Clovis’s journal

Discussion in 'Ages 40+' started by Clovis6, May 17, 2020.

  1. Clovis6

    Clovis6 Active Member

    That’s a good point. I would also add to that: note what you did when you didn’t act on the urges. E.g. had a cold shower, went for a walk etc.
    Gil79 likes this.
  2. Clovis6

    Clovis6 Active Member

    I’ve found the situation to be okay, as we’ve only ever had a relationship on a distance basis anyway. We were friends for a couple of years, before we started dating, and now we’ve been together (apart?!) for a year and a half. In a way the distance relationship prepared us for the prolonged separation that is happening due to Covina. Having said that, I think it’s a lot harder for her, as I don’t tend to miss people too much when they’re not there.
    Gil79 likes this.
  3. Clovis6

    Clovis6 Active Member

    Day 29

    Last night was intesting in that I had some quite strong fantasies come up while I was laying in bed trying to go to sleep. I can’t anything that would have triggered the fantasies, they just seemed to come out of the blue. I shifted my position so that I was laying on my back and thus unable to rub my crotch again the bed. I think previously I would have justified doing so by thinking ‘Well, it’s not masterbation, so it’s okay...’ The thing is, it goes back to the point that Gary or somebody else raised of “‘If you think it’s porn, then it’s porn” Or in this case I would swap out porn for masterbation.

    Anyway, I tried letting the fantasises subside which they did to some extent, only to reappear. I tried observing the sensations in the body caused by the fantasies, that was quite interesting. I ended up getting out of bed and reading a book for a while, before returning to bed and then falling asleep. I was pretty pleased with not having acted on the fantasies, which hopefully means a little bit more of my brain is slowly being rewired. I also have a couple of tricks I can try out next time fantasise occur ( letting them subside, observing sensations, getting out of bed, reading)
    Thelongwayhome27 and Gil79 like this.
  4. Clovis6

    Clovis6 Active Member

    Day 30

    No fantasies came up last night, so that made things easier.

    My GF has lost quite a bit of weight over the last couple of months and that is wanting me to be with her even more. (We live in separate countries and can’t visit at the moment). It is also inspiring me to keep going with my reboot so that I will be in a position to perform with her when we do finally get together. It is also motivating me to up my exercise routine. I’ve set myself the target of putting on some muscle. I used to go to the gym a lot and know how to gain weight through weight training. I’m now learning about how to put on muscle and weight through callisthenics (body weight exercises)
    Gil79 likes this.
  5. Clovis6

    Clovis6 Active Member

    Day 31

    I had some fantasies come up last night, but they seemed to pass a lot quicker than before. I didn’t have to get out of bed and distract myself to deal with them. One thing I found was that when I didn’t engage with them e.g. keep my mind on them or M to them, then they started to lose their power pretty quickly and dissipate. The association of image (whether physical or in head) and touching in response (M/rubbing) is so strong, that I now realise that if it’s the image alone it’s no longer so appealing. It’s cool, it feels as though I’ve unlocked a technique to work with. Not that I am going to experiment by looking at pictures of anything!
    Gil79 likes this.
  6. Eternity

    Eternity Patience

    Good job getting through the first 30 days. It should not get harder now, but awareness really is the key to success.
    Gil79 likes this.
  7. Clovis6

    Clovis6 Active Member

    Thanks! That is so true about awareness being the key to success. I think it’s one of the key reasons that previous reboots failed; I gradually started paying less and less attention as I thought I’d got it under control. Awareness is key to pretty much anything now that I’m reflecting on it a bit more. How many mistakes/dumb things have I life due to not being aware of what was going on.
    Boxer17 and Gil79 like this.
  8. Clovis6

    Clovis6 Active Member

    Day 32 - 34

    Nothing too much to report on. Had a couple of fantasies but they seemed to pass very quickly. As long as I didn’t put any attention on them, they faded really quickly.

    I feel as though I’m making progress, however, I must be careful not to become complacent. I think I’ve had three previous reboots of over thirty days. One around 30, the others 60 and 120. So I know that relapse can happen after progress has been made.
  9. Gil79

    Gil79 Seize the day

    Familiar numbers! Someone once posted statistics of a nofap app and it clearly showed that people relapse after the period they had set for themselves (1,2,3,7,14, 30, 60, 90 days). We have to keep looking beyond those numbers. Looking back, can you identify why you relapsed after such long streaks? Anyway, you seem to be doing great. Keep it up!
    Boxer17 likes this.
  10. Clovis6

    Clovis6 Active Member

    Interesting point about people relapsing after hitting their target.

