As the more and more days are passing by numbness is leaving my body which means I feel a range of emotions. Angry , scared , lonely just to name a few. It's ok. That means I am doing something right.
Good to read things are going good mate. I am experiencing similar things in respect to feeling repressed emotions. It's a great thing to feel, and even though it can be painful, I am also grateful for feeling something. It makes me feel alive. Connection with people has improved and it's like the white noise is turned down in my head. Rather than hearing the noise, I am hearing other people and being able to empathise and understand their needs. I relate to your family story. I had a family environment where everyone was out to get you, or rip you off. A climate of fear and suspicion. It has taken me a long time to think differently and I ruined a lot of relationships, not just with women but a lot of friends because of it, especially in my 20's. It's cool how in a lot of ways our journey mirrors one another because it makes me feel less alone.
yeah mate most of us have similar traits. today i feel things. that is different from my usual numb self. or my pissed off numbed self. so i feel sad today. i just need to feel it and just let it be. it shall pass. i get this impulse to do something to make the feeling go away. contact someone flirt obsess whatever just to make this go away and feel 'connected' again. Yet the problem with this is that it makes me feel powerless like i cannot take care of myself like im not good enough as i am but need to find constant things outside of me to feel 'ok'. im goin to try different approach just for today. i will just go about my day today and will not make attempts to change my state in any way that involves women or acting out. lets see how i will feel.
every 7 days my libido peaks so if i want to go into flatline i will have to push through this wall. i think around day 13-14 i will hit it. most likely around day 16-17. but i have noticed that i dont go into flatline if i keep fantasises alive. brain stays alert. so i need to diminish number of movies i play in my head.
today i feel anxious. job related and ex related. i think the key is to stop thinking i cannot handle things. also thinking that by resisting i can prevent a disaster. i can handle things as i have always proved that i can. also let things take their natural course. the best thing to do is to just postpone worry and get busy with things i can change. small things.
Effing shit my last couple of days have been crazy! My ex definetly has some personality disorder as she heavily dysregulated and threatend to kill get a guy to kill my family and started raging I was plotting against her with this "guy". So it turned out to be that she was having talks with this guy online behind my back for several years. So now I know why she was treating me like shit, she was having an affair, online as far as I know but Im not sure if there was not anything more to it. But I am nothing going to dwell on that. Whatever she did she did it to herself. But I will set a stop for her harrasing and not be afraid of her threats. Let her do her thing I am going to live a normal Life. The thing that bullies want the most is to control by making you change your Life out of fear. So today I am going to take it easy and go out with my mom. Looking forward to that. On the sidenote I have been Clean for 8 days now and this stress is making me want to hide. Not today. Just not today. I am going to get up and leave my computer away for a while.
i decided to introduce a counter. 30 days straight is my goal. first goal 7 days. i met a girl today and talked to her all day. after day 1 she wants to give a hug and talks about liking me me being great etc. i erased her number and blocked her. i dont need that shit. before i would crave that attention now i see it as unhealthy. means im improving.
Day 2 After many years of trying and coming to a point where I engage in what is seen as healthy such as dating apps and talking to real women, whatsapp and talking to real women, arranging meetings etc etc. and basically miserably falling back to pmo I have come to a conclusion that if I am to recover and have a chance at a really healthy relationship with a woman I must go No Arousal way for a while. At least 6 month, preferably 1 year. So that is my big goal, 1 year sober from all the shit. Dating, dating apps, pmo, all of it....but I need to break that down into smaller goals. Goal 1 - base camp I need to get to 7 days clean. In order to achieve this I cannot engage any of my well travelled act out ways. Road number 1 - fantasy. I mostly engage in fantasy when I go to bed and when I wake up. Usually the fantasies are about my ex. The more I engage these fantasies the more I am prone to act out during the day as they keep me high on dopamine. The way to stop this fantasies is simple: No lying on my belly. When I wake up I get straight out of bed, no snoozing. When I go to bed I will lie on my back and listen to a sleeping app. This is easy to write but it will take all I got to implement. I must start however, it will be easier with time. Today is day one of closing this road. Road closed! Road number 2 - dating apps, chat rooms, cams Talking to real women gives me so much dopamine it is crazy. However this Always goes overboard with me either going back to pmo or jacking off with these women on cam, sexting etc etc. Also it can lead to a real dissaster ie fucking with complete strangers. This road is not good for me. If I was not acting out it could be a way to meet women but being in the haze of acting out makes it impossible. All of this shit needs to go. At least for year. The way to close this road is simple but tuff: I need to erase of apps, pages, contacts and never ever visit these sites for a year. It all starts with that first difficult step and I am making it right now. I am feeling an urge to get on those cams as it almost feels like having a connection and sex with that cam girl...but is all fake and it stops me from living a normal life. I am going to do other things today, plan my day and will not engage in this road anymore. Road closed! Road number 3 - mindless surfing, tv If anything else fails my brain resorts to this to break down my resolution. Internet will be used only if there is a legitimate reason, like job related stuff or similar. Tv is limited to 1 gour Daily. Road closed! Road number 4 -anxiety Feeling anxiety always leads to pmo. I have come a long way in dealing with my anxiety and will finish the anxiety course I started. Road closed! Im starting to build my inner sanctuary free from all this above mentioned crap. This is the only way I see myself becoming sober. One tuff day at a time. One step at a time.
Today I managed to be a good father to my children. If I had acted out that would be impossible. Today I made another step in taking that other road, less travelled. One day sober beats a lifetime of addiction. One single day sober...
day 3 today's challenge will be lack of sleep. I didnt sleep well. Not much I can do, I will take a short nap when my son gets his. Also I need to be mindfull about what I do during the day especially in the evening. No tv after 7pm. Instead I will read a relaxing book, meditate eat light food, drink bedtime tea and sleep at 10:30 at the latest. My brain has tried to push me down the anxiety and fantasy road but so far Im doing good. I will put things on paper just to realize that Im fine, Ill be fine. What am I grateful for today? I am healthy. I have a house, job, family and food. My family is healthy.
A lot of stress today. This means that in 2-3 days I will have severe urges to act out. I need to find a way to let some steam out before that happens.
day 4 i must manage my stress levels today. i am going to have a nap. im going to meditate i will cook a nice meal
after an intense barage of urges I logged into webchat room. non sexual. stared at all the nicknames then spat on the computer monitor and closed it down. to hell with bullshit...
day 5 im going to go into monk mode today. nim shutting my phone down and will turn it on at 8pm tonight and evaluate.
I have been attacking my pmo behaviour so much that I just dont see it as a problem anymore. I dont even get urges to look at p. but i have just replaced it with dating apps and webcams. that means im attacking the outcome instead of going to the root. sigh
