Clovis’s journal

Discussion in 'Ages 40+' started by Clovis6, May 17, 2020.

  1. Clovis6

    Clovis6 Well-Known Member

    Hello everyone,

    I’ve been delaying signing-up here for quite some time, even though it’s anonymous.

    I’ll post more about my history later, but I wanted to get the first post up rather than keep procrastinating about doing it.
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  2. Clovis6

    Clovis6 Well-Known Member

    Background - part I.

    This is going to be a bit of a long spiel, but I thought it good to get out of the system.

    I am 47 years old.

    I’ve had a porn addiction for a long time, but it wasn’t until maybe seven or eight years ago that I realised it, and then it was a while before I started doing anything about it.

    I have done a number of reboots. About six years ago I recorded a streak of about 120 days without PMO, but looking back I’m not so sure how clean that streak was. There was no MO, but there was probably some P, which I somehow managed to rationalise.

    Since then I have had a number of reboots, but the second most was maybe 60 days. Again, I’m not sure how clean those were because the mind of a tremendous ability to justify what is okay to look at.

    I was a late started when it came to intimate relationships. I didn’t have the nerve to date when I was younger, at least not to try seriously.

    I didn’t have sex until I was thirty three. This was a source of great shame to me and I tried to cover it up. But probably my friends knew or guessed it at the time. I used to lie a lot to cover my lack of dating/sex.

    When I started having sex, the sex was okay although I was using porn at the time. I said okay, it was okay for me, not so sure it was for the women I was with. I liked them, they were nice and good-looking, but my sexual drive was elsewhere.

    The second woman , N, I had sex with I really liked. We never moved in together, but I used to hang out at her place a lot.

    We probably would have started together, but she wanted children, so I ended the relationship after about six months. I have never wanted children, I have never doubted this for a moment. N was really nice, she was cool and fun to be with. We liked each other for who we were. I have sometimes thought that this was the best relationship I’ve had. Anyway that ended.

    A year after breaking up with N, I started dating H, who I basically fell in love with pretty much instantly. We immediately started planning to live together. I thought she was indifferent about wanting to have children, but I probably didn’t want to ask directly due to what happened with N. It turns out she did want children and so she ended up duping me, which was fair enough. We lived together for about a year and a half, and during this time I continued to use porn. The sex slowed down with H and I think she found this frustrating. I thought H was attaractive, but again, her alone didn’t turn me on.

    After I split with H, I didn’t have any sort of intimate relationship for about eight years. I dated a few times, but never really got close to being physical. There were a couple of women I though were really nice, one of them was really cool, but I let the relationship drift, maybe because I was getting my ‘satisfaction’ elsewhere. At this point I was starting to feel nervous and weird when out dating women, even though they were nice and acting normal themselves. I just couldn’t seem to relax. One of them, S, never really worked out although we remained friends afterwards.

    Then a couple of years ago I met J who was by far the most attractive women I had dated. I really liked her. She dated for a few months and then slept together for the first time when we went on a trip together. It was supposed to be a romantic trip to make the first time we had slept together. I had complete and utter ED. I had had a little bit of it in the past, but never like this before. I lay awake all night feeling devastated about it. We kept dating and then a month later she came over to my place and it was the same result all over again. I reassured her that it was nothing to do with her looks, she was attractive, and I certainly didn’t mentioned anything about porn.

    We kept dating and then probably a month later at the end off a date. I ended the relationship thinking it had no future. I told her I was coudn’t Be a good BF for her because of the sex, and she said not to worry and that we’d keep trying. She was really upset when I ended it. On the night that I ended it, I kept telling myself ‘don’t do it...don’t do it....wait...wait...’ but I couldn’t stop myself. I contacted her again thinking about apologising and then restarting, but then I changed my mind. I still regret ending it with J.

    A year after that I met A and started a distance relationship. We live in differnt countries. Last year I visited her six or seven times. Every single time we have tried to have sex I have been unable to get an erection.

    She really likes me, and we are now planning to move back to my country, together. She lived there for about three years and wants to study there and then work. She is a highly skilled professional, who wants to transition her career by relocating for better opportunities. She doesn’t really want to date in her own country due to not really fitting in with the guys there, and also I guess because she really likes me.

    We get on well together, and she could be a really good person for me because she forces me to raise my game. However, the Achilles heel in the relationship I think is my ED.

    She is really patience. I have had no problem with trying to pleasure her in every other way apart from using my dick, although my own satisfaction with sex is minimal and frustrating due to lack of performance. I have continued to PMO throughout this time. Probably the longest reboot streak I have had while with her has been a month clear of PMO, two months MO.

