Discussion in 'Ages 30-39' started by clean, Jan 19, 2017.
Hi clean, is that list your goals or what you are grateful for having?
My goals. But Im going to act as I ALREADY have achieved them.
Acting out opens gates of horror. Body gets tired, beaten up, sick. Your mind gets foggy. This is an ideal combination for an anxiety attack. Work suffers family suffers you are open for all kinds of abuse. Predators in form of energy vampires sense you are vulnerable and flock to suck your blood. Heck I think there is not a single bad thing that acting out will not invite to your life.
The way out of this hell is a narrow, less traveled path. Many pple talk about it, some try but most fail. Those that do keep on track harvest a great harvest. Simple things become source if joy. Difficult things become obstacles to overcome not death traps. Cloudy days become sunny and rainy days are greeted with a smile. Life stays the same but our view on things changes. So life becomes an awesome adventure to be enjoyed. All of this just cause you became sober!
Thought to ponder for today ' Stop trying to do it just do it.'
I feel calm and grateful. Grateful for my body is rested and calm. My mind feels calm. This great feeling that somehow someway I will be ok no matter what. This shows that you dont have to be on day 200 to feel good. Your mindset determines how you feel. I feel this way cause I made a desicion and that gives me a sense of taking care of myself
As espexted things are going up and down. Today I feel withdrawals more and heaviness is there. Im going to use some tools. Im going for a shower and walk now then Im going to meditate breath and eat good.
This is what is in my head today:
I love sluts.
I love to act out.
I love mixing that pain with adrenaline.
I hate sluts.
I hate to act out.
I hate hurting myself.
You're totally right mate. Keep going on
Im in pain today.
I want to fight someone and effing bash him.
I want to get drunk.
I want to take pills.
I want to fuck a whore.
I am emotionally bleeding heavily. All my wounds are wide open. That fucking bitch opened them. I let her do it again. Arghhhhhhh
The only reason Im not jaking my thing is cause I talked to a T.
So I will cry.
I will fucking cry and cry and cry.
I will meditate.
Go out with a friend.
Tomorrow is a new day.
I will NOT relapse and hurt myself!
I feel more stable today.
It's mind-boggling to think that a woman can have such a negative impact on a man. There's no doubt she was not the right match for you as a significant other. But I also believe that ultimately, WE are responsible for our own feelings. Others may trigger all kinds of avalanches of emotions, but it is up to us to weather the storm brewing within. There was a guy here on the forum, Skywalker11 I believe, who voiced so much hatred for his ex after she dumped him... as terrible and shocking it can be for morale, we have to become conscious of our reactions before we can move on.
What happend with the girl?
I rarely say this about people but she really is not a nice healthy person. She has strong NPD and BPD traits. Using FOG and gaslighting to make you crazy. That I allowed her in my life only shows you how screwed my view on sex and women was/is. I have children with her so I will have to deal with her on some level for some years to come. On the good side I am free of her and her crazy making. And yes Mendoza you are right we have to own our feelings instead of blaming everything around us.
Im acting out in a different way. Porn is boring and Im over it. But I have used dating sites. A lot of pple dont see a problem there as it is real women but as my coach wisely said it is the intention that decides. My intention was not to be truthful and connect but just to get cheap appreciation and fuck. Not a good thing. One good thing that came out of it is that I used my real pic and noticed that I can get decent amount of attention from females. Nice to know.
Life goes on. For the nect 7 days
no dating sites and chatrooms
Today Im honouring my word.
No acting out in any shape or form.
Every single day in sanity is a day to celebrate. So I celebrate end of this day 1.
I am going to focus on life and less on this forum sk I will log in every 7 days and if I feel strong urges.
Keep up the fight my friend. I have thought about you several times this past week. I too have backed off this site and the internet in general. It's hard but I have to do what I need to do. For now, I won't be updating my journal as much but I'm still very much in the fight.
Keep up the fight buddy!
Mid week log in:
Im clean. Topping the acting out wheel brought withdrawals. I have had pain in my gut for 2 days and difficulty to sleep. I see it as a sign Im getting better. I will enjoy my week.
How many times have I said: Im starting over! Day 1! How many? 100? 1000? Probably...
I have no grand promises, words or phrases. Either I will walk the walk or I will just keep on being a liar. Im tired of being a liar.
One of the most challenging things is my inner core belief that its impossible to be clean foerever. 100 days? yes. 180 days? yes. Forever? Doubt it. This doubt has sabotaged my effort every time.
Time will tell if Im just a broken dick popey or a man standing tall to his promise.
For the next 3 days I shall ponder the following
Faith is taking the first step even when you don't see the whole staircase.
I shall repeat every time a thought araises, 3 days:
I never lust or touch myself now.
plan for today
meditation and good food and prayer in the morning
gym, friends and my kids in the evening
Separate names with a comma.