Climbing Mount Everest

Discussion in 'Ages 30-39' started by clean, Jan 19, 2017.

  1. clean

    clean Active Member

    Ive to a conclusion I need to do something to awake my male energy. Something that makes me feel 'alfa'. So I have bought equipment and military clothes so that i can stay in the woods. this really makes me feel like a man since being on a mountain in the woods sounds risky and this activates my male brain. Just waiting for some free time.
     
  2. clean

    clean Active Member

    Feeling better tonight. One day at the time...
     
  3. clean

    clean Active Member

    I fucking love this forum so Im not going anywhere. Onwards and upwards mister clean !
     
  4. DMB

    DMB Member

    Hope things are going good for you mate
     
  5. clean

    clean Active Member

    thx bud

    i had a clean day. being clean means you sleep as baby and wake up normally. that alone is worth the effort
     
    DMB likes this.
  6. clean

    clean Active Member

    Today's quote to pond over

    'Intimacy, trust and love take time to grow. It takes time to get to truly know someone. You can’t shortcut it.'

    And that is what Im trying to do with acting out.Also that is why I have history about liking 'crazy' women.
     
  7. clean

    clean Active Member

    I feel lonely. I just stopped all communication with 2 women that were interested in me. Probably that makes me feel even more lonely. I still miss my ex. She is not good for me and our rs was not healthy but I miss her. My brain misses her. I miss her body. This makes me prone to using dating sites and act out. Not today.
     
  8. clean

    clean Active Member

    Thought: I am always going to be alone.

    Evidence that this is true: I am alone at the moment with no rs.. I have not had sex 1 full year. I cannot seem to find someone who suits me.

    Evidence that this is not true: I have had rs Before. I have had sex. Women show interest in me on dating sites and in real Life. If I wanted I could sleep around. It is my own choice not to have sex for this long.

    Balanced evaluation: Yes I feel lonely. That is mostly cause I miss my ex and her body. But that will go over and there is no way I will be alone forever. Whenever I make an effort I get attention from women. Actually I have turned down quite a few good looking ones.So while my heart is aching I am sure I will get over it and I will find that special one although it may take time. I am human and feeling lonely and hurt is better than feeling like a whimp who jerks off.
     
  9. Wow, I love your balanced evaluation system, so healthy.
     
  10. clean

    clean Active Member

    thx buddy im working through a book very helpful
     
  11. clean

    clean Active Member

    thought: i cannot become and remain clean

    Evidence that this is true: i have had periods without pmo but i always go back to it

    evidence that this is not true: i have had periods of complete sobriety. 6 months was longest. if i can remain clean for 6 months i can do it even longer and even until i due.

    balanced evaluation: to quit p is difficult. i have been addicted to it for 23 years. however i have the tools and if i put my mind to it i can be clean.

    What, if anything, could you do to improve this situation? I can start a fresh sober period right away. I have this journal and tomorrow Im gonna talk with my mentor.
     
  12. clean

    clean Active Member

    thought: i love my ex and cant live without her pussy

    evidence that this is true: i have jacked off to memories of her. im in pain when i think about her. she is 100% my type of girl.

    evidence this is not true: i have not had sex with her since last december and im still alive. i notice other women and feel attraction and desire for them as well.

    balanced approach: i still miss my ex cause i have been with her for such a long time. that is how brain works. she is simply not good for me as her view on life will wreck me emotionally and financially. been there done that. her pussy isnt a golden nugget and has no special magical powers. its just a muscle 3 billion wimen have each one of them can provide same result. no need to obsess about her muscle. i can feel attraction towards other women thus im fine.

    What, if anything, could you do to improve this situation? I have erased her number. she only texts if there is something super important about the kids. I have stopped seeing her will keep this boundary in place. out of mind out of sight. i need to stop jaking off at her memory as this keeps me chained to her.
     
  13. Could you share which book?
     
  14. clean

    clean Active Member

    the mindfulness workbook for addiction
     
  15. Great, thank you for sharing.
     
  16. clean

    clean Active Member

    no problem, the workbook is really helpful
     
  17. clean

    clean Active Member

    I sometimes wonder if all this coming to the forum talking about recovery is just a bullshit way to ease the conscience? It feels that way.

    I shall remain clean today. No peeking no lying no acting out.
     
  18. clean

    clean Active Member

    I have met a girl I like. I miss talking to her. Her voice is so soothing and I feel I can tell her all of it. I don't have to hide. Such a cool girl. For now we are just friends. There is a strong possibility I will fall in love with her. I thought I will never be in love again?

    It really doesnt matter where all of this will end up. Just the possibility of feeling love again feels scaring and sweet....cheers to that!

    This adds to my commitment to be clean!!!
     
  19. clean

    clean Active Member

    I was thinking about why acting out hurts. It hurts me cause it goes against my values. Against what I believe is right. The more it goes against my values the more it hurts. It becomes like a cycle of hurt and pain.

    I need to stop the wheel of pain. It will hurt in the beginning but I will survive. Pain is just an emotion coming from my thoughts.
     
  20. clean

    clean Active Member

    The more Im sober the more I realize I have been struggling with anxiety since I can remember. All due to my upbringing. My father uses pills to numb himself. My family story was 'watch out they (especially women) are out to get you, they will hurt you, betray you and mess you up. You cannot make desicions for yourself. Always be careful, always on guard.' The only way to meet the need to be loved AND respect my family rules was to hide in porn. Instead of going out with girls I use to jack off looking at them. This way I could somehow have them yet still I would be safe. So now when I show my true self and a girl likes me I get anxious.

    I need to brake this cycle. I need to expose myself to situations with girls and learn that I will be ok. I will be ok. I can make desicions and take care of myself. People are not out to get me. Wimen are not out to get me. They are just people like me trying their best to live a normal life.
     

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