    I think I’ll stop there and continue later with the background.
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  3. Clovis6

    Clovis6 Well-Known Member

    Day 1.

    I felt a lot of anxiety today, but I’m not sure if this is because of the first day of the reboot. I haven’t that well the last couple of nights, and that is mainly because of too much PMO. I practically didn’t sleep at all on Friday night because of it, and Saturday was almost equally bad. Sunday, also patchy.

    Today was kind of stressful at work, so the combination of PMO induced insomnia, stress, and way too much caffeine left me a bit jittery.

    I know that I enjoy life a lot more when I feel clear, but today just a grind. Still, I didn’t PMO at all.
  4. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    Good job not PMO'ing. As has been said here many times "neurons that fire together, wire together." ED absolutely disappears when we get off P and MO. I'm 20 years older than you and I am still having sex without the use of drugs. I'm not a super hero and I do not have an excess of testosterone. lol I'm just a fat, bald, guy who committed to not using P. I had a little stumble recently after all most 4 years clean, but all the work I did helped me get over the hump and I'm feeling good again.

    A lot of men here, myself included, have found the book "No More Mr. Nice Guy" helpful. We have to change our outlook on sex. Sex is a need for a man. It's OK to put that need first. My pecker started working better when I decided that I didn't care whether my woman was enjoying it or not, that it was just for me. This helps to rewire the brain to accept that we are worthy of enjoying our own bodies.

    Welcome to the forum!
    Gil79 likes this.
  5. Clovis6

    Clovis6 Well-Known Member

    Thanks for the welcome!

    Another friend has mentioned the same book, so I’ll have to check it out again.

    I completely agree with sex is a need for a man. My GF is very much interested in sex, and is supportive of my lack of performance. She says she is interested in getting better at sex, and is certainly open about it. In a way it is the ideal relationship to help me get over this.

    At the moment it’s a distance relationship. Due to the current situation, I haven’t been able to visit her since January, and we’re not sure at the moemnt when we’ll meet up again.

    What you wrote is very motivating for me, as it means that I have a potential twenty years plus of good sex to look forward to when I am through with this.
  6. Clovis6

    Clovis6 Well-Known Member

    Background part II.

    I have an extra level of motivation to quit this. I mentioned above that my GF and I are planning to move back to my own country, probably next year. I have been living aboard for over twenty years, and the longer you stays in a place the more difficult it is to change. If I don’t use this opportunity to move back, then I may never be able to motivate myself to act if it is only down to me.

    Having said that, I have heard that quitting PMO opens up all sorts of possibilities, such as increased energy, willpower, ability to take action etc. So who knows what sort of person I can become.
  7. Clovis6

    Clovis6 Well-Known Member

    Day 2.

    Less anxiety today.

    Fairly busy with work.

    I started off the day with an hours meditation. I have had an on/off mediation practice for years, so I thought that it might be a good idea to step it up.
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  8. Clovis6

    Clovis6 Well-Known Member

    A few thoughts on previous reboots.

    I thought it might be useful to go over some previous reboots and identify any patterns.

    I’ve found quite a few times that I seem to hit a bit of a wall at around the two to three week mark. That is when I nearly always seem to relapse.

    The longest streak of no PMO I think I’ve had is about 120 days. Having said that, I think that might not have been exactly clean.

    The next longest was around 60 days. There have also been a couple of 30 days. The rest have been up to three weeks and of course way shorter.

    This has all been over a six year period.

    I always seem to get some anxiety as Iget close to two weeks, it’s not only the tension of abstaining, but I think also that I know that historically I’m about to break the streak. It’s become a mental block for me.
    Last edited: May 19, 2020
  9. Clovis6

    Clovis6 Well-Known Member

    Day 3.

    I’ve been feeling anxious all day long. I haven’t had any urges to act out, there have been a few brief thoughts, but they quickly passed.

    I’m not sure why I am feeling this jittery and uneasy so early in the reboot. Previously, I have started to feel uneasy at around ten days to two weeks. Maybe it is because I am taking it more seriously this time, that the effects have appeared sooner.

    My concentration and focus has been all over the place today. I meditated for an hour this morning, but it was mostly thoughts whirring around and around.
  10. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    There is no linear progression to the healing, but it's happening. :) Keep going!
  11. Matt2020

    Matt2020 Member

    Welcome @Clovis6 , it sounds like you know what you want and have your head screwed on so best of luck to you.
    It's also nice that your GF is on board with your goal. :)
  12. Clovis6

    Clovis6 Well-Known Member

    Thanks for the welcome! I hope that I have my head a bit better screwed on than before. I’m certainly taking this reboot a lot more seriously than before.

