couple of days.

    I’ve decided to start it again from scratch. I’ve been reading and reflecting on the fact that without some sort of work on self, then a lot of reboots are basically getting your teeth and relying on abstinence, rather than working on the underlying issues that caused the addiction in the first place. This is what I’ve done in the past. I’ve then beaten myself up for breaking the chain of days, without realising that without working on myself, then I’m never going to establish a new self as a porn-free person.

    So I kind of regard everything that I’ve done previously, including this reboot so far as being the foundation for my real recovery to start.

    I’m going to log brief notes about the Recovery Nation Workshop (RNW) as I go along.

    RNW - Day 1.

    Introduction to the workshop and what to expect.

    The Stages of a permanent recovery
  15. forlorn

    forlorn Well-Known Member

    Working on yourself and addressing underlying issues - good call. I struggled to complete the RN workshop, it feels very time intensive, certainly in the early lessons. However, it's an amazing resource with many valuable insights. I recall one section where you get a photo of yourself as a child, recognize your own innocence and how you were free of addiction - a very powerful exercise. And the section about the foundation of a proper reboot and establishing values is golden. I look forward to hearing how you get on with it.
    Clovis6 likes this.
  16. Clovis6

    Clovis6 Active Member

    I felt that I needed some sort of structure to follow. All my previous reboots have been down to me trying to figure it out by myself...that didn’t work out so well
  17. Clovis6

    Clovis6 Active Member

    I feel as though the reboot so far has been relying mainly on willpower so far. I know that this will only take me so far, so I need to start using other tools and resources.

    I thought I’d list all the reasons why I need to keep going and quit PMO.

    1. It will lead to the end of my relationship with my GF.
    2. I will never have a successful relationship.
    3. Any sort of addiction will sabotage attempts to work on my own business.
    4. My thinking will never be straight as PMO effects the pre-frontal cortex which is the rational part of the brain. This has ramifications in terms of my financial well-being amongst other things.
    5. Addictions end very badly if left to continue: irretrievable loss, mental health issues, possible legal problems, massive regret
    6. I will never find out my potential in life.
    7. If PMO is the driving force in my life, then I will never be able to explore the spiritual side of life that I’ve always been interested in.
    8. I have to make some major changes in my life next year: moving country, changing work. I need to be in the best possible state to do this. I have to have clear thinking and not having anything that might interfere with this. I can’t afford to screw up next year. It could have very bad consequences.
    9. I have seven months to get fully clear of this before I have to start making major changes.
    10. I have always tended to hide from things. having an addiction that I am deeply ashamed off won’t help with this.
    11. The confidence and feeling of agency that I will gain from quitting PMO will enable me to take on new challenges in life.

    That’s it for now...I’ll add to the list when I come up with anything else.
  18. Clovis6

    Clovis6 Active Member

    RNW - introduction - cont’d

    Stage 2: Develop Realistic Expectations

    Stage 3: Rebuild Your Identity

    Stage 4: Managing the First Setback

    Stage 5: Lifestyle Changes through Skill Development

    Stage 6: Prepare for Relapse

    Stage 7: Progression, Not Perfection
    positivef likes this.
  19. forlorn

    forlorn Well-Known Member

    Good list. Sounds like you've put some thought into it. Number 6 (about reaching full potential in life) is a big one. Maybe you can scan the list daily to remind yourself why you're on this journey.
  20. Clovis6

    Clovis6 Active Member

    That’s a good point to keep going back to the list as a reminder.

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