    Why did I relapse after such long streaks?

    Good question. Maybe before I was regarded the reboot as being for 90 days and not 90 days + the rest of my life.

    I can’t recall ethylene my longest reboot of 120 finally broke down. However, I don’t think it was a very honest reboot. I know for sure that it was 120 no O, butI think there was some P in there, not the P I was using pre-reboot, but some stuff that I had managed to rationalise was okay to view. I think it was similar for M. There was no M in the usual sense, but instead substitution in terms of rubbing my crotch against the bed at night to try and replicate the sensation.

    I also wasn’t in any sort of relationship at the time, so I hadn’t made the connection back then between PMO and ED

    For my current reboot, I’m a lot more honest with myself and aware of exactly what I’m doing. I’m also in a relationship now where I’m having a problem with ED, and so that motivates me to want to cure it.
  11. Clovis6

    Clovis6 Active Member

    Day 35 - 36

    No urges in the last couple days. My meditation practice has slipped inthe last few days, so I’m resuming that today as it has seemed to help so far.

    I feel that I have a huge issue with procrastination at times. I wonder if this might be something to do with hyperfrontality:

    Another aspect of the rewiring process involves strengthening your executive control, which resides in your prefrontal cortex (behind your forehead). Assessing risk, making long-range plans, and controlling impulses are under the control of the prefrontal cortex. The term hypofrontality is often used when describing how addictions weaken and inhibit these self-control circuits. It takes time, and consistency, to return these circuits to full working order.

    The above passage was from this article:

    Now that my reboot is well underway I’m looking to see what else I can do to rewrite my brain. I think that meditation will help with this, so I’ve got to make sure that I sit everyday as this will greatly aid the process. I am also planning more and working on getting organised. I feel that this will also help. It is as though all these activities should help each other na dmake my brain better.
    Gil79 likes this.
  12. Clovis6

    Clovis6 Active Member

    Day 37

    Nothing too much new to report on. No urges yesterday.

    My girlfriend got a new dress and tried it on for me yesterday (we live in separate countries). She was really beautiful in it, so that has given me extra motivation to get as far along with the reboot as possbile before I see here again. If I go visit her in her country, which I did a lot last year, I would have to do 14 day’s quarantine, although I would be allowed into the country. However, I wouldn’t be allowed back into my country of residence due to there being a blanket ban of foreigners entering the country.

    So that kind of sucks, having said that, it has given me the time and space to sort out my reboot, so I am regarding it as a positive and not wasting this opportunity.
  13. Clovis6

    Clovis6 Active Member

    Day 38

    I think that my willpower is slowly starting to improve. Yesterday I found myself completing a whole bunch of things that I’d been procrastinating on for some time. My thinking seems to be improving as well, although it’s really subtle, so it’s tricky to tell. It just kind of feels as thoughI am making connections better. I still need to keep working on my focus. Meditation will help with this.
  14. Clovis6

    Clovis6 Active Member

    Day 39

    Some minor fantasies popped up yesterday. They didn’t seem to linger at all and soon passed. That seemed to be an improvement to me as a) they passed quicker then before b) I felt no need to let my attention linger on them, whereas before they would have hooked me.
    Boxer17, Gil79 and NCBob like this.
  15. NCBob

    NCBob The 11th commandment: Thou shalt not peek:-)

    keep up the great work, Clovis6:)
    Boxer17 and Gil79 like this.
  16. Clovis6

    Clovis6 Active Member

    Thanks! Will do!
    Boxer17 likes this.
  17. Clovis6

    Clovis6 Active Member

    41 days

    Fantasies came up quite strinngly last night, so that’s something I’ve got to be careful with. To improve my ability to focus on the mmomnet, and also to observe thoughts/sensations arising and letting them pass, I’m recommitting to my meditation practice. I have to make this a priority and meditate everyday without fail.
    Gil79 likes this.
  18. Gil79

    Gil79 Seize the day

    Fantasies at night are so dangerous. Sometimes it even feels unfair, as if the inner-addict tries to get you at your weakest moment . . . Well done for letting them pass!
  19. Clovis6

    Clovis6 Active Member

    Thanks. I think I might vary my nighttime routine to see if that has an effect. I might try meditating last thing at night as a means to clear and focus my mind. Meditation late at night usually send me to sleep quickly as well!
  20. Clovis6

    Clovis6 Active Member

    Day 43

    No fantasies yesterday, so that certainly made things easier. Seeing as the fantasies have been occurring recently, I’m going to see what information I can find relating to this, to see if there’s any good advice to follow to head them off next time they come around.
    Gil79 likes this.

Share This Page