    My GF doesn’t know about the PMO, unless she’s figured it out and hasn’t brought it up. She’s very direct, so I think she would have by now. It’s a distance relationship , so we live apart. Because of the current Corona situation, we don’t know when we’ll get to meet up again, maybe not for a few months. I figure that this gives me a window to sort out the PMO and ED before we meet again, so that I can start to have proper sex with her. It would certainly be a good way to restart the physical relationship.
  13. Clovis6

    Clovis6 Well-Known Member

    Thanks! Good point about the linear progression, or rather lack of it. I think that’s important for me to keep in mind.

    I intend reading up this through Your Brain on Porn and other sources, so that I am as well-informed as possible, and know what to expect during the reboot.
  14. Clovis6

    Clovis6 Well-Known Member

    Day 4.

    My attention and focus was still all over the place during my morning meditation sit, but a bit better than yesterday.

    I’ve noticed a pattern of relapsing after a stressful day, which is understandable. But also a couple of times after days when I’ve been on a roll and got a lot of projects done. I think this might have been because while I was looking to escape from anything, I wanted to take the high of being on a roll to another level, and hence I looked PMO to provide that.

    I definitely need to get more exercise. Because of my job, I am usually on my feet moving about for five to six hours, plus walking to and from the train station. That’s all not happening at the moment, so I have to make sure I get more exercise due to my own efforts.
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  15. Clovis6

    Clovis6 Well-Known Member

    Day 5.

    Yesterday I got in some more exercise.

    I’m thinking it might be good to stop drinking coffee for a while, as that tends to make me jittery, and seeing as I’ve been feeling a lot of anxiety this week I don’t really want to exacerbate it.

    The morning meditation sit was very patchy, but the main thing at the moment is to establish the habit of sitting in the morning. I’ve also using the meditation as training for the rest of the day, as when I sit there I have to be careful of my mind wandering off on chains of thought and to keep remembering to bring myself back to the present moment. I think that’s very similar how during my day I have to keep focusing on the task at hand and not to get easily distracted.

    This will gradually increase my discipline, focus, and willpower, all of which will help me to abstain from PMO.
    Saville likes this.
  16. Gil79

    Gil79 Seize the day

    I really think that meditation and the kind of during-the-day-mindfulness you describe is the opposite of the narrowing activity that fantasyMO or PMO is. Awesome you keep doing this on a daily basis!
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  17. Clovis6

    Clovis6 Well-Known Member

    Thanks. The intention is that the discipline I build up with the daily meditation sit will i npact on other ares of my life. Not just in focusing the mind and attention, but also that a set period of time will only be used for one activity.

    It’s only when I’ve attempted reboots tht I’ve realised how PMO restricts my life.
  18. Clovis6

    Clovis6 Well-Known Member

    Day 6.

    Today’s mediation was really sleepy. The main thing is to keep doing it regardless.

    For the last couple of days I’ve started to get more exercise, which can only help my reboot.

    I’m coming up to a week soon, so I’ve got to be vigilant as this is often when I relapse.
    Saville likes this.
  19. Clovis6

    Clovis6 Well-Known Member

    Day 7.

    I really drowsy yesterday, annoyingly so. This has seemed to continue today.

    I am sleeping okay at the moment, and my diet’s okay. A couple of things I am going to try is drink more water and get more exercise.

    I haven’t felt any urges to act out so far today, nor yesterday. However, I have to be careful of drowsiness, as I really hate the feeling and that increase the odds of lapsing to PMO in an attempt to give myself some relief from the drowsy feeling.
    Gil79 likes this.
  20. Clovis6

    Clovis6 Well-Known Member

    Day 8.

    This is kind of where the reboot starts for me. I’ve always found it fairly easy to abstain for a week. However, the most common time for me to relapse is around the 10 - 14 day mark. So as I get closer to this, I have to prepare for the urges to act out to appear more strongly.

    I have also been thinking that if I lapse now, it’s not just losing 8 days, but it’s as though I lose 16 days of potential. What I mean by this, is that if Irelapse now, it will take me back to 0, and so assuming I immediately start on another reboot streak, by the time I get back to 8 days, I could have been on 16.

    I realise that it’s not a good idea to get fixated on numbers, but I actually find this helps me with my motivation